Why the sun does not shine on me!

[Happystar]

Since I was a little girl! I have'd cared what people think of me! As I got older! I don't give a damn anymore! At this time in my life! When someone means the world to you, and they are the one who is taking you to the end! What do you do?

I talk on the phone with him all day! And when he gets home! He does not understand why I don't have anything to say! I smoke everyday all day if I can just to deal with him! Now I'm trying to stop and can't! Every time I think I'm about to stop! He does something to make me sadder then I was before hand!

When I don't tell him why I'm so sad! Am I wrong! I tried tell him everyday when we got together, that I'm not used to talking on the phone all day! He said if we are not on the phone then I with someone else! Now on top of trying to stop smoking I have to deal with a man that does not trust me!

I have a problem with trusting people anyway! Now I don't even trust him with my feelings! Thats not good, cause I wish to spend my life with him!

Why does the sun not shine in my life anymore!

My mind is tired! My soul is tired! But there looks like there is no way out of the bottom of the depression!:c004:

[Missybuns]

Hello and welcome to SR.


are you looking for answers or just venting?

I sense your frustration....and there may even be some desperation there.

I personally had to find the underlying issues that fed my addiction. First thing I did was stop using...I had help because I truly needed it. I got some intensive outpatient group therapy and counseling. I was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous. I became educated about addiction and learned I could stay clean if I was willing to change my ways and thinking.

Before I could get the benefits I had to open my mind to letting go of all the unhealthy relationships I was involved in...afterall my life's choices had contributed to my addiction.

I learned that if a relationship worth having was one I was already involved in...then it could and would endure my transition from being an active addict to a grateful and responsible adult in recovery.

If it is meant to be....it will be. Anyone who truly cares about me will support me in my recovery. If who or what ever I am involved with threatens my recovery it is not good for me.

People who truly care about me are not jealous or controlling of me.

I am responsible for all of my decisions. I do not make my decisions based on my emotions.
I did that in the past, before I stopped using drugs, and it only made my projections hurt me worse. I was my own worst enemy by making decisions this way.

I got my personal recovery by getting serious with me, and taking good look inside me and asking some very important questions I had to be honest about.

I allow other people in recovery to help guide me through this process.
I met these knowledgible and experienced people in Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I use the internet in addition to my regular program of recovery.

There are experienced NA members who frequent this forum.

Only you can decide if you are an addict or not. If you decide you are an addict, then only you can help yourself feel better by stopping the progression of your addiction. It's a fighting a losing battle to try and have healthy relationships while still in active addiction.

best wishes,
Missy

PS...I suppose I could have found you in the Substance Abuse forum...but I found this first.

[Happystar]

Thanks so much! That was nice to hear! You are right! So far I take it one day at a time! And the only reason why I wish to stop is that I wish to have kids someday!

[alwaysbp]

everything that missybuns said is soooo true!!!! if i may toss in my 2 cents. "we didn't become addicted in one day, so remember - EASY DOES IT!! you may not have noticed but i see that you've answered your own question! the last thing you said was "My mind is tired. My soul is tired." think about those words you spoke. God/your Higher Power/whatever you like is saying something to you. "You've been thinking and thinking and trying and trying to the point where you're just all done - you're so tired, you're so spent! that's your sign! the enemy - the addiction/depression - will immediately try to convince you that you can't take it anymore. there's no way out of all this crud. LIES!! NEGATIVES!! so, try to look at it from the other side. what an opportunity you have been given! so, what are the POSITIVES??? you find yourself some time, someplace where you can be alone, away from any distractions, and purposely cool off. while you're doing that, you take some time to let everything go and then start gathering your thoughts. i went to therapy with my wife the other day (loooong story!!!). it got intense. i tried so hard to say the right things. i tried so hard my mind became chaotic. my body trembled, i was sweating a bit and crying out of frustration. program has taught me that there's always a way out. if there wasn't, i wouldn't be here today. so, we left in our separate cars and i stopped at my Starbux, got a coffee and went to my local park. rolled down the window, fired up a cigarette, closed my eyes and just let it all go. my head slowly emptied of all the crap and soon i was able to think clearly and come to some degree of acceptance. life goes on. i either give in, give up or i slow down, make some sense of it all, take a deep breath and try it again. the more i use this strategy, the sooner it's gonna become second nature for me. oh, and the dope isn't really workin, is it?!! maybe it'll take you away but i know you know it's only for as long as the high lasts. our problems are still there. try something different. try something that will last. you keep coming around here. it can happen for you. obviously you're concerned - YOU'RE HERE. i'm proud of you for that. we're all proud of you. we love you because you hurt. we all hurt. we care because it's our nature to do so now. you're gonna be okay. go into the bathroom, close the door, look at yourself in the mirror and say, aloud - "I'm going to make it through this. Not really sure how right now. but that doesn't mean that i can't."

[CrackQuack]

I don't know if this helps or not, but whenever I am upset (angry, sad, etc.), my Mom will automatically ask what she did wrong. Even if I am pleasant to her and don't snap at her, she can tell when I am upset and she asks me what she did wrong. THAT annoys the crap out of me. It's not her, I have to assure her over and over. She has Bipolar. I guess part of it tells the person it's always all about themselves. I don't know.. Wish I understood it better, but I get so frustrated when she asks me that, I do everything I can not to show emotion to her, other than happiness. And when all I do is that, she asks me why I never cry or get angry in front of her.. *SIGHS* I can't win for losing... hahahaha