Why Is It??? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Gmoney · 03-02-2008, 10:16 PM

Why is it that almost everytime an addict with extensive clean time relapses, they come back into the rooms ranting, raving & criticizing everyone and everything?

I seen it more times than I want to admit, and I really don't want to scare anyone away from NA meetings, but it's not pretty. As a matter of fact, it just burns my a_ _ !!! A member who had almost 10 years clean came back recently, and is slamming everyone (indirectly, or course).

I'd like to hear other's take on this if they've seen this behavior before, but I personally feel as though they're lashing out because it's easier than beating themselves up. I mean, what good does it do to pick on all the things that others do? Is it jealousy because others stayed clean and they didn't?

Somebody help me understand....

sticker · 03-02-2008, 10:45 PM

well, they got to blame someone..couldnt have been their fault with all that clean time...and misery loves company..it suxs being miserible alone.

**best** · 03-02-2008, 10:57 PM

Because that is what we do when we don't have our ducks in a row.
It is never my fault so it must be your fault.
Seems that a spot was left when working through the steps maybe?
That spot wasn't cleaned up so it shines bright with a relapse.
A humble heart and spirit would maybe of had that person not relapse and a humble heart and spirit would have that person come back with his hat in his hands.
His relapse may be just that...teaching him where to find the humble heart and spirit.

Gmoney · 03-03-2008, 01:12 AM

Thanks Sticker & Best. I just got through talking with my sponsor and he basically said the same things you guys said. Misdirected anger, lack of humility and an over-blown sense of self. I mean...it must suck eggs to come back and get humble...especially after you've been on a self-built pedestal for so many years. Oh well...dust off the blame-thrower!!!

It's so frightening because I'm coming up on ten years soon and I know of at least 3 members in my area that had 9+ years and have recently relapsed. I often ask myself, "Is there something I missed?" or "Is there something else I need to do so I'm not next?"

Paulie · 03-03-2008, 08:40 AM

Garry dont even go there in your head, just stay in today.

I got really screwy when I was coming up on 5 years, at least 1/2 a dozen people were saying 'OMG I relapsed at 5 years and it is so hard to get past 5 years' I was nuts. But we cannot allow ourselves to be influenced by the negative of others, meaning either their relapses or their words. We need to take in the good and the recovery of others.

Pray for those that have relapsed, pray for the ones that come back into the rooms. Thank them for coming back and sharing, even if they are not taking responsibility in their shares yet, thank them anyway. Then coming back is not just a gift to them, but it truly is a gift to everyone. When someone comes back miserable like you described, I tell myself that is how it might be for me if I were to make it back alive, miserable like I used to be. Thank them and pray for them.

And 10 years, just stay in today my friend and it will all be fine

Paulie · 03-03-2008, 08:51 AM

One more thing -

It says in our literature 'we were incapable of taking personal responsibilty' that is how it is for some of those when they come back into the rooms.

**best** · 03-03-2008, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GarryW

It's so frightening because I'm coming up on ten years soon and I know of at least 3 members in my area that had 9+ years and have recently relapsed.

So you have seen 3 signs in the road that tell you what could be ahead. Doesn't mean that it will be though.

Driving down the road... a sign says falling rocks. The next sign says slippery when wet. The next sign says radar controled speed trap.
Thing is... no matter the weather, those signs are there every day. Every day we read them as we travel down the road or every day we can ignore them.
One day at a time is still one day at a time... week one or year 10.

Paulie · 03-03-2008, 09:32 AM

Best

***Doug*** · 03-03-2008, 10:01 AM

I haven't experienced that yet, but I like this thread.

Gmoney · 03-03-2008, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by best

So you have seen 3 signs in the road that tell you what could be ahead. Doesn't mean that it will be though.

Driving down the road... a sign says falling rocks. The next sign says slippery when wet. The next sign says radar controled speed trap.
Thing is... no matter the weather, those signs are there every day. Every day we read them as we travel down the road or every day we can ignore them.
One day at a time is still one day at a time... week one or year 10.

Excellent point, Best!!

I know I'm probably coming off like a worry-wart, but I'm usually the kind of guy that doesn't look too far down the road or overwhelm myself about tomorrow. It's just that last night some thoughts were weighing heavy on my mind and I know I shouldn't let the "what if's" consume me. My mom suffers from what I call, "The Chicken Little Syndrome," and I try to bring her back to reality all the time. I'm grateful for you guys because you brought me back and today it's not such a big deal.

Paulie & Best hit the nail on the head, and I have to remind myself that all I have is today. Fear is a lack of faith, and as long as I continue to do the right things for the right reasons...all will be well.

Thanks you guys.

REZ · 03-03-2008, 10:24 AM

Garry: No one relapse by accident, especially not someone with 10 years. The people who stay around are the ones who have learned from other people's experience and have decided that they don't want to be one of those people who relapses after 10 years. I know I sure don't!

When people who have relapsed after a lot of time in the program come back into meetings again and share their story, I think--"there but the grace of God go I." I try to listen and learn. I try to give them a break when their egos start showing.

Paulie · 03-03-2008, 10:38 AM

Quote:

My mom suffers from what I call, "The Chicken Little Syndrome",

You must be my long lost brother

Gmoney · 03-03-2008, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paulie

You must be my long lost brother

Hey...that's a possibility!! My older brothers used to tease me when I was little and say they found me in the park!! LOL!!!

And Rez...I know I should be more tolerant, but this person isn't telling their story...they're ranting and preaching! You're also right that I should be grateful. I'm not going to use - not TODAY.

Paulie · 03-03-2008, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Hey...that's a possibility!! My older brothers used to tease me when I was little and say they found me in the park!! LOL!!!

I was told I was found under the porch out our first house....could that be a common theme with addicts

Stay in today and do the next right thing, that is all any of us can do.

Lily · 03-03-2008, 04:03 PM

I came back to meetings bawling....I am still bawling....only cuz everything is going wrong right now w/ my friends and family, a cancer diagnosis, a suicide, a daughter of a friends 3 yr old going thru chemo, a dead kitty cat, and a drug dream last night (but i didn't use in the dream!!) but I am not using, just crying......

oh and I got a new cat at the humane society and the cat was a freak. she hid all weekend and when i took her back and wanted a kitten the lady said I needed a "cooling off period." whatever, thanks for listening to all of my issues....

Sheila

REZ · 03-05-2008, 10:30 AM

I have a resentment against people who claim to have more clean time then they really do, after going back out. They say things like "I've been coming around these rooms since 1998..." without mentioned that they've only got 6 months clean in a row now. It's all just an ego thing, I know, but it can be very irritating.

Paulie · 03-05-2008, 12:14 PM

Rez, I know exactly what you mean.

Sheila - I am sorry for what you are going through. Be grateful that you are there and present to of support to these people in your life. It is challenging times like right now that your disease would love to come out and pounce on you. Make a gratitude list, that always helps.

And for the kitty

Gmoney · 03-05-2008, 12:17 PM

I hate that too, Rez...it's like they're trying to claim credit for something they didn't do - it's dishonest and misleading for the newcomer. I aslo dislike when addicts claim clean time they don't have. There's a member who came in with me back in 98', but he used in 2000. I keep hearing him tell people that he's got "almost" 10 years. And what's really crazy is, I know a female that recently celebrated 2 years who says he used with her during her last run!! WTF???

Paulie · 03-05-2008, 12:25 PM

Just cause we walk in the rooms, does not mean we become honest people.

That is sad

Gmoney · 03-05-2008, 01:30 PM

Sad..but true.

anvilhead · 03-05-2008, 02:36 PM

garry - teri gorski has written many books on the subject of addiction and recovery....i'm thinking that somewhere in his writings i recall reading about the different phases or stages of recovery and how critical it is to address the unique needs of each stage......even after many years of continuous sobriety. 5, 10 and 20 year marks are often times we see or hear of some one relapsing - i think as long as you stay aware and stay on top of your OWN growth and development, it will simply be 10 years and counting! i lfted this from a Gorski power point presentation talking about the areas of concern for those in Late Recovery...you may find it useful or not!

Return Of Self-Defeating Personality Traits
1. Over-Confidence And Complacency
2. Stop Personal Growth
3. Focus On Others Instead Of Self
4. Life Crisis Or Transition
5. Inability To Cope Or Ask For Help
6. Activation Of Self-Defeating Personality Traits

Paulie · 03-05-2008, 02:48 PM

Quote:

think as long as you stay aware and stay on top of your OWN growth and development, it will simply be 10 years and counting! i

Lily · 03-05-2008, 03:01 PM

I think that is just plain weird about using w/ ppl in there and then taking a chip. Like they don't think they are going to get caught or ppl are going to remember? Plus, it is their program, so they are lying and cheating themselves. how lame. They probably just want to be recovery guros or something.

I have really been struggling. One thing I do know is that getting high is not going to make me feel any better, only much worse. I just have so many sad things going on in my life right now. My SIL in Canada who is the sweetest lady in the world is full of cancer. My heart is breaking for them. I am soooo sad. I have been there, I have had a sick husband before with cancer who died & it just sucks the life out of you. When I spoke to her by telephone today all I could do is cry and here I was supposed to be comforting her. Ever since I went through my cancer ordeal w/ my late husband I tend to get sooo depressed for ppl when they tell me about their cancer. I get so personally involved researching treatment plans, prognosis. My best friends 3 yr old underwent her bone marrow transplant just today in minneapolis. It is such a rollarcoaster.

I do not know how to separete myself from their pain.

I hate cancer.

However today I am 46 days clean! YAY!

will there ever be a day I can go the whole day w/out crying?

03-02-2008, 10:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
Gmoney Recovering Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Around the way Posts: 1,589	Why Is It??? Why is it that almost everytime an addict with extensive clean time relapses, they come back into the rooms ranting, raving & criticizing everyone and everything? I seen it more times than I want to admit, and I really don't want to scare anyone away from NA meetings, but it's not pretty. As a matter of fact, it just burns my a_ _ !!! A member who had almost 10 years clean came back recently, and is slamming everyone (indirectly, or course). I'd like to hear other's take on this if they've seen this behavior before, but I personally feel as though they're lashing out because it's easier than beating themselves up. I mean, what good does it do to pick on all the things that others do? Is it jealousy because others stayed clean and they didn't? Somebody help me understand.... __________________ "One Promise, Many Rewards."

03-02-2008, 10:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
sticker Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Saint Peter MN Posts: 128	well, they got to blame someone..couldnt have been their fault with all that clean time...and misery loves company..it suxs being miserible alone. __________________ Clean means never having to say Im sober

03-02-2008, 10:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,190	Because that is what we do when we don't have our ducks in a row. It is never my fault so it must be your fault. Seems that a spot was left when working through the steps maybe? That spot wasn't cleaned up so it shines bright with a relapse. A humble heart and spirit would maybe of had that person not relapse and a humble heart and spirit would have that person come back with his hat in his hands. His relapse may be just that...teaching him where to find the humble heart and spirit. __________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

03-03-2008, 01:12 AM	#4 (permalink)
Gmoney Recovering Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Around the way Posts: 1,589	Thanks Sticker & Best. I just got through talking with my sponsor and he basically said the same things you guys said. Misdirected anger, lack of humility and an over-blown sense of self. I mean...it must suck eggs to come back and get humble...especially after you've been on a self-built pedestal for so many years. Oh well...dust off the blame-thrower!!! It's so frightening because I'm coming up on ten years soon and I know of at least 3 members in my area that had 9+ years and have recently relapsed. I often ask myself, "Is there something I missed?" or "Is there something else I need to do so I'm not next?" __________________ "One Promise, Many Rewards."

03-03-2008, 08:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,522	Garry dont even go there in your head, just stay in today. I got really screwy when I was coming up on 5 years, at least 1/2 a dozen people were saying 'OMG I relapsed at 5 years and it is so hard to get past 5 years' I was nuts. But we cannot allow ourselves to be influenced by the negative of others, meaning either their relapses or their words. We need to take in the good and the recovery of others. Pray for those that have relapsed, pray for the ones that come back into the rooms. Thank them for coming back and sharing, even if they are not taking responsibility in their shares yet, thank them anyway. Then coming back is not just a gift to them, but it truly is a gift to everyone. When someone comes back miserable like you described, I tell myself that is how it might be for me if I were to make it back alive, miserable like I used to be. Thank them and pray for them. And 10 years, just stay in today my friend and it will all be fine __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-03-2008, 08:51 AM	#6 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,522	One more thing - It says in our literature 'we were incapable of taking personal responsibilty' that is how it is for some of those when they come back into the rooms. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-03-2008, 09:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,522	Best __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-03-2008, 10:01 AM	#9 (permalink)
*Doug* Administrator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: SR. (OFTEN imitated, never duplicated) Posts: 1,355	I haven't experienced that yet, but I like this thread. __________________ After all is said and done, a hell lot of a lot more is said than done.

03-03-2008, 10:24 AM	#11 (permalink)
REZ Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Chapel Hill, NC Posts: 980	Garry: No one relapse by accident, especially not someone with 10 years. The people who stay around are the ones who have learned from other people's experience and have decided that they don't want to be one of those people who relapses after 10 years. I know I sure don't! When people who have relapsed after a lot of time in the program come back into meetings again and share their story, I think--"there but the grace of God go I." I try to listen and learn. I try to give them a break when their egos start showing.

03-03-2008, 04:03 PM	#15 (permalink)
Lily Ephesians 2:8 and 9 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: USA Posts: 1,279 Blog Entries: 3	I came back to meetings bawling....I am still bawling....only cuz everything is going wrong right now w/ my friends and family, a cancer diagnosis, a suicide, a daughter of a friends 3 yr old going thru chemo, a dead kitty cat, and a drug dream last night (but i didn't use in the dream!!) but I am not using, just crying...... oh and I got a new cat at the humane society and the cat was a freak. she hid all weekend and when i took her back and wanted a kitten the lady said I needed a "cooling off period." whatever, thanks for listening to all of my issues.... Sheila

03-05-2008, 10:30 AM	#16 (permalink)
REZ Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Chapel Hill, NC Posts: 980	I have a resentment against people who claim to have more clean time then they really do, after going back out. They say things like "I've been coming around these rooms since 1998..." without mentioned that they've only got 6 months clean in a row now. It's all just an ego thing, I know, but it can be very irritating.

03-05-2008, 12:14 PM	#17 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,522	Rez, I know exactly what you mean. Sheila - I am sorry for what you are going through. Be grateful that you are there and present to of support to these people in your life. It is challenging times like right now that your disease would love to come out and pounce on you. Make a gratitude list, that always helps. And for the kitty __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-05-2008, 12:17 PM	#18 (permalink)
Gmoney Recovering Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Around the way Posts: 1,589	I hate that too, Rez...it's like they're trying to claim credit for something they didn't do - it's dishonest and misleading for the newcomer. I aslo dislike when addicts claim clean time they don't have. There's a member who came in with me back in 98', but he used in 2000. I keep hearing him tell people that he's got "almost" 10 years. And what's really crazy is, I know a female that recently celebrated 2 years who says he used with her during her last run!! WTF??? __________________ "One Promise, Many Rewards."

03-05-2008, 12:25 PM	#19 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,522	Just cause we walk in the rooms, does not mean we become honest people. That is sad __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

03-05-2008, 01:30 PM	#20 (permalink)
Gmoney Recovering Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Around the way Posts: 1,589	Sad..but true. __________________ "One Promise, Many Rewards."

03-05-2008, 02:36 PM	#21 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 7,087	garry - teri gorski has written many books on the subject of addiction and recovery....i'm thinking that somewhere in his writings i recall reading about the different phases or stages of recovery and how critical it is to address the unique needs of each stage......even after many years of continuous sobriety. 5, 10 and 20 year marks are often times we see or hear of some one relapsing - i think as long as you stay aware and stay on top of your OWN growth and development, it will simply be 10 years and counting! i lfted this from a Gorski power point presentation talking about the areas of concern for those in Late Recovery...you may find it useful or not! Return Of Self-Defeating Personality Traits 1. Over-Confidence And Complacency 2. Stop Personal Growth 3. Focus On Others Instead Of Self 4. Life Crisis Or Transition 5. Inability To Cope Or Ask For Help 6. Activation Of Self-Defeating Personality Traits

03-05-2008, 03:01 PM	#23 (permalink)
Lily Ephesians 2:8 and 9 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: USA Posts: 1,279 Blog Entries: 3	I think that is just plain weird about using w/ ppl in there and then taking a chip. Like they don't think they are going to get caught or ppl are going to remember? Plus, it is their program, so they are lying and cheating themselves. how lame. They probably just want to be recovery guros or something. I have really been struggling. One thing I do know is that getting high is not going to make me feel any better, only much worse. I just have so many sad things going on in my life right now. My SIL in Canada who is the sweetest lady in the world is full of cancer. My heart is breaking for them. I am soooo sad. I have been there, I have had a sick husband before with cancer who died & it just sucks the life out of you. When I spoke to her by telephone today all I could do is cry and here I was supposed to be comforting her. Ever since I went through my cancer ordeal w/ my late husband I tend to get sooo depressed for ppl when they tell me about their cancer. I get so personally involved researching treatment plans, prognosis. My best friends 3 yr old underwent her bone marrow transplant just today in minneapolis. It is such a rollarcoaster. I do not know how to separete myself from their pain. I hate cancer. However today I am 46 days clean! YAY! will there ever be a day I can go the whole day w/out crying?