What would you do?

[Lily]

I just got a call from a lady who attends our NA meeting. She has been coming for months but never says a peep. Last week she shared, just a tiny bit and asked me to be her sponsor. I explained to her that I only have 4 months (plus my sponsor told me she would like to see me get thru the 12 steps before I sponsor anyone) and I gave her my number.

Well, this morning she called. She told me she is a binge drinker and also uses drugs, (I didn't ask what) and she had drank yesterday, missed her sons game and her family was very angry. I asked her to dump out her bottle and call me back (after I had talked with a little). She did indeed do this, I told her I would meet her tonight at the meeting and I encouraged her to share with the group what she shared with me and to also pick up a white surrender tag.

Now what do I do? Do I tell her to pick a sponsor? (we only have 1 lady who really has any time strung together, she also sponsors me)

Do I try to guide her by telling her to get a NA workbook? She has only reached out to me.

I guess I don't know what to do with her cuz I got a sponsor right away and started working the steps right away and that is all I know. Do I just befriend her till she decides to find someone on her own?

of course I want her to surrender and start working right away so she can have a life w/ her twins and her son and hubby. what would you do?

thanks, Sheila

[tommyk]

Have her get a workbook (maybe even buy her one).

Offer to be her temporary sponsor.

One primary responsibility of a sponsor is to guide them through the steps.

Get her started and see where things go from there.

[Paulie]

Do I just befriend her till she decides to find someone on her own?

IMO, yes you do. You be her friend/her support and you help her open up by example in meetings you go to. You can be of great help to her without being her sponsor.

I come from the old school, as it sounds like your sponsor does, a sponsor is someone to guide another through the steps and we cannot do that until we work them ourselves. But that does not mean that you cannot be her support, you can talk everyday and be her friend.

I would go to other meetings with her, in both fellowships so that she can find a sponsor. That is what I do with women who ask me when I am not able to sponsor them, I be there friend and help them branch out to find a sponsor.

Just my 4 cents.

[tanyapmc]

I am torn here Sheila. I am a stickler for doing what my sponsor says. If she says you should not sponsor anyone then you need to listen to her.

On the other hand..........

I personally believe if we have done step 1 then we can take someone through step 1. Then step 2 etc.
Especially if there are not many women to sponsor her.

I know I am playing my own devil's advocate here.

Personally I would talk to my sponsor about how I could sponsor this woman.

Remember we can only keep what we have by giving it away!

I agree with Tommy on the temporary sponsor thing too!

Much love

[cookconfay]

I was ALWAYS taught to NEVER say no. I've had girls ask me to sponsor them way back when I didn't have much time....and I would ask my sponsor, she would tell me that I could help them as far as I had gone, which by that time would probably be farther if you understand what I mean. Alot of what tanyapmc was saying. BUT...with prayer and leaving it up to God and helping with what you can....chances are she will eventually find someone else anyways.....especially if you tell her you can be a temporary sponsor until she finds a more permanent one.

[Timebuster]

Our program is about Honesty and being open minded. I also believe things happen in recovery for a reason. This person was put into your life for a reason. Its up to you to find out why. I agree with everyone’s suggestion to temporary sponsor her. Be honest with her and tell her that your are also in the early recovery stages.

If your new found friend is sincere about her recovery. You will both grow from this experience. Keep it simple. Keep working your steps. Everything else will fall in its place.

Ivan

[Paulie]

If your new found friend is sincere about her recovery. You will both grow from this experience. Keep it simple. Keep working your steps. Everything else will fall in its place.

Well said.

[happyboy]

In my na group lots of sponsors with clean time is a luxury we do not have. We have few women with clean time. So we do a a lot of temporary sponsoring. Personally I do not believe you need to do all the steps to sponsor.

For me its about addicts helping addicts.

If you were not to sponsor her, what would happen. We had the problem with some people having too many sponsees. In at least one case this lead to that particular addict relapsing.

Talk to your sponsor again. If I feel strongly about something, I engage with my sponsor. I thrash through the issue. My sponsor is not always all knowing. I do this with a spirit of honesty, and a willingness to be wrong, and learn. Sometimes he hears me and agrees with my view. Sometimes, his wisdom is much deaper than mine, and I listen and hear him.

So put your feelings to your sponsor. Trust hp. And then listen to your sponsor.

I struggle to identify with some of the views here, as I do not take na for granted.(not saying anyone here does) Keeping the doors open for us is struggle enough. Sometimes we have had to refer woman addicts to willing alcoholic sponsors. Not ideal at all. Alkies do not always get addicts. But a person who knows the 12 step programme is better than no one to assist women.

Ideally, perhaps we should have lots of clean time before we sponsotr. Perhaps we need to have worked all the steps. But that is not always available. I trust the HP that guides our fledgling group. And I trust that the help one addict can give another is a very special gift.

When I went into recovert two years ago, we had one meeting a week. Sometimes we were 2 or 3 addicts.

Today we have 2 meetings a week, with 20 -40 people at each meeting. And we celebrate a year of sobriety more and more often. What a powerful programme.

Sorry if I rambled, i am just (imperfectly) trying to express that the ideal is not always the reality in na.

Thanks for let me ramble........errrr .....share!

[kj3880]

I really appreciate this thread. Those of you that had been following my story know my struggle with finding a sponsor. But for those that didn't, here it is in brief: I couldn't find a woman with a year clean time, so I went to other meetings farther away, and all I could find was a sponsor who lived a state away (an hour and a half, by car, so not crazy far). Unfortunately, this sponsor almost immediately breached my anonymity by telling my emotionally fragile son about my addiction after I had asked her not to do so (on the phone, no less). There were a lot of red flags there that I hadn't heeded about her mental stability because I was over-excited to finally get someone to sponsor me. I had already asked the 2 women in my area that had time, but they both had too many sponsees to take another one on.
In reading this thread, it makes me think that maybe it would be good to ask one of these 2 womens' sponsees to work with me. Those women all have about 4 or 5 months clean. I have 2 months. So maybe that could be an idea for me. After all, if they run into something with me that they can't figure out, they could ask their sponsor? It certainly isn't ideal, but few things are.
kj

[Lily]

Thanks for all of your replies!

I will re-address this with my sponsor tonight. I think it is pretty good info to sponsor someone as far as you have gone. I just finised step 2 and am starting step 3.

I really feel for this woman. It is raining cats and dogs here in WI and I am willing to drive to get to that meeting thru thick and thin. I cannot wait!

Temporary sponsor or just a friend, I can still get her a workbook.

blessings, Sheila

[NoelleR]

"...Temporary sponsor or just a friend, I can still get her a workbook..."

Well, there ya go...... (o: You certainly don't need an AA PhD, or a certificate of completion. or anything actually, to be a part of this woman's support group......u gottit, Sheila..... u go grrl!


NoelleR

[Gmoney]

Hi Sheila,

Please take what I'm about to share with a grain of salt - I'm not an authority on this issue, so what I'll share is a mixture of experience and opinion.

I personally do not believe in temporary sponsorship because my disease isn't temporary. The new IP on sponsorship is revised, but I'm old-school, and the way I was taught was that a member should seek guidance from their own sponsor before taking on the responsibility of sponsoring someone else. That's what I did and that's what my 1st sponsor did. Sure...a sponsor isn't a perfect person and their opinions aren't always written in stone, but if we chose them to guide us, we did it for a reason. For me, it was experience and knowledge of the program. I trusted his judgement. Your sponsor's judgement was:

(plus my sponsor told me she would like to see me get thru the 12 steps before I sponsor anyone)

Maybe she saw something about you that you haven't seen. I dunno. If you feel you need to question her about it, you may find out why she feels that way - but if her call is the same, what will you do?

Secondly, the Basic Text tell us that newcomers are to be sponsored by the group until they get a sponsor.

"Sponsorship for newcomers is also the responsibility of the group. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the NA way of recovery from addiction - one addict helping another." - BT, page 55

So, basically, what I'm saying is that you can be her friend and help her without "formally" being her sponsor. At 4 months clean, how will you be able to handle the emotional attachment? What is she (HP forbid) uses?

Just food for thought.

[Gmoney]

Sorry...I meant, what if she uses?

[kcal]

If a dog were on the side of the road sick, would you go to it? If a person is sick and needs your help, are you the kind of person that would help them? That is all you need to ask yourself, in my opinion.
Kcal

Good luck to you!

[sct]

I had a temporary sponsor for a while, for my own reasons which are probably only interesting to me and it worked out well- it gave me someone for support while my HP got me ready for my permanent sponsor.

In this case- at my groups everyone is encouraged to collect phone numbers and to build a support group- 'group sponsorship' or no, just in case your sponsor is out of town, or god-forbid- sleeps once in a while. Maybe be one of those folks for her for a while and see how it goes.

[Time2Surrender]

An oldtimer mentioned once "If a guy with one day aproaches a guy with 2 days..... The guy with 2 days still has plenty to offer"