Wish my 1st Thread could be Positive

[upanddownjj]

This is the 3rd time I've started this thread..It has disappeared b4 my eyes and I fporget what I wrote...
anyway - I will enter it quicker this time & add to it...
I feel like crap today !!! Don't even want to take my dog across to the Beach..she wants so badly to go...............

Janni - I'll add on in case this goes kaput again

[upanddownjj]

I have been rapid cycling within the day..not to extremes, but on the low side so that I don't have any energy and motivation and I'm beating myself up !!! I have to get out there and work..my debts are piling up, I have so0 many things I'm behind on and I know that I can't eat an elephant in one bite, but today it's just too much..
I want to just stay in !!!! I lied to 2 pple today to change appt until tomorrow and my POOR DOG....I feel so guilty !!!!!!!!!!!!! I really need to cry, but I am one of those pple who hates to reach out and loves to support others..I know better and have gone thru stages when I reach out to my mentors..but right now I'm not 'cause I havent followed their suggestions (ha ha)......

Janni

[Wolfstarr]

Well go ahead and cry Janni.

I am glad you are reaching out and expressing yourself here.
Sometimes it is just too much. Ask yourself this:
Am I doing good for me by staying in?
What is it that I fear by going out?
Am I just tired, fatigued?

Anyway just some thoughts. Your Dog will be just fine while you get through this, Janni. BTW, is that a pix of your dog in your avatar? I LOVE boxer's.
My sister has one and she's a hoot. She's 6 months old and a holy terror, but soooo very affectionate and loving.
They are great animals, aren't they?

I wish you a good evening and calming, quiet thoughts. Come back and post and just keep posting, it does help!
Prayers and Peace,
WS

[upanddownjj]

I was just coming back to say something positive - thot the negativity was why noone answered..I'm so grateful you did...I am so used to providing support to others and "being a good Sponsor" and good example of Sobriety" in AA, that my Mental Heath problems don't have a place there..many old timers don't understand that mental illness is a separate issue of brain chemistry that any amount of Step work cannot "cure" as some have said..So I have difficulty reaching out there...
I have a mental Health Support Group that my Dr. runs, but the people there have so many more issues than I do, that it is difficult for me to get alot out of it..not that I feel superior..I am open-minded and listen hard for any "gems" I can glean..I know fm AA that I always learn SO MUCH from the New Comers..(Hope it is OK to talk about AA here - it is so much of my life experience)
I actually Have done some positive things today..Dishes, breakfast....................see - up for a few secs then down again...I HATE THIS !!!!!!
I love my dog - had Boxers all my life - she's a retired Canadian Champ - 6 yrs....puppys are a REAL handful..Really important to train boxers well or it is a life of ****.....but love

thanks again - sorry to ramble - really needed this

Janni

[BSPGirl]

I am so used to providing support to others and "being a good Sponsor" and good example of Sobriety" in AA, that my Mental Heath problems don't have a place there..many old timers don't understand that mental illness is a separate issue of brain chemistry that any amount of Step work cannot "cure" as some have said..So I have difficulty reaching out there...

This site I go to on regular basis, SMART Recovery, it has a lot of techniques from REBT, which is used in many professional therapy settings, you're free to have a look over there and combine it with AA you're involved in. Of course it's no magical 'cure' either but it somehow changes the way you look at things. You'll find out that prolly many irrational beliefs run thru your mind. It's hard work but the ideas/techniques are relatively easy. In my profile you can find a link.

I hope you feel better today.

Marte

[PaperDolls]

Janni -- My brain isn't working very well today but I wanted you to know you're not alone. I can relate to the negative feelings you have. In fact, I almost started a thread today called.

"Do you ever..."
Just not care about anything?

I decided it was really negative so I didn't post it but that's how I would sum up all of those feelings. For me I think too much and then get way too overwhelmed and then just don't do anything, even if I have made commitments to do them. Then I feel bad about myself and lazy. I feel like I'm proving others right.

It's such a horrible circle of negative thoughts.

I'm sending some good thoughts your way today.
~doll

[upanddownjj]

Thanks doll...The cycle starts again !! Woke up feeling great !!!..Now I just don't want to go out to do the things I need to do..I have left out part of my story..I have been caring for my ex fiance who had a VERY severe Stroke 3 yrs ago..I lived with him until I almost cracked up and by that time he was pretty self sufficient..He had come out of the wheelchair learned to walk and was learning to talk again & dealing with his rt side paralysis..(49 when had stoke - jock)..Well now he has severe seizures and is the sleep apnea record holder (4 mins ) and his low oxygen has set him back so far that the improvement he made on his speach is going backwards...I have always been his medical advocate 'cause I'm the only one who understqands him...He has a sister who never helped - even when I begged her for respite when I was living with him.The bottom line was when My sponsor and other mentors told me I had to get out - He would not write a will - figured it would jinx him and he would die...I'd be left hi & dry (he was supporting me 'cause I couldn't work AND care for him)..Anyway - I got better for a while - working again, bought a new vehicle, went to Mexico for a break.Came home in March to find him in this horrible condition with his apnea and noone doing anything about it..So 3-4 Specialists appts/week..Care-taking, Care-taking & suckd right back in..
I just can't walk away fm him in this condition...Now I feel really trapped again because he has been paying my rent & car pmts so I owe him $$$ and I am so burned out & depressed I just can't get my but in gear to go dig up work..I just want to stay home & hide...Meanwhile I'm lying to him - telling him - Oh yes, I went to the office today....I hate myself !!!!!
I"M TRAPPED and I feel I just have to sell a house to get out of this mess, but can't get the energy...My Doc is back fm holidays , but I can't get in till the 11th..I've asked for a cxlation...even he says I have to get out...But how can I..I can't just LEAVE HIM ALONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Janni

[PaperDolls]

Wow Janni -- Sounds like a big mess. I wish I had some good ideas for you. I'll send some good thoughts your way.

[shutterbug]

Janni - you can only do so much. Try not to beat yourself up when you can't get to that zillion page to-do list. It will be there tomorrow and the next and then next. My wonderful therapist gave me a wonderful affirmation to help me when I am stressing about having too much to do and not enough time/energy. It is this:

"I am on God's time...therefore I have all the time I need."

It has become a daily mantra for me now. If I need to rest - I rest. If I need to take a minute to breath - I breath. If I need to let my brain goof off to reduce my stress - then I go zombi-ish

I just concentrate on what my body is telling me and I prioritize what absolutely HAS to get done...and if I feel like doing anything else after that...well, I take it one step at a time.

Your dog will not be mad if he/she doesn't get to the beach every day.

Lift your chin, think about the unique and wonderful things that make you special, and above all....remember that you are human and therefor NONE of us are perfect or without fault...so allow yourself to be human as much as you possibly can.

Don't know if any of that makes sense or fits for today...but those were the thoughts that came to mind when I opened your thread...

Hugs,
Jenna

[upanddownjj]

That was exactly what I needed to hear - When I tell myself those things it just doesn't ring true when I'm down & overwhelmed...
I hate how my ego doesn't want to let on how poorly I feel...I made such progress coming out of the deep dark hole, that I "thought I was cured" and so I don't want anyone to suspect I may be going back there...
Mind you - who's opinion really matters but mine, but I just don't want to deal with the BS
Maybe if you read my other thread you will see the other pressures I'm dealing with (taking care of Stroke victim)..some days it is just TOO MUCH.

I'm going to PM u about something else too..just for your opinion thx


Janni - Thx for your support