To emotionally attached for objectivity

[Not highTEK]

I'm sending this out to let people know that today I'm ok. Sadly yesterday I had to fire my sponsor. I've been working with him since the beginning of my recovery. For a long time now I've dealing with the problem of guilt in my recovery. I had such a sense of it everytime that I missed a meeting it was actually causing me a load of anxiety. I lived in fear of being judged by my sponsor for every time I didn't make it to as many as he did. I began to form deep resentments towards him that I carried for a long time,months even.
normally I would have no problem using my tools and speaking up.however this is the warning I'm trying to convey my sponsor was a good friend of mine that got clean before I did. I had way to much emotional attachment to him and was far to afraid of hurting that friendship. It caused me alot of pain and really put my recovery at a set back pace for a long time.So much so that it has caused me to fear sponsoring others. I'll work this issue of course with my next sponsor. I would welcome any feedback on this please.

[Sugah]

You don't say if your sponsor is indicating that you should feel guilty, or if the guilt comes from some other, learned response in you. I, too, dealt with a lot of guilt, and most of it was due to the discrepancy between the way I wanted people to see me and the way I thought they saw me. I was a people pleaser, and if I fell short of that, guilt was the result. A thorough fourth step, following it quickly with a fifth, sixth & seventh, will help a lot in that - in my experience.

If it's a reaction to your sponsor's scoldings, well, different people have different ideas about the responsibility of sponsorship, and I don't think "mothering" or "fathering" is one of them, though I've seen it a lot.

Ultimately, it's you who's going to have to look at your own motives, hopefully with the help of a new sponsor, and decide where that guilt is coming from. I can project it outward on someone else, say, "So&so is making me feel guilty," when really, it's something in me that's causing it, and so&so is just convenient for me to dump it on. Personally, I couldn't have made that assessment before doing a thorough 4th step because I really didn't know how to check my motives before then. If you've done a 4-7 and still have difficulty, perhaps revisiting those steps with a new sponsor is in order.

It's good that you can see the problem, and it's good that you're taking steps toward a solution. Keep moving forward.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[REZ]

Hope you are able to find a sponsor you can work with.