Trouble

[kj3880]

I have to ask you all for help (long post, read it when you have the time, please). There are already some major probs between me and new sponsor. What should I do?
She asked me what I've been doing so far towards my recovery. Here are the issues that came up as a result of that question:
1. She doesn't like my meeting schedule. I go to AA the days I'm on night shift as there is no daytime NA in my county. She wants me to start driving an hour each way to get to daytime NA in the city. This 3 hour excursion would be before I would have to work a full shift and would cost a lot with the gas prices these days. I don't think I can or want to do it. I'm fine with AA on some days, I think.
2. She doesn't like me discussing recovery on the internet. She feels it's a waste of time. She doesn't like computers.
3. She made fun of the typed step one work I'd done because I did it on the computer, and now I have to rewrite it in pen for her.
4. She seems to look down on me because I'm a single mom. It's not the way I planned it, but hey, I'm doin the best I can with 'em. She has no children but is in her 40's and happily married. She seems to think that makes her better than me because I don't have that relationship.
5. She is very critical/wants me to stop all prescription meds but she has no medical training. I've been on my antidepression/antianxiety med for years with no abuse issues and with pretty good results. She wants me to tell everyone about my problem. I seriously would lose my job (trust me on it, I would, it's a unique type of job). And it would hurt my kids and my parents. Why do I have to tell them, as long as I'm not using? I dont have lots of stuff with my family that I need to make up. They didn't know about it. Mostly I hurt me.
7. She wants me to tell other NA members about my job. She thinks it will help them and me, but I don't think it anyone's business. I don't know where she is getting all this directive in nature instructions. Anyone?
Thanks. Maybe everyone has to do all this stuff when they get a sponsor? Tell me what you think, please,
KJ

[Gmoney]

I think this woman is WAY out of line. I'd tell her exactly what you've told us.

just my 2 cents.

[navysteve]

She is very critical/wants me to stop all prescription meds but she has no medical training.

That is scary KJ. That isn't a sponsor. That is a dictator in my opinion.

She made fun of the typed step one work I'd done because I did it on the computer, and now I have to rewrite it in pen for her.

What is the difference??? Typed, in pen, spoken word????

I hope you find a real sponsor. A sponsor is a guide.

But in all fairness, does she have what you want????

[jane_668]

Sometimes we think we know best but the reality is different.We are used to do things our way. We're used to feel offended by any simple act.So perhaps she see things you're not seeing.I know that I have tried my own ways many many times and got the same results each and every time.I always thought that I knew my myself and my situation better.It seems I didnot know any thing .My best thinking got me into further troubles. If I keep doing my own way I will never change. That's why I'm learning how to listen no matter what I think. Try her for a while.Tell her how you are feeling.Ask her for the reasons. You can always find another sponsor.

[navysteve]

"You can always find another sponsor."

A sponsor who tells you to get off meds is a great example of a "former" sponsor

[Gmoney]

7. She wants me to tell other NA members about my job. She thinks it will help them and me, but I don't think it anyone's business.

It isn't. We're called Narcotics ANONYMOUS for a reason. I've been around almost a decade and I've hardly ever disclosed specifics about my employment.

Medical advise from someone who isn't a medical professional? I don't think so. And as far as telling "everyone" goes, I think that's something you should decide for yourself, in your own time.

Single, married, divorced, shackin' ...what difference does it make? Addiction doesn't discriminate. Sounds like she's moralizing...I dunno.

Jane has a good point, but ultimately we have to make our own decisions and face the rewards or the consequences. ES&H is all we have to give, sponsors aren't supposed to make life decisions for sponsees. Is she gonna get you a new job if you lose yours following that advice? Is she gonna pay for your gas?

[Sugah]

It's a sad fact that some folks, still unable to fully surrender, exercise their control issues on other people. I've heard folks say, "If my sponsor told me to go stand on my head in the corner, I'd do it," but truly - recovery is not an exercise in doing things that a) make no sense and b) are potentially harmful just to prove that you're willing to take "suggestions."

I'd be looking for another sponsor.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[suki44883]

Dump her.

[kj3880]

Yeah Guys, thanks,
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way, I thought maybe I was going crazy. I'm doing so well, made such good progress going to NA, sharing, not using, following the doctors' advice exactly, feeling fantastic, fixing my finances, and loving the new friends and fellowship I've found here and at meetings. I'm not gonna mess it all up just to please her. I'll keep looking and just tell her that she and I aren't compatible at this point. I'll thank for her interest and keep progressing. I feel sure they'll be someone just around the corner that I can work with. Truly guys, I'm not real hard to get along with, I want to learn. But I'm not dumping my addictionologist, losing my job, wrecking my budget,and wearing out my car and body by going on 3 hour jaunts every morning when they're perfectly good AA meetings right nearby for nightshift days. And I'm not gonna ruin my parent's peace of mind, or cause my mentally challenged son (OCD) to have even more trouble and anxiety by dumping my troubles on them. They love me and they're here for me regardless. And the last thing I need in rebuilding my self-esteem is a sponsor who seems to think I'm a piece of sh@t because I'm an opiate addict (In her estimation, us "junkies" are lower forms of life than the coke addicts. Whatever. It's all the same to me. We're all addicts, right? None of us are better than anyone.) Thanks so much for being here for me. I love you guys.
kj

[daydream]

RUN!

Fast!

In the opposite direction!

I think you did a good thing for your recovery by asking for the input of others in recovery. As newcomers especially, we really don't know what's good for us. We hear people talk about following directions, doing what our sponsor says do and are encouraged not to question those things. But sponsors are NOT perfect, they are NOT doctors or marriage counselors or parenting experts or mental health therapists. IN my own experience, asking input from others, instead of solely looking for answers within, has probably saved my ass more than a few times. This sponsor you are describing sounds like a complete hardline control freak who is widely overstepping her role as sponsor, which is to share her experience, strength and hope to guide you through the steps. She cannot teach you what she does not KNOW. I have a history of severe depressoin, anxiety and PTSD dating back to the age of 13. I refused medications for many years because I was ashamed to need them. At 2 years clean I crashed in such a way that it was having a serious impact on my job performance and people were noticing. I had no joy in my life and could not adequately parent my son because all i could bring myself to do was feed and clothe him. I finally got desperate enough to consider medications. Sponsor said that if I got on medications I would have to get a new sponsor. She had no knowledge of real depression and thought it was just the blues that everyone gets. This was also while I was working the NA program wholeheartedly. With great sadness, I left that sponsor, got on meds and my life completely turned around. The meds NEVER made me feel high or weird, but for the first time in my life, I didn't feel like CRAP. Many addicts do take the advice of sponsors who tell them to quit their meds, and many of those addicts end up in institutions, losing jobs, wrecking their family lives or even committing suicide because they did what their sponsors told them. I think the sooner you find a sponsor who shares her ESH and directs you to appropriate experts for other issues, the better. Good luck!!

[Lily]

KJ,

I would just tell her you have thought about it and you do not think you guys are going to be a good match.

Don't feel bad though, my first sponsor didn't work out either. Pray for another sponsor who will come along and will work out.

That lady sounds like a control freak! My sponsor never really gives me advice unless I ask her for it and she wants to work on step work with me "questions and answers"
She does call me on things sometimes as they come up.

SR has really helped me & we don't want you to leave us! :-D I know some ppl who do not know computers are all paranoid that ppl are gonna track you down and rape and murder you. Fear of the unknown....

Sheila

[Gmoney]

AA history aside...

NA suggests that a sponsor be a guide through the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. NA also suggests that a sponsor has a "working knowledge" of the 12 Steps (old IP). The newly revised IP on sponsorship can be read at this link:

http://www.na.org/pdf/litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3111.pdf

Since this is the NA - 12 Step Forum....

Talking to a sponsee's family? Yeah, right... Soooo not the NA way.

[Paulie]

Did you express to her what you expressed here to us? That is what I think you should do first before anything else.

Go through each point like you did with us and tell her exactly how you feel. She may not be the right sponsor for you, and that is okay. But first be honest with her and share like you did with us.

You said she is older....ummm 40's so am I LOL, but I see what you mean and some people my age are not in to the internet that is okay. My H thinks SR is just a big meeting with a bunch of cross talk LMAO. That is his opinion.

She is old school and thinks you should write your step work, IMO it does not matter as long as it is down on paper, but that is her way.

The meeting thing, well she sounds like one of the people that only does NA and some are like that. I have a friend like that who has over 11 years clean and would not go into an AA meeting if her behind was on fire. Her opinion. That reason right there, IMO is a reason to find another sponsor, differnt views in that area is huge.

And the med thing, I suggest to women I work with that have been on meds for a long time, that they are honest with their drs about being in recovery, but that is it. I am not a medical dr and neither is she.

I agree with Sheila.....ask your HP to put someone in your life. Maybe do not think about someone having a lot of time, just find someone who has worked the steps and has a sponsor of their own, keep it simple.

[navysteve]

THis is not an AA versus NA thing. This is a sponsorship thing. Two different fellowships have developed two different methods ( although similar). And the problem KJ described happens in AA as well. True, sponsorship has evolved from the way you spoke, the operative term is evolved!!!

And in many cases, when untreted alcoholics/addicts are sponsoring people this is the result ( control freaks!)

[Aa_vark]

thanks for posting the informational pamphlet link, gary.

kj, i think that you will know who you want to trust to be your sponser when you finally meet the right person. Like paulie suggested, pray that your HP will put the right person in your life. And keep looking.

As for seeking recovery on the internet, and in meetings of both fellowships? It's working for me If I do the work...

[navysteve]

2 fellowships works for me quite well too. In many ways it offers me insight that people who attend only NA and AA do not get. I personally stick with one sponsor. But in many ways, I have many sponsors. I understand what anvil was getting at. Sponsorship has warped into something else many times over in both AA and NA. A good sponsor will show how he or she practices the program

[kj3880]

Me too. I take as much help as I can get...NA, AA, internet buddies (you guys!). But I don't need judgment and bullying. NA is my home, but I listen at a couple AA meetings a week when I can't get to NA, and I get fellowship there, too. By the way, I'm in my 40's and I'm comfortable with a computer. IMO it matters what helps me, not what helps my sponsor. She isn't trying to help, I think she's trying to control. I believe that she thinks her intentions are good, but she just doesn't have a clue about how to guide me through the 12 steps at all. And that's cool. She meant well, she just has her own problems, and that's OK. I'm not gonna get wound up about it, just keep moving on. I'll find someone good eventually, and my recovery will continue. By the way, she already called my already troubled son and told him about my program, breaching my anonimity. So she's pretty much crossed the line irrevocably in my opionion.
kj

[Aa_vark]

Originally Posted by kj3880

By the way, she already called my already troubled son and told him about my program, breaching my anonimity. So she's pretty much crossed the line irrevocably in my opionion.
kj

Not cool, sorry to hear that. Thats an aweful breach of anonymity, definately, run. no good sponser would ever pull that stuff. Find a sponser who actually works the steps AND traditions!

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

figures it would become an NA versus AA thing....MY POINT was that sponsorship ORIGINALLY had NOTHING to do with whether or not someone used a typewriter or a pencil to write out their fourth step, had nothing to do with the quantity of meetings a person attended.....it was simply the method of reaching out to the still suffering person and guiding them towards AA. AND i believe the original poster said that it is more convenient for HER to attend AA than NA, so my post was appropriate. YOURS however, IMHO, was myopic and arrogant.....conveniently forgetting ONCE AGAIN from when NA sprung and showing a complete lack of openmindedness.

to kj - please seek out someone who can help guide and encourage you, not beat down and berate you.........

Well Anvilhead...I won't attempt to insult you like you tried to do to me, but since you're now saying what you meant to say...why didn't you say it instead of posting AA history in the NA forum? I'll admit I'm a little closed-minded from time to time, but I sure did miss your point in all that stuff you provided. And if you'd go back and check, what KJ said was there were no daytime NA meetings in her county, so she goes because that's all there is and she works nights. Did you assume a preference? KJ refers to herself as an addict and she posted this thread in the NA forum...or did you miss that? And why is it so important for you to remind others from whence NA sprang? To set you straight...I have no need to remember or forget where NA came from. I could care less. What matters is it is here NOW. IMO, it's only important to those who like to believe AA is somehow superior, so they throw it out regularly to make themselves feel good. They say life started in Africa....

All BS aside... As an NA member who has much respect for the program and fellowship of AA, I do not post NA literature, history, or excerpts in the AA forum. Simple as that.

[Gmoney]

Oh yeah...what the heck does "myopic" mean? LOL!! Doesn't it have something to do with short-sightedness?