Suicidal Ideation

[GettingFree]

From the age of 14, the thought of suicide has played a role in my life. At 16, I did attempt it and survived. Since then, I have not had another attempt but it has been a persistent torment in times of pain and stress.

I know I will not attempt it. I am a mother, and I will not visit that kind of devastation on my children. I think I can safely say, their existence is the reason I still exist today. If not for them, there are many times I would have attempted again.

So here's my question. At times it goes away for periods, but in times of stress, it comes back. I get these existential thoughts about life, and the futility and meaningless of living when there is so much pain and suffering in the world -- and when, despite recovery, I still can't seem to 'get it right' and find the peace and contentment I'd like.

The thoughts go through my head, I have the means to do it, I visualize it, I run it through my mind, and I cry. So although I'm in no danger, the mental torment itself is awful.

Has anyone any experience? Any words of advice?

thanks,
gf

[Lilya]

Dear GettingFree,

I can relate to your feelings. I´ve had them many times in the course of my life ,but I also know I will not do it. I have simply fought too hard to give up on life. But when the pain strikes, I feel the urge.

What works for me is to think of children and my career and try to create a new idea to work on, a new place of travel to show them.

Sometimes I surrender to these thoughts I call "negative power". I say to myself: I am feeling this negative power today and I will let myself feel it. I tell people I´m unwell and I rest. I say to myself as well: It´s Monday. There will be a Tuesday. But for now, I am grieving and I have every right to.

I try to find a way to minimize the pain. I take a positive decision and I follow it through. Last time I felt this way I decided to go to China. I felt better already. And then I went there.

Thankfully, the time between each deep pain time is getting longer and longer. I keep busy and I try to be of service. Being of service is essential to me, because I need to know I´m doing something useful. That helps.

I take my agenda out and I decide to do something creative and engage in anew activity, such as a new kind of dance, yoga, whatever makes me interested. I divide the year into 12 months, then six months, one months and weeks, finally days, and I tick off the little action steps it took me to realize my goals.

I hope this helps somewhat. Hang in there, life is full of surprises. Good ones.

Love and light,

[Morning Glory]

GettingFree,

I can only share my experience. It might not be the same for you. When I think back to the times I felt suicidal there were thought patterns and circumstances that were a part of it.

I'll try to list some of them from memory.

1. Losing a coping method that was outside of myself and that I had no control over. The coping method acted like a bandaid and masked a lot of my pain. When the coping method was gone the pain was intense. Too intense to handle.

2. Shame. I carried a lot of shame. Shame is different than guilt. Guilt tells us our actions are bad. Shame tells us that we are bad. I've struggled with intense shame attacks that made me feel too worthless to live. I could feel my pain and the pain of the world intensely when I was in the middle of a shame attack. What's the use? I'm useless and worthless and life is useless and worthless.

3. Anger. Having anger and turning it in against myself instead of directing where it belongs. Anger becomes shame in a strong way and made me want to self harm.

4. The feeling that life has no order. There is no plan and no purpose for being here. I have nothing to stand on. I'm being tossed around and have no direction. I have no control. I'm at the mercy of my pain and can't fix my pain or the pain of the world. I have nothing to hold onto and I'm in a freefall.

5. Being caught between a rock and a hard place for too long with no visible way out. Needing an escape.

6. Fear. Facing my painful memories and moving into unknown areas. Being terrified of what I might remember and what lies ahead.

7. Inability to feel happy because of past trauma. I am one step above despair and live in contentment most of the time without feeling happy. It doesn't take much to take me down to despair.

[ranae1221]

i have always had those feelings "i wish i weren't alive but i don't want to kill myself right now i just hate living". almost every day i feel and think like that. i have tried killing myself twice, and although have no plans to do this again (at least not any time soon) it is there all the time. after 5 years, years of therapy, countless medications, the bad days aren't quite as bad, but i think that i will always have these feelings untill i do die, no matter how or what or when it happens.

[GettingFree]

Your replies help. It helps even to know I am not alone in my thoughts. It took me a long time to be able to talk openly about my suicidal feelings with anyone but my therapist.

Lilya -- shifting the focus has worked for me sometimes. Getting engaged with something, making a plan. Sometimes it doesn't. But I like the idea of acceptance, of accepting that today I am feeling this negative power, tomorrow is another day.

MorningGlory - you've described a lot of circumstances that fit. Shame is central for me right now. Anger turned inward. And despair about life having no order. It's good to see this written out.

Ranae-- I have a sense that I too will feel this till I die ( hopefully, naturally). It has been such a persistent emotional accompaniment for 4 decades. It's hard to imagine never feeling it again. I have to learn how to manage it.