Using thoughts

[Lily]

Okay.....so I have 32 days and I think I have gotten past the "wonderful exciting clean feelings...." and now I am getting kind of moody and angry. Today I got really angry at my husband (over money which I of course helped spend and I owe him an apology when he gets home) but it was weird, it was almost like I was using. I even told him I wasn't using.

These past 2 days I have had using thought smore and more....immediatley I recognized it for what it was, a thought, and knew I needed to dismiss it and not act on it, but I really am feeling kind of down. I even made an appt to see a counselor and they can not get me in till Feb. 29th. I really hate to go into all of using business though, I am very particular about who I tell.

Why am I so angry, fidgity and unhappy when I have so much to be grateful for? Perhaps it didn't help that yesterday was the 7 year anniversary of my first husbands death, but how long can I use that as an excuse?

anyway....thanks for listen (reading this)

Sheila

[Gmoney]

"This too shall pass."

Welcome to recovery!! (lol!!) Excuse me for making light of what happened, but you need to know that you're not alone. I applaud you for your awareness and recognizing that our thoughts are just that...thoughts - and we do not have to act on them. If we give ourselves a chance, we can feel whatever we feel and learn that our feelings don't have to dictate our behavior. Thoughts of using will come and go...regardless of how long we stay clean, but trust me...it does get better and much less frequent.

You did some real "big girl" stuff by telling on your disease. Never be afraid to let someone know you're thinking about using. When we share it, we reduce the power it has over us. Keeping it to yourself feeds it.

Thanks for sharing and remember...it does get better.

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by GarryW

You did some real "big girl" stuff by telling on your disease. Never be afraid to let someone know you're thinking about using. When we share it, we reduce the power it has over us. Keeping it to yourself feeds it.

Garry is so right, Sheila. It's always, always, always the right thing to do to tell on our disease. The way I explain it is that I have an addict voice in my head. When that addict voice kicks in and starts talking, well... all sorts of bad things can happen. My addict tells me I don't have to be responsible to other people, that I'm fine, that I have a right to be upset... and on and on and on... until, quickly or slowly, it leads me back to using. Basically it tells me the opposite of what I know to be true in recovery.

The best way I know of to short circuit that addict whispering in my ear is to tell someone what's going on inside of my head. I can call my sponsor or another person in recovery, go to a meeting, post here on SR, pray or write in my journal. When I do the right thing (as you did here), it just stops that cycle right in its tracks. Kinda cool, huh?

Keep on keepin' on, Sheila. You are doing great. Really.

[REZ]

Feelings are a normal part of being human. When I was using drugs, I numbed out my feelings. I didn't feel much and what I did feel was all distorted by drugs. When I got clean, the cloud lifted, and my feelings started coming back, but it was almost too much to handle. Though I loved feeling the intense good feelings (joy, gratitude, etc.) I had a hard time handling the intense bad ones (anger, resentment, jealousy, fear, etc.). It was like a roller coaster ride. I would go from on top of the world to suicidal in the same day. Gradually, things got better, smoother, easier to deal with as I stayed clean and learning how to recognize and deal with my emotions. Hang in there!

[Paulie]

I cannot add anymore to what was already said Sheila. I just wanted to tell you that I am proud of you for recognizing your feelings.

The pink cloud....it comes and goes, that is what is called life on lifes terms. You used the tools that you have been learning.

You go girl!!!!!!