Sometimes it's frustrating...

[kj3880]

I'm asked to "keep the doors open" tomorrow, the 4th of July, at that home group that my sponsor made me promise to quit (it is causing me too much stress and is bad for me, she thinks). I tried to quit it this week, but the other two home group members, S and C, told me that they are going together to watch fireworks so they need me to keep the doors open on the 4th.

I never secretaried any meetings before, and I don't really know how I"ll do, and I'm flying solo my first time out. I just feel nervous about it, and I don't do well speaking at meetings.

C and S were talking at a meeting last night about how I am going to be a joke at being secretary on the 4th "if she gets through it at all" because "KJ can't talk without stuttering and mumbling." They were at my anniversary, which I stuttered and mumbled my way through.

I don't even know if they got a speaker to do the meeting, and S, (treasurer and speaker-seeker) hasn't returned my call about that, so I guess that she didn't. I think it might be their resentful way to set me up to fail, since I refused to buy more supplies from Area Service this week out of my own pocket because S once again didn't bring the money to the meeting to give me. Or maybe I'm paranoid. I don't know. I'm disgusted at myself. Why do I even care if I stutter and mumble?. It shouldn't be a concern as long as people can understand me. It's my fault, as I should have quit when I wanted to last week instead of accepting the assignment of secretarying this meeting tomorrow.

I can only hope I'll find a way to stop people-pleasing all the time. Then my level of resentments will decrease and maybe I'll be able to focus on some of my other defects. I feel defective today.

KJ

[huntsober]

I find that God will unfold everything I need to do...I just need to stay clean and walk into the next right thing. When I see Gods handy work and I turn a sharp left or right and try to avoid it...I always get into trouble. Many times God presents problems to me because I need to experience the problem (person,place or thing) so I can grow. As for meetings and how they go....God uses us as vessels to carry his message. We cant screw up if he is running the show..I have to speak at a convention coming up. I dont prepair for those I just get out of the way and let God use me. I find that works best. I am sure if you allow him to use you for his use all will be fine.

I hate that you are not experiencing friendships in recovery that are healthy and loving. There are many wonderful people in this program. Seek them out and stick close to them. Keep the door open cuz that person might just walk in and change your life.

[Missybuns]

I hate that you are not experiencing friendships in recovery that are healthy and loving. There are many wonderful people in this program. Seek them out and stick close to them. Keep the door open cuz that person might just walk in and change your life.

stay the course kj, there are many wonderful people and some have not arrived yet.

Your willingness can carry you through and may even help someone else in their surrender.

[suki44883]

What horrible people! They expect you to "keep the doors open" and then go traipsing off together to watch fireworks. Oh, and after saying all those horrible things about you?? Why is it your responsibility to keep the doors open?? Some people are so rude and disrespectful! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

[tommyk]

I'd feel the exact same way, you're not alone.

Use this experience as a lesson in future assertiveness?

...my sponsor made me promise to quit, I tried to quit it this week...

Stop 'trying' and just do it...?

[Wolfchild]

Remember what you have seen and heard by attending meetings, and stay focused on the job at hand. If you were'nt capable of doing this, God would not have brought you to it! i have faith in your ability to carry a message, not only in what you say, but also in how you live. Accept that you are example of this program working and stay willing to learn. Let others realize the consequences of their own decisions in God's time.

[Sugah]

Fair warning: I'm reading this in a rambling and rather introspective mood, so I'll likely veer off-topic and be a bit verbose (what else is new?), but I'll try to bring it back around to where kj started things.

My first home group was not the picture of 12 step health. Organization was non-existent, except that one particular woman had been the treasurer and coffee maker for about six years, and there was one particular reading that was "hers" -- if anyone else tried to read it, she copped a quick attitude. I got out of rehab the first week of December, and on New Year's Eve, I was elected along with another member to chair the meeting that night while everyone else went off to the NYE party -- to which I was going after we closed up. I was okay with it until we got to the party and I realized that the meal was served three hours earlier -- and there wasn't anything left but pretzels and chips. I'd never been to one of these gigs, and I assumed that the food would go on all night -- so I hadn't fed my kids a real meal, so I copped an attitude.

Over the years, I've learned something about holiday meetings. We often get visitors from out of town who are there for family get-togethers and find themselves really in need of a meeting. I've come to think about the importance of having the doors open for those meetings, and my attitude has changed. I've gone to jail meetings on NYE dressed to the nines -- cocktail dress, big sparkly hair, my best perfume -- and taken great pleasure in showing the women there that folks in recovery can get down and have a good time. The party was waiting for me when the jail meeting was over (and I learned to eat -- and feed my family -- before hand).

I changed home groups when I was about a year and a half clean, and my new home group has quite a few active members. When we do a holiday meeting, at least two of us commit to keeping the doors open -- one man and one woman. Last NYE, my husband went to the NYE celebration to be the auctioneer (we have a "white elephant" auction that's a whole lot of fun), and another male member and I did the meeting.

My home group meets twice a week, and one year, we took our children along on Christmas Eve - made it a family thing, though not a required family thing, and I will say I had quite a bit of motherly pride that they went willingly and joyfully.

Tomorrow is my birthday. There's a big shindig going on at a home group members house, and it's also a home group night -- so the meeting will go on as it always has. We'll go out in the afternoon for food, and somewhere about six-thirty, my husband, me and whoever else wants to go in with us will go open up for the 8pm meeting. If we make it back to our friend's house before the fireworks start, great. If we don't, we don't. If nobody shows up to the meeting, nobody shows up -- though we'll be ready if they do. It's a holiday, and it's my birthday, so it's a double honor to be there for the newcomer or the out-of-town visitor who needs to be among his or her own kind.

kj, I'm sure you've heard the expression, "you're right where you're supposed to be." You've examined this situation, acknowledged your resentful feelings and your fears, and you've told us about them. That's a fourth and fifth step, sister. If you also discuss them with the god of your understanding, you're ready to decide, a la 6th step, if you're entirely ready to let go of it. Then, voila, say another prayer to ask that these things be removed.

Now, that's for this particular situation -- because you haven't left the home group yet, and if I were in your shoes, I'd be asking myself, given this responsibility -- a holiday meeting that some poor soul might really need -- if now is the time to do it. IF you've agreed to do the meeting, and IF you are uncomfortable at the thought of being put in this situation again (it sounds likely the way you describe your fellow home group members), then perhaps soon after tomorrow would be the time to make a change. It's just a suggestion. For me, it's about keeping my side of the street clean.

And as to the mumbling and stumbling that comes along with nervousness -- we're all a lot more conscious of it when it's us, but lots of people get stage fright. I've chaired a lot of meetings over the years, and I still get a little nervous at the start. Say a prayer, and your HP will help you through it. Progress, not perfection. You'll be fine!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Lily]

There should be a meeting sheet, script. You can follow that and there isn't a lot of speaking necessary just reading it. If there is no speaker, just open it up to open discussion. YOU CAN do this KJ!!!! Do it for the addict who still suffers if not for you. ;-)

[Timebuster]

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going!

You can do it KJ, I know you can.

[Gmoney]

KJ, this is just another experience you can use to grow from. Like anything else, the more we do it, the better at it we become. I recall opening my homegroup solo on a holiday years ago. It ended up being one of the best meetings we had that year!! Don't worry about it...your HP has your back.

[daydream]

We believe in you KJ!!!!
HUGS!!!

[Gmoney]

So...KJ, how did it go?

[kj3880]

G (and everybody else!),
I'm very glad I took my commitment seriously and had those doors open, as there was a man that showed up who was struggling with using on the holiday, and he said he was so desperate for the meeting. He actually said "If these doors weren't open, I know I'd have used tonight. Thank God for NA today. Holidays are rough for a lot of us." So I felt like it was definitely worth it.

My new b/f, who isn't in my homegroup, volunteered to help out and did coffee, chairs, and keytags that night since we were short-handed, and he also brought along his house mate, who's in my sponsorship family and is a wonderful speaker, and she talked about the IP "Living the Program." It was a really good meeting. I got a lot out of what she had to say, and I'm sure that others did also.

Only about 20 people showed up, but that was just fine. And now I know that I can handle the secretary position, I wouldn't be so nervous the next time. After the meeting, I accepted an invitation to speak at a treatment center meeting later this month.

Love,
KJ

[huntsober]

Congrats....The point of freedom gets higher as we build a wide base. That freedon will express its self in ways that will enable us to do things we never thought we could. Having this understanding now will cause us to realize the sky is the limit. We can and do acheive anything through recovery. Thank you for being there for that person by keeping the doors open!!

[REZ]

Good job of keeping the doors open. Never underestimate the importance of this type of service. A lot of the "service junkies" in our area are always harping on the importance of H & I but in my mind service begins with service to the home group.

[Lily]

Good for you! It gets easier each and every time. I remember my first meeting I secretaried at, I kept telling everyone it was my first time. haha

WTG on accepting the speaking engagement!

[Gmoney]

Only about 20 people showed up, but that was just fine.

"Only?" That's almost double my home group's average attendance!! I knew you could pull it off, and not only did you give back...you gained some valuable experience! Feels good, right?

WTG, KJ!!