Not sure how to handle it...

[Mel77]

So I have been a member here for awhile. I joined because my girlfriend at the time is an addict. She suggested i join and thought maybe some things here would help. I didnt post, but i read, and now i need help.

We were together for almost 3 years, she has two children from previous relationships. I fell in love with her and the boys the moment i laid eyes on them. I considered the boys my own.

My problem is that we have since gone our seperate ways and i dont know how to deal with it. There is alot to the story, she relapsed, cheated, lied several times during our time together. I forgave her the best i could. Now she has a new guy that she is seeing and it is killing me. I dont get to kiss the boys goodnight, or tell them how much i love them. It is really hard when i see them now because i know i will just have to leave them again.

Friday night i took alot of pills and my sister-n-law found me. My family ended up calling 911 and i was taken to the er. My stomach was pumped and i was not aloud to leave until my parents agreed to take me home with them. So now i am staying at there house under constant supervision. I have a house of my own, but i cant stand to go to it because all i see is my old family. Everything reminds me of them.

I dont know how to get over the pain. I dont know how to get past wanting to hurt her the way she has hurt me. Any ideas would be great. Sorry this is so long.

Mel

[ranae1221]

hi mel,

i am so sorry for the pain you have been in.....3 years is a long time to love someone, and those feelings don't go away as fast as we may want them to.

have you looked into therapy or counseling? a good therapist can help you process those feelings and help you learn good ways to cope them them. staying away from your home right now sounds like a good plan. if you need some distance because the memories are too painful, then that is what you should do.

do you have health insurance? you can call the plan and see what benefits they have for counseling or therapy, they should also be able to give you some names that they are contracted with.

if you don't have health insurance, many of the local county mental health clinics offer services on a sliding scale fee according to your income. if you belong to a church, sometimes the churches also have counseling services.

you must be in a lot of pain right now.......i am not going to try to say "it'll get better" or " just give it time" because honestly, i don't like when people say that to me! but i would say give therapy a try.......what do you have to lose? Nothing!!! But you have a whole lot you could gain!

I hope you find some peace in your heart today....even if it is just for a minute or two....know that there are people who care....who haven't ever met you but still care!

keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing. if writing or venting helps, keep doing it! i have done that several times on here and always get kind replies. Plus it always feels better to get it out than keep it in.

[Aristo]

I hear you Mel - I am in a similar situation with my Ex. Everytime I come home, I expect to see her car in the driveway - But she is gone and that makes me sad.

My coucellor told me to get sober and I will realise that she wasn't right for me. I can't see that right now 100% - but it is getting there. I think I realise that if she truely loved me un-conditionally, as I did her, then she would still be around to support me and help me. So I guess (cause I have no way of knowing) that she either (a) Can't handle our situation and needs to do stuff for herself or (b) Doesn't really want to be with me.

It is very hard, I know.

My Advice - stop taking the pills - and seek help.

God bless.

[Mel77]

thanks you guys...

i think it is better to be away from the house right now. it really stinks that i have to stay with the folks, but at least they are there for me.

I am going to try and call some counselors tomorrow morning. It was part of the deal i made with the crisis guy at the er. Plus i know i have to get over this. It just seems like every time i feel a little better i learn something new that she did, or i think about the kids and how i cant be there for them right now. Time i know, but its the waiting part that stinks.

Aristo....

I only took the pills Thursday and friday. i just wanted to sleep through it all. I know it dosent make sense, but thats what i thought at the time.
Thanks for reply and i hope things get easier for you as well.

[Aristo]

Yeah, It helps to have supportive parents. I do and they have been absolutely fantastic. They still irritate me no end - But the support they have given me truely is amazing.

Things will work out - they always do ! One thing I have learn is to try and be totally totally honest with yourself. Sometimes this is not easy and an objective perspective is useful.

Good on you for seeing a councellor. But do it for YOU ! not because someone told you that you should go - My guess is that you will get a lot more out of it, if you do it for YOU!

Stay well,

Aristo

[BSPGirl]

AW, glad your folks are supportive. I hope you'll be ok and I think you will be, with or without the help of some 3rd party (like a counselor) that's all up to you, that's all in your hands, really.

[Lollipop]

Hi Mel!

Wow, this is a toughy and my heart aches for you! Finding a councelor is an AWESOME idea!!! They really can help!!! I sorda know your pain, I didnt lose the kids but lost the love and it was worse to me than if he had died, in other words, if he had (which Im glad he didnt) there would have been closure but the break up and having to hear about him was worse.......I hope that makes sense and doesnt sound too morbid! Anyhoo, I know Ive said this before and right now Im sure you are going to think...."Uh Huh.....easier said then done" but counciling and TIME will do wonders!!! In the meantime, keep your chin up and try to stay strong.....there is light at the end of what seems like an endless tunnel right now, but each day is a new one! Keep us posted, were all here for you!
Love Liss

[Mel77]

Thanks you guys.

i know time...time...time but man it seems like theres alot of that.

I have been trying to get her to remove her things from my house now for about 2 or 3 weeks. She tells me she dosent care and to throw them out. I didnt and dont want to do that, (i paid for most of it). So i emailed her last night and told her she had until tuesday night to get her stuff out or i was putting in the trash. Was that harsh? I dont think so, i think she has made this mess and she needs to take responsibilty and try and clean it up.

[Mel77]

so i have to figure out how to get o ver the anger. i cant seem to do it. all i want is for her to acknowledge the pain she has caused and care. i dont know how to accept that wont happen.

[Lilya]

Hi Mel,

I´ve been in this situation more than once and more than twice. It is always difficult no matter how much support you have - it just is.

But it will pass. Time works it´s magic.

Seeing a therapist or a councellor would be great because it´s good to get things sorted out with a neutral person.

Try to think that you are really meeting life as it is - not the way you want it to be. I have found this to be the best tool to break through this kind of adversary. Hang in there and take it one step at a time or as we say in Europe: "The next 24 hours." Remember, sometimes you need to go through the day by taking every 10 minutes at the time.

I wish you all the best. Remember, it will pass.

Love and light,

Use adversity

[Mel77]

Thanks guys...

So she has now broken off all means of communication from me. I have made her so mad texting and emailing that she has changed both. I felt like if i could just get an answer as to why she cheated, or why she lied it would make it easier to handle. She says its part of the addiction, but it just dosent seem to be enough of a reason. I dont guess i will ever know, or at least have a reason that seems to make sense.

I see a psychiatrist on Wed. and a therapist on Thursday, so hopefully that will get the ball rolling in the right direction.
I know time will heal is true, but i dont feel it now. Someday...

Thanks again
Mel

[ranae1221]

hi mel,

i hope today will be a better day for you!

it's is very difficult when a relationship ends, and you don't have that "why" part of it answered. not knowing is the worst kind of torture, in my opinion. you are left with millions of questions, and even become "obessive" about it. Or at least I did when my ex and I split. I had so many questions I wanted answered, and I thought that if he would just answer them, everything would be alright in my world again. But he has never answered them, even to this day. It has not been an easy thing to accept, knowing that I will likely never have the answers. But for my own sanity, I had to eventually accept it. That doesn't mean that I didn't greive the loss of him, and it took awhile to heal. There were many days I thought time stood still and I was going to be stuck in this moment, this pain forever. It's hard to see the light at the end when you are taking those first few steps. But we all have a choice. Grieve, learn to cope and move on, or stay right where we are, never moving forward.

it's good to hear that you are taking steps in the right direction towards healing.

take care

[Mel77]

Thanks ranae1221...
Hopefully tomorrow and Thurs. will help. I am praying anyway.

I have still caught myself texting her 3 times today. Its like an obsession to keep some form of communication between us. I dont understand how she can just move on so quickly. Its like one day she says i love you, then the next day i am leaving. I dont get it. All the questions are driving me crazy. I know i should listen to the advise of you guys, but i dont know how.

[Aristo]

Originally Posted by Mel77

I dont understand how she can just move on so quickly. Its like one day she says i love you, then the next day i am leaving.

Do you really want to be with someone that can be OK with this ?

[ranae1221]

well, if you really feel the need to text her or something, come here! whatever you are wanting to say, come here and say it.

[Mel77]

again thanks...

I have decided life will go on whether i do or not. So i will not call, email, or text anything bad again. I want to be a prt of the kids life, and as long as i am acting like a jerk, i will be absolutely no good to them.

I have also decided to stay at my parents for awhile longer and do some repairs on my house. That way when i do go home things will be a little different. Maybe that will help... Heres hoping.

Mel

[ranae1221]

sounds like a good plan!!

[shutterbug]

sorry if I repeat what others have said, but seeing a GOOD psychologist/psychotherpist (not just a generic counciler) is a great idea. Grief is real and it can affect our minds and body's in so many ways.

There are a ton of books with tons of helpful suggestions for those greiving to loss of a loved one through a relationship ending (or death) the greif is pretty much the same if you ask me.

What helped me get over the man I was addicted to was to write down all the thoughts I had about him and all the things I wanted to say to him if I could talk to him..and of course, all my friends were sick to death of hearing about our chaotic relationship. After a bunch of months journaling just about my overwhelming thoughts of missing him and being so hurt that he wasn't the person I had thought he was...I finally got tired of listening to my self talk about him and the relationship.

I haven't seen or heard from hime in about a year and a half and pulling myself out of his life and chaos was one of the more difficult things I've ever had to do (and is what began my spiral downhill into my deepest, darkest depression that lasted 2 years). I still think about him now and again - or my sister or dad think they have to tell me everytime they run into him or hear news of him (which pisses me off and hurts me as well).

But I'm past him and have been for a while - though I doubt that I'll ever be over him.

Also...I'm sure you're already posting in the Friends and Family forum, but there is a lot of things to be learned from the mountains of archived posts in that forum. Primarily of which, if your ex was/is an alcholic....run to the nearest Alanon meeting and get involved in that by going to as many meetings each week as you can make yourself go to. Get the books and read the topics in the back that may help you right now. Not only will you learn a ton about yourself and how to be happier and healthier in all your future relationships, but turning the hurt into something positive for your future and having something to keep your mind busy is the best remedy I could have ever imagined.

Hugs and God Bless,
Jenna

[Mel77]

Heres a little update...

Wed. i went to the phychiatrist, he took my paxil from 30 to 60 mg. a day. He said that should help with my depression, anxiety and the lovely OCD. We will see how that works...

Thurs. I went to the phycologist. She was pretty good. ( I have a hard time finding one i like). So i have an appointment again with her next Thurs. Now I just have to make myself talk to her. I think it will work out ok though...

As far as the ex. I emailed her and told her that i would not email, text or call with anything bad or mean. She accepted and actually took me off the ignore list on here...

She is coming this Sund. to pick up her things from my house. My problem with that is... I am staying with my folks still and my Mom in not happy with her. My Mom will not let me go to my house alone and so she wants to be there on Sund. when my ex comes... I dont want this, i dont want her there because it will start more trouble. So i am working on that, making my Mom understand i will be ok by myself that day. I really dont want the conflict between the two of them. Should be intersesting. I'll keep you posted.

Mel

[ranae1221]

glad that you were able to see the doc and new therapist! hopefully the increase in the Paxil will help a bit.

in my expierence, it can take at least several visits to begin feeling comfortable enough to start trying to open up to a new therapist. today was my 3rd visit with my new therapist, and we are still in the "getting to know you" type stuff. but, even just that little bit seems to help. i leave feeling a bit better than when i arrived.

i can see where your mom would be concerned about your ex showing up and you being there alone. is there anyone else that would be able to go with you that you wouldn't have to worry about being "mean" to your ex? another family member, a friend? that may be a good compromise.

i know seeing her on sunday is not going to be easy. keep us posted and hang in there!

[Mel77]

ranae1221

Well i thought about asking my sister n law, but i am afraid she too is not to happy with the ex. Actually, i dont know of nay one who isnt... So i have decided to go alone and just deal with it. I will help load and then that will be the end. I hope. I actually got pretty emotional today packing the rest of there things. It passed and i got it done, but man did it $uck....

[Mel77]

Another update and question...

She had her ex come pick up her things today. She had initailly said she would come (it is her stuff) but she changed her mind because she didnt want to take the chance of running into my mom. She is living with her husband (they have been seperated for 6 years or so) now with the kids. He is the one that came to get the stuff. He didnt have a trailer so now he has to come back tomorrow to get the rest.

My question is this... Do addicts ever take responsibility for the damage and pain they cause in others lives? Not just me, but the husband she is staying with? He looked completly drained today, like he was running on fumes. There are 7 people living in his house 5 of which are old enough and capable of working yet he is the only one who does. Will she ever step up to the plate and take responsibility for what she has done to people? She still has a guy she is stringing along from another state. Will it ever end? I hope so for the kids sake, they deserve more than this...

Melissa