Embarressing confession

[Lily]

Tonight I took home some boys I take to church and was invited in to talk w/ their mom. Of course I had to go to the bathroom (I really did) and when I went in there I noticed that the medicine chest was ajar. So my lame addict behavior peeked in. I knew I shouldn't have and I knew I wasn't going to use, I just wanted to see what was in there. Of course there was a bottle of guafenisen w/ codine (liquid) in there.

Okay, so why am I so lame? why is it any of my business what ppl have in their medicine cabinets? (of course I know it is NOT)

Today I happily have 38 days clean and sober and I just had a really wonderful day. I was so pumped today cuz I really want to be pleasing to God, then on the way home I was disappointed in myself.

At least I didn't swig any though.

Sheila

[serenityqueen]

My Dear Ms. Sheila

Old habits die hard! But be very, very careful. You know this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. Take it from me, the FORMER Queen of relapse, for starters, Stop Kicking Yourself in the Butt! That right there can cause you to pick up faster than you can ever imagine. For quite awhile after I got Clean & Sober, I have to admit, I peeped into medicine cabinets too. For me, I think it was my disease trying to call me back. It has many voices, says many things to pull me back into it's grasp. Your disease could have been sayings,'Great job, you did good today, now just a few swigs would be cool, celebrate.' or, 'Shame on you for looking in here, you know you want me . . . well, go ahead. . . a few swigs won't hurt.' Now, this may sound silly to you, but I made sure that I didn't put myself into the situation where I had to go into someone's bathroom. Do what I did with my son when he was a little guy, pee before you leave (if you're at a safe place) You said you were taking them home from Church, right? I think the bathroom at a Church is a pretty safe place! And if you have to excuse yourself and leave to protect yourself, then you do what you have to do. I would rather say a friendly goodnight to someone than to risk my Sobriety! In my Recovery, I practice the same thing I do before crossing a busy street, I have to look both ways. I use caution in my life.

Now, congratulate yourself for not using and most of all, thank your HP for giving you the strength to tell your disease no and shutting the door.

You done good.

God Bless

[Paulie]

You are not lame, you are an addict. If you have to use someones bathroom, pray before you go in and ask God to help you NOT look. But do not fool yourself and say

I knew I wasn't going to use, I just wanted to see what was in there.

Cause you did not know that, until after the fact when you didnt use. As Serenityqueen said, this disease we have is cunning, baffeling and powerful.

Now today you learn from the situation and you move on.

38 days, I an so proud of you......you go girl!!!

One more thing, your willingness to be honest is a huge gift not just to you for your own recovery, but for me and everyone else you share with!! Thank you for that!!!!

[Lily]

I guess you guys are right about my not knowing whether or not I was going to use. I could have very easily. I know I wanted to, but at the same time I didn't want to throw away everything.....my mind was racing....I was thinking addict stuff like noone would ever need to know....etc.... this disease really is insane.

There are so many houses I need to avoid right now.....man, if i could go back in time I would have never popped those first 2 vicodin's on that airplane in 1999. What an idiot. All I knew is I needed something to make me feel better, my husband had brain cancer and we were treking to Portland Oregon once a month from San Diego for his brain chemotherapy. While I had a smile on my face I was crushed inside....I was devastated. I wanted relief and for a little while it came in a pill, and then it all came crashing down.....and here I am 9 years later still struggling with that evil drug. Bob died in early 2001, and his pain ended, but mine continued............

Well, now that I just poured out all that negativity, I guess I will get up and get my husband and 4 yr old son some breakfast! They are playing checkers in bed calling out for me. He works 2nd shift so he is home in the mornings....sleeps late and loves our little boy.... I have so much to be thankful for today! 39 days clean and a family who loves me!

<3 Sheila

[Paulie]

I was thinking addict stuff like noone would ever need to know

I said that to my sponsor once and she said -

You will know and God will know!

That hit me like a brick!

[REZ]

Part of being an addict is the mental obsession with drugs. It shows up in many ways, some subtle, some not so subtle. For me, I need to avoid situations that I know will trigger my mind to start thinking about using, such as looking in a medicine cabinet. I'm glad you're clean. I think you learned an important lesson.

[tanyapmc]

I had to stay away from other people houses when I first got clean and sober. I still do not go in other peoples bathrooms if I have the choice. I looked in medicine cabinets for YEARS. I know it is not going to go away quickly. It may never go away. I am glad you did not use. Be careful.

[Gmoney]

Lesson learned?

(Sheila nods yes)

Good. Now, don't play with your disease again!

Congrats on your 38 days!! Keep up the good work.

[serenityqueen]

(((Sheila)))

How are you doing tonight? You have been on my mind today.

I forgot to tell you how wonderful I thought it was that you came on here, pretty early in your Recovery, and told on yourself and your disease. That's a huge step.

Judy

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by Paulie

I said that to my sponsor once and she said -

You will know and God will know!

That hit me like a brick!

Oh yeah, Paulie. Oh y e a h.

Well done, Sheila, for just processing this incident. It's a good reminder that even when we feel strong in our recovery, that addict is still there taunting and tempting us.

I'm glad you're ok - more than OK, you are working it, girl!

[REZ]

One of my close calls with about 15 years in recovery involved one of those mini-bars in a hotel room. You didn't need in this hotel to get at the mini-bar. I was there by myself. I looked in at all the booze and got to thinking about it.Just one little bottle of liquor won't hurt anything. I got scared. I prayed, and went to bed. But I was pretty close to drinking. I learned a lesson: now when I got to hotels I ask if they have a mini-bar. If they do and it is locked, I make sure that I don't have the key. If it is not locked, I ask them to clean it out.