Time for a new sponsor?

[Time2Surrender]

Im struggling here. I have had the same sponsor for 4 years. I have 38 days. At one time I had 2 1/2 years. He has been an awesome sponsor and a great friend. However, he works as a mentor for the county and is very busy. Now I realize we all have lives, but it can take a couple days to even get him on the phone. Doing step work? Not really happening lately. Im now working them with another guy. He has 25 years, but I really dont trust him as a sponsor. I kinda feel like as someone who has very little time perhaps I do need a new sponsor. Its a big step for me though.

[Wolfchild]

Having the same sponsor for 4 years and you only have 38 days clean, what does this tell you about your sponsor?
What does this show you about his love and faith for you? Or his committment to stick by you no matter what?

In my humble experience, the people i have seen come back after a relapse usually are so out of sorts that they overreact to situations. They go through a period of trying to change alot of things outside of themselves instead of focusing on just getting another day clean.

Not saying this is the case with you. Just offering it for your consideration.

i would suggest that you talk to the other men this person sponsors and see what their thoughts and feelings are about this. Maybe you'll get some insight and see things with a different perspective. Perhaps you could share this with members of your Home Group and find some guidance that could help you.

Welcome back to the rest of your life....please do what you can each day to live it clean.

[Time2Surrender]

Thanks. This is not an easy thing for me. Nothing to do with love, faith and commitment. The dude is one of my best friends and always will be. Nothing will change there. But, his job and commitments leave him absolutely no time. Simply being able to say...."I have a sponsor" aint gonna cut it for me. I need to be doing step work. He doesnt have the time. Plus, his focus has started to drift away from the program and shifted more to being a mentor (his job) 80hrs or so per week and "Celebrate Recovery"This is life or death. My recovery and my life come first. I've discussed this with many lately. Now Im posting it here.

[Gmoney]

Hi T2S,

First...congrats on the 38 days. I'm grateful you came back and are staying clean.

I kinda know where you're at because I've been there myself. I won't tell you what to do, but I'll share a bit of my experience in a similar situation.

I was with my 1st sponsor for almost 7 years and I love this guy. In the early stages of our relationship he was always there for me - meaning he was very accessible and reliable. If I couldn't catch him at home (by phone), I could always depend on seeing him at a meeting. He would come to my home group almost daily and we'd either talk before or after the meeting.

When we set dates to do step work he was always prompt. If a situation arose where he couldn't make it, he'd always call and let me know. I grew to trust him as a man of his word, and for me, that was HUGE because I had serious issues relating to resentments, expectations and disappointment. As he walked we through all the steps, I became comfortable with his methods and manner - I never thought I'd ever have anyone else as a sponsor, but not long after we did the 12 step together things began to change.

I was still full of fire and gung-ho about doing step work. He began to lose interest in the fellowship and became more involved in his religious beliefs. Eventually he stopped coming to meetings completely. He began missing our dates and would seldomly return my calls. It got so bad that he'd not show up or call, and when I saw him weeks later he'd offer no apology or explanation. On top of that, whenever we would get together he would start to preach to me about the Bible. Needless to say...he was on the zeal.

I was stubborn and refused to let him go. I continued to write on my steps, but instead of sitting with him and discussing them...I'd mail or email my writings to him. Time would pass and when we spoke I'd find that he never read anything I sent. To make a long story shorter...this went on for almost 2 years before I surrendered and decided I should move on. It took me almost a year to find a new sponsor...so for 3 years I was basically sponsorless.

My new sponsor has almost 24 years clean and I can't say that I trust him as much as I did my 1st. I figure that will come with time, but he's a good guy. His plate is pretty full raising a young daughter by himself and he's not in the best of health. We get together when we can and it's no big deal. I've learned how to let the fellowship sponsor me when I feel in need...and I stay clean NO MATTER WHAT.

tflms

Having the same sponsor for 4 years and you only have 38 days clean, what does this tell you about your sponsor?
What does this show you about his love and faith for you? Or his committment to stick by you no matter what?

In my experience, a sponsor isn't responsible for the decisions a sponsee makes. It is also my experience to learn that the value we have as sponsors cannot be gauged by the clean time of our sponsees. I've had numerous sponsees relapse, come back, and relapse again. I stick by them and show them love when they do not love themselves. We can only carry the message, not the addict.

[TTOSBT]

Well, to be honest, I am surprised that your sponsor has not suggested it already.
You definitely need a sponsor that has some real time to spend with you and take you through the steps again. I don't know where you are at with this other person but I would imagine you are going to have a hard time at step 5 if you don't trust this person to sponsor you. If I were you, considering how well your sponsor knows you and how close you are, I would discuss it with him and ask him if there is anyone he might suggest that might bring a fresh perspective to your steps this time.
I think change is great when it is for the right reasons and from what you have explained here, sounds like your motives are pure.

[Time2Surrender]

Thanks everyone. He is aware of me working the steps with someone else right now and seemed to be supportive, allthough I sensed he was a little hurt. That sucks, but I damn near died 38 days ago. As I layed there 38 days ago convinced I was having a heart attack and wondering what would happen if I dialed 911? What would the neighbors think? Would I be arrested? How much would the bill be? (no health ins) The excuses this addict comes up with. I surrendered and returned to NA. And for the last 38 days I have not had to use. I attend one to two meetings daily, picked up two service commitments, and hang out with the other men in the program. I also dont date or have intimate/sexual relationships with women for now. I have too many issues, but thats another topic. Im just a sick addict trying to get better and need someone to work the steps with. Working them alone is not a good idea for this addict.

[tommyk]

Simply being able to say...."I have a sponsor" aint gonna cut it for me. I need to be doing step work.

Just do it.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by tommyk

Simply being able to say...."I have a sponsor" aint gonna cut it for me. I need to be doing step work.

Just do it.

Do what? Step work? Or get a new sponsor? I was talking to another guy on the phone last night after I posted this who just took 18 years, he agreed that its probably time for a new sponsor who can spend a little more time with me. So, Im going to do it. I have someone picked out too.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by Gmoney

Hi T2S,

First...congrats on the 38 days. I'm grateful you came back and are staying clean.

I kinda know where you're at because I've been there myself. I won't tell you what to do, but I'll share a bit of my experience in a similar situation.

I was with my 1st sponsor for almost 7 years and I love this guy. In the early stages of our relationship he was always there for me - meaning he was very accessible and reliable. If I couldn't catch him at home (by phone), I could always depend on seeing him at a meeting. He would come to my home group almost daily and we'd either talk before or after the meeting.

When we set dates to do step work he was always prompt. If a situation arose where he couldn't make it, he'd always call and let me know. I grew to trust him as a man of his word, and for me, that was HUGE because I had serious issues relating to resentments, expectations and disappointment. As he walked we through all the steps, I became comfortable with his methods and manner - I never thought I'd ever have anyone else as a sponsor, but not long after we did the 12 step together things began to change.

I was still full of fire and gung-ho about doing step work. He began to lose interest in the fellowship and became more involved in his religious beliefs. Eventually he stopped coming to meetings completely. He began missing our dates and would seldomly return my calls. It got so bad that he'd not show up or call, and when I saw him weeks later he'd offer no apology or explanation. On top of that, whenever we would get together he would start to preach to me about the Bible. Needless to say...he was on the zeal.

I was stubborn and refused to let him go. I continued to write on my steps, but instead of sitting with him and discussing them...I'd mail or email my writings to him. Time would pass and when we spoke I'd find that he never read anything I sent. To make a long story shorter...this went on for almost 2 years before I surrendered and decided I should move on. It took me almost a year to find a new sponsor...so for 3 years I was basically sponsorless.

My new sponsor has almost 24 years clean and I can't say that I trust him as much as I did my 1st. I figure that will come with time, but he's a good guy. His plate is pretty full raising a young daughter by himself and he's not in the best of health. We get together when we can and it's no big deal. I've learned how to let the fellowship sponsor me when I feel in need...and I stay clean NO MATTER WHAT.

tflms



In my experience, a sponsor isn't responsible for the decisions a sponsee makes. It is also my experience to learn that the value we have as sponsors cannot be gauged by the clean time of our sponsees. I've had numerous sponsees relapse, come back, and relapse again. I stick by them and show them love when they do not love themselves. We can only carry the message, not the addict.

That sounds a lot like my story.

[Gmoney]

I agree with everyone else who said having a sponsor in name-only isn't enough. But I can also understand how our attachment to someone can prevent us from letting go when the "expiration date" has passed. Letting go and moving on can be painful, but very often discomfort comes with growth.

My old sponsor is currently back involved with NA and didn't relapse. I still love the guy and I'm eternally grateful for his contribution to my recovery.

[Freedom1990]

My sponsor is an over-the-road driver (will be retiring later this year), but thankfully he always has his cellphone with him, and I've never been in a position where I couldn't get ahold of him within a short period of time.

I understand your need for someone more available, especially in doing stepwork.

[Lily]

Originally Posted by Gmoney

Hi T2S,

First...congrats on the 38 days. I'm grateful you came back and are staying clean.

In my experience, a sponsor isn't responsible for the decisions a sponsee makes. It is also my experience to learn that the value we have as sponsors cannot be gauged by the clean time of our sponsees. I've had numerous sponsees relapse, come back, and relapse again. I stick by them and show them love when they do not love themselves. We can only carry the message, not the addict.

I agree w/ Garry here...however as far as not being able to reach your sponsor, for me that would be a problem. Pray about it and see if your HP brings you someone else.....Pray specifically for someone....I mean what you want in a sponsor, then see what doors open for you.....that is what I am doing as my sponsor had a relaspe recently.

Try not to underlap though....getting rid of one till you find another unless this is impossible....

[tommyk]

Originally Posted by Time2Surrender

Do what? Step work? Or get a new sponsor? I was talking to another guy on the phone last night after I posted this who just took 18 years, he agreed that its probably time for a new sponsor who can spend a little more time with me. So, Im going to do it. I have someone picked out too.

Both... Exactly!

[SugarScars]

Hi, Time,

Just wanted to acknowledge your post since you acknowledged mine. Thank you. I don't have a lot of E, S & H to offer you, since I am so new to all of this. However, let me say that we all grow and change. It's a part of life. I realize that we don't like change and that it's not always in our favor, so sometimes it's very hard for us.

I'm a really busy person. I'm so busy now that I don't know how I'll be able to sponsor people in the future. You know what, though? I can limit my sponsorship to two people, if need be. That's possible for me. So, maybe by saying no to some, I'll be a better sponsor to those I have agreed to sponsor.

Still, we can't always anticipate everything. Your sponsor probably didn't realize he was going to lead such a busy, active life.

Personally, I would move on and find another sponsor. Keep us posted!!

xo Sugs

[Time2Surrender]

Thanks for all your replies. I have a new sponsor. He just took 10 years last week.

[Lenina]

Good job, Mike! Keep us posted on how it goes.

Love,

Lenina

[TTOSBT]

Good for you for putting your recovery first!!!

[SugarScars]

That's WONDERFUL!!! Congratulations! Have fun getting to know your new sponsor (although you might already know him - in which case, have fun spending time with him!).

[Freedom1990]

I'm glad you found someone! :ghug

[Time2Surrender]

Thanks. Kinda in a tough spot. I have two sponsors right now. I tried to tell my original sponsor and he looked like he was gonna cry.