How do I make it last this time ?

[Blood500]

ey, my names Ryan im 19 and been using Herion my DOC sence I was 16. I been on here before, went to rehab, been in a outpationt thing for while and still am. My ? is what can I do to keep myself feeling like I do right now, wanting to be clean, to change my life, and deal with things I put aside for so long when I'm using? I get this feeling sometimes and it seems to soon pass for one reason or another. I know that I like my self alot more when im sober, working, goin to school, just doing the right stuff but that stuff takes time to get or do and its so much easier to just go get high and worry about it all 2morrow. I am almost pass all the withdraw, and I just took the last of my soboxen. I dont want to be clean from everything, forever, I just want to be normal agian, to smoke some weed here and there and drink once in awhile with my friends and party like you should when your 19, but not take it as far as i have where i just want to be high 24/7. I think someone will say I have to change everything but I dont want to I just want to be able to brake free of the hold H. has on me right now and I feel like **** just thinkin about the things i've done to people just to get high. And the only people i have to talk to is this girl and my bestfriend thats kinda goin thru the same thing right now, and i have a feeling that its goin to be with a friend that I use next. I want to be clean but I am not goin to kid myself and say I dont like to get high, I just cant take what it dose to my life, I have stoped maturing (s?) sence I was basiclly 16, and im not where i feel i should be right now in my life because " I just want to get high". By the way i've only used once in the last 5 days and for me thats great, but i feel like this is just a break in my use and im really scared this is all goin to pass agian and by this time next week ill be using everyday agian.

Ryan

[REZ]

Have you tried going to NA meetings? That saved my life and could save yours. Also, complete abstinence is the only thing that works for me. I can't just smoke a little pot or drink a little beer. If I pick up anything, it always leads me back into the same old addiction rut.

[Blood500]

lil update, I'm clean for dope (H) right now for the first time in awhile, and for myself this time not no probation drug test. I'm still smokin weed and drinkin, and i always work out alot when i try to stop using H. I think I just switch my adiction for a lil bit then when i think i been clean long enough go back to it. I dont want to do that this time tho I never want to use dope agian, give me some adive people. Thanks

Ryan

[Chance]

Hi Ryan.

My name is Vic and I am a recovering addicts of sorts. I have read what you said and I really know how you feel about just wanting to smoke pot and drink and stay off of the other (bad) drugs. I can tell you that I never thought that smoking pot was my problem it was all the other. However now that I look back and realize that even with the pot and alcohol it progressed to where I was stoned most of the time, I wasn't doing my job as well as I should have, or even spending the quality time with my family like I should have. I neglected it all to stay stoned and to live in a high state of my mind all the time.

Is what we have here Ryan isn't a moral issue! We suffer from a disease that even progresses when we are not using. I know that I finally had to admit that my way had not worked nor has it ever worked really. I had to get honest with myself and then and only then could I get honest with others.

I would like to invite you Ryan to attend NA Meetings. I promise you this Ryan that if you go to 90 days and 90 meetings in a row, and if you are not more happy with the way that you feel, you can always go back to what you want. However I am here to tell you that you have a great opportunity right now to get clean at a young age, and by doing that Ryan you won't have to go through all the crap that most of us here had to go through.

Is this going to be easy? Hell NO but I know that it is doable. Remember that it could be worse, and also remember that NO MATTER WHAT you never have to go back to the hell of active addiction. Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me with my recovery and Ryan I do have faith in you and I surely have a lot of faith in NA so I think that with all that we can do this Just For Today

With Love and Respect

Vic

[Blood500]

thanks so much man, I'm leaving right now to my friends to go out for the night, I will have using on my mind alot, I know I will, but just reading what you wrote made my feelings about staying clean come back to the surface, thank you. I will write more when I am home 2morrow.

Ryan

[Gmoney]

Hi Ryan,

First, I'd like to say that I understand your situation and your confusion. Anyone of us who've been through active addiction can relate to the early stages when we weren't sure whether we could, should or would stay clean for the rest of our lives. Hey...a lifetime can be pretty damned long, and just imagining doing without something we enjoy can seem impossible.

On one hand, you don't want to go back to the misery, slavery and pain your DOC had on you, but you also, "...dont want to be clean from everything, forever," as you said. From your point of view, it appears that being clean means you'll become an outcast, a square, or not normal. You said yourself that you just want to be normal again. Well, if "normal" for you is getting high and partying with your get high friends...it's almost certain that you'll go back to using something, and eventually you'll revisit all the things you did before (and worse). Trust me. Substituting one drug for another may postpone you using your DOC for a while, but you'll we recovering addicts haven't met an addict yet who could use successfully.

Since you've been to rehab and currently involved in a outpatient program, I'm sure you've been taught that "a drug is a drug" and that addiction is a disease. You may have also been taught that using or getting high ISN'T normal (most people don't get high). It may not seem that way from where you stand, but when you open your eyes to the big picture, you'll know it's true. If you like yourself clean & sober, and like how you feel NOT destroying your life...now is as good a time as any to continue moving forward to a better life. You don't have to wake up one day at 30, 40 or 50 years old wishing you had listened...that is, if you survive (sadly, many don't). Why risk it?? Now is the time to get honest...more honest than ever before...about what you want to do with your life.

Do yourself a favor and heed the ES&H offered here. Go to meetings and find new friends who don't get high. Get in involved in the NA fellowship. Lost dreams become awakened and new possibilities arise. We've found a solution and all you have to do is follow the path. The choice is yours.

Good luck and be blessed.

GarryW

[Hope]

Hi Ryan,

Get totally involved with the fellowship of NA. Trust me, you will save yourself a lot of pain and heartache down the road. Don't ever believe that that stuff won't happen to you. And from my own experience, using drugs in any form did lead me back to my drug of choice.
I was one who had to learn the hard way. What everyone is saying to you on this thread is true.

Getting high is no way to live. True recovery and sobriety is where a truly happy, free, and joyous life is.

Keep reaching out.

[Blood500]

ey, thanks for your reply's. I am glad I have this place to come and hear things like that, I always need to be reminded. To be honest, I relapsed with H over the weekend along with E, weed, alot of beer, and crack. And like you all could see coming, with my old friends. I dont know if I am strong enough to change everything. I look at all I should be doing and get, I guess overwhelmed. I think what I really need to do is just make up my mind, Get clean from everything, go to meetings, get new friends, etc. Or just use. Because the way I am trying to do it right now is not going to work, I know already. I guess you could say im just scared to make that turn around I so need to get my life back in order. Thanks agian to everyone trying to help...

Ryan

[Gmoney]

Hi Ryan,

Keep coming back. If you don't have enough desire to stop using right now, hopefully you'll become willing enough to do something different without having to experience the degradation, humiliation, despair, dereliction, embarrassment, guilt and shame most of us have gone through.

It may seem overwhelming to you right now...but all you have to remember is that you don't HAVE TO use one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, just stay clean today. Those of us with multiple years clean started the same way as yourself - by not using a day at a time. Of course, it wasn't always easy, but we had help. The same help is available for you...TODAY!!

Don't be afraid to give yourself a better life. You deserve it and I know you're worth it. As long as you continue to reach out for help, we will always be here to reach back. You never have to do this alone. Give it a try...it can't hurt.

C'mon in...the water's fine.

GarryW

[REZ]

If it helps, I was 21 years old and a college student when I got clean. For a while I told myself that I was too young to be an addict, that I needed some more time to party and have fun, that I could cut down some day when I got older and grew up. But fortunately, I realized, that some day will never come unless I change my ways now. I had a vision of myself doing the same old stuff over and over again for years, becoming a burned out old pothead, and I didn't like that image at all. I am very thankful that I got clean when I did and that I have enjoyed many years clean since then.

[clancy]

Hi Ryan,

well you are a great age to start again! I will give you my opinion, it probably differs from some of the others.

First of all you need to be sure of what you want. You need to think very very hard about what you want for your life, who you want to be.

If you have a heavy drugs habit and you want to stop, then you you have a big battle ahead.

First be sure of what you want, and comit TOTALLY to getting it. Dont make the attempt if you dont feel totally comitted to going drug free, or you will be setting yourself up to fail. You only want to go through this once!

A really good organization to help you are east-west detox @ www.eastwestdetox.com This program claims a 60-70 % sucess rate which is awesome in rehab stats. With this program you spend a month or so on a wat (buddhist monastery) where you detox with a group of other westerners helped with a program of herbal medicine and saunas, and the emphasis is on going within and finding your inner strength to change and grow. Its a charity and apart from the air fare, its based on donations. Your drug worker in your home country can help set it up for you. Go and have a look at the website and see what you think. I know a herbalist who went as a medical observer and she said it is a wonderful and inspiring place.

I dont think that the AA fellowships are a good idea personally. This organisation perpetuates the belief that you are powerless to help yourself, that you have a disease, and that you will always have one, and that the fellowship is the only alternative to jails, asylums or death. According to 'official' figures the AA is only effective in helping 15% people who attend. I would encourage you to read up about the AA before attending, it sounds very much as if it acts as another addictive crutch - you never 'graduate' and perfectly healthy (in body!) people still routinely declare themselves addicts 20 years later in some cases.
Anyhow I would encourage you to read up about the phenomena of AA yourself (lots of material, both pro and and anti on the net) so you are well armed with the knowelege to make an informed choice!
People who feel that the AA has helped them are extremley passionate about it, so dont be suprised if there are some howls of protest about my less than reverent attitude towards the organisation.

I really think that it is important that you find some help that concentrates on developing and strengthening your own personal power rather than denying it though. also meditation and yoga are incredibly helpful - but again you need to read, read, read and decide who YOU are, what YOU want to be, what YOU believe and find a method of moving forward in health and strength that feels right for YOU!
I wish you luck in your search.

clancy

[Gmoney]

I'm sure I'm not going to be the only one to offer some opposing views to what Clancy just shared, but before I do, I want to say that there are a couple of points he raised that I'm in full agreement with.

One is that it is important to get honest with oneself about their situation. In one of my posts on this thread I mentioned that ("Now is the time to get honest...more honest than ever before...about what you want to do with your life."). Another point I agree with is that anyone struggling with a substance abuse problem should search for a "method" of recovery that they believe will work for them - or as Clancy puts it, "feel right."

Now here's what I disagree with: I disagree with any assertion that AA (or NA, for that matter) promotes or perpetuates the belief that you (or anyone) are powerless to help yourself. To say such a thing demonstrates a gross misunderstanding of what 12 step recovery is all about. Powerlessness simply means that "we" have limitations, restrictions or boundaries we must recognize, acknowledge and accept in order to recover. Anyone who has a drug or alcohol problem and cannot stop using on sheer will-power obviously doesn't have the power to do so on their own. Even admitting oneself to a detox center is a sign that this is true. If one has the "power" to stop and stay stopped on their own, they wouldn't be visiting this site asking for help (let alone have a "drug worker"). That's a no-brainer, ya think?

Secondly, 12 step fellowships & programs like AA or NA avoid making absolute judgements about what works OTHER than their own programs. I suggest Clancy picks up some NA literature and read the 10th Tradition in depth and learn how we are about attraction and not promotion - our recovery speaks for itself. I, for one, know very well that AA & NA aren't the only programs that work, but when I speak about MY EXPERIENCE...I share that it's the only thing that worked FOR ME. And when it comes to statistics, I've learned to take them with a grain of salt because they can be very deceptive. Anyone who tells you that AA or NA has a "success/failure rate" of this or that needs to know that these fellowships [1] don't track their members, [2] don't keep attendance records, and [3] they don't allow professional outside organizations to do studies on them...hence the term "anonymous." So, one might ask, "Who gathers this information to draw these statistical conclusions?" I surely don't know. But one thing I do know is no one ever asked me!! And since I'm not included, the figures have to be incorrect. Clancy appears to be offering hearsay instead of actual personal experience in regard to the facility he's endorsing. One reason AA or NA members tend to be "extermely passionate" about their respective programs is because of personal experience at acheiving relief from their addictions - not word of mouth from friends of a friend or surfing the net. I think it's wise to understand that there's a vast difference between attending a detox center or rehab to get clean as opposed to employing and applying a program that assists one in changing their lives for the better (and the long run).

I could go on and on, but I'll close by saying this: NA offers a proven program of recovery experienced in the lives of MILLIONS of people recovering from addiction. As a member, all I have to give is my experience, strength and hope, and what I offer are the same simple suggestions that were offered to me when I came seeking help. I tried medicine, religion and psychiatry and none of it worked for me. Through the program of NA, I've been EMPOWERED and live a full, healthy and happy life - drug free. I've found, like many, many others, that what worked for those who came before me...can also work for me if I'm willing to give it a try. It did and it does. All I'm saying is that it can work for you too...if you choose. The choice is always yours.

Be blessed,

GarryW

[Moontime]

Clancy- are you talking theory or experience? What is your experience with the 12 STeps or this detox that you posted?

Blood- IN NA we get to the root of why we use against our will. We do inventories to get to the exact natuure of why we can't stop using. WE look at patterns of self-destruction. Many of us have said that we suffered from addiction long before we ever picked up that first drug. So I can throw out detoxes as way to stay clean for the rest of your life. What makes me think mere abstinence is going to keep me clean? This about surrendering then getting back a Spiritual power back. Clancy sounds off on opinion but I would rather someone show me then speak to me. Show me don't tell me. Let me see how you live? I see how people live in NA. The blueprint is right there, it's the 12 steps.

[Chance]

Originally Posted by Blood500

To be honest, I relapsed with H over the weekend along with E, weed, alot of beer, and crack. And like you all could see coming,
Ryan

Ryan so you relapsed right! Big deal I wasn't surprised and I am sure that most of us weren't. It is more surprising when someone stays clean. The chances of any of us relapsing is in our favor. None of us are cured all we have is a daily reprieve.

You know Ryan that what you did could have been ME last weekend. One thing is that we need to decide if we are willing to go to any lengths to stay Clean. If the answer is yes, than we must do whatever we can. Sometimes if the only thing that happens during the day is that I stay clean than I have won that day. I hope that you learned something from this for without learning we will be doomed to repeat.

With Love and Respect

Vic

[Blood500]

I'm learning Vic, and I thank you all so much for showing me ways to beat this problem I have. I want this now, I have never really wanted it like I do now. I can see so many things in my future going under if I continue on the path I am on right now, and It hurts inside. I want to be free from drugs, and like clancy said find myself. I thought I was starting to when I first got out of rehab and it felt great, and I want to feel that agian. I am going to find something that will work for me, a new attiude about life, I am going to focus on staying clean one day at a time, and put my goals I want to accomplish in the future within grasps. I am goin to keep coming back here, plz dont give up on me, I hope this is a start to a happier more fullfilling life style, Thank you all.

Ryan

[SaTiT]

oki doki Ryan,

hey ....thats the only thing that made sense to me or I half
arss understooded. My arss was falling off and I didn't give a rats
arss one way or the other about all the extra stuff.
Holy sheit....I could barley read or pronounce annoananamimmniiityyyyy.
Yet to get into a great dicussion.lmaf

"KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT"

[Blood500]

ey everyone, I am doin alright now, I sliped up a few times but I can feel myself starting to change things around me that will help me stay clean easier in the future. I am just happy I dont feel like I need it anymore and I can plan my day around something else besides getting High. Thanks, lata

Ryan

[REZ]

Ryan: Are you going to NA meetings yet? How about planning your day around going to meeting and hanging out with people who are not using?

[Blood500]

Ey all, I didnt put enough into staying clean like always, and am back to my old ways using everyday, selling things to get high, its sucks. I really need to tell most of my friends to stop calling my if i am serious about this, I already had 2 people call me 2day talkin about goin to pick up. I cant make my fellings last ever, about anything but getting high. I know why I cant stay clean is because I never give it 100%. I know it looks like your wasting your time on me people, but maybe this will help me when I need it, I dont know.

Ryan

[Chance]

Originally Posted by Blood500

I know it looks like your wasting your time on me people, but maybe this will help me when I need it, I dont know.

Ryan

NO WE are not waisting our time on you! There is no such thing in the Program of NA. We all know the depths of addiction here. The selling everything in order to get high. I once sold my computer for 5 eight balls of Crack, silly really LOL

But you know what my friend. I am grateful today for that! Why? Because it got me and many other things happened to make me finally realize that ONE is too MANY and a THOUSAND is NEVER enough. All I have to do is to stay away from that first one. How do we do it? Well we change our places, things, people, and playgrounds. Just like today when I was driving home I went by a street and a place where I used to score. Oh yeah the thought did enter my mind, I think it does to all of us at times. But the promise of NA is that today I don't have to use.

Most people I know really try to give NA a chance. I mean what do we have to loose? Nothing for me because I had lost everything anyway including myself. How do we make this our last time? Hell I don't think that any of us know that, but we do know that Just for today, we don't have to use. I know that right now the disease has you! It isn't going to be easy but I am here to let you know that you can do it. If a junkie like me can do this for today then anyone should be able to.

I would give NA a chance, go to 90 meetings in 90 days like that Basic Text suggest. Don't use no matter what like the Basic Text suggest. Get a Sponsor like the Basic text suggest. and one more thing GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!

With Love and Respect

Vic

[Blood500]

Thanks, I am gettin up 2morrow and going to church. I think I am going to try and make myself go to a meeting 2morrow also. I want to be cleannnnnnnnn.

Ryan

[REZ]

Going to church is fine, but it is more important to go to NA meetings, if you want to stay clean. The God of my understanding works through NA.