WTF is wrong with me?

[JEI2950]

I have come to a disturbing realization today , first let me try to explain what happened when I used , It seemed like everytime I used in the past , when I sobered up , I felt as though I lost something , I don't mean self-respect , dignity, pride ,ect (although I went through that and realize that this happens ,) I mean I lost the ability to spell words correctly on one occassion , then the next ,I lost focus , the next difficulty concentrating , and I am becoming lazy and right now I feel as though I losing my ability to feel emotionally , don't get me wrong I love all of my family , daughters ,sons , wife , ect but I don't feel it ,if you know what I mean , I hope someone can tell me if this feeling of emptiness will pass or have I destroyed the brain cells that process love and compassion . I am not bitter about anything , I don't want to use or drink , but I can shake this feeling of being emotionally deficient. Somebody tell me WTF is wrong with me ? please? JEI

[Luckyv2]

We didn't get here in one night so it is going to take a while for any of us to recover. It takes time and will all of those feelings and emotions come back? I guess it depends really on how much damage we have done. Sometimes we just need to be happy with where we are at the moment.

Someone once told me that it takes any where from 7 months to 7 years to get back to "normality" LOL I am almost 11 months and I am still working on it. Just try not to be so hard on yourself K

With Love and Respect

Vic

[JEI2950]

It's very encouraging to hear from someone who has either experienced this , or has imfo that can help , I appreciate your quick reply ,I don't want to feel like this and I am sure that " it too shall pass ". I did regain the ability to focus and I haven't misspelled any words ,(that I know of ) it does get better ,I just wanted a little insight on why this feeling existed and what I could do about it . your reply helped thanx, JEI

[Luckyv2]

The reason that those feeling exist is because we are clean and are no able to feel feelings when before we always covered them up with drugs (alcohol is a drug) IMHO. What can you do with them? Um deal with them clean, maybe making a God Box and writing your feelings down and then put them into the God Box. Talking about how you feel is the most important though. We need to be honest with what we are feeling in order to recover.

I am not one of those that think things get better either. I think or at least that this is My experience that things do get different. Just remember to be gentle with yourself

With Love and Respect

Vic

[REZ]

It a while for my head to clear from the drugs. It will, in time, I assure you. Just don't use.

[SaTiT]

Hi Jei2950

It was a wake up call for me. I couldn't even fill forms for assitance
for mental heath. Lack of focus...man, i couldn't even sit still.
I needed profession help. I needed a physical and mental check up.

It comes back, my spelling is still a bit rough, It has gotton better
over the years. I see it correctly in my mind ,but when I go back
and read again...it's mess up. I can read and comprehend pretty good,
but my brain dosen't retain the structure of words or grammer.
It's probably just my brain also. I'm probably a right brain person.
I'm good at math, art and can comprehend blue prints/ schematics easily.

I read and journal, this process in itself helps me
to retain focus. I've read more books in recovery more than I ever had.
I also have a musical instrument. I play it to practice on focusing
and memorizing. This is my love and joy and I've advanced in
music comprehension more than i could ever imagained.

To be able to love again cames back and more.

I'm actaully better off than I was in so many ways before I
used drugs and alcohol.

[Sugah]

I looked at your profile to see how long you've been clean. Little over two weeks? You're early yet...it takes time. I also see you have seven children. That, by itself, is enough to cause dain bramage to most anyone! (Just kidding....a bit. I have four.)

I nagged my sponsor for months, telling her my mind was the only thing of value that I've ever had, and damnit, I wanted it back!!

It took time. I see in another thread that you've enrolled in school. I waited two years before I took the leap. I'm very grateful to report that I've been on the dean's list all five semesters I've completed so far and expect to be again this semester. I couldn't have had success like that newly clean. I'm not trying to discourage you...just saying that perhaps you should be gentle with yourself and not expect perfection right out of the recovery gate.

Regardless, I'll say a prayer & keep a good thought for you!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[JEI2950]

Thanx , Sugah, Actually the reason that I have enrolled was because of my relapses , I had way too much idle time on my hands ,and found myself using and drinking , as a result of boredom , of course I had a long list of other reasons that I could offer but the reality is that I had not arrived at the point where I could honestly say enough is enough , and make an honest to myself effort to stay clean, I believe that (for me ) anything that keeps me from using or drinking is useful , so the enrollment was to keep me pushing toward something positive to do with my time , ( After 12 weeks will be certified and recieve 700.00 in incentives ,) My schedule will be as follows 6:00 wake up ALL THOSE children to get ready for school . 6:01 - 6: 45 refferee fights that will erupt between the siblings , 7:00 - 7:30 send them off and get in shower . 8:00 - 8:30 write on SR (time permitted ) and from 9:30 to 3:30 im in school after which I will haul a** to the bus stop to make my NA at 4:00 pm . then there's school work (both mine and the children's ) and spend a little time with the Wife . So I may very well be adding too much to my daily schedule but I need to occupy my free time with something constructive .Thanx for your reply and I love your quote at the end .

[Sugah]

Be sure to leave yourself a little time to spend with yourself, JEI...just not enough to get yourself into trouble.

I have an extremely busy schedule: 19 credits (7 of those honors credits), vice chair of a Greek honors society (and next year's chair), active in a women's group (chair of its largest event of the year), CPC/PI chair for a two county area (AA), sponsor three women, active in my homegroup...plus raise four teenagers, three of whom are in track & field (middle school, high school & college) and one who's in the jazz band. I speak at community events when called, which is fairly often.

Know what? As happy as I am about all this productivity, as grateful as I am about the ability to do it, I need to slow down once in awhile, make time for not only my own nurturing but also to evaluate, pray and meditate on all this activity. I have to stop on a regular basis and check myself to be sure that I'm not just moving for the sake of moving -- that all that motion is headed somewhere In other words, I have to consciously practice the 10th step throughout it all & practice the 11th step at least daily.

It's good that you have a meeting scheduled. Just please try to stay flexible enough that if you need to make more time for your recovery, it won't be an impossible task? We're experts at setting ourselves up for failure, and sometimes, we do it not by lack of trying but by trying too hard.

By the way...are you a single parent? How old is your brood? (Mine are 13, 16, 17 & 18, and I'm fortunate to have a very supportive (sober alcoholic) husband to help me survive them!)

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[JEI2950]

Because ,I am a man I had to write the ages all down , because I very easily forget , safe to say from 09 thru 16 , 3girls 4boys . and you are probably right it's not just enough to occupy every waking moment with some from of activity , so your reply will be taken into strong consideration mabey attempt to loosen up a bit too as well Thanx for your posts and forgive my late responce to your responce , I was playing Football with the Wife ( she's been a pillar of strength for me as your Husband has for you , Good Night / Morning , I am whipped and will crash right after this post. Love you all , Stay Strong !!! JEI

[Sugah]

Your children, seven of them, are ages 9 through 16? That's a child a year!!!

Well, we know how you were trying -- quite successfully, from the sounds of it!! -- to occupy your time before!

Peace & Love,
Sugah