Brutal using dream...

[Blake]

I had a horrible using dream last night, it was so bad it woke me up at 2:30 in the morning......I haven't had one this bad in over a year....

I dreamed that my little sister died from some strange disease and the doctors told me that I had the same disease and that I was going to die in 2 days, so I freaked out and went and got loaded, when 2 days were up, I didn't die, but I was strung out again. I remeber in my dream seeing the disapointment in my roommates eyes and the rest of my friends in recovery when they asked me if I was getting loaded and I said "NO!", I went to my sponsor's house in my dream and just sat on his porch and cried when he came out side.....this is when I woke up....I was crying in my bed and felt absolutely hopeless and full of dispair.....then I realized it was 2:30 in the morning and it had all been a dream.....I sat up and smoked a cigarette turned on the tv and fell back to sleep watching the big lebowski.....

I am very greatful for dreams like this every once and a while, sometimes I forget that feeling of hoplessness and despair that comes along with using and this is a way my HP to kick me in the ass when I start slipping....

[Gooch]

Those dreams really helped me remember the contrast between where I had come from and where NA helped me get.

It's been a long time since I had anything resembling a using dream. I still get the occasional guilt trip dream when I haven't stepped up to make an ammend or have some unfinished resentment I'm unwilling to hand over.

Your conscious is awake and standing ready to help you maintain what your spirit knows is the way the real you wishes to live.