should i be suprised?

[drainedwife]

sorry ive been MIA lately....things were going good..too good i guess.

so what happened was he had moved back in, fool that I am. I wasnt sure about it at first, but then after a few days, things seemed normal, and i was starting to feel better. Then, last night i noticed he was disappearing in the bathrooms a little bit too much, so i went in there and on the counter was a tiny white speck..i tasted it and sure enough, it was cocaine.

I started hyperventilating and icrying and I told him what i had found...of course he denied it..even took a drug test (at-home for cocaine). it came up negative, but how would it show up so quickly in his urine anyway....

He went to the evaluation on tuesday...he liked the guy, said he was personable. the evaluator told him if he was addicted to coke for a year that he wouldnt be there..(at the evaluation) the drug would be no. one in his life, above his family and job. Maybe so, maybe he just isnt there yet. The evaluator sent a form for him to take to a lab for a drug test-(urine), and the report will be sent to me when it is completed.
He said he will abide by the evaluators recommendations. He wants to do Smart Recovery, and i told him i would like him also to get ind. counseling for his anger problem which he also agreed to.

Getting back to last night, because I wasnt "being nice to him" he left in the middle of thie night and went to the rental house. I stopped there on the way to work today. He said i should work on my "obsession" with what he is doing. He is probably right--- i know i should, i am consumed, but how can i not be ?? how can i trust him?? I know i should focus on myself and what i can change, but i dont want to live with him doing drugs in the house. Is there a chance of things working out if he does do what the evaluator says he should do?? also, he said that he wants me to be happy and that I can decide myself to be happy... how does one decide to be happy when there marriage is in shambles, and their husband uses drugs? I just cant get there.

My sanity is my kids--my one daughter is the sweetest thing in the world...i love her so....my other is at a tough age, and that is causing stress for me too..i love her also, but the stress combined with my ah, is killing me.

I have been going to meetings, and i am hoping to get to one tonight....
thanks for being there....

[drainedwife]

is the only way i am going to have a sane and possibly happy life to dispose of the problem and move on??

my problem, well one of them is that i hate confrontation and i cant deal with it.
I have a hard time telling him that it cant be fixed anymore. that i want a life free from drugs and worrying about whether or not they are in my house.

maybe i would feel better if i had a plan first..i dont know...im overwhelmed.

[cookconfay]

Drained. . .so sorry you are going through this. I have been there and done that. No way to sugar coat it. . .it just plain ole s*cks!! I will keep you in my prayers and am sending you a big hug!!!

[cinderellawkids]

Honey. Its normal to be overwhelmed. First of all I disagree with the evauator. My husband has been to many evaluations during his active history, and you know what everytime he convinced them he wasnt using, while not even paying them what he was supposed to for evaluation and leaving there to use. He'd use up until 3 days before returning for a follow up and then withdraw give a clean UA and leave there again to use.

Im not always nice but my husband will tell you he ignores it unless he wants to use, then thats the excuse. Only you know what you can live with and how much you can take. Trust your gut its usually correct. As far as his anger, he needs counceling for that but all the counseling in the world is out the window when he's active. For my family I notice the calmer I stay however, the less anger trigger points.

If nothing else, you need to stick to your boundaries. He should not be using at home, you have children, too many dangerous things can be a result.

[splendra]

I am totally convinced that someone who uses coke can convince just about anyone of anything including a professional doing an evaluation...

[anvilhead]

you're kinda right back where you started.........with the same problems.......AND the same solutions. until you really take a stand here, the only thing that's gonna change is that your life is going to get worse.

you let him back in. he is talking nothing but smack ok???? he goes to an "evaluation" on tuesday, gives them the yada yada BS, and he's doing coke in the bathroom on thursday. and then leaves to go to the "other" house in the middle of the night????

honey, you are being played. big time. but you have to see that. he's a damn drug addict in ACTIVE addiction. and he will ruin your life. and your childs life. he'll say whatever it takes to get you off his back.

you need to figure out what the heck ya want, and then go about making it happen.

[hello-kitty]

If the evaluation says your husband is not addicted to coke, does that make it ok for him to use it in your bathroom and around the children?

Also, you should know that those evaluations are only as trustworthy as the person taking it.

[Gmoney]

Sorry that you're going through this with your husband, but I really think this would be better addressed in the Friends & Family area. As a recovering addict who has been evaluated by so-called professionals numerous times, I can tell you that they can only go by what they are told. And from what you wrote, I can't see whether they confirmed your suspicions - I guess the jury is still out until you get the results sent to you. Even then... who knows?? I'm curious as to how you knew it was cocaine from a tiny speck? And on top of that, I surely didn't know they made at-home drug tests for coke!! My how times have changed!! Mind you...I'm not defending your husband, but I have a sponsee who goes through hell with his wife accusing him of every little thing because of the wreckage of his past. He's coming up on 3 years clean and she still keeps him under the microscope out of fear. He's even left home several times to avoid her paranoid behavior. Not saying you're the same, but the situation you described sounds familiar.

Anyway....no one can deny an addict their pain. And just like an addict is powerless over their addiction, others are powerless over the addict. An addict doesn't stop using until they want to stop...for themselves.

[liveweyerd]

Glad you have been going to meetings! I would recommend you see the free DV counselor a few times also.
It is wise to have a plan B!

[duet_4-8]

dw,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Been there, done that, have several tee shirts. My advice remains the same, stash some money, have a plan to get out. Get to some meetings, get to a DV counselor. Protect your kids. Stop trying to control him, it can't be done.

Praying for you.....

[pjbs55]

DW,
Sorry for your pain. Heard you posted here and wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You might want to copy and paste this own the friends & family sight.
Take care,
Praying for you and your family

[tracee1010]

[quote=drainedwife;1436295]


My sanity is my kids--my one daughter is the sweetest thing in the world...i love her so....my other is at a tough age, and that is causing stress for me too..i love her also, but the stress combined with my ah, is killing me.

Your daughter doing what she is suppose to be doing,,, growing up.. that is stressing you out?????? WOW!!!
perhaps you should focus on her as she is just a child and let your husband run his life off the road on his own accord. As he is NOT doing what he is suppose to be doing yet he is getting all your time and attention for his negative actions.

How long do you think it will take you daughter to figure out that thats the only way to get attention from you????

Sending you strength to help u re organize your priorities.