super passive aggressive fight with sponsor..

[123bubblegum123]

soo...

i just got off the phone with my sponsor, who, herself, is struggling through a difficult time right now. I'm really grounded in my sobriety, but am having a miserable time relating to the other girls in my local AA/NA group. I'm a lot younger and feel oh so out of place when I hang out with them - they'll even poke fun at me for it! Plus, the girls are really clicky with each other, to the point that they are exclusive and high-school-esque. It's not the first time my sponsor and I have talked about it, but this was (by far) the most awkward, difficult, and uncomfortable conversation i've ever had with her. I really just had to explain that I have no interest in being with those people - and while I understand the thought behind fellowshipping, I've made sober friends I can hang out with in college so I have no need for hanging out with people who make me feel worse! She just retorted with "tell me how that works for ya" and typical AA lingo.

Really pisses me off..
any advice for how to handle this?

[Lily]

If you have found other sober people to hang out with, then that is key in your recovery. A gal shared last night saying she felt out of place cuz she is young and cannot relate. However in NA we have to remember to not focus on similarites not differences.

The most important thing is that you stay clean and sober today and that you are utilizing the tools in your toolbox.

I don't always hang w/ NA AA ppl, much of the time I hang with my Christian girlfriends who don't drink or use anyway. There are some ppl in meetings I just do not feel comfortable at all hanging with because I feel discouraged and not encouraged. I would say pick clean and sober encouraging women to hang with.

She does not own you, she is there to be a guide. Explain to her you just need positive ENCOURAGING women in your life. We get beaten up enough in this world, we don't need to be beat up by our girlfriends, or they are not really friends. (but also keep in mind that we can be way over sensitive at times too!)

Blessings, Sheila

[kj3880]

Your sponsor isn't there to tell you who to have for friends. She's supposed to be a guide to the 12 steps. That being said, my sponsor often makes helpful suggestions for me about how to be more connected with the fellowship. And she worries when I say that I have a hard time fitting in, that I'm trying to disqualify myself as an addict. This can be a real danger to me.

I truly have had a much different life than most addicts in my area. I never lost a job or a home or even a friend over using. It was a brief period of time where I abused prescription pain pills. I stopped because I knew it would get worse if I didn't. But I want to recover and learn to deal with my feelings.

I want what my sponsor has: serenity, a healthy relationship, happiness. So I have to do what she does in her recovery. Part of what she does is participating in the fellowship. I don't know everything about recovery, so I'm trying my hardest to be a part of NA in ways she suggests. Trying to stay connected with other recovering women addicts and focus on our similarities. Trying to be of service to new women. Trying to open up with people in meetings and on the phone, even though there are some differences between us. The fact that we have clean friends outside the recovery community only can add to our recovery and our joyful life but it doesn't mean that we don't need the fellowship of other addicts.

If you want what your sponsor has, you'd be wise to give her suggestions a good college try. It can be very uncomfortable to let down our walls and get to know other addicts in recovery, particularly when many of them had a lot of "street time" and maybe we didn't, but your friendships with other recovering addicts can be some of the deepest and richest you will ever experience. Don't miss out on it! Let their street experience keep you connected to what can happen if you go back out. Keep coming back! I suggest for you to go to a convention if you have not. There you will see the fellowship in action, and you may very well want to be more a part of it!
Love,
KJ

[Gmoney]

We just had a fairly lengthy debate (in another thread) about the new IP: For Young Addicts, By Young Addicts...and the issue you raise reveals there is a place for literature such as that.

Being young in recovery can have a few disadvantages - primarily, identifying or relating to others who are older and have experienced things a younger person may not have. As I always say, we addicts are a very varied bunch and our diversity is our strength. One of the biggest hurdles most of us have to overcome is the desire or need to fit in. Most of us have done it for so long that we can't recognize it, and it's hard (at first) to focus on similarities when our differences are so obvious. Yet, being able to identify is crucial to becoming a part of the fellowship.

As Sheila said, we addicts tend to be overly sensitive at times, and many of us are rebellious by nature. Sometimes feeling out of place isn't the same thing as being out of place and recovery often requires us to do things that aren't comfortable. I'm sure there's a lot you can learn from those older addicts about recovery and staying clean, and if you stick around you may meet other young members to hang out with. IMO, it's important that you share your feelings and frustrations. You might be surprised at the compassion in their responses.

I have clean friends who aren't in recovery, as well. And I think it's important not to limit ourselves to just our "society within society." But I understand that no one understands an addict like an addict. Give it a chance.

[123bubblegum123]

thanks so much for all your great responses.

kj3880 i, too, never hit "a bottom" like many of the other people in recovery have. I was always a functioning person (did well in school, held jobs, etc..) except I have overdosed numerous times. It's way too easy for me to separate myself from the people in my local program, but I cannot help what I feel.

I hate leaving a social situation feeling worse than I did before - I'd rather just be alone.

[tommyk]

"tell me how that works for ya"

It looks to me like this is one of those times when you have to be more mature than your sponsor.

Your sponsor is 'categorizing' you and failing to see you as an individual, and is she possibly acting out on some control issues?

I learned pretty quickly that my sponsor was in the program for a reason. Sponsors have their 'moments', lol.

So... next time you talk to her.... tell her how that works for ya.

[Wolfchild]

What is your part in these difficulties? You are not only powerless over the disease of addiction/alcoholism - you are powerless over other people as well! When i identify my part in any situation, i get a little freedom from the problem. i realize i am not reponsible for what other people do or don't do as it relates to me. i can only do the best i can to get the help i need on a daily basis. My ego still has a tendency to become larger than my dependance on God when i have an "issue" with someone. i'm vulnerable at that point to this disease that resides within me. i will identify the other person's problem more strongly than my own admission that i am the one with a problem. Giving myself a break seems like it won't work and i get personally involved in someone else's problem. i lose a compassionate attitude for myself. i am an addict who sometimes gets emotionally attached to someone else's interaction with me so i feel validated as a human being.
Thank you for sharing your recovery and allowing me to share mine.

[adam1212]

i personally do not mess with alot of people in the program but i do stay surrounded in the fellowship... i go to meetings pretty regularly 4-7 days a week and i tend to be the hi bye guy but i do have numbers and i listen to people share to know who to go to when a situation arises that i am not familliar with or need help with... my girlfriend is in recovery and shes been using off and on the entire time ive been clean but there have been people who have helped me through this... i suggest that you get involved in service in your area as it will expose you to more people that you may not otherwise have known... you are not unique in your feelings trust and believe that... keep coming long enough and you will meet your twin and chances are you will end up with a sponsee who is going through exactly what you are feeling... i believe my higher power has a plan for me because if he didnt i would siese to wake up in the morning... keep coming and remember that acceptance is key to recovery... you not only have to learn how to accept your feelings but to accept others and disagree without being disagreeable... the steps are only half of the program so i would also suggest that you ask your sponsor about the traditions as well because the traditions teach us how to build healthy relationships they arent just for the homegroup they are for you

[Emimily]

i don't think there's anything wrong with being discerning with your time... you're a human, not an NA/AA robot. i also believe that not everyone in recovery has your best interests at heart... we're recovering addicts and alcoholics, it's not exactly a hotbed of mental health sometimes.

HOWEVER - it's been my experience that pushing through uncomfortable situations has led to tremendous growth. it's up to you and your big guy in the sky to determine which battles you should fight and which ones you should walk away from, but ditching out of stuff because you feel weird isn't always the best thing. i don't know what your scene is like or anything like that, but i know that in MY experience (just mine!) if i had cut bait and left when i got uncomfortable or felt weird, i wouldn't know half the folks i know today... i wouldn't be a sponsor, i wouldn't have one of my very best girl pals, i wouldn't have learned how to relax with other sober folks.

like i said, it's just my experience. trust god, clean house, help others... more will be revealed if you're open to it. take care, darlin!

[sct]

It is difficult, being younger than many other people in the fellowship. What I've found, is that as was suggested- that being involved in service, and just working a good program, tends to minimize those differences. Some of my best friends in recovery are old enough to be my parents. I suppose that's one advantage to most addicts being emotionally stunted... those of use who are chronologically younger can still relate

[AbsentFriend]

Get a new sponsor.

[jane_668]

Some of my best friends in recovery are old enough to be my parents

My sponsor is old enough to be my mom ,yet I still relate to her.She has 21 years clean time .She's been through the same difficulties that I've been through and I can totally relate to her. Sometimes having sober friends who older is an advantage because they can spare us the misery and the low bottoms .I never hit a bottom too and I ddinot lose my family,job..but I view them as yets.If I continue losing I'd not only lose them but lose myself too.We're not in the program because we like to be here but rather because we need & want to be here.My best thinking got me here so I don't object at least not in early recovery.

[navysteve]

I've made sober friends I can hang out with in college

Sounds like you re-joined life ( that's a good thing!)

"tell me how that works for ya"

Is she trying to say that if you don't hang out with people in the rooms you will not stay sober/clean/ whatever???? Which fellowship is yor sponsor??? That isn't in the Big Book, unless they changed it???? My Big Book tells me that I can go anywhere on earth ( Assuming we are spiritually fit we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink... That is from my Big Book)


I was young once in the rooms. I have watched alot of younger folks come and go, just like the not-so-young folks. I have been blessed with sticking around, and have seen the sponsor/sponsee relationships differ from young to old. The good thing about AA is that there is a wrench to fit every nut, find a new wrench...

[Gmoney]

Is she trying to say that if you don't hang out with people in the rooms you will not stay sober/clean/ whatever????

Yeah....I think she was trying to say that. That's a shame. That's not in the NA Basic Text either. I've learned not to tell my sponsees what to do...I share what I did and what worked for me.

[sct]

I turn to my sponsor for his suggestions on things that I haven't done clean yet. Sometimes his advice works for me, sometimes it doesn't. He's an great sponsor, and I love him, but we're also different people. A big part of my recovery is the willingness to try and see what really does work, even if I don't want to.

I think that if you find people you like to hang out with, who are clean, or at least appreciative of your recovery, you're going to be ok.