Day 127...zero energy

[SQUEAK6007]

all i want to do is sleep after coming off years of high doses of benzos. i feel like RIP VAN WINKLE! like i've just awakened and everything's changed - everyone - including me - is a lot older. there are so many things i don't remember - important things, like hospitalizations! i came across a hospital bill that said "no driving for 6 months" ... i don't even remember BEING in the hospital then (that was over 6 months ago.) i feel like i need to run, but i'm in 5 feet of water - out in the ocean - with heavy clothes on. it just seems like it would be so much easier to just float... just be carried along. nothing really feels good except SLEEP. i have to force myself to go to meetings - or to do anything.

[Missybuns]

Welcome to SR,
It gets better. make the meetings! 127 days is a great start to what could be the best years of your life.

I used drugs of one kind or another for 28 years. It takes some time and due diligence to recover.

Trust me it could be much worse than sleeping alot!

Do you have a sponsor yet?

Sincerely,
Missy

[SQUEAK6007]

i have a sponsor but have a hard time connecting with her - in other words, i need a new sponsor. i did make it to the meeting last night. i didn't want to go - but i did & i listened. last night i read Step 1 in 12&12. i'm trying to understand ...

[Missybuns]

are you attending AA or NA?

[Gmoney]

12 & 12 ? That's AA literature, right?

[Missybuns]

Originally Posted by Gmoney

12 & 12 ? That's AA literature, right?

yes and is why I asked which fellowships' meetings are being attended

we can be of better help if we know

[SQUEAK6007]

i go to one n.a. meeting a week - the only one in town - and the rest a.a. - i've gone to a.a. for 33 years - i had myself convinced i was SOBER b/c i hadn't taken a drink since 3/9/77 - but in the past few years had become totally addicted to xanax. i know i'm an alcoholic - now i'm dealing w/ the fact that i'm an addict - it's confusing ... and i know it sounds ridiculous - i've always known that i couldn't take other mood changing drugs - but i did. for some strange reason i don't feel a stigma about being an alcoholic - but i still choke on the word addict! even though there isn't any doubt in my mind that i can NEVER safely take ANY mood changing drug ever ever again!

[Wolfchild]

Whether it's drugs and/or alcohol you found out that you have a problem with, it's beside the point. The question still remains, why do you look outside of yourself for some type of instant gratification? What fixed idea drives you to obsessive and compulsive behavior?

These were the first two questions that helped me to admit to myself that i was an addict.

Your willingness to indentify with those who have had similiar problems may bring about some changes that you still need to make progress in. i appreciate your honesty and hope the best for you as you continue to learn how to be you without the influence of drugs or alcohol.

[Gmoney]

i know i'm an alcoholic - now i'm dealing w/ the fact that i'm an addict - it's confusing ... and i know it sounds ridiculous -......for some strange reason i don't feel a stigma about being an alcoholic - but i still choke on the word addict!

Yes...it can be confusing...especially when we buy into the semantics that divide AA's and NA'ers. There was a time when I'd cringe at the word 'alcoholic' and I'd refuse to identify. Over time I've learned that an alcoholic is just as much an addict as an addict is an alcoholic. The substances we became addicted to a merely a symptom of a greater problem - SELF.

[SQUEAK6007]

I remember a saying i used to hear in AA - i haven't heard it in years, but it probably applies to me now... "Utilize, don't analyze" ... i think the time will come when i may be able to analyze... but right now my mind is just too muddled. but one thing i do know ... the program works.

[Missybuns]

Originally Posted by SQUEAK6007

"Utilize, don't analyze" .

that's a good saying! I have come to realize the steps are what we utilize in the process of recovery. This process moves us carefully through the analyzing of ourselves. In NA we say "Easy Does It"

It's not as important why we used as it is to just not pick up and use at the the beginning. The understanding why comes to us as we work our steps with a sponsor.

As we step away from our self-seeking ways through utilizing the steps, we grow and reach an understanding of ourselves.

Instant gratification begins to fade as we begin to open our minds and not think we need or have answers right now.

It's ok not to know!

Peace,
Missy