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|02-06-2012, 05:11 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Grateful but still smarting
Join Date: May 2009
Blog Entries: 24
The Blinders come off
"What! Me cause harm?"
In Step 4 I looked at my part in situations which led to resentments. The list of people involved in my active addiction drama provides an excellent start on my Step 8 list, but it's not complete.
I was an equal opportunity addict, I caused harm to people I didn't even have a beef with. Not many, mind you, because my resentments were piled high, but there certainly are some.
I really love the NA approach to the Steps that is provided in the step working guide. It allows me to go deep, gives me permission to take the time necessary to do an honest and thorough job.
The first sponsor I had was a "get er done" sort of gal, and I made forward motion nominally, but inside I felt like I was trying to jump onto a speeding train lest I fail to get to my destination. I guess I am a "slow and steady wins the race sort of gal"
I'm not stalling, I'm giving time for ideas to move into and out of my addled brain.
Step 8. I'm making a list and checking it twice. The literature helps me determine what harm is.
A resource I have found useful in this is the Family and Friends forum on this site. I read the stories of frustration, pain, financial ruin, lost sleep, etc etc etc. And the blinders are slipping, I had NO idea that my behaviors had the effect that they did. I simply could not see it.
I don't have all of those behaviors as part of my story, but there are many things their addicts did that I did.
I can't become willing to make amends until I have at least a small idea of the damage I wrought.
Another resource that is helping me with my willingness (and will also help me with my Step 9, is this list of 12 steps on how to apologize.
How to Apologize: 12 steps - wikiHow
It not only will give me a guideline when I start to make amends, but it helps me see how many of my previous apologies were actually insulting and painful to the other party.
And when I read those steps, I can feel resistance in myself. There are some people I feel I can go to and make a good apology, there are others where my willingness just dries up. I'd rather send them an anonymous money order than have to recognize and honor their feelings. Sure, I'll say sorry, but I will also absolve myself by trying to prove it wasn't really my fault...fail.
I'm making my list, and checking it twice. Where I know I am not willing, I am also hopeful that my HP will help me get willing, by further lifting the resentments and defects I have. I can be thorough with my list because when I get to those amends I will not be alone. My HP will be with me.
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