Denial

[2ala2]

As of my clean date a year and 10 months ago, I have been steadily gaining weight. I am not obesce but I am overweight and it's bothering me. I am not able to apply the 12 steps on food. I'm in denial. Everyday I tell myself "tomorrow I'll start a diet or a healthy lifestyle." Tomorrow has not come for a while now. I am behaving the same way with food as I was with drugs.
Anyone have similar issues? What did you do about them?
My sponsor suggested i apply the first 3 steps on this issue.

[Gmoney]

For most of my adult life, my weight was around 210 or 215. Many people referred to me as "lanky" because I was thick but sort of tall (6'1"). When I got clean I was weighing 160 -165 lbs but gained it all back and more within 30 days and by the time I had 4 months clean I was 245. I was heavy but I felt great, so I didn't concern myself with it. I justified that I'd rather be thick than sick and I maintained that size up until I got incarcerated. I served 18 months...18 months of pasta, rice, potatoes and lots of tuna... and when I came home I weighed 275. For 5 years I seemed to be able to eat whatever I wanted (whenever I wanted) and not gain any more weight, and I still felt pretty good and carried it well (so they say). Most folks were shocked when I told them I weighed 275...so I didn't worry about it.

Then I met "B."

As with many folks who date, we'd go out to eat regularly. Appetizers and full-course meals, then laying around watching movies. But the sinker was all the late-night eating. You see, she loves chicken wings (at 3 -4:00 in the morning!!) and I'd eat right along with her. Now it's 2 years later and I'm 295...and I can see the gain (unlike before). She gained weight too, but here's where we differ: not only has she cut back on food, she joined a gym and is working out 2 - 3 times a week. Me...all I did was stop eating late at night. She's losing weight and I'm still at 295. Oh..did I fail to mention that she's not an addict?

Everyday I tell myself "tomorrow I'll start a diet or a healthy lifestyle."

I say the same...not everyday...but pretty regularly. So, yes, I can relate. For me, it isn't so much about denial as it is not having the willingness to do what it takes to lose it.

[navysteve]

I have gone back and forth with this one too. When I got clean I weighed about 140 ( 6'4" and 140, do you see a problem with this???)

I soon got up to about 215....

A few years ago I became really obsessive about eating right and exercising. I turned a good thing into an unhealthy thing pretty quick. balance is hard. That all or nothing crap makes doing simple things like eating right kinda difficult.

Now, I am taking a medication that causes rapid weight gain, and I have pretty bad foot problems ( probably induced by too much exercise) so I am forced into a state of willingness to find balance. I cannot spend hours in the gym, and sitting around will give me the chance to watch my waist expand. So, now I have to watch what I eat. The moral of the story????

Sometimes it takes what it takes to make me willing to make a healthy change.

[Paulie]

I am not able to apply the 12 steps on food

Able is not the right word....willing is the word.

Trust me I know, I speak from experience.

I always had a weight problem, except when I was using my doc....speed. I got clean, instantly gained 30 lbs. Towards the end of my first year I lost most of by starving myself. As I continued to work a program that behaviour didnt work anymore. I had to maintain, not an easy thing for an addict like me. But I did. Then I stopped going to meetings, stopped working a program and I gained over 85 lbs. After 4 years of being away from the program I got miserable enough to walk back into the rooms.

I have lost the weight, but I still struggle daily, up and down, 10 lbs off, 15 on etc. etc. today as I work a program I understand it is not about the substance, that can be a bag of speed or a box of donuts.......I am an addict. It is about my behavior.

For me a huge gift I got in recovery (one of many) is learning to think before I speak, a trait IMO most addicts (not in recovery) do not have LOL. Today I have learned to think before I eat......I have learned this through working a program.

What I am trying to say (I get so darn long winded sometimes LOL) is it is not the substance, (the food) it is the behavior.

Willingness is the answer.

[Thundar301]

Me I have been a Big boy all my life, I played on the O and D line in football , I wrestled at the heavyweight spot on the team, had to lose over 50 lbs just to get in the army after school and lost more during Basic Training. I weighed 182 lbs @6ft tall after Basic Training, I had not been under 200 lbs since 8th grade! well after I got out of the service (failed drug test, twice) I let my hair grow and was up to 315 lbs in 2 years... then I went on this whole health kick started doing arobics then lifting weights right afterwards, riding a bike 5 days a week and lost it, got back down to 210 lbs, had a car accedent about 4 years later (while stopped for a school bus was hit from behind) , kinda messed up my back and I couldn't lift more then 25 lbs for about 6 months per Doctor. I started to pack it back on, I was back up to 275 lbs when I moved back to California in 97, and still gaining. I discovered Meth out there and got hooked, when I went into rehab in Sept. 2004 I weighed 204 lbs, down from a high of 338 lbs. with in a year of getting clean, I was back to the 250-275 lbs range, and after starting to drive Big Rigs I jump up to a new High of 412 lbs.??? I stopped there and am back on the healthy eatting kick and am slowly taking off what I slowly put on, I am under 400 lbs today and shooting to get back to my 240-250 range for a guy who stands 6-2. I didn't get clean to die of a heart attack from over eatting , no more buffets! no eatting right before I sleep, and more exercise, one day I be there!

[REZ]

Soon after getting clean I developed a replacement obsession: food. I ate a lot more, obsessed on it a lot, got into binge eating, etc., and I gained weight. I would've gained even more weight if I did have another obsession to balance it: exercise. Over the years, I have gotten better with food. I have learned moderation and balance--two very difficult concepts for an addict. Moderation is necessary when it comes to food because you can't quit eating. What has helped me on this is rigorous application of the step 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 10, 11 on this issue. I have written about my issues with food in my 4th step and I have shared this with my sponsor. I still have occasional problems with eating too much, but generally I am able to achieve a good balance. More importantly, I don't spend a lot of my day obsessing on food or feeling guilty for eating too much, which helps my peace of mind and serenity.
Good luck with this--you are not alone. Many addicts develop problems with food when they get clean.

[Sugah]

I always hesitate to enter discussions like this because if anything, I'm underweight (5' 5", 103lbs). But that doesn't mean I don't have food issues. No, I'm not anorexic or bulimic. I've always had a very high metabolism, and other than jumping to about 135 straight out of rehab (wheelchair bound, wolfing anything in sight) and being pregnant (gaining from 92lbs to 160 with my first child), I've been 103lbs since high school. I'm now 40.

Before you hate me, consider this. When I'm with my family, cooking nightly, I do pretty well with a balanced diet. I eat the fruit I buy for them. I drink juice. I eat vegetables with my meals. But, I head off to grad school, and things change. Oh, I do alright at first, taking fresh garden produce down and cooking several times a week (eating leftovers on the nights I don't). Then the fresh produce runs out. I go to the grocery store and reject fresh stuff as inferior or something too expensive to go to waste before I can finish it all. I load up on salty high carb easy meals--French bread pizzas and such.

This morning as I was packing up to go home for winter break, my gums start to bleed. I realize that I've been existing the last five days on bread, pop tarts, canned tuna, bean soup and potato chips. My first stop out on the highway was for V-8 juice.

I've got to wonder, too, if my diet had anything to do with the brain fog I've had a good bit of the week. It's easy to blame it on my fibromyalgia, or end-of-semester exhaustion.

So, thin doesn't necessarily mean healthy. I think the quality and variety of food we put into our bodies is just as important as the quantity. Be careful if you're scaling back. Don't cut out the good stuff!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[kj3880]

Sorry Sugah, I have to hate you a bit...lol..:sorry.
I've always wanted to be naturally thin, even if my gums bleed! Sadly, this isn't my genetic fate. I've fought my weight my whole adult life. All the women in my family pack it on at about 23. Most of them are quite healthy even though well over 200 lbs.

It wasn't the same for me, though. When I wasn't using, I never let myself get heavy. I got over the healthy weight range whilst on pain pills (didn't care, then, bigger problems on my mind!) and I immediately started getting mild diabetic symptoms and headaches and lack of energy. I felt horrible.

However, it was suggested to me to wait until 6 months clean to work on the weight, and so I did. I suggest waiting a few months into recovery rather than doing it all at once.

At exactly 6 months, I went on Atkins, as recommended by my doctor, to regulate my blood sugar and weight. In two months, I'd lost over 20 pounds and felt fantastic. Actually, I felt great after the first couple of days. My body seems to thrive on this diet.

Tonight my boss pulled me aside and told me that I now look better than I did 15 years ago when I was in my late 20's. What a nice compliment. Ah, the benefits of recovery.

Anyway, I know that Atkins is not for everyone. Consult your doctor and get the best plan for your body. That's what I did. The next step for me will be to incorporate some more excercise, if I can just find the time!

KJ

[2ala2]

The great thing about this program is finding out, not only that you're not alone, but also that others share the exact same issues. I am looking at the similarities.
A bottom in this area sux. Have I reached my bottom? Do I need to? I am asking myself.
I hear you on the willingness G and Paulie. No substitute for moderation here. Like Rez said: you can't stop eating!
I'm going grocery shopping in a while.

[Gmoney]

Like Steve said:

Sometimes it takes what it takes to make me willing to make a healthy change.