I need to get over myself and tell you guys

[Lily]

I relapsed. I have gone back in forth how to get real with you guys. I do not want to go into all of the details but tell you it had nothing to do with my Mom being here 2 1/2 weeks.....well, it could have lead to it, however I did make a conscious decision to pick up. It happened on my 20th month anniversary. Then after that I had a bad attitude, screw it and it happened again day before yesterday, since it was past midnight, today is day one for me.

The shame is there, but is lessoning as I got honest and told my sponsor today which for me solidifies my wanting to get clean.

Here is the suckie part....it wasn't EVEN fun at all! Well, actually I guess that is the good part.

Just for today I start again. I work my program to the best of my ability and go forward.

Our NA convention here in Central WI is next weekend. Good timing for me.

For me today is not being secretive.

Thanks for listening and reading.

I am glad I made it back so quickly.

Sheila

[Sugah]

Welcome home, Sheila.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[huntsober]

Thanks for sharing. I am very interested in learning more. I often ask those that have gone back out several questions cuz I do not want to relapse.
1. Did you slowly stop going to mgts.
2. Did you slowly stop talking or using a sponsor.
3. Did you slowly stop doing your daily meditation>
4. Did you stop working with others.

Was it a slow process of stopping doing the basic things we are told to do.
Or was it an event that simply happen over night.

Sorry to pry, but you have paid a heavy price for knowledge I need. Please share with me so I can learn. Thank you.

[Gmoney]

Welcome back, Sheila. Stay.

[REZ]

Glad your back. Keeping coming back. It works if you work it.

[ashleek]

Thanks for sharing, you have no idea how many people you may have helped today by sharing this. Keep coming back, you know we are the least judgemental people here!

[Missybuns]

Congratulations on day 1 !!

Love,
Missy

[CAPTAINZING2000]

we don't shoot our wounded

Your post stopped me from having any thoughts today.

Even after as long as I've been clean and sober, I can still have thoughts.

[AphroditeLite]

Hugs hugs hugs. I'm so glad you're still alive and so grateful you came back.

[kj3880]

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Glad you found the strength to get honest :
You know you can PM or call me anytime at all to talk!
Love,
KJ

[soconfusednow]

God bless you for your honesty. You helped me realize again, that it just doesnt get any better out there. You did a powerful service for the recovery community today. Take care of yourself and first things first. Take care of you!

[Lily]

What happened:

Well, in reflecting as to what was going on w/ me..... I had cut way back on my recovery meetings for NA/AA and had put all of my time and energy on working another program (Overeaters anonymous) See, I was a compulsive overeater LONG before I picked up drugs or alcohol. Since I have been working the program of OA August 1st, I have lost 27 lbs. (I weight and measure all of my food daily to my OA sponsor and eat what I plan and plan what I eat....) I can remember rationalizing that I was still abstinient food wise and being at 57 days, I wanted to focus on that aspect only..... That became my focus, even though my food sponsor only wanted me to weigh once a week. (addict behavior)

So here I am, back to square one starting again in this program, trying to find a way to implement both programs at the same time. I know that for me when I am overeating and clean and sober- my thoughts are just not rational or clear.

I have never felt as good as I have since working OA. My moods have not been all over the place, I never got in ONE single fight with my mom the whole 2 1/2 weeks she was here, it was amazing!

I am going to try to not obsess too much on why I picked up, I honestly think it was a compulsive decision which stemmed from slacking off in my NA program.

Today is a new day and I feel pretty good about my future. Tonight I am going to a f2f meeting that my old NA sponsor leads. I am looking forward to it and also looking forward to the convention next weekend.

Today I will surrender all..........

Sheila

[2ala2]

Welcome back Sheila!
You are very brave to make the decision to get back on track.
I salute you
Everyone comming back from a relapse tells you it wasn't fun, especially after adopting the 12 Step lifestyle.
I also do OA and CEA (compulsive Eaters Anonymous)by the way. I was abstinent for 5.5 months and lost over 50 Pounds. I've kept it off, but what a battle going on in my head these days. Only someone with a food problem like me will understand. I still do both meetings but I focus on NA/AA more. I believe that the drugs will kill me faster than the food will. Food addiction is very painful and continues to be a heavy struggle for me. I know what you are going through and I am there if you need to talk.
Blessings

[kj3880]

Sheila,
To be honest, as much as I care about you I have to tell you that I see some real red flags in this last post from you.

When I hear you saying that you never felt as good clean and sober but overeating, as you did when controlling your food intake but using drugs, I worry. Monitoring your food intake and weight is another obsession and form of control that can keep your focus off of the very real issues that you need to work on.

I suggest that you got along better with your mother this visit because you were using drugs to control your mood. Dieting typically brings with it some mood changes and snapping at loved ones is more, not less common for me when I'm hungry or craving.

It's similar to how I felt when you were about six months clean or so and asking about taking on sponsees. It concerned me that you would lose your focus on staying clean and getting through the steps with a sponsor in the drama of others. I have to fight these types of tendencies in myself.

Another problem with dieting can be that we sometimes feel so deprived that we feel the need to treat ourselves, maybe with drugs. For example: "Well, I've been perfect on my diet, and I've lost 5 pounds this week! I have to do something fun..."

For me, extreme dieting is begging for a relapse. One way or the other, I'll be either relapsing on fattening food, or using something to fix my starved self.

In working a program of recovery, I've learned that I need to be a friend to myself first. I have to be patient with me. It isn't healthy, physically or mentally, to lose too much weight too fast. It's better to eat healthy foods in moderation and exercise, judging my progress by how strong I am and how my clothes are fitting then by obsessing on a number on a scale. I threw out the scale at my home. I cut my carbs, eat only when hungry, and walk daily. When I get thoughts of self-loathing, I pray and talk to people about it who love me when I can't be loving to myself.

Obsession about anything is a warning to me that I am trying to avoid some type of issue I need to focus on or pain that comes in recovery life.

I also think you may be minimizing how bad this relapse feels. I know it has to be painful, and that you must be trying to keep a brave face, but let's be real here. I'm not saying to beat yourself up about it. I know that you are already really hard on yourself most of the time. Just don't run from the feelings or tell yourself that relapse is OK because you have lost weight. There is no trade-off that works in this way. Anything I put before your recovery from drug addiction, I lose.

Love,
KJ

[Paulie]

Sheila -

I admire your courage to come here and post, heck I admire your courage to tell anyone you relasped, you did not have to do that. Especially here online, we never would have known.

What is important is that you made it back ALIVE!!! some of us don't.

Everytime anyone I know has relapsed and lived to talk about it they have helped me and many others without even knowing it.

Ashleek - said it best

Thanks for sharing, you have no idea how many people you may have helped today by sharing this. Keep coming back, you know we are the least judgemental people here!

To come and be honest at an online site like this where you can sit and type anything you want that takes great courage my friend.

Open your journal my friend, sit and write to your HP everything that is going on in your head, dont let it sit in there, spill it out all over the paper.

Huge huge hugs to you!

[Lily]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

we don't shoot our wounded

Your post stopped me from having any thoughts today.

Even after as long as I've been clean and sober, I can still have thoughts.

Thanks so much Capt! Yes, I am beating myself up as is the devil. However I know who I belong to. Blessings, Sheila

[Paulie]

My problem is Sheila not drugs or food. And I am by no means minimizing my usage

Yep!!!! Well said lady! Don't we say in the rooms 'what or how much you used does not matter'????? that is becuase we are the problem, I am my problem. Getting that saves my life.

And you are right, what others thinkof us is none of our business, be true to you and to your relationship with your HP. Don't let others rent space in your head, the space is to valuable .

[kj3880]

I'm baffled by your response. I thought that we had some really good conversations, and I do care about you. In fact, I hold you in high regard, and when you've had opinions that differ from mine, such as about court slips, I've always taken the time to consider your point of view to see if I need to adjust my thinking. Even though we haven't always agreed, I always valued your posts. I'm sorry you don't feel the same about me.

I have a disease that sometimes makes me lie to myself, and sometimes I need my friends to point out the truth to me. It's very difficult to be 100% honest with someone when you know that they are going to be hurt or angry about what you say, but I've never been to a funeral from hurt feelings. I've been to some for overdoses.
So hurt my feelings when you see me lying to myself. Please. I might get mad, but I'll get over it.

I know what a relapse at this point would feel like to me. It would be humbling and scary and crushing. I'm glad you made it back in one piece. We don't always get another chance.

I will refrain from posting on your threads anymore, since you feel it isn't relevant to you or helpful to you. Just know that I still hope the best for you, and that even though you don't find my opinions helpful, I'll keep you in my prayers.

KJ

[Lily]

Whatever you think is fine with me KJ. I just wanted to be totally honest in my post and let you know how I felt about what you said. I am sorry if you feel you can no longer answer my posts, that is totally 100% up to you. I guess not only did I kind of know you would be hard on me but also I kind of knew what your response would be on here about my needing a friend to tell me the truth.

Well, if you consider that to be for my benefit and you are being my friend, then by no means, lets work this both ways. Allow me to tell you how I feel you come across at times please. Isn't that fair?

Today I will live in honesty.

I kind of get the impression you do not understand that compulsive overeating is just as deadly for me. I have been to the hospital 3 times with food impaction in my esophagus. I have been scoped 3 times at our hospital here that has only been opened for 4 years. This isn't about losing a few pounds to fit in my skinny jeans, and cut out a few carbs....this is about learning how to live in the solution one day at a time and abstaining from compulsive overeating. I cannot tell you how many times I have had food impaction I have been able to throw up, probably over 20. Air can go in, but no liquid, not even my spit with chicken or beef lodged in my throat.

I have not had one food impaction since working the steps of OA.

I am dealing with mulitple deadly issues here KJ. My husband has been afraid more than once he would find me passed out and dead. Believe you me, this isn't a diet.

Please do what is best for you, but lets all be adults here.

Thanks.

[andyaddict]

Da-y-am!

"Impacted?!?" I feel like such a newcomer here, ouch.

I can say I identify with sufferers of food addiction, been there, done that, and recently made a decision to "try" to lose weight. I've dropped near 40lb this year and am now 6'3" and under 200lb.

I remember how it was taught that the disease is tri-fold: physical, mental, spiritual. I've grown to understand that most of what the "program" concerns itself with is the spiritual. It is then MY responsibility to exercise the mental and physical.

Two things I found integral to dieting and achieving a healthy weight was addressing two common physiological/psychological response systems.

1) nutrient deficiency

and

2) human stress response

Together these spell the perfect storm for weight gain and retention and are often overlooked in one's program of recovery. These two can also play a significant role in relapse in other areas of one's life in which they strive for temperance.

a

[Lily]

I agree with that Andy...... But just for today, I will not diet. I am simply eating what my OA sponsor and I decided together. I will sit down at the table I will not gulp my food. (I do have barrets syndrome in my throat which are ridges which cause food impaction much easier than the average person too, so I must eat very small bites and chew chew chew. I also have eosinophilic esophagitis which is an allergic inflammatory condition of the esophagus. Symptoms are swallowing difficulty, food impaction, and heartburn.

The one freedom I have found with OA and eating what is prescribed to me is my sugar no longer fluctuates. I do not feel the up and down since I eliminated sugar and aspartame from my diet. I am on an even keel now. Not moody with my family either.

I have also eliminated caffiene in the afternoon because I am no longer fatigued. The headaches are gone as well!

Yes, the food impaction is something I haven't shared with very many people, it is embarressing and extremely life threatening. The last time I was at the ER they could not remove it with the scope and wand and were prepping me for surgery when it released. My GI doc gave me a very firm warning on how this could have killed me had it slipped over and blocked my airway. I had to be on steriods cuz my throat was so swollen inside.

Maybe others have experienced this? Probably not on the board, but I know you can google it and find many others.

Here is more info on WIKI: Esophageal food bolus obstruction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

just in case you wanna know more.

[andyaddict]

Originally Posted by Lily

I agree with that Andy...... But just for today, I will not diet. I am simply eating what my OA sponsor and I decided together.

I, personally, would call that a diet. But that's just me, I see the word "diet" as "what we eat," not as a "goal."

I, too, suffer from rheumatoid arthritis, nasty stuff, and have found the integration of thereabouts 20min of exercise (enough to break a sweat) at least once a week, integral to both my weight goals (appetite reduction) and inflammation reduction - not to mention a better sleep.

That small amount of exercise burns off excess stress hormones, which left unchecked, raises my anxiety, increases inflammation and swelling throughout my body, bolsters my appetite, and hinders my sleep. Again, this amounts to the perfect storm for deviant behavior that snowballs into problems in my recovery.

a

[Lily]

I am sorry about your arthritis. That must be hard to have that pain. I am glad you are keeping on top of it and how it affects your recovery. There are so many things in our lives that affect our recovery. I think learning what our triggers are are key.

Last night at the NA meeting we were on tradition 10 and it spoke of outside issues, then it spoke about anything that affects your recovery as not being an outside issue.

The only reason I am not calling it a diet is because for me, diets are something I go on and off of. Just like we all know that NA isn't a group to join to clean up your life, then resume casual drug use. Jenny Craig, weight watchers, those were diets for me. I would hit a goal and think I have arrived. But never learned any of the reasons I picked up the food. OA is a lifestyle change. My OA sponsor has been abstinient for 22 years. She went from compulsive overeater to being free! She sponsors many women and even started a group which sprung from a book she wrote. Does that make sense to you?

She even sponsors women who are anorexic who have to eat to maintain their abstinence and even bulemics.

I guess we see the word diet as meaning 2 different things.

[Paulie]

The only reason I am not calling it a diet is because for me, diets are something I go on and off of. Just like we all know that NA isn't a group to join to clean up your life, then resume casual drug use.

Great words!!!! that is how I feel to.

[AW2486]

Sheila,

I'm so glad you posted. You have been in my prayers.

Andy