Accepting Being An Addict

[Gmoney]

I went to a meeting last night and a newcomer posed a question to the group: "How do you accept being an addict?" A lot of old-timers joined in by sharing their experience on the topic. It was a very good meeting and it reminded me of many of the posts I've read here by members struggling with staying clean and progressing in their recovery.

For me, getting to the point where I was truly and honestly willing to accept I was an addict wasn't easy. In the beginning, I didn't want to hear anything about going to meetings, 12 steps or having a disease. The image of what an addict was didn't fit my description. I thought an addict was a bum, a junkie, or someone that was weak. I thought that you could only become an addict if you used specific drugs, and since I didn't use those...it was okay to keep getting high on the "harmless" stuff.

And even when my drug use became an obvious problem, I still refused to accept that I was an addict because I still didn't fit the preconceived notion of what I believed an addict was. I focused on the things I didn't do instead of the things I did. I kept telling myself that I could handle it and make things right...on my own. I don't have no F___ing disease!!! To admit to being an addict was to admit I was a failure...I was weak...a loser...a bum. I'd have to accept that I was just like all the people I criticized for being addicts over the years. How could I be like them?

In the end, I knew I was addicted but I still struggled with accepting I was an addict. Instead of looking at myself as the problem, I blamed the drugs, my friends, my mother, my job, my co-workers and anyone else I could think of, for why I was in the mess I was in. I tried so hard to get it together, and there were countless times I could stop using for brief periods - but countless times I would relapse and it always got worse. In the end, the evidence was overwhelming. I was defeated and desperate. It was then that I, not only admit I was an addict, but I accepted it as well.

[REZ]

It's like accepting anything else. First, you have to admit that it is real, it exists. I can't accept anything in life when I am in denial about it. So, before I could accept that I was an addict, I had to first get honest and admit that I was an addict. Acceptance did not come easy for me either, because I wanted to not be an addict. I wanted to be able to use drugs/alcohol in moderation. It just took quite some time of being clean to be able to accept my condition. I was only to accept it by going to meetings, working the steps, learning more about me.

[Gmoney]

Well said, Rez...you know what else? Although it took some time clean (for me too) to fully accept what & who I am - my disease periodically checks in to see if I'm ready to check out. I'm talking about those old thoughts of what it would be like to smoke a joint or to drink a beer or even to go out and hang at a club.

...then recovery kicks in (thank God).

[SaTiT]

I never had a problem being an addict. I didn't have to think
twice about it. It was a slick, hip, and cool thing for me as a
teen. I had logos , t-shirts an drawing a MJ leaf everywhere.lol
I didn't have that type of denial.

Anyhow coming back from the dead...now that's a bit of a
struggle. I guess, I couldn't handle life on life's term
on who's term ?, who's reality, ? who's god ?
I wish I was from anither planet .lol
So..i guess that's what an escape is. I was escaping all de time.
What was i escaping from ??? PAIN...

Life is painful to me. For years every breath i took felt like knives
cutting me. I know how to numb myself out without drugs or
using.

My recovery has always been base on that...
I feel what i feel and it's okay to feel whatever it is I feel.
Even if it's pain...I have to stay clean and sober no matter what.
Why ??? ....None of my escaping precedures worked.lol
I other words...my coping skills sucked at that time.

i gets thoughts of getting high..lol So....
i get thoughts of being a Billionair...toooooo, So....

[Gmoney]

I guess the difference between thinking about getting high and thinking about being a billionaire is that getting high is something I CAN do and HAVE DONE.

I don't know, SaTiT...when I was much younger I embraced the anti-establishment, hippie, rebelious, hip, slick and cool state of mind like many of my peers. Almost everyone I knew got high in some way or another, but we didn't view ourselves as drug addicts - I know I didn't. We thought we were having fun.

I didn't have a problem with getting high, either....that is...until getting high was the problem. And after I stopped getting high I found out I was the problem. Like the Basic Text says, many of us didn't think we had a problem with drugs...until the drugs ran out.

[SaTiT]

This is how it is for me.

What i think or feel dosn't really equal facts. it's just what i think
or feel. i don't have to react to it or act on impluse.

kind of like meditating...i'll have millions of thoughts or emotions..
the FACT is ..I'm just sitting here being still.

I guess I can reminus about Scarlet Johanson.lol It dosn't
make it fact ....she dosn't even know i exisist.lol

I mean..I thought my Agf loved me all those years...dosn't
make it fact :rof

yes i understand thoughts generates emotions...
I guess stop thinking about getting high so you don't get
narley carvings.

So when i get thoughts every so often about getting high
I don't trip...i have millions of other thoughts during my
waking moment or not so waking moments.

for me...i pretty much accepted drugs is bad for me.
perhapse that's a closer expression of how i veiw it.

you know..i don't want to put my hands on the burning
stove anymore...i finally got that.lol

or maybe god removed my mental obsession with drugs or using drugs

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by REZ

It's like accepting anything else. First, you have to admit that it is real, it exists. I can't accept anything in life when I am in denial about it. So, before I could accept that I was an addict, I had to first get honest and admit that I was an addict. Acceptance did not come easy for me either, because I wanted to not be an addict.

I fought SO hard it was unbelievable. I am one willful, stubborn, my-way-or-the-highway child. I really thought that if I just DIDN'T accept it, it would somehow go away, not happen, not be real. Addiction was and is the only thing in life that brought me to my knees.

I could talk about it all I wanted, but until I really accepted that I was an addict in the very fiber of my being, it didn't do a darn bit of good.

For me, it was not about hitting bottom (there were many of those and each got dramatically lower). It was about hitting surrender and that is where I found acceptance. And, finding acceptance was the moment in time that my recovery began. Instead of fighting against the disease, I now accepted that I had it and I could begin to look for and live the solution.

[Paulie]

For me, it was not about hitting bottom (there were many of those and each got dramatically lower). It was about hitting surrender and that is where I found acceptance. And, finding acceptance was the moment in time that my recovery began. Instead of fighting against the disease, I now accepted that I had it and I could begin to look for and live the solution.

Well said my friend

[tiburon88]

I never had a problem admitting that I was a addict. I had a sense that I drank/drugged differently than other people long before I ever attended my first meeting. I basically gave up on life and thinking that I would ever get better. I didn't really expect to live to see 30 but here I am. Addiction can sometimes be a long slow ride down. The thing that I need to remember is that yes I am a addict BUT I am a lot of other positive things as well.

[hairgirl]

I accept the fact that I am an addict, but I struggle with some feelings that go along with the program.All I know is I am staying sober, and I am happy for the first time in a long long time.My happiness goes with where I am in my life, getting married, learning forgiveness of self and others.I don't think that is something I could have done under the influence.That seems to be enough for me.

[Lily]

I remember having a conversation with a couple in my livingroom around 1987 telling them the reason we had the misunderstanding is because of the drugs. I had been using meth daily for at least a year and a half and refered to us as addicts and they did not take kindly to that.

I knew I was an addict and thinking back I knew I was an alcoholic before the meth. I never drank to catch a lite buzz like others, I had to be stumbling drunk and I couldn't even get out on the dance floor until I had down several drinks first.

I also remember saying to another friend that I used to use meth with that my desire is to live drug and alcohol free one day. I had never heard of NA or AA back then but I knew I was hooked.

I have not used meth since 1991, but in 1999 relapsed to a different drug. Been struggling ever since to STAY clean. I know I can do it! I would have to guess since I got clean in 1991 my non clean days have probably been about 6 months so I am doing a lot better. It is when I get clean and don't plug in to fellowship w/ other ppl I fall away cuz I rationalize in my brain I can just do a little.

I have 46 days clean now and am very grateful. Went to my first meeting last night since forever and it was wonderful to get my chip and meet some ppl. Even though I brought my 4 year old, ppl were very nice. (it was an open meeting)

I have a lot to learn, but I am grateful for today.

Sheila

[Gmoney]

Welcome home.

[REZ]

I think there is a difference between admitting you're an addict and accepting it. Acceptance goes much deeper, involves much more.

[windysan]

I ain't an addict no more. I used to be.

[Doug]

Originally Posted by REZ

I think there is a difference between admitting you're an addict and accepting it. Acceptance goes much deeper, involves much more.

I agree. I could say it outloud for a while before I felt it, or admitted it to myself. Sometimes the biggest step is the one from the head to the heart. That's how it was for me.

[Paulie]

Sometimes the biggest step is the one from the head to the heart.

SO very true. I remember the relief I had when I felt acceptance in my heart. And I see it with women I sponsor, as I am sure my sponsor saw it in me.

[ccgirl2]

You know? I have been able to SAY I'm an addict from the time I've admitted it. I had a close call recently and almost ruined 6 months clean time and that's when it hit me what being an addict really was. I was attending meetings faithfully and with enthusiasm and the demon pills were still able to call to me. What a wake up call.