Teen girl asking for my advice

[kj3880]

Here's a Sheila-type thread, hehe. Sheila, you always have these type of questions, now I have one similar.

This girl at my home group is younger than my daughter and has a bit more clean time than me, which is great for her. Anyway, last week, she was waiting to meet a guy after a meeting and she spoke to me about it. She told me he "has a year clean, but is a lot older" I knew exactly who she was talking about, he's dated almost all the women in my home group. Yech. He is a lot older too, I felt kind of protective.

One of the girls with more time clean (a year) than me was listening beside me and said to me "tell her the truth, she is asking you for the information." So I did. I advised that he tends to date a lot of newcomers and that I would steer clear, if it were me. Then the other girl chimed in and agreed. She called all 3 of the other women in my home group over to us and they agreed, too (he's probably dated 'em all in turn) that he is a train wreck right now to date.

So of course, the reason I didn't want to say anything happened. She went out with him despite us all , and told him exactly what was said. He isn't really mad at me, but just a bit colder than before. I do feel bad that he got talked about. But I wish he would stop it with the young new girls. Oh well, he'll get over it, I guess, and hopefully it won't cause her to relapse. Why do people ask us for advice if they're going to do it anyway? Her comment was "I just want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it."
Boy does that ever sound like an addict???
Comments, concerns?
kj

[butterfly19]

Actually KJ,

That comment she made sounds more like a teenager!!!!

So, sweetie, know that you did do the right thing, at least IMO. She was fairly warned. So now, she may have to learn a hard lesson, or who knows maybe they'll fall in love. Odds sound like they're against that though.

As far as he goes. Well, he knows exactly what he does. And if he didn't know, then now he does. Which should be pointed out to him, imo. He should realize people are there for recovery not for a dating service! Sounds like that by him always hitting on the newbies, that he wants to get to the most vulnerable, which sends BIG warning bells off in my head! Hopefully, he's not of the dangerous type who would harm anyone physically. If you ever get that feeling from him or hear about him forcing himself on someone, I suggest you call the authorities ASAP.

Otherwise, don't worry about the advice you gave. It doesn't sound like you said anything hurtful about the guy that he prolly didn't already know! And the young girl will learn. She is just that, a youngen'. You're a good person and meant no harm. So stay well sweetie, and know you did the right thing!

Love,

butterfly19

[TTOSBT]

kj,
Your side of the street is clean. You spoke the truth because you felt it would help another, not to gossip. Understandably, she has to figure it out herself but you made an honest try to help her avoid unnecessary pain, if possible.
If you feel bad about the guy, I would go straight up to him and tell him that you apologize for speaking about him behind his back but this is why.

[Sugah]

I don't think you owe him an apology, and I don't think that his attitude towards you is your problem. She asked you for advice. You didn't intervene when you saw her situation - you were approached. On the other hand, we do "call each other" on certain behaviors, knowing it's potentially life-saving - so even if you had approached her, I don't know that it's wrong. If this guy exhibits predatory behavior, then newcomers should be warned about it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Lily]

KJ,

You're so funny! I know I ask a lot of questions! HAHHAHA! There is a lot of wisdom on these boards though, huh?

Well, the reason I think he is acting differently cuz he knows you are on to him. I wouldn't think twice about it, I would just forge ahead and keep telling the truth as you know it when asked.

Warning younger women of possible preditor types is never a bad thing!

Blessings, Sheila

[daydream]

kj, hugs for speaking out. You aren't the first person and won't be the last who had a good deed bite them in the ass. A few years ago the guy at our group who picks up all the newcomers was hitting on my sponsee (less than 2 weeks clean) and my best friend's sponsee who also had only weeks clean. My best friend wasn't present at the time, so in addition to warning my own sponsee, I warned hers as well. She went straight and told him. He in turn came at me yelling, threatening, yadda yadda, saying I better mind my own damn business. I told him I would continue to warn newcomers about him and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. The 2 hooked up. The 2 relapsed. He continued to repeat the cycle with more newcomers. Today he is using and his health is so bad that he is near the end.

[Phinneas]

THANK YOU for speaking your truth. I am so glad to see you and the other women letting newcomers or just people new to that meeting or new to HIM know about his past behavior. We need to watch out for one another and, especially, the newbies. Good. Put him on notice that the women "know" about his predator behavior. Unfortunately, it exists in the rooms - some more than others. Well done, I say!

And yes, too, about not worrying about what other people think of us. It's my job to keep my side of the street clean only. Your motive was right on so take a deep breath and let it go, k?

[sticker]

i to want to thank you for telling it like it is kj...i get so sick off seeing this kind of predatory behavior in our fellowship. We need to make sure that ppl have a safe environment to recover in. So what if this guy is a little cooler to ya.. its his S**t

[ANGELINA243]

I wish someone in my "original" home group would have warned me about a certain guy in our group..years ago (another 12 step fellowship).....that was a situation that ended badly>he is still on probation--for what he did to me.