Wondering whats right?

[ghull07]

I have been in a treatment center for four months and am moving to an apartment this week. All of my mental obsessions are gone except one. And with that i do not know what to do. i have exausted all options. HIgher power, the program, inspiration from counsolors, and i just want to hear other people's opinions except the ones i live with every day. this mental obsettion is killing me. it ruins every day. i feel like nothing bad ever came from Lsd except that it led me to bigger and better drugs and the physical addiction that put me in rehab. but i feel as if i could controll tripping if i tried and that it would be ok. but in the back of my mind i know that is wrong. any advice or conversation on this topic is greatly apreciated.

[REZ]

Sounds like it did cause you problems if it led you to do other drugs and to have problems with them. I would bet you that if you did LSD again after being in treatment you would have a bad trip, because the guilt would overwhelm you. They say a little recovery ruins your using, and this is true. I did a lot of drugs, including LSD. Personally, LSD was never something I could control. Though I only used it occassionally, LSD took total control of my mind. And I did start having bad trips. Think of how crazy this sounds: "I might have problem with other drugs, but I can do LSD every once in a while." Sounds pretty crazy to me. My advice to you when you move to the apartment is to make NA meetings--at least 90 in 90 days--get a sponsor, work the steps, hang out with people who are clean, not your old using buddies.

[daydream]

Hi ghull, I admire your courage in sharing this. When i was a newcomer I felt ashamed to let anyone know when I had using thoughts. Here's some questions that might help you come to a decision about whether you want to try LSD again.
1. Did I do things under the influence of LSD that caused problems ?
2. Did LSD impair my thinking so that I might not have been capable of avoiding an accident or making an urgent decision? If the house had caught fire, could I have gotten myself and others out of the house? Could I have driven safely to get someone to the ER? Or would I have freaked out and just let someone die because I couldn't let them find out we were high?
3. People often say they won't drive while under the influence. Did I drive while using LSD? Were there other things I did under the influence that I would not have done if not high? (risky sex? crimes? abusive to my children?)If so, how can I be sure I won't do those things or worse while using LSD in the future?
4. People often start with a drug they think they can control, but while under the influence of that drug, they decide to use another drug as well. Have I done this before? How can I be sure that my irrational mind will be able to make a rational decision when someone offers me another drug?
and lastly:
5. Is LSD sooooooooo important to me that I'm willing to go to jail for it? Lose my children because of it? Lose my life when I lose touch with reality and do something that ends my life or someone else's? How much life are you willing to pay for a short trip?

No judgement here. I understand the way addiction comes at us, thinking a little bit of this or that won't hurt. That it will be different this time if I'm careful. And I've known many people who thought the same as I did and ended up desperate, psychotic, disabled, dismembered or dead. I was taught to postpone the decision to use. To just say "not today" or "not yet". To call others, go to meetings, talk to a sponsor. After all that, if you decide you still want to use, at least remember that you are loved in NA and we'll be there for you if you make it back. ((((((((ghull)))))))

[Gmoney]

Hi ghull07, Welcome.

Congrats on your 4 months clean and may you see many, many more.

So you're about to leave the treatment center, eh? That's a big step...and a necessary one because we can't stay sheltered from the world forever, can we? Well, I recall some oldtimers saying that "rehab is discovery and what we do in NA after that is recovery." I don't know how true that is, but the suggestions Rez offered are the same ones that have worked for countless NA members (including myself).

Once you get connected with the fellowship and the program, you'll find that what you're describing is referred to as a "reservation." It's not a good thing because that idea of being able to "control" a specific chemical has led many an addict back to active addiction, and those who were fortunate enough to survive their relapses (and make it back) have shared that control is a fantasy. My own experience has taught me the same because I was one of those who struggled with accepting the disease concept of addiction, let alone admit I was an addict. I didn't want to believe I was an addict and only wanted to believe that if I left this one or that one alone I'd be okay. Boy was I wrong!!

Today I understand that drugs are just a symptom of my disease and that I cannot use any drug sucessfully. It's only after we rid ourselves of all reservations that recovery becomes possible. Do yourself a favor and get honest about your using. You'll probably find that using LSD isn't a smart idea and it never was. By the way...isn't it true that LSD binds to your system (on a cellular level) for 17 years?

Be blessed.
GarryW

[Chance]

One thing that I have learned from working the steps is that Narcotics Anonymous helps to change my perception on certain things. One being that taking drugs is illegal especially LSD or anything like that. Heck I still have a hard time allowing myself to take prescription medications however as long as I take them as directed I am OK. I have never been to a in-patient treatment center, however every time that I go to a meeting, talk to my sponsor, work the steps, live by spiritual principles than I do treat my disease and in reality it is a lot better I am sure than being locked down in a treatment center. The thing that comes to my mind right now is "Jails, Institutions, and Death" I am sure that if you continue to do what you are doing you will continue getting what you have always gotten. Why not try to change and try living the NA Way?

With Love and Respect

Vic

[Thundar301]

Welcome Ghull, I did 3 months of inpataint treatment in southern california for my use of Meth which was way out of control , but LSD ,Marijuana, never hurt me...but hold on wait .. it was the Pot that led to the LSD, and then the mushroom and then the cocaine, which introduced me to Crystal, and man she was all mine.... oh... umm I was all hers, she darn near killed me. so even now today with almost 30 months clean and sober , I know the feeling I get to smoke that 1st joint again or drop that blotter, pop a button, or run a rail, will lead back to where I started 2 and 1/2 years ago. don't get me wrong I love drugs always have and always will , but the results of there effect on my life and those who care about me is a price I am no longer willing to pay! I would love to smoke a joint, but before you know it I would be tweeking all over again, so I choose no to act on those feelings TODAY! I can not say I will not tomorrow, but that is another day , right now I need to focus on today and not using, working the program , and being Honest with myself, Totally honest, because if I can lie to me, I can lie to anyone. I am Dean, I am an addict, I will always be an addict, but today I am CLEAN, I have a Higher Power, and I know the program of Narcotics Anonymous has worked in my life so far, I wish the best in your recovery may you find many blessings.