Need advice soon!!!!

[squeakyclean74]

I am a 33 yr old female, I am 16 months clean and I attend at least 3-4 meetings a week. I also work in a recovery facility for women. I am gsr for my homegroup and very active with the other members of my group. (NA)
My issue is I cant find a female sponsor to work the steps!!!! I have finished my first step from the step study guide and I have started working step 2 but I stopped because I cant find a female to go over them with. I talk to a couple of the male members in my group and area, they have wonderful stories of experience strength and hope and I owe a lot of my recovery to them. I really dont know what I would have done with out them. However they have suggested I get a female sponsor for my stepwork!!!
My question is are they right? and if there arent any women available is it a bad idea to work my steps with a male sponsor?

[Gmoney]

Hi Squeakyclean74,

For years I've always heard it said that men should stick with the men and women should stick with the women - for obvious reasons, but I have known of a few circumstances where men were sponsored by women and women were sponsored by men. I guess it's not an ideal situation, but I have seen it work.

On the other hand, I've also seen it not work and people got hurt. Since I've been coming to SR, I've heard many women share about the lack of available women sponsors. I'd be the last to tell you what you should do, but I think the men who suggested that you keep looking for a woman to sponsor you may be doing so for your good as well as their own.

IMO, in situations like that...if motives aren't kept in check, things can go horribly wrong.

[serenityqueen]

Congratulations on your 16 Months of your new life!

I'm not quite sure why you're having a difficult time finding a female sponsor. I live in Dayton, Ohio where there are more AA Meetings available than NA, therefore, more sponsors in AA.

Have you thought about asking someone to be a temporary sponsor so you can begin to work the Steps? I honestly don't see where one of the men who you have developed a wonderful Recovery friendship with couldn't or wouldn't act as a temp sponsor in order to help you with working the Steps. I can understand why you wouldn't want a member of the opposite sex to share your fourth step with, but surely the first, second and third steps couldn't hurt anything. Perhaps if you let them know this is only a temporary situation so you can continue to grow in your Recovery.

Keep sharing with us and welcome to SR where a tremendous amt. of support is found 24/7.

God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy

[kj3880]

I have just the same problem. And I don't really feel at home enough in AA to get a sponsor there, although there are more women there in my town as well. I'm truly an NA kind of gal. I go to AA meetings when my shift doesn't allow me to get to NA, but I dont' speak, as I never had an alcohol problem, I hate the taste of it. The AAers in my area really are different than NAers here. I respect them fully, heck, alcoholism is tough to beat, and they are working a great program, but I can't imagine having an AA sponsor. I'd feel like a goose egg being hatched in a swan's nest, I think. I tried having lunch with a possible AA candidate and she agreed, it was just too different, although she is still part of my support network and a great lady. I really, really want an NA sponsor. I've had some serious mis-steps in my search for one. There is such a shortage of women with time in, that I let a crazy woman into my life for a minute just cause she had 10 years clean. I don't know what the answer is. My home group would absolutely freak if I tried to have a male sponsor. Seriously, they'd not allow it. He'd be hauled over the coals for trying to 13th step me, I know it. The M to M and F to F sponsor tradition is pretty strong in my area. So there must be really good reasons for that. I bet some newcomers relapsed over breaking it somewhere along the line around here. So I'm not going to try it, I'll just muddle along as best as I can until God puts the right woman in my life. Hope you have better luck than I've had with this.
kj

[Sugah]

I know a woman who was in a similar situation. She lives about 300 miles from me, and after much frustration, she asked me to temporarily sponsor her long-distance. We worked together over the phone and via e-mail - and I will say that it was not ideal, but it got her through the steps instead of standing still and eventually sliding backwards. It was hard on both of us for different reasons. We don't stay in as close contact now as we did when she was doing formal step work, but she's doing fine - she'll have three years in August, and I really have no doubt that she'll make it.

Before there were meetings everywhere, folks used to work twelve-step programs through the mail. Still today, the sister fellowship has a "Loners" program whereby those in remote regions are matched with pen-pals to correspond about recovery. Perhaps World Services has some similar program?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[happyboy]

I have shared before that I come from an area in the world where na is new. We have a definate shortage of women sponsors, although it is slowly changing. We did see some women spponsored by men - and in each of the instances that come to mind, it was a disaster. We refer women to a few AA women who have offered. Very far from ideal. I like sugah's sugggestions. I have no strong opinion, just sharing a (limited) experience

[Paulie]

I talk to a couple of the male members in my group and area, they have wonderful stories of experience strength and hope and I owe a lot of my recovery to them. I really dont know what I would have done with out them.

Ask those men that have been there to support you for suggestions of women they may know. My guess is they should be able to direct you to someone.

Also I would suggest going to AA and talking with women there...explain you do mostly NA and your situation, you never know what women are in the same situation as you.

Congrats on reaching out and seeking help!

[navysteve]

My issue is I cant find a female sponsor to work the steps!!!!

Just my two cents:

I agree with Garry about men sponsoring men and vice versa. The intimacy that can develop by practicing the steps can become complicated when genders are mixed ( We are not all that well evolved even when it comes to recovery). I am not saying it would happen, but I have known it to happen. When I got clean, my sponsor had an AA sponsor so I had more of an open mind to how the steps are worked in AA. Before NA was established, addicts got sponsored by AA'ers. If it worked then, can it work now????

Some say no. I say it does work for me. I had to get over my own hang up ( that statement is about me)

Today I have an AA sponsor. I live in a small area and haven't met any men that have what I want in NA, it isn't about clean time, it is about the recovery. Time is just a date on a calendar and I do not need my sponsor to have as much time as I do. I don't need my sponsor to be the same religion as me, have the same political leanings as I do, or suffer from drug addiction. The diseases stem from the same spiritual illness. Yes, I agree that it would be best if you had an NA sponsor to guide you, but I do not even think sponsors are essential, if you are religious, a spiritual mentor from your church would be great. We need to learn how to live life on lifes terms, whatever gets you there is better than being your own guide.

[squeakyclean74]

Wow you have all been so very helpful to me....sometimes I think I know the answer to my own ? but I need that reassurance from another recovering person. I tend to ? my decisions because lets face it my best thinking got me in a lot of trouble for many years.
Keep it coming I truly am grateful today for all the suggestions I have gotten on SR!!!