Hitting bottom after the start of Recovery

[hairgirl]

Some say they hit bottom before ever walking through the doors of NA.In a way, I feel I am emotionally hitting a bottomed out feeling after almost 90 days in the program.
Friends I once had no longer appeal to me, whether they used or not, I question the love of my fiance, when I know it is pure.I guess the uncertainty in this world scares me.I constantly pick apart my life, and wonder if it is real.I have been infested with so many lies, so much hurt, that I am trying to make sense of it, of my sobriety.I pray to God to let my mind's suffering ease.I pray to just live and the answers will come.Can anyone relate??

[Sugah]

Yeah, I can relate, hairgirl. Mine came a little later -- around a year in, beyond the first go-round with the steps. I had the reputation at that point as perpetually on a pink cloud, and though I could still keep a good thought, still had a strong desire to be clean, something was missing. At that point, I began to wrestle with my spiritual connections, question the meaning of everything around me -- a lot like you describe. I wasn't in a relationship, though I made a half-hearted attempt at dating. It didn't work out.

I wish I could give you concrete suggestions for working through it. I can tell you how it happened for me. I started really examining my steps, trying to deepen my understanding of them. I also began praying more earnestly, giving up the idea that I had to clearly define my HP (that was an issue for me) and, in a way, I guess, I took the first step all over again. Oh, yes, I recommitted to recovery every day, but when I say I did it all over again -- the best way I can describe it is that I approached it on a deeper level. To relate all I came to understand, or think I understood, about it here would go on forever, and besides, it's only from my perspective. If you're in that place, you'll have to approach it yourself.

In short, it sounds like a spiritual crisis to me, and from what I know of myself and what I've seen of others in the room, you have two options -- face it and walk through it or go back out & use to avoid it. At 90 days, you've probably seen enough already to know that the first is a much better option.

Hang in there, hairgirl.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Paulie]

Yep I have been, and to be honest a few times over the past 12 years. IMO when I get to that point I am in a learning curve for lack of a better phrase. I am at a point where more is being revealed to me.

It sounds to me like that is where you are when you talk about old friends and things. Be open to it, understand that your HP is showing you something.

And as Sugah said so well, walk through it or use, that sounds harsh but once we get into recovery, those really are our options. I am sure you will choose to walk through it.

Thank you for sharing so honestly with us. I want you to know that I learn alot from your posts.

[REZ]

I have experienced various types of disillusionment since getting clean. It hurt to face the truth at times, but it was beneficial to me in the long run. Honesty is the tool I use to tear down all of the the lies I was living. I then need the help of other people and a higher power to rebuild a new life. Hang in there. Try to keep your eyes focused on the good things in life, in yourself, in other people. One danger of disillusionment is that it can go to far, and lead you to view life and people as bad, worthless, hypocritical, etc. That perspective is also a distortion. One thing I have learned in NA is to see and understand the bad, but to lose my focus on the good.

[hairgirl]

I was never even close to this point before, and ran away.I know that is not where I want to go anymore.I appreciate the honesty of your responses, that is one of many things I love about my sober peers.Too many on the outside would give me the answers I wanted to hear, not what I needed to hear.
I find this journey truly amazing, how much I see clearly that was forever shrouded in denial.I fear it yet I embrace it.I am learning about who I want to be for the first time in my life.Please continue in responding to this post, and thank you.

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by hairgirl

I am learning about who I want to be for the first time in my life.

You know, in looking around at my life today, very few of the people in it were here pre-recovery. And I don't just have friends in the rooms. I'm involved at school and in the community, but most of those folks came into my life once I started on the path. Why so many gone before? There are the no-brainers. I felt in no way obligated to continue using friendships. But what about the others who didn't use?

Some were just as sick as me, or made sick by me and didn't embrace recovery like I did. They wanted to continue to enable me and were frustrated when their attempts were rebuffed, however sensitively I tried to do it. There were other friends I related to or related to me while I was in this sick state of mind. As a changing person, as a person different than what they were used to, and through my sober eyes, we just didn't have as much in common as I thought. I didn't want to sit around and assassinate the characters of the folks we knew, and I didn't want to commiserate and wallow in our individual problems. I started talking solutions, and I could see it was uncomfortable for some.

I have to say that my experience is gained from a very small group, as I had estranged from most folks by the time I finally got clean. With those left or with those I tried to mend ties, in most cases, it just wasn't the same.

I do believe that like attracts like, and if I attracted unhealthy people in my past because I was unhealthy, I think it's natural that I should feel uncomfortable in those relationships. I don't know where you are in the steps, but perhaps you'll have a truer idea of where your heart is once you've gotten through the amends steps. I didn't make big changes until I felt the eleventh step really working in my life, and it's the first ten that prepares us for that.

Maybe give yourself some time, but -- just a caution -- don't stand still too long.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[SaTiT]

Just don't pick up no matter what.
people tell me stuff like..hangon2urass, this too shall pass, rule #62
play the tape til the end..what would the end be...
where did I ened up at the last time I use.

Sounds corny but they're bascailly recovery tools.
I mean that's the message I hear all the time in meetings.
So it's just a matter of me applying them.

it took me a while to follow instructions like go see a doctor
or a therapist, that alot of old timers sugfgest to me.
But it was like pulling teeth. it took me forever to pick
up that phone...and go through the process of actaully
making it end to see a doctor.

yeap alot of emotional baggags..but you know, i wasn't
to spill my guts to a bunch of loonie toons talking that
crazy GOD stuff. Even the therapist had to pried it out
of me .lol

I suffer form anixity, depression and alot of other issues.
My drug abuse mask it in a way, or i use drugs to self medicate
to cope. it dosen't exempt me from being an addict.
Honestly i like to get high..but somewhere along line
it got all screwie in my head. luckiely i just shocked
the hell out of my brain...Cuase it was kind of like a rude
awaken after i clean up and started thinking about
matter as such..using drugs kills my brain cells. But
as a typical addict..i was to damn smart and had plenty
of brain cells to spare.lol It drove my therapist crazy
cuz i was asking or became obsess about that...
anyway I when to the libuary to do a lot of reserch on
drugs, the brain, CNS and stuff like that.lol
I actaully read an entire text book on physic in a week.
For every action there's a re-action..something like that.lol
i wasn't obsess about using thou..so it was a start.

anyways...don't trip

[Phinneas]

You bet. Hairgirl. In early recovery, basically the whole world tips on it's side. That's why I was told not to make any major decision in my life for the first year. I didn't understand it then, but I sure do now. It takes that long just to regain some balance and to think and feel clearly.

My suggestion? Hang in there, stay clean no matter what and take it hour by hour, day by day. It will feel better. It will get better.

Glad you're here. Keep posting and reaching out, k?