Needing Enlightenment

[bransgirl]

Hi. Im not sure if I should be posting here but I wanted to get some insight from the other side. Im sorry if im intruding or being rude, really this is not my intention.

I found out about my husbands Meth addiction in January. He didnt tell me, I caught him. Since then he says hes been clean but is so awful about the process. He doesnt feel like he needs to be accountable for what he does and when things happen that seem suspicious he gives a lame excuse (like i found a lighter inside a drink container in the garbage and he said that he just found it and thats the way he throws away things by first stuffing them into containers...old habbits...). He says hell get a drug test but never goes. When I ask him to drug test he has a fit and its WWIII. He says its like a slap in the face that I dont believe him, that hes a man and should be able to do what he wants and that I should just be over it. He says im making things up and looking for reasons to create drama in our life. The sensible part of me says hes using and lying but im so torn. I want so badly to believe him and for this to be wrong. I need to hear truth, even if its mean, because all I hear is him saying that Im doing this to us...

[bransgirl]

Hi. Im not sure if I should be posting here but I wanted to get some insight from the other side. Im sorry if im intruding or being rude, really this is not my intention.

I found out about my husbands Meth addiction in January. He didnt tell me, I caught him. Since then he says hes been clean but is so awful about the process. He doesnt feel like he needs to be accountable for what he does and when things happen that seem suspicious he gives a lame excuse (like i found a lighter inside a drink container in the garbage and he said that he just found it and thats the way he throws away things by first stuffing them into containers...old habbits...). He says hell get a drug test but never goes. When I ask him to drug test he has a fit and its WWIII. He says its like a slap in the face that I dont believe him, that hes a man and should be able to do what he wants and that I should just be over it. He says im making things up and looking for reasons to create drama in our life. The sensible part of me says hes using and lying but im so torn. I want so badly to believe him and for this to be wrong. I need to hear truth, even if its mean, because all I hear is him saying that Im doing this to us...

[emmer]

Hard to say .........if my wife asked me to take a test , I would probably laugh and say "bring it on"

That being said ....not everyone reacts the same.

[exjunky]

Here's a quick lesson on psychology, especially male psychology.

All of us remember when we were kids and we had protection, but no freedom. And deep in our hearts there was this little voice telling us that this was not the normal state of affairs--and we were right. Every man has an unalienable right to freedom, but nobody has a "right" to protection.

So one day the boy leaves home, to become a man. He loses all of that protection, but gains freedom. It's always a painful transition but in the end you recognize how it's a necessary one.

What you are suggesting is an attack on his freedom. It reminds him of the time when he was just a little kid and his mommy would make him go to his room for being bad, or something like that.

I'm not saying that he is being honest with you, maybe he's not. Maybe he needs "mommy" to slap him upside the head right about now. But expect him to rebel against that idea every step of the way, that's not necessarily the behavior of an addict, that's just being human.

[ladyamalthea]

bransgirl,

I wasn't going to post on this one, since I've already responded on your other thread and I would hate for you to get tired of me, but...

you know deep down in your heart what is really going on. The test that he failed miserably proves it. I just hope that you can continue to be strong over the coming days and weeks... for everyone involved.

*hugs and prayers*

[ladyamalthea]

Oh, yeah, one more thing...


"All I hear is him saying I'm doing this to us"


It doesn't get more obvious then that. Trying to put the blame on someone else is a huge coverup mechanism, no matter what it is we're doing that we shouldn't do. It's a way to try to psyche the other person into thinking they had it all wrong. I know it's easier to believe this lie than to acknowledge the truth as your mind knows it.

Ask yourself the following question: "What evidence do I have of him using?" not just my instinct, but if I was to sit back and watch the situation from outsider's eyes, would I still think he was using? Does he have a different appearance when he comes home? I don't know what the signs are for Meth, but I know with Heroin the size of the pupils change, and their voice even slightly changes. They sound a bit like the turtles from Finding Nemo... their voices get really deep, really soft, and the speech gets really drawn out like that. Figure out if your husband ever has anything like this going on when he comes home... if he is truly using, there will be obvious signs of this type, if not the same ones.

Is anything missing from your home? Anything valuable?
Are your kids coming to you and asking questions about why daddy is acting so funny, what's up with his funny smell, etc?

Like I said before, my experience is with heroin, so some of these questions might need to be reworded a bit to fit Meth, I really don't know (though I'm sure others here might could help with that), but what I do know is that you can play the what-if game with us all day and all night, and even if you get 50 people who say that they don't think he's necessarily using, it doesn't change whether he is or is not. Only you are there with him... we can go by only what pieces of info you give to us.

Just know that you, your children, and your husband are on my mind. I truly hope that you find the strength and resolve to see and respond to the honest truth, whatever that may be, in the safest way possible for you and the kids.

*hugs*

[Doug]

That sounds alot like how I used to react when I approached about my lying. I probably would have acted different too if I hadn't been lying. Maybe he's just really high strung?

I haven't read any of your other posts, but I'd suggest you start working on you, and what you need to do for you to feel better. And sane.

[Ann]

The sensible part of me says hes using and lying but im so torn. I want so badly to believe him and for this to be wrong. I need to hear truth, even if its mean, because all I hear is him saying that Im doing this to us...

Trust your instinct, it rarely lies to you. Personally, I find home drug tests are demeaning to both the giver and the taker. Actions tell me more than any drug test ever could.

Just my thoughts.

Hugs

[catecicc]

Brans,

My BF's initial response when questioned is always to get defensive. That's when I know somethings up. From experience, people when they are in the wrong immediately hit the defensive. He does need to be accoutable for things. IMO, when you enter into a relationship with someone especially marriage, your thoughts and actions stop affecting only one person and now affect two.

Please take care of yourself. You know in your heart what you are feeling and 9 times out of 10 your gut instinct is right. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!

~C

[REZ]

Sorry this is happening to you. I wouldn't believe word he says. Addicts are notorious liars and manipulators. There are discussion boards on this site for spouses and family members of addicts or alcoholics.

[Doug]

Bransgirl, I merged your two threads together from the two different forums. While I understand your desire to find some sort of answer, we ask that folks don't "cross post", which is posting the same thing in multiple forums.