Suicidal Ideation

[felicity]

Most of the time I'm a very confident, happy person who genuinely likes herself and understands other people on a deep level.

However, sometimes, for no apparent reason whatsoever, I decide that it's best if I kill myself. I get extremely depressed and think of using hard drugs and committing suicide, and it takes several hours for these thoughts and feelings to go away. I don't talk to anyone when I feel like this ... no one ... because I know from experience that it makes things worse, in addition to giving them ammo to use against me in the future (labelling me "crazy" and whatnot). I just keep it to myself, get over it eventually, and move on.

What I'm wondering is, is this normal? Do most people have moments of intense suicidal despair that they don't tell people about? I know that people are usually pretty fake, I'm not naive, but I'm not sure how many people are hiding similar feelings like these.

Anyway, just throwing this out there ....

[upanddownjj]

Hi there - I know, I know and it hurts so bad...Right now I am OK...I have had Bi Polar (Mostly Severe Depression) for 10 yrs now and used to feel that way all the time - so afraid to tell anyone my crzy thoughts, but guess what...I found someone I could really trust...A Sponsor in AA finally, but a counsellor or someone at a church - do you have someone you can trust ???

Anyway - what I discovered was that once I told her how I felt - I was free of it...the danger of me acting on it disappeared ..I have never actually acted on any of the impulses..but they scared me to death (ha ha)[black humour]

If you don't have anyone there to speak with...Please always come here to SR..there are many people who identify and have been there..Here is where you can say anything you want and no one thinks you're crazy, we are not judged here, we are on a journey of recovery TOGETHER !!!

you can private message me anytime...xoxo Janni

[upanddownjj]

Forgot to say - I had to find someone who understood mental illness and actually had experience with it..If you haven't been there, it's only book knowledge....

Janni

[ranae1221]

What I'm wondering is, is this normal

I don't know if it is normal or not, but I struggle with those thoughts and urges almost daily. Usually it's just the thoughts "i hate being alive but not enough to kill myself today".

You sound alot like myself. I also am succesful (or at least I am told so for my age), work as a social worker (although I don't have the degree to go with it) and am great at helping others, but still have very negative feelings about myself (that I am never good enough, no matter how much good I may do in the world).

Most people would be totally shocked by the way I often feel and some of the things I do (self injury). It is hard for me to confide in anyone about how I feel because I don't want to "destroy" the image of what they have of me.

When the feelings get really really intense (like they did this last Friday), I find the best thing for me to do is 1) tell myself to wait untill tomorrow to do anything and 2) take my meds and go to bed early. I also started seeing a new counselor a few weeks ago and am still getting to know her before I know whether or not we "mesh" well.

[Ngokpa]

I used to have that problem. I've been in recovery a long time and I've had to do a lot of work just to be comfortable in my own skin. I won't say the thought never crosses my mind--I had a lot of problems when I was younger, and I don't see that going away completely--but I've stuck around long enough to where things happened. I'm not bragging--desperation is a great motivator. It's good to be open to what might work, even if it sounds screwy. You never know.

[upanddownjj]

Good for You Jessica that you are holding it together...I was also VERY successful until Depression took me down 10 yrs ago - I hung on by my fingernails for a few years figuring I'd snap out of whatever it was, tried to hold onto my career until I couldn't, crashed & burned and was in bed for 4 yrs - wouldn't go to the hospital (couldn't take my dog- ha ha) I'm still slowly but surely trying to get back to work, but I just don't have the energy or motivation...still a work in progress I guess, but I'm glad to be functional..
Progress not perfection....There is a saying tho...We are a sick as our secrets...We need to find SOMEONE to tell..and this site is such a God-send isn't it???? Do you feel some relief when you put it out here ??

Janni

[ranae1221]

and this site is such a God-send isn't it???? Do you feel some relief when you put it out here ??

My only regret is that I didn't find it sooner!! This is such an awesome place, I don't know what I would do without it!

[upanddownjj]

This is my ""I'm FINE, Everything is just FINE" face..I hate it when It gets stuck sometimes..

[BSPGirl]

I think it's pretty normal, most ppl just don't talk about such things.

Marte

[PaperDolls]

I've had thoughts like that myself. But, with that said, I do not think it is normal at all. I hope you are seeing a doctor Felicity, and if so you should tell him/her of your feelings. I don't think it's good to keep them in. May be the Doc could even figure out what's going on and why you are having these thoughts.

I applaud you for coming here to share them. I know it's hard to do. I just recently was completely honest with my doctor about my morbid thoughts. Probably makes you feel a little better, I sure felt better.

One of the greatest things about SR is that we won't hold anything against you or call you crazy. Personally, I'm just hear to listen and give advice if I can. I hope you're having a wonderful day.

I'm here to listen anytime!

~doll

[upanddownjj]

HOW ARE YOU TODAY FELICITY ????
We are all here for you...I agree with doll !!! It is NOT Normal and it is really important to have a Doctor involved...It is a matter of Brain Chemistry, not a moral issue..When our brains tell us these sorts of things..they are not working properly - the Chemistry is off and we really need medical attention...

Let us know how you are today

Lots of HUGS !!

Janni

[BSPGirl]

I'm not saying they're good or that you should act upon those thoughts, but I really think we all have had dark thoughts at some point in time, nobody's happy 24/7, as long as you know how to deal with those episodes, then a lot of the 'problem' is solved already. Also I think it's comforting to know many ppl struggle with one thing or another at some point in their lives, makes you feel less alone.

Marte

[upanddownjj]

Just so you know BSPGirl - The symptoms that have been discribed are not just "dark thoughts"..I do know what you mean though..Normal people have up days and down days...but thoughts like this of Killing oneself are NOT normal, and if you have had them yourself it might be a good idea to mention them to your doctor, just to be on the "safe" side...It is a matter of the intensity and unless a person has actually been there, they cannot recognise it..When I was in that place, family and other well meaning people told me to "just snap out of it"..That only made the self loathing worse, and the feeling that I should be able to...It is not possible to "snap out of it" when a person is Clinically Depressed"..and it is VERY Dangerous to ignore it...
I have several friends who are no longer here because they did not seek medical attention..Just for your info.....Janni

[BSPGirl]

Suicide ideation is fantasizing about suicide, it never implies the person is ever gonna try it for real, so for me it classifies as dark thoughts. I lost ppl to suicide too.

Marte

[upanddownjj]

OK - I know what you mean - depending on whether it is a self diagnosis or a doctor's diagnosis...After being there myself and not acting on it myself when I had the strong impulses, my doctor told me that it was not just ideation and got me on correct meds...I am not a doctor, I was just identifying with the discribed symptoms, not the title...Don't mean to be argumentative, just commenting on my own experience..Sometimes I get a little defensive about that since I experienced so much dismissal when I was in that place..
Appreciate your point of view....Have a great day !!!! Janni

[michski]

yes, I've had moments like that.. especially when I was using cocaine. I'd be driving down the road and think about smashing my car head on into a tree... My life was so out of control at that time that I now think taking my own life was probably the ONLY power I had.

This is a scary world to live in today and I don't think that suicide crossing your mind is crazy. All kinds of crazy thoughts enter my mind on a daily basis... maybe I'm nuts but if I am I like it!
I do believe you should talk the whole thing out with a professional though. He/She may have some interesting take on it.

[doorknob]

I have severe OCD/anxiety. When I sober up, it overwhelms me, and I become very depressed, and self hating. I'm not sure if I'm suicidal, but I have thoughts of severely injuring my myself, and sometimes do act on them. The last time around, I took a running start and head butted a door. I wanted to knock myself out. It didn't work, but it took 2 weeks for the chiropractor to straighten out my neck and upper back. I've been alcohol free for two weeks, and I can feel the tension building up like steam in a pressure cooker. I had a meltdown at work last night, almost drank, and had intense urges to hurt myself. I also have frequent thoughts that when my aging dog dies, I want to go with him.

[upanddownjj]

Thanks mich...I agree and know about the cocaine Depressions...I just saw the part when she said "hours"....I'm sure that may be all it is if she is in early recovery..didn't know that...Agree that Dr. is the only one who would really know..Especially an Addictions doctor who would be familiar with the Cocaine kind..so unneccecary overmedication doesn't happen - I've heard of that too if you don't have a good doctor..Some are too into OVER medication - just to "shut us up" ha ha...Thanks for your input
Bottom line I guess is that none of us are Doctors and we are all just expressing our peronal Experiences and Opinions....Wowo - I can sure stay on here longer than I meant to, I learn soooo much on this site...
Have a great day !!!! Janni

[BSPGirl]

It's ok, I'm not offended at all. I think ppl are pretty capable of judging whether a problem is serious enough to consult a dr, or to just talk to a friend or just remain silent about it, it's all about personal choices. I think.

Marte

[PaperDolls]

I've got negative thoughts about myself whether I'm drinking or not. In fact, I think they were worse when I was drunk. I don't know. Interesting that many of you say they are not their when you are drinking. Well, may be alcohol isn't your DOC.

[upanddownjj]

Drinking was my way to "not FEEL"..even if I went on a crying jag when I was drunk (not often)..It was still not real "feelings
Cocaine was my way to "cure" my depression
All mind altering substances i used to change the way I felt, but they only masked the feelings and stunted my emotional maturity right where I started using..when I sobered up - I had the "emotional" maturity of a 12 yr old..when I took my first drink..
xoxo Janni

[BSPGirl]

Alcohol is a depressant, really it only enhances bad thoughts.

Marte

[PaperDolls]

I often drank not feel -- I do understand that for sure. I just know that it never worked for me. I mean, at the time, it did.......I felt nothing........until the next day. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

How are you doing today Felicity?

[ranae1221]

I've been alcohol free for two weeks, and I can feel the tension building up like steam in a pressure cooker. I had a meltdown at work last night, almost drank, and had intense urges to hurt myself.

Doorknob- what are some ways you can cope with those thoughts and the tension, without giving into drinking or hurting yourself? Is there anything you do that helps relax you or take your mind off things for awhile? I know how overwhelming feelings and tension can be sometimes, and it needs a way out or it will explode.

I have thoughts of hurting myself on a daily basis, however I have, over time been able to not give into those urges as much. When I become too overwhelmed the best thing for me is to distract myself from those thoughts for awhile.

When I feel the most like hurting myself, I will treat or pamper myself instead. I take myself to a funny movie, buy a new book I have been wanting, go get the high calorie fatty but oh-so delicous ice cream. I also like to paint, to just get that rage or pain out on paper. Mind you, I am no artist! And I do not show anyone my paintings. But it helps.

Watch a funny TV show that makes you laugh. "Friends" always works for me.
Get on the internet and play a game, something that is challenging and makes you think. Read a book that engrosses you, one that you just can't put down it's that good.

Last but not least, when none of those are working, I tell myself to not hurt myself untill tomorrow. If I can get through today without hurting myself, then I will "allow" myself to give in tomorrow. Then I try to do the same the next day, focusing on just getting through that day without hurting myself. Also, I want to get another tattoo, and so I use that as an incentive to not give into hurting myself. I will "reward" myself with a tattoo if I can go 3 months without hurting myself. (Haven't gotten there yet).

Also, I see a therapist and doctor to help keep my moods in check. My therapist is the only one right now (besides here) that I can really talk to. Have you ever considered a therapist or counselor? They can help give you some skills to cope with the negative thoughts and urges.

Hang in there.....take it one day at a time.....and keep posting here! It does help!
The point is to just get through the moment

[michski]

Originally Posted by felicity

I don't talk to anyone when I feel like this ... no one ... because I know from experience that it makes things worse, in addition to giving them ammo to use against me in the future (labelling me "crazy" and whatnot). I just keep it to myself, get over it eventually, and move on.

....

Well, if you have a problem with drugs/alcohol I would keep your abuse and other self destructive thoughts in the hands of a professional. Certainly your loved ones will blow these questions of yours way out of proportion. It's not a subject a lot of people are curious about, but as you can see by the replies there is a lot of interest here!

Mythically speaking there are journeys in recovery that deal with visiting death as a means to change... Personally, I believe I tried as hard as I could to kill off the drunk and addict inside my own psyche. :firefight It feels a little uncomfortable to talk about this subject cuz we don't know eachother... but your statements about simply growing out of the thoughts and getting over it alone lead me to believe that maybe you're just taking one of those little trips to Hell and returning having left little parts of your unwanted self behind!

It's just not everyday conversation but I think it should be... after all death is one thing that IS gonna happen to ALL of us and CHANGE is another!!!