NEWBIE to this site HeLp :)

[primelegend]

Hi everyone. I posted this in the wrong place so I will post it again here

I am new to this website. I am 22 and in recovery. I went to a long term inpatient treatment center called Samaritan Village last year 12/12/05 and came out at the end of July 06. After I completed the program and came out, it took only two weeks to relapse on weed, then followed coke...okay cra... and u finish the rest of the word. I hit a worse low then I did before. I started a new job and would do it on the weekends. But once again I betrayed my family and they knew exactly what I was upto. I would spend all my money on it and then beg my self to stop after it was all gone. Then I would stop my self the most like 2 weeks and fall all over again. UNTIL one day I did so much that I spent couple hundred dollars and while under the influence called my sister so that she could help me come home inorder for my dad not to flip out on me... She ended up telling him the deal of what was going on and that i was under the influence. Then I still had some on me so I did everything I can to goto the bathroom and said i was feeling sick and would do it right in the bathroom while my dad was all upset and going a little crazy... Then I even said I wanted to goto hospital because i wasnt feeling good just to use their bathroom because my dad and sis figured out what I was doing. So they caught on and forced me into throwing out whatever I had in my pocket in the garbage.. This was about 2 months ago or so and I havent touched anything ever since because it was so humiliating to me the whole ordeal of me not being my self and not being able to control my self at all.. I looked horrible like a demon had taken over my soul...which in fact he had. But now time is coming where my mind is telling me I can maybe smoke some weed and it will be okay because its just once and I am in control of everything. I have money in the bank... working...have trust again slightly. Have not messed up at all really since. And im starting to feel more and more nervous like an anticipation feeling... I dont know but I am afraid of a relapse. I dont goto NA meetings or anything when I know I should but my father wouldnt really understand what it is about since I will be around other addicts whether they are in recovery or not in his eyes its the same. So thats why I am writing this right now. I wonder if anyone will read this and get back to me. Maybe it will help me out. It feels kind of good to let it all out. I dont go out at all... Dont have any social circle.. Just work and come home everyday and on weekends try to keep my self busy... One minute of idle time feels like 1 hour of thinking about just doing it one more time... Even as I type this I feel anticipation and just need some assistance...even if its just online... Thank you

[bee62]

Hi and welcome.

While my problem is with alcohol, I can certainly relate to the more you try and quit by yourself, the harder you fall. Ive been fighting alcohol for almost 30 years. I was sober 11 of those years but this past year threw me for a loop and I am now suffering the consequences.
NA is great and offers a support syteem that you can use right now. Maybe if you brought your Dad to an Open Meeting that allows non-addicts to see what it all about, he might see that there is a difference. It also might help him understand what you are going through. Give it shot!
My ex-boyfriend has been a member of NA for 10 years-believe me when I say he was in worse trouble than you were and turned out to be one of the neatest guys I ever met. I screwed up by continuing to drink when I was not with him and he finally gave up.
I hope you keep posting here, I have on;y been here two days and already have learned a lot and laughed too!

Take care
Melissa

[teke]

hi welcome to sr, glad you found us, i usually post in another forum and for some reason, i looked up your post and glad that i did. i am a recovering addict too. i know that anxious feel and as you know, it will pass, find something to do that will take your mind off things. looks like you've done that, keep reading and if you can remember what happened to you the last time you gave in to that urge, or think about what happened the time before you went into rehab. they say play the tape out, and see if you want to go through that again after all the drugs are gone, or when you have to face your father. stop and talk yourself out of it. you can do it, you've already prove that to yourself.

congrats on your sobriety, you don't want to throw that away knowing that you'll be starting all over again. can you talk to your dad and explain why it is important for you to go to your meetings. maybe since you have internet access, you could maybe find info to share with him that may explain things to him. i think that you are doing so good to be reaching out for help even if its just the internet. stay strong, you can do this. take it one mim at a time if you need to, but just don't pick up, whatever you do, you don't have a reason to use.

[primelegend]

Thanks for the quick reply. Both your posts really helped me resurface some stuff within me and made me face exactly what would happen if I did pick up again. How is both your sobrietys going

[Time2Surrender]

Welcome to SoberRecovery. I tried the "One last time" for years. It never came til I totally surrendered and began working a program of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous. Which means having a sponsor and thoroughly working the steps. Tommorow I will have 21 months clean. Trust me, if I can do this, anyone can. Anyone willing to do the work.

[REZ]

Do yourself a favor and start going to NA meetings. Addiction is too strong for us to face alone. We (addicts) need help. SR is a useful online forum but not a substitute for face-to-face human contact.