Step 1

[Gmoney]

Welcome Megan! Keep coming back.

[GameOver]

I saw these questions on page one and decided to fill them out for myself to see how well I'd do. Pretty insightful stuff. I've posted them here to share with all of you.. let me know how you think I did. I do understand I need more work just yet. Now mind you I am creeping up on 4 days now with not a single drink, not a single pill..No smoking of weed either.


1. What does the disease of Addiction mean to me? - Its something that has been gripping my life for a long, long time. I never thought of it as a disease much.. What it means now is that I really need and want to change. Rid myself of this disease for once and for all. It means having to hide my use. Hope I never get caught. I have enough stress in my life to have to worry about this disease on top of it.

2.Has my disease been active recently? How? - Well when I started my detox, I really wanted to take another pill to be rid of the pain.. But the pain is all in my head. I have more confidence in myself when I'm not on something. Just one thing I don't have to worry about anymore..

3.What is it like when I am obsessed with something?Does my thinking follow a pattern?Describe - When I am obsessed with something I have to give it my all. Really want to have it. And get it as soon as possible.

4.How does the self centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me? - I stop thinking about everything when I'm high. My worries go away. And I shut myself out from the rest of my family members. When they deserve to have me in part of their lives as much as I want them in mine.

5.How have I blamed others for my behavior? - Of course I've blamed others.. lashed out when people were asking me to do something when I was high.. or if people critcized me I would lash back out at them and say nothing is wrong with me.. When there truly was all along.

6.Do I feel I have enough info. on addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand? - I am not going to let it get out of hand anymore. And I am researching the information now as we speak and talking to folks with similar problems under SR.com. I may even go to one of these meetings on Monday.

7.What crisis brought me to recovery? - Well I have to grow up and be sober to land a job. Everyone drug tests.. But it's not even that anymore. I want to be clean for me.

8.When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem?Did I try to correct it?If so, how? If not, why? - I never knew I had a real problem till I realized addiction was part of my life everday, every minute. Eating those pills was like being in cloud 9 all day long.. But it's not how I wanted to live anymore. I have tried to correct it once or twice down the line.. here and there.. But I always went back after a period of time. Just cause I didn't care anymore.

9. Over what exactly, am I powerless? - Hopefully nothing anymore.. but I still have a ways to go. I was obviously powerless to stop when I should have years ago.

10.How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself and others? - I didn't strive hard enough to be what I always wanted to be.. And because drugs (now) and alchohol (when I was younger) I did what I had to do just to get wasted whenever I had free time. Thats what It came down to. I never strived harder to do something greater. And now it's hurting me and my family. I could be supporting them with a good job now.. but it's never too late to start fresh again. And I will now.

11.What does being unmanageable mean to me? - The lack of control and capability to handle an idea, or a task at hand.

12.Did I take drugs or act out on my addictionto change or harbor my feelings?What was I trying to change or hide? - When work I smoked weed to relax after a hard days work. Watched movies and had better concentration (I think) when playing video games. I doubt thats really the reason now. I guess I did all of this stuff to hide my past and an abusive relationship with my step-father.

13.Have I accepted the full measure of my disease? - Not yet but I am coming to terms with it. Thanks to this site and all the helpfull information I have received in the past 4 days.

14.Do I think I can still associate with people connected with my addiction? - Well my brother uses Roxi's all the time. I have no choice but to associate with him. He's where I was getting the majority of my recent DOC fix. I don't really know anyone else so I don't think that will be an issue at the present time.

15.Can I begin my recovery without complete surrender? - No. Not at all.

16.In what ways am I practicing open mindedness? - Listening to other peoples problems and asking questions. People with similar or different problems than mine.

17.Am I willing to follow my sponsors direction? - Don't have a sponsor yet.

18. Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society? What is that sense? - Well I hope one day my parents can finally be proud of something I did.. other than something small.. and I want my two brothers to look up to me. And I hope my old friends will one day see that I have changed.

19. Have I made peace with the fact that I am a addict? - Still coming to grips with it.. But yes. I am an addict. I have a addictive personality. And that needs to change.

20. Have I made peace with the things I will have to do to stay clean? - Well it won't be too hard for me. Stay away from people who use and stay out of the medicine cabinet. In practical terms.. these seem like pretty minute details to handle..

21. How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my recovery? - If I don't relate to having a problem then I will fall right back into the ways of the past. I must understand that I am an addict and that I can no longer do these things. For myself. For my family. For my health. For just about everything in my life. I am upset that it took this long to come to terms with it and actually try to live a sober life. But it's never too late I suppose.

22.How do I know it is time to move on? - As Rage Against The Machine once said.. 'What better place than here? What better time than now!!

23.What is my understanding of Step One? I was powerless to stop myself and that led to my years of addiction. If I were.. I wouldn't be in this situation right now.

[Gmoney]

17.Am I willing to follow my sponsors direction? - Don't have a sponsor yet.

Hi GameOver, welcome to SR. In NA, it is suggested that we do step work with a sponsor. A sponsor is a guide through the steps. Please don't rush yourself or get offended, but I'm sure after you've read the 1st step in the Basic Text and attended meetings, your answers will differ.

Keep coming back.

[GameOver]

Well we shall see then!! I was only trying to find some insight for myself. I'm in no rush.. I'm finding the tools on this sight very useful for me. What the weird thing was tho.. That was the easiest and hardest thing for me to fill out and it all just flowed out.

I'm off to a meeting on Monday night possibly then I will take it from there.

[Missybuns]

Gameover you are on the right track! Step work starts with step one and your determination is apparent!

It is suggested to work steps with a sponsor, after all it is difficult to spot self-deception on our own.

1. dont use
2. pay attention

Meetings led me to finding a sponsor.

Press on!
Missy

[georgena]

Originally Posted by luvslife81

I was addicted to methadone for 2 1/2 years and I quit cold turkey. My sobriety date is Sept. 18, 2007. I thought I had really bad back problems and I was on pain medicine anyway but I had some tests done and found out that there wasn't anything wrong after all. So I quit my pain meds cold turkey and my sobriety date from them is Nov 3, 2007. I told my husband that I wasn't going through the withdrawals again. So I started doing shots of tequila to take the edge off. During this time I cheated on my husband. Something I would have never done if I didn't get involved with drugs. I wish I could turn back time and fix it but I know everything happens for a reason. Now I'm on suboxone and he keeps them for me because if they're in my possession I abuse them. The other day I got his keys and got 6 of them out and didn't ask or tell him about it right then. I told him about 2 days later but the point is that I did tell him. He got really mad at me and said that if just one came up missing then him and my son were going to stay somewhere else for a while. He said that he doesn't see a change in my behavior. That's the only slip up that I've had. I haven't relapsed or anything. I'm so glad that I found this site because I'm not much for talking on the phone. How do you get your loved one to trust you again? Now since I cheated on him, he's wanting revenge on me. He's trying to find someone on the internet that wants to have a fling. Part of me feels like I owe it to him because of all the hurt that I've caused him but then another part of me wonders how he could hurt this family more than I already have. What should I do? I'm just all confused.
I was the type that I didn't want to ask anyone for help but when I tried to come off methadone by myself (before he found out I was taking it) and couldn't do it; I knew I had a problem but wasn't sure how to ask for help. I prayed to God to get me off of it and he let my husband catch me again. I went to an outpatient rehab and completed it. I've gotten to where I can ask for help it I need it and I know that I was poweless over my addiction. But now some days are better than others. I hope everyone has a great week and thanks for listening.

hi really admire u getting of meth by yourself how much were u on keep up the good work you husbang should count him self lucky to have a strong woman hold your head up high your cool and tips on detoxing?

[stylist09]

Originally Posted by Doug

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

i am out of control, i am powerless over my addiction, i am no longer in control of my life, the drugs control my everymove.

[ryansgirl]

how do you start the steps

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by ryansgirl

how do you start the steps

Hi Ryansgirl,

Welcome to SR!

In Narcotics Anonymous, is it suggested that the first thing we do is stop using drugs and start attending NA meetings. You don't have to be clean when you first arrive, but it is important to know that the steps won't work if you're still using. As they say, keep coming back and come back clean because that's the only way it works. While listening at meetings, you'll hear members sharing their experience, strength and hope (ES&H) on how they recover using the 12 steps. From these members, it is also suggested that you get a sponsor to guide you through the steps. At meetings you'll be able to get an NA Basic text and other literature to assist you in doing your step work.

The best way I learned to get started - during the meeting the chairperson will ask if there are any newcomers. That's when you can say, "Hi...my name is_________ and I'm looking for a sponsor!"

That's how you get started.

Be blessed,
Gmoney

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by stylist09

i am out of control, i am powerless over my addiction, i am no longer in control of my life, the drugs control my everymove.

Have you tried going to NA meetings?

[truuli]

i'm new... trying to post. I've relapsed after 5 1/2 years sober and really need some help.. is there a special thread for those of us who have relapsed? I feel like I am fumbling about the website right now.... any suggestions would be appreciated!

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by truuli

i'm new... trying to post. I've relapsed after 5 1/2 years sober and really need some help.. is there a special thread for those of us who have relapsed? I feel like I am fumbling about the website right now.... any suggestions would be appreciated!

Hi Truuli, welcome to SR!

Sorry to hear about your relapse, but hope is alive and well. You might wanna try going to the Home Page and reading the names of the different Forums here at SR. I can't recall all of them exactly, but there's one for newcomers, introductions, alcoholics (AA), Narcotics (NA), and Substance Abuse. This is a "sub-forum" for discussion on the 12 steps (step 1), but if you're looking for ES&H related to drug addiction, I'd suggest you post in the Narcotics Addiction Forum (just click "new thread") and introduce yourself. There's a lot of experience, love and support there waiting for you.

Come on in...the water is fine.

Be blessed,

G

[ldani]

I know the more i work step 1 i realize i am powerless in more then just my addiction. i am powerless in how my family reacts to my use, and now my recovery. no matter what i do they will think and feel and do what they want. and right now they are still in a place where they are constantly scrutinizing everything i do. they go to alanon they understand the recovery i am working to an extent. but i swear to you the other day my mom actually said " i think you might be having to much fun with your na" seriously she said these words to me. and last night i went to a na dance and she said since i was gone for 12 hours it was like 12 meetings so i should be good for the rest of the week. lol, so today i am realizing i can't make her ubderstand or make her like what i am doing i am powerless over her and how she is going to react. and thats a big deal for me to understand that before i would have just really blown up on her but today with na i have realized that won't do anything and i have to look at what role do i play and i know its from years upon years of lies so i just give it time.

thanks family
Dani

[Missybuns]

welcome Dani! sounds like you are getting real and that's recovery!

Peace,
Missy

[Wolfchild]

i made this step very difficult for me to experience. i wrote on it with the thought that my problem was just the drug use. i had reservations that i could eventually control my life again, that if i could just figure out a better way to do things that i'd be OK, and that my life could return to "normal".

These are the very things that not only made my physical life unmanageable, but also my emotional health, my mental stability, and my spiritual condition! That God for my sponsor!! He was able to see and hear that i was in denial and trapped in self delusion. He helped me to thouroughly see, beyond all shadow of doubt, that i am not my addiction. i was not born an addict and that there was a time when my life was manageable. He helped me to understand the influence that self deceit and arrogance was having on me during this step.

The lessons i learn about myself and the disease of addiction helps to simplify my life. As i practice this step, that initial admission continues to turn into genuine acceptance. Something that i had thought was a sign of weakness has now become my greatest strength. i am an addict. i will always be an addict because of what i have done. i cannot undo that or change it any way. i can only hope to recover what i can each day by living this step and depending on a power greater than myself to help me live.

[CaTzZ]

woah .... powerless to our addictions ... in what respect ..i take my choice ov drug in a controlled manner much as i would a prescription off a doctor ,.. the difference is .. the doctors want to smack me up . whilst my choice is to motivate me .. so u tell me who s rite ?

[Gmoney]

I guess you're not an addict then, eh? And, if not, why are you here?

This is a 12 Step Discussion forum. For starters, if you have no understanding of Step 1, you can easily pick up an NA Basic Text and read it for yourself. And if you're confused about whether you're an addict or not, I suggest reading NA IP # 7.

Keep coming Back.

[Missybuns]

Originally Posted by CaTzZ

woah .... powerless to our addictions ... in what respect ..i take my choice ov drug in a controlled manner much as i would a prescription off a doctor ,.. the difference is .. the doctors want to smack me up . whilst my choice is to motivate me .. so u tell me who s rite ?

I am a recovering addict. In recovery I have learned, I am in my own way when I seek to be right and to seek approval to justify my own self-righteousness. Just knowing this about myself gives me a freedom I can't describe in words.

I'm a grateful member of Narcotics Anonymous. In the beginning, I made an effort to disqualify myself by siting differences to set me apart from other addicts. One of the best things I've had the opportunity to learn in NA, is to look for similarities rather than differences.

Gmoney brings the all important question to light.

Ask yourself "am I an addict?"

Willing to help,
Missy

[Gmoney]

"We believed that if we tried long and hard enough, substituted one drug for another, switched friends, or changed our living arrangements or occupations, our lives would improve. These rationalizations repeatedly failed us, yet we continued to cling to them. We denied that we had a problem with drugs, regardless of all evidence to the contrary. We lied to ourselves, believing that we could use again successfully. We justified our actions despite the wreckage around us resulting from our addiction...

Perhaps we arrived in NA without recognizing the problems we had for what they were. Because of our self-centeredness, we were often the last ones to realize that we were addicts." - IWH&W, pg. 7 - 8 (Step One)

[msconjure]

I love the way that was put!is there really any help for some one who doesnt use often and then when they do,they are a train wreck in progress? and does anyone ever truly recover?am i destined to never truly trust me to not use?

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by msconjure

I love the way that was put!is there really any help for some one who doesnt use often and then when they do,they are a train wreck in progress? and does anyone ever truly recover?am i destined to never truly trust me to not use?

Hi Msconjure,

Welcome to SR. I have so many thoughts in my head to address your questions, but the 1st one that comes to mind is a question itself: Are you an addict? This is a question only you can answer, yet your answer will will determine whether any of your other questions require answering (IMO).

In NA, it isn't how often we use drugs that makes us addicts...it isn't which drugs we used or how much. It's when we get caught up comparing ourselves and our usage that we go deeper into denial and begin disqualifying ourselves from recovery. Initially, most of us had a very warped understanding of addiction and what it was to be "an addict." Stick around... you'll find that we addicts are a very varied bunch. IMO, anyone who uses drugs and asks the questions you've asked....well....

There is an IP (informational pamphlet) called "Am I An Addict?" that can help you decide. Here's a link:

http://www.na.org/admin/include/spaw.../IP/EN3107.pdf

am i destined to never truly trust me to not use?

I am a member of Narcotics Anonymous and a recovering addict. I've been clean for many years and I totally trust myself not to use. As a result of the NA program (the 12 Steps), the fellowship and a HP, I never have to use again. I suggest you try attending an NA meeting.

[Missybuns]

Originally Posted by msconjure

I love the way that was put!is there really any help for some one who doesnt use often and then when they do,they are a train wreck in progress? and does anyone ever truly recover?am i destined to never truly trust me to not use?

Yes there is help.

Yes we do recover.

Only you can answer the last question for yourself.


The way the last question is worded is not really a proper question; therefore cannot be answered directly with any sense. Can't make sense out of nonsense.
I say this, not to offend you but to help you realize points of clarity (answers) come with clear questions.

check out the "am I an addict?" Informational Pamphlet (IP) from Narcotics Anonymous.

Then decide if you need help and are willing to get that help.

Welcome to SR,
Missy

[Wolfchild]

Step One always seems to indentify those people who are comfortable in the grip of addiction and those who are desperate enough to find a new way to live!

i continue to live this step and apply it's principles because i am an addict who can be at the end of the road on any given day. i can form a resentment, an unrealistic expectation, and a reservation without even knowing it. Part of our problem as addicts is that we are exceptionaly skilled at self deception and we have a disease which convinces us to deny having it! When these two are in combination with each other, my perspectives change drasticaly, my emotions fluctuate wildly, and i'm off on a mission to find something outside myself to give me what i think i want. A sense of 'entitlement' forces me to continue with this, even though i am consciously aware of all previous experience i have had with being self obsessive. i try to go back to my old patterns of lying, cheating, stealing, etc... Others can see this and are affected by it way before i realize what kind of damage i'm doing. Fear can grow beyond my ability to accept it and surrender it so i can stop what i'm doing and change direction. My willingness to recover opens the door to to be honest about my attitudes & behavior and ask for help. i begin to get better because i can't do it alone and knowing that deep in my heart gives me a freedom that changes my life.

When we share our personal hope with each other, it awakens a desire to stop using and find a new way to live. When we live as powerless individuals we begin to place our lives in the care of a power greater than our disease. Instead of denying our addiction, we accept it. Instead of refusing that we have a problem, we surrender it. We feel a sense of belonging that many of us spent our entire lives trying to find. We need not be alone ever again. We can begin to recover together.

[utopia807]

that i am powerless to my minds influence rendering my life unmaneagable when i identify as my thoughts. This simple acknowledgement now opens me to life influencing and guiding my life.

[slo2lrn]

My way of thinking:

1. I need help
2. Help exists
3. I'm gonna get help

Some like me have to translate God-talk into spiritual, non-religious terms. The word God doesn't bother me but it doesn't work for me, either.

slo2lrn