Coping with a parent who won't admit a problem

[Dawn10]

My Mom, age 72, has borderline personality disorder, chronic depression and a myriad of physical ailments that necessitate her being in a nursing home. I am sure being in a NH complicates things. She has ALWAYS had a problem with boundaries. Looking back, I can see that as a family, we usually gave into her moods so as to avoid any outbursts. Now that she is confined and unable to do what she wants and thinks she has a right to do, no matter what, she is having major tantrums that involve much verbal abuse. My father, sees a counselor regularly to deal with her and I probably will soon, as well. I am 49 years old and still have guilt dealing with her. I just had to unplug my phone to avoid hearing her scream into my machine.
Is it wrong to cut off ties with her? I feel sorry for her in a way. I know she won't change, she thinks it is all our problems, that we are torturing her,etc. She has alienated us and many of her friends have stopped visiting her. She just doesn't see it. My Dad has asked the nursing staff to have the psychiatrist come in and re-evaluate her. Dad is leaving to visit my brother and family up north later next week and I will have responsibility for her laundry, etc. So I will need to touch base with her. It is awful to say, but I am nervous out of my mind. I guess I need to know if anyone has any similar experience and how you are or did deal with it.

[historyteach]

Well, thank goodness she's in a nursing home, and your contact will be limited. Sick or not, you have a right not to be abused. Turning off the phone is absolutely acceptable.
I would say to spend as little time as necessary with her. You needn't feel guilt, though I understand it. So, maybe it IS a good idea that you contact a counselor and learn how to set your boundaries without guilt.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sending prayers for you and for her...

Shalom!

[jcade]

Let me share this with you about parents. First of all we just pass through them we're not of them! In this I mean you are your on person,with your on thoughts and don't feel guilty for not wanting to see her.

If the laundry thing is getting you down ask an aide to have it ready for you,if not, let someone else go in for you! Don't associate this pain with your on life. We all have a payload that we can bare and I think you have reached your limit here.

Put yourself and your on precious sanity before her.

I wish you well and sometimes we all have to be selfish!

John:sigh1:

[ranae1221]

I would be curoius to know what the nursing home is doing to manage her behaviors. (I say this because I worked in a nursing home for 6 years)

Is she on any medication to help with the depression and agressive behaviors? Any signs or symptoms of dementia or confusion? (That can also cause behaviors). If she is not confused and fully alert, has the nursing home put any "limits" on her? What I mean by that is that they have told her if she continues with these behaviors she would have to leave and would end up in a nursing home equiped to handle behaviors? (This can sometimes "scare" a patient into cooperating)

As far as what you should do, you should do whatever is best for you. If that means you need to keep some distance, then that is what you should do. The behaviors will continue, wether you are there or not.

Is there a reason the nursing home does not do the laundry? If it is not possible to have them do the laundry and you absolutley (sp) have to do it, you could try calling the nursing home staff, ask them to gather her laundry and leave it at the front office, or even meet you in the front lobby. That way you get the laundry without having to have a confrontation. The same could be done when you drop it off.

I think having the psychatrist see her is a good step. If she is not on medication hopefully they can start her on something that would help.

[Dawn10]

Thanks for the affirmations that what I am feeling is "normal". The nursing home doesn't do personal laundry, such as her nightgowns. It needs to be done about once a week. In my head I have a plan that I will go do it and visit, but set the boundaries with her. She is and has been on many meds. Some she chooses to take others she doesn't. No clue to as why she picks and chooses. She is alert and oriented, but has some short term memory issues that she denies having.
She is my mother. In my own way I love her and I know she loves me. I just don't like her.
Thanks for letting me vent. I probably will need your ears over the next few weeks!!