Sponsorship and Step One Am I Stupid?

[Chance]

This is going to be my journal more or less! I am now at 4 months and 11 days clean. I have been doing what I need to do in order to stay clean and to change. I have put myself into out-patient and I graduated from that here recently. I just asked Todd to be my sponsor he has 16 years clean. I know that he is going to be helping me with a huge amount of stuff and that is great. I also know that he is going to be a hard ass also. He told me to call him a few times and finally tonight when I got home I called him. He wasn't home from the meeting yet but he called me back within 10 minutes if that. I asked him what he wanted me to do, and he said that he wanted me to read Step one out of the How and why and get a understanding of what this means to me. He will be back on Saturday and we will review it then. I am kind of nervous but I know that it will be OK. I have started my treatment again for my Hep C and it is going to be a process that is for sure. OK I will try to keep this up for my progress and for future references for when someone might just ask me to be there sponsor as well. Very grateful to be clean. Well I have been calling him a few times. I have gotten my first assignment done, however I said to him that I needed to read it again. I have read it a total of maybe five times now and I am going to call him now to get together with him to go over my first step. I just don't know if I really understand it the way that most think it is understood if that makes any sense at all. I just talked to my sponsor and I let him know that I was checking in. I also let him know that I had read the first step about 5 times not sure anymore. He asked me what My understanding of it was. I told him that the disease of addiction to drugs says that I can never safely use drugs. That it progresses even if I am not using. I told him that it says that we were powerless over our addiction and that our life had become unmanageable. Today it isn't the same for I am not using dope. So my life today isn't unmanageable like it was nor am I Powerless over my addiction to dope.

He then asked me what I should do next. I said I don't know and he said what are you that stupid. That kind of made me feel bad however I am not sure if I do have a good foundation to this yet. He says that I have a good start now or at least a half way decent one. so I told him I was going to re-read chapter one on step one and he asked me why. I said just to try and understand it better. He told me to go ahead and read step one and then read step two that he will meet me at the meeting tonight. Now I am starting to get really nervous. Well here we go another day. Feeling as if I am stupid which isn't good. My self worth isn't that damn good yet anyways.

[Gooch]

Aw C'mon dude.... don't make me come over there and give ya a hug!

you better change the title of this or I'm gonna get in your grill and remiond you aren't stupid. Stubborn ? maybe... strong willed? probably.. but you know your not stupid!

Cut it out!

[Chance]

Well Gooch he asked me if I was stupid! I sometimes feel as if I am but also know that I am not. I know that I am not the brightest person in the world, I mean it does take me a little longer than most to understand stuff, always has. I just don't know if I am truly ready for all of this. Well maybe that is just procrastination.

He asked me what the step meant to me after reading the Step One in the It Works How and Why. To relate it only to my drugs (alcohol is a drug) in which I did. I have made a time line like someone had suggested also. I see how in this time line, that it just started with one drink at the age of 3. Up to the age of 10 I had a few drinks a few times, and loved the way that it made me feel.

During the years it progressed to the point that once I picked up I couldn't stop, had no way to stop, nor did I even want to stop. How could I stop I was trapped into the active addiction of the dope. Yes I even tried other dope just like the last time on crack. Almost laughed at people that couldn't stop using it, thinking they were not addicts anyone could stop using crack. Then I finally graduated that and found out why you couldn't just stop it. Because Crack took me down to the depths of hell just like anything else.

I can not safely use drugs, I am a addict. I know inside my inner most self that I am unable to stop once I start. it would be insane to use again. I just know that I can not do this alone. I asked him to guide me through the steps, I am doing what he ask me to do. I did read and I studied the first step and now he wants me to move on to step two. He says that I have a understanding of that already. He also let me know that what he is doing is preparing me to start steps 4 and 5. It just seems like he is in a rush with this or maybe I don't need to be thinking at all I don't know. I just don't want to get so damn over-whelmed here, and yet I promised myself that I would do whatever he says. He said also that step one is pass tense, that we were powerless not that we are. and that our lives were unmanageable that they are not without dope. Um I beg to differ there

So let me ask all of you this question. When you worked Step one the first time with your sponsor, what was some of the things he/she told you to do. How long did it take for you to move on to step two? What is your understanding of step one?

By the way I am not a moderator thank god so I can not change the title it is out of my hands.

[godsonmyside]

((((VIC))))

You are not stupid. I am not understanding how you are looking at just the drug and not the disease. we are not responsable for our disease,we are responsable for our recovery.
The disease of addiction

What makes us addicts is the disease of addiction-not the drugs, not our behavior, but our disease. There is something within us that makes us unable to control our use of drugs. This same "something" also makes us prone to obsession and compulsion in other areas of our lives. How can we tell when our disease is active? When we become trapped in obsessive, compulsive, self-centered routines, endless loops that lead nowhere but to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional decay.
What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

==> What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.

==> When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

==> How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?

==> How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?

Our addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways. When we first come to Narcotics Anonymous, our problem will, of course, be drugs. Later on, we may find out that addiction is wreaking havoc in our lives in any number of ways.

==> What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?

==> Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?

Is this dude an AA sponsor?

Someone in AA cannot tell someone in NA how to recover!!
This is a program of Experience , Strength and Hope. Some one calls me or asked me if I am stupid, I'm done and moving on. That is not respectful, its actually disgouraging rather we encourage others in here.

Track record shows here you did the first 5 steps before and did not stay clean, so the foundation wasn't built. Moving on to step 2 just like that is not suggested. Step one is not about the drug, behaviors, its about the disease, denial, surrender and acceptance, Honesty. Its about not using drugs. Our addiction involved more than just using drugs so our recoivery involves more than just mere abstinence.

I don't believe that steps 1,2 &3 are a boom, boom,boom tell me all now system. I have never seen it work, no success stories from that, and the ones who do succeed, I really don't want what they have. Coming to believe is very important and making the decision in the 3rd step jumps off the belief I have of betting my life.

I shared with some one the other day, they said a few quotes that do not follow what our literature states and I asked her where she got here information from, she heard it at a meeting. I suggested she looked it up herself. We are to easy to follow others in here and go off their information and not look it up ourselves.

Hang in there dude!! If you haven't been told you are loved today, I love you!
Peace,
Todd J.

[Chance]

No this is a NA Sponsor and is a very hard ass one from what I have been told. That is why I got him to call me on my crap. However, I don't feel reading the Step one out of the It Works How and Why a few times gives me the foundation that I need for this program. He says it is time to move on to step two. I don't know maybe this is where I loose faith in the programs of recovery. So many different perseceptions on how it works and yet it is all only one perception that is displayed.

I am not going to use that is not even in my mind. I just want to recover, I just want someone to teach me the NA Way. He says that is what he is doing is teaching me the NA Way. I almost feel like a one night stand, wamb, bamb thank you mam. ****

[dalin]

im sure we all have our own system of working the steps.
does he sponsor anyone else you could talk to?
all my sponsees use group consience.they bounce ideas of of me,there sponsee brothers,my sponsor etc
that is the first thing i do with a sponsee is give them all the phone numbers of the sponsership family,even long distance.
but ask around.
but you decided that he was going to sponsor you,so if any changes,or questions have to start with you.
love ya man

[StrongR2Day]

At 4 months 11 days clean, haven't you been working Step 1 the entire time? Are you just now working it formally with a sponsor? I do agree speeding through the steps is not effective, but you've been doing a lot of work over the past several months...most of which seems to be the focus on your powerlessness over your addiction. Check with your sponsor and see if that isn't why he's pushing you to move on.

I do take issue with the "stupid" comment though, that's just plain mean, it's not calling you on your crap. Don't confuse the two.

Are you sure this particular sponsor is working for you? Sounds like you have some doubts.

[aasharon90]

Vic, I feel the same way Godsomyside
shared. And YOUR NOT STUPID by no
means.....my mom use to say that to
me...and the tapes are sometimes still
playing in my head...I KNOW I NEED
TO DESTROY THOSE TAPES OR ERASE
THEM....THEY ARE NO GOOD. Did
someone ever tell u that long time
ago? If so...destroy ur tapes too...
WE ARE NOT STUPID PEOPLE..WE
ARE SPECIAL IN THE EYES OF OUR
HP AND OURSELVES. NO ONE ELSE
MATTERS.

Get another sponsor...lol WE ALL
R UR SPONSORS.. : )



Hi, Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

A fellow alcoholic wrote this and i was
inspired to share because it is almost
exactly how i feel about sponsorship....

........the last line about diddly squat
..is his words...for me im not that
harsh with words....i do care ..but
u get the meaning...i hope...if not
...forget the last line...lol

...my sponsor NEVER TOLD me what
to do...it was by her shining examples
that led the way for me in recovery.
Today she continues to be that shining
beacon in my mind, heart and soul by
remembering her kindness, caring,
supportive ways about her.


****In a nutshell, here is what I tell folks
who ask me to be their sponsor. "I can't
relieve you of your alcoholism. I can't
answer all your questions or be your
family counselor or father/mother figure
or psychologist. I saved my hide/butt
by following the AA recommended program,
reading the book, praying and meditating,
seeking a sponsor, sponsoring others, and
always turning down that first drink. So, if
you're here to walk the walk, then I'll carry
the lantern and be your willing guide but if
you're here to simply talk the talk, you've
got to have me confused with someone
who gives a diddly-squat about your
unfortunate situation." And that's the
way it works for me. ****


Does that make sense? : )

[dalin]

IF ANY ONE OF YOU IS STUPID......WELL IT IS HE HOMESLICE...
WE LOVE YOU MAN
BE GOOD TO YOU OK



:*******:
MUST BE HIM

[laurie6781]

I know inside my inner most self that I am unable to stop once I start. it would be insane to use again.

Sounds to me like you should be listening to your sponsor....................you're doing it again, rofl asking for 'opinions' lol.

Instead ask yourself:

Do you trust this man?

Do you want what he has?

Are you ready to follow direction?

If you can answer 'yes' to those, then...............................

He says it is time to move on to step two.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[dalin]

But Follow Your Heart.
All My Steps Were About Writing,and Learning To Live Spiritual...

[Chance]

Originally Posted by dalin

But Follow Your Heart.
...

Right now my heart says it is time to not come back here and it might be time to find another way to recovery than AA or NA .... I just can not deal with the bullshit anymore.

Sorry guys have to go

Vic

[Gooch]

Hey Vic. this is the turning point.. everytime you've gotten to this point you've used.

This time can be different. It's up to you.

[StrongR2Day]

One of my biggest epiphanies in recovery was finding out the answer was inside of me all along, and my sponsor what just a vehicle (hopefully directed by a Loving God) to direct me to that answer. That's what listening to your heart is all about.

Funny, I'd listen to that little evil voice that told me to use, lickety split, no questions asked. But I'd put my fingers in my ears and shout "na na na" when the Loving God voice appeared.

Sounds like Gooch knows you and what you need to hear right now. Just listen.

We love you. You are family, and you always will be.

[nogard]

Ditto what Gooch says, push through this Vic and stay clean and in recovery.

Kevin

[2dayzmuse]

Vic, nip this in the bud now. Do you really want to go through this again? You are setting yourself up to for failure and an excuse to use. Are you really ready to go through that again?

Step 1. WE admitted we were powerless over alcohol, (and/or drugs or things) that our lives had become unmanageable.

What more do you need? Move forward.

I didn't spend much time on step one. One day was all it took. I signed a contract that I was willing to go to any lengths to get sober. There wasn't a whole lot to ponder. There was no doubt in my mind that I was powerless over alcohol. All I had to do was review my life over that last few years and there I had it. The truth and the answer. The answer was AA.

[Thundar301]

Originally Posted by luckyv2

Right now my heart says it is time to not come back here and it might be time to find another way to recovery than AA or NA .... I just can not deal with the bullshit anymore.

Sorry guys have to go

Vic

easier softer way???? Vic I don't know you , have never talked to you before, and I can't recover for you , but i can tell you this , unless you can become totally honest with Vic, there is not anything you can try that is going to help, I have learnt in this, life is Black and White, all the Grey area that use to be there was me , my rationalizations, me making what I seen in life either right or wrong depending on the situation at any giving time. If you really want this , you'll call yourself on your own bullshit or get a sponser or friend who will call you on it, until you call call yourself on it. I have been here at this site a year/ and a month now and I watch you , go out do some "research" come back here with arrows stuck in your @$$ and turn right around and do more "research" again, it just makes me wonder why?? if your truely not finished then your wasting valuable "misery" time trying to recovery 1/2 way 1/2 @$$ , but brother if your really ready , then just look at your life , and admit, you are powerless over "YOUR" addictions, that "YOUR" life has become unmanagable! and surrender ask for some help, drop the EGO and get humble , admit your best thinking is not working ,, and most of all.... get to know "YOUR" higher power , who or what ever it may be, on a Daily basis. but only you know when your hole is deep enough, the more your dig the farther you have to climb though, so Vic , brother , man put down your shovel and come up here , we are waiting... with unconditional love.... May your higher power continue to Bless you, I wish you nothing but the best in life! don't quit quitting...your not alone in this, Dean

[Chance]

I really don't understand WTF you all are saying here I haven't used nor am I going to but YOU all seem so ******* judgemental like each of you have different opinions and answers and it is just too confusing for me. I will not be here, so don't worry about ****. I have a sponsor and I am doing what he says. He feels as if I am doing fine, I trust him and I don't have to live with your opinions. I will keep working with him and doing what he says, I am also learning a huge amount here. I am on step two if you must have a update. I know some here will say it is too quick and then of course most of you will say it isn't soon enough. Don't matter what you think anymore. Just matters what My sponsor and I am doing.. Keep the faith thanks for helping. I am sure this is going to come across negative that isn't my intentions I am really struggling here with my treatment, I should have NEVER changed my ANTI-D'S during this treatment it is like having to deal with all this negative crap again. Thanks

[godsonmyside]

Vic,
Nobody has judged you here, and everyone is going to have different perspectives to offer you. Lets take a look at what has been pointed oout to you here.

You stated:

I asked him what he wanted me to do, and he said that he wanted me to read Step one out of the How and why and get a understanding of what this means to me. He will be back on Saturday and we will review it then. I am kind of nervous but I know that it will be OK. I have started my treatment again for my Hep C and it is going to be a process that is for sure. OK I will try to keep this up for my progress and for future references for when someone might just ask me to be there sponsor as well. Very grateful to be clean. Well I have been calling him a few times. I have gotten my first assignment done, however I said to him that I needed to read it again. I have read it a total of maybe five times now and I am going to call him now to get together with him to go over my first step. I just don't know if I really understand it the way that most think it is understood if that makes any sense at all. I just talked to my sponsor and I let him know that I was checking in. I also let him know that I had read the first step about 5 times not sure anymore. He asked me what My understanding of it was. I told him that the disease of addiction to drugs says that I can never safely use drugs. That it progresses even if I am not using. I told him that it says that we were powerless over our addiction and that our life had become unmanageable. Today it isn't the same for I am not using dope. So my life today isn't unmanageable like it was nor am I Powerless over my addiction to dope.

He then asked me what I should do next. I said I don't know and he said what are you that stupid. That kind of made me feel bad however I am not sure if I do have a good foundation to this yet.

Some replies:

Step one is not about the drug, behaviors, its about the disease, denial, surrender and acceptance, Honesty. Its about not using drugs. Our addiction involved more than just using drugs so our recoivery involves more than just mere abstinence.

You are not stupid. I am not understanding how you are looking at just the drug and not the disease. we are not responsable for our disease,we are responsable for our recovery.


I do take issue with the "stupid" comment though, that's just plain mean, it's not calling you on your crap. Don't confuse the two.

Are you sure this particular sponsor is working for you? Sounds like you have some doubts.

IF ANY ONE OF YOU IS STUPID......WELL IT IS HE HOMESLICE...
WE LOVE YOU MAN
BE GOOD TO YOU OK

And this is where fear come out of you and now you are running. I don't believe others should chase you, Let you be. I hope you come to terms and get your meds right and stay in this process.

These are not my opinions, this is from experience.

Love you bro.

Peace,
Todd J.

[dalin]

everyone wants the best for you.....
we all have our understanding of the steps and how to work them.my sole sugestion was to reach out to others in your sponsorship family,putting the unity thing to work.
that is when i personaly felt apart of,not apart from like i had my whole life.
we love you man.
you deserve to have an awesome program.

[StrongR2Day]

You asked for opinions. We gave 'em. You said you were leaving the recovery program. We begged you not to leave.

Now you're saying WTF?

I know you're hurting, man, but no one here has done anything but love you.