Using Bipolar as an "excuse"? What the hell?

[am_erika]

So I've recently been accused by a very close friend of using my bipolar disorder as an excuse for my actions...I really don't think that's fair. I've only EXPLAINED why I sometimes act or do the way/things I do...Tried to EXPLAIN my illness to someone who is obviously very uneducated about it. When asked "why would you do/say such a thing?" What do I say when I honestly don't know why I do or act the way I do other than that I'm sick? I DO try to take personal responsibility for certain actions, but some things cannot be explained other than my illness makes me act irrationally. How do I deal with a person like this? She refuses to accept that I don't have much control over myself..especially since I have NOT been on meds. Has anyone had similar experiences with loved ones? I don't know how to get her to LISTEN...help?

[historyteach]

Hi, Erika;
And welcome to SR....

I'm wondering how you can say you are taking responsibility for your actions....
When you know you have a serious mental disorder...
And you are not taking medications to treat it?

We cannot "make" other people listen to us at all. We can explain, then, let it go. We are powerless over others, their beliefs, thoughts and actions.
We only have power over our own....
That includes the power to take medications or not to treat our illness.

Wishing you the best...

Shalom!

[am_erika]

I suppose that's true. About the meds. But I went off my first mood stabilizer because it made me feel numb to everything and zombie-like. And now, I have to wait till next week to start going on lithium...which is very scary for me. Thank you for the reply!

[historyteach]

I am very glad to hear that you are in the process of trying another answer to the problem you have. It's not easy, and it's more difficult when we have to try different meds to find one that works. Indeed, continuing to try is an act of courage.
My thoughts, prayers and admiration are with you...

Shalom!

[meli2005]

I have found that there is little knowledge amongts most about bipolar. It's very misunderstood, so please don't take people's comments too seriously. My H has it and he has heard some of the dumbest things said esp among AA members.

[velvet]

Historyteach, you are very smart. Your reply post is true. Being bipolar isn't something to "wear" as part of your outfit. I'm glad you are trying a new medication. It's very important that you find one, that works, and take it as prescribed. Have you ever tried cymbalta? My daughter tried many, that either left her zombie like, or gave her nightmares, etc...but the cymbalta has worked wonders. I realize that everyone is different and meds work accordingly. Keep trying until you find one you are comfortable with. And keep in mind that you don't have to tell people that you are bipolar.

[BSPGirl]

Talk this over with your friend and let them know you felt really hurt by those words. Other than that you are just who you are. Who cares about the label eh?

[[[ йіијάâ„¢ ]]]

ugh... ppl are so ignorant arent they... i been told to "get over it", "whats wrong with you?" etc ...

deep breaths and a little pity for the narrowminded, judgementals out there =)

[am_erika]

Originally Posted by [[ йіијά™ ]]

ugh... ppl are so ignorant arent they... i been told to "get over it", "whats wrong with you?" etc ...

deep breaths and a little pity for the narrowminded, judgementals out there =)

Yes and the ever so popular "it's just mind over matter" UGH.

[shutterbug]

yes, you must work on doing what you can to minimize the way your bipolar disorder affects your life. You have to control your illness and not let it control you...there are ways...you just have to educate yourself and learn to recognize when your illness IS coming through and then take corrective actions. Not only will this help you with your current friend, but most importantly it will help you live the most happy and successful life possible. Knowledge is wisdom and wisdom is power.

If you're not seeing a good psychologist once a week who is knowledgable about your issues then you need to seek one out (I'm reminding myself as I type this that I need to get back into doing this myself) because it is imperative and invaluable in helping us navigate through our lives...and they remain a voice of reason to guide us when we become unfocused or lose sight of what we can be doing to help ourselves.

And yes...I had that same conversation with a police dispatcher about 6 months ago, only I didn't disclose my mental illness. We were just talking about mental illness in general b/c of calls they had been getting at the police station. She too said that she believes most people use it as an excuse to do whatever they want and not have to take responsibility for their actions. People like this, who are totally set on their beliefs about mental illness and refuse to listen to reason, are not likely to be swayed by ANYTHING we say to them. The best thing you can do is to non-verbally prove your loved one wrong by taking responsiblity for everything you do and working very hard to get yourself healthy. Show them how well you can live life DISPITE the illness!

And who cares what they really think anyway, right? If you are happy then that is all that matters. You are living your life, not them and if you are happy and if they can't be happy for that then they are not worth your time to begin with.

And perhaps the next time someone asks "Why did you do/say that" (and they are someone not knowledgeable about mental illness/bipolar) you can always just say, "I don't know. Guess that's something I need to work on." or "Sorry if I offended you or acted badly. It wasn't intentional and it's an area of my life that I'm working on."

We are all works in progress and people can understand that better than they can understand mental illness. No matter what...always remember "Progress NOT Perfection" because as long as we each continue pushing forward then good things are bound to come from it.

Welcome and best wishes,
Jenna

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by [[ йіијά™ ]]

ugh... ppl are so ignorant arent they... i been told to "get over it", "whats wrong with you?" etc ...

deep breaths and a little pity for the narrowminded, judgementals out there =)

The following was brought to my attention. There will always be death and taxes.

Then my friend added the following:
"There will always be people who pi** you off.

Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance..........and powerless over people, places and things!! I must remember this.

[shutterbug]

Hi...Bozo! How ya been old pal?

[historyteach]

Originally Posted by Bozo

The following was brought to my attention. There will always be death and taxes.

Then my friend added the following:
"There will always be people who pi** you off.

Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance..........and powerless over people, places and things!! I must remember this.

G*D, grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference. "

Bozo, I like the addition...

L'Chaim!

[britz]

I am on the fliip side to this issue. I am the friend of someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar. It has been just shy of 6 months. My concern is it is all she talks about. We may talk on the phone for an hour and the entire time it is about her bi polar or her eating disorder. It got so bad that when my son went to the prom she didn't even acknowledge it or comment to me about the pictures I sent her. We had a fall out and are just now beginning to talk again. I want to be a good friend and be there and listen and inquire to her about all that is going on in her life but I can not ONLY talk about this. She has become friendly with another woman who also is bi polar and when I have been with the 2 of them (on the computer or in person) they talk about different episodes they have had. How one is in mania right now and the other is depressed. I have gone online and read all I can read about it in trying to be a good friend but I am seriously concerned for our 14 year friendship. I have recieved some off the wall emails from her and she is saying to me that the past months are a blur to her and she is not sure of all that has happened (in refrence to an email I got from her). I am not ignorant, far from it, but I do not know how to handle this situation.

[shutterbug]

Britz...believe your friend when she tells you that things have been a blur and she honestly can't remember conversations and events that have happened. In the midst of a major episode (like what is sounds like your friend is going thru right now) it is ALL we can do to keep ourselves alive. EVERYTHING becomes 100 times more difficult.

I can totally understand your point about her illness being all she talks about and you not wanting to listen any more, but it is actually a VERY good sign that she IS doing this. This tells me that she is in the state of mind that she wants to do everything she can to understand herself and her disease. There are SO MANY bipolars who don't even take time to learn what it means to be bipolar...so this is a very good sign indeed - annoying to outsiders, but it means she will have a much more stable and happier future and that your friendship will actually stand a chance in the future.

I did the same thing to my best friend and eventually she stopped talking to me nearly completely - now we only e-mail a few times a year and I feel betrayed by her.

It sounds like your friend is doing absolutely EVERYTHING she possibly can to triumph over the difficult hand she has been dealt. Every minute of everyday is filled with thoughts of her illness and how to cope...so naturally, she doesn't have much else on her mind. This illness (when dealing with a major episode) is totally consuming AND disabling.

Try not to judge HER, but rather know that it is her ILLNESS that has brought on all these changes. It is no different than if she had a potentially terminal form of cancer and each of her days was filled with chemo and doc visits and physical exhaustion and lots of fighting....it really is the much the same.

Be there for your friend, in spirit at least if you can't be there for her emotionally or anything else right now. Tell her that you realize she is going through something that you can't possibly imagine or understand right now and that what you do understand is that she is trying her damnedest to make it through. Tell her that it will be more beneficial for her to talk to the other woman (who can truely understand what it's like) while she's going through this because you don't know how to help her....but that you will always be her friend and that your friendship will be waiting when she comes back to being herself. And she will come back Britz....I promise this...and she will likely be an even better friend and person for all she's endured and made it through.

In otherwords....continue loving your friend from a distance until the time comes when you can come back to the close friendship you both enjoyed for so many years. Remember she needs all the support she can get right now and if you desert her right now...it will have a very major and very negative impact on her recovery. She needs to know you love and care about her, even if you can't give anything to her right now.

[britz]

Thank you very much for the advice! I am willing to do everything that I can to try to understand where she is coming from and what she is going through, well the best I can from the outside. Thanks again for your help!

[kshow215]

Originally Posted by velvet

Historyteach, you are very smart. Your reply post is true. Being bipolar isn't something to "wear" as part of your outfit. I'm glad you are trying a new medication. It's very important that you find one, that works, and take it as prescribed. Have you ever tried cymbalta? My daughter tried many, that either left her zombie like, or gave her nightmares, etc...but the cymbalta has worked wonders. I realize that everyone is different and meds work accordingly. Keep trying until you find one you are comfortable with. And keep in mind that you don't have to tell people that you are bipolar.

cymbalta caused hypomania for several weeks in me lamictal a mood stabilizer is better for bipolar individuals, for not being as likely to cause mania/hypomania and being very good for bipolar depression. Lithiam is a better choise for individuals with predominant mania, or in combination with cymbalta or other antidepressants.

[kshow215]

[QUOTE=kshow215]cymbalta caused hypomania for several weeks in me lamictal a mood stabilizer is better for bipolar individuals, for not being as likely to cause mania/hypomania and being very good for bipolar depression. Lithiam is a better choise for individuals with predominant mania, or in combination with cymbalta or other antidepressants.[/QUOTE

Medication all depends on the individual persons symptoms, reactions to different medications, and your doctors supervison, and opinion. The bottom line is that medication assisted treatment will most likely be a better alternative, than not.

[liveweyerd]

I would also suggest honesty with your friend, Britz. Tell her you were hurt that she ignored these important events and that you believe friendships are mutual caring.

I am mentally ill.....but I only talk about it with others who have similar illnesses or problems...for numerous reasons.

Don't feel bad that you can't really understand her experience, how could you? Nor are you her therapist.

I admit I am self-involved. But I don't expect others to be all about me.
When I am ill, it is best for me if others are non-judgmental and allow me to work on my own wellness, which often means just letting me be.
I get really annoyed when someone decides to "cheer me up" by trying to insist that we go out on activities when I am not well enough to do much of anything and am struggling with basics, like eating and sleeping. It's nice if they ask me if there is anything I need. When I am really sick, just picking up some foodstuffs is a real blessing to me. There are times I could cry over the kindness of someone just bringing me a big mac and a drink. And a fish sandwich for later.

just my thoughts,
live

[kshow215]

[QUOTE=kshow215]

Originally Posted by kshow215

cymbalta caused hypomania for several weeks in me lamictal a mood stabilizer is better for bipolar individuals, for not being as likely to cause mania/hypomania and being very good for bipolar depression. Lithiam is a better choise for individuals with predominant mania, or in combination with cymbalta or other antidepressants.[/QUOTE

Medication all depends on the individual persons symptoms, reactions to different medications, and your doctors supervison, and opinion. The bottom line is that medication assisted treatment will most likely be a better alternative, than not.

An issue with dual dianosis individuals, is that substance abuse can imitate many symptoms that are similar or the same as certain mental disorders, but there is diagnostic criteria for dual diagnosis people, and mentally diagnosed people. Definitave diagnosis can be achieved with significant periods of sobriety, and the presence of diagnostic criteria for mental disorders after a period of sobriety, as well as certain criteria that confirms mental disorders regardless of substance abuse, depending on the certain individual.

[kshow215]

Everybody can probably already tell I'm a left brained person.
I think way to much, and really need to just talk to somebody.
The other day I was so disabled that I had to leave work once again to sit in my bed rolling around crying and feeling like couldnt calm down, probably mixed symptoms of bipolar, which my doctor and I am currently talking about. I felt I had completly lost my mind. I want to move on and do more things in my life, but how can I do that when I have periods of time where I'm like that, and can't do anything. All I do when I leave work is sit at my house, with no drivers licence so I cant do anything. I have gone on long bike rides, and excersiced alot, which does help greatly for me, but I long for social contact, and exceptance, which I think I'm lacking. All my good friends don't have time for me anymore. I get my drivers license back in august so that will be a relief for me. I'm just stuck, things are better for me then they are the end of the world for me. Thats the bipolar talking, but I could balance myself out better if I just quit drinking, which is about biweekly for me.

[kshow215]

Originally Posted by kshow215

Everybody can probably already tell I'm a left brained person.
I think way to much, and really need to just talk to somebody.
The other day I was so disabled that I had to leave work once again to sit in my bed rolling around crying and feeling like couldnt calm down, probably mixed symptoms of bipolar, which my doctor and I am currently talking about. I felt I had completly lost my mind. I want to move on and do more things in my life, but how can I do that when I have periods of time where I'm like that, and can't do anything. All I do when I leave work is sit at my house, with no drivers licence so I cant do anything. I have gone on long bike rides, and excersiced alot, which does help greatly for me, but I long for social contact, and exceptance, which I think I'm lacking. All my good friends don't have time for me anymore. I get my drivers license back in august so that will be a relief for me. I'm just stuck, things are better for me then they are the end of the world for me. Thats the bipolar talking, but I could balance myself out better if I just quit drinking, which is about biweekly for me.

Live like you'll die tomorrow, but plan like you'll live forever

[britz]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

I would also suggest honesty with your friend, Britz. Tell her you were hurt that she ignored these important events and that you believe friendships are mutual caring.

I am mentally ill.....but I only talk about it with others who have similar illnesses or problems...for numerous reasons.

Don't feel bad that you can't really understand her experience, how could you? Nor are you her therapist.

I admit I am self-involved. But I don't expect others to be all about me.
When I am ill, it is best for me if others are non-judgmental and allow me to work on my own wellness, which often means just letting me be.
I get really annoyed when someone decides to "cheer me up" by trying to insist that we go out on activities when I am not well enough to do much of anything and am struggling with basics, like eating and sleeping. It's nice if they ask me if there is anything I need. When I am really sick, just picking up some foodstuffs is a real blessing to me. There are times I could cry over the kindness of someone just bringing me a big mac and a drink. And a fish sandwich for later.

just my thoughts,
live

I appreciate your thoughts and to be honest there are times when this is so much bigger than I am. I am not a trained professional and find it hard to know the right thing to say or do. We have always had the type of friendship where we could tell eachother how the other is feeling, but since this diagnose, when I have told her how I feel, what my concerns are, I got an email saying this can't be about me it has to be about her right now. I did let her know with the prom thing that in order for me to be here like I want to be here for her she has to also show some interest in my life. When we finally talked after almost 2 months she said she has a hard time with showing me interest because my life has stability and that is something that she wants. I am suppose to call her today and it will be only the 2nd time we have talked since our fall out. Fingers crossed it goes well. Thanks for everyone's insight. It really does help!

[cinderellawkids]

Have you tried cognitive therapy at all? There are little coping mechanisms taht can help the episodes not become major

[pabloswife]

i am border line bipolar. i am the worst bipolar there is because i can control mine if i want to except when i am pregnat, but i have a younger brother who thinks he can control his with his med. of choice. he med. of choice is a main ingredent in speed lithum. he tries to use his condition to explain his whys also but let me tell both of you some thing i take my meds. every day i have a husband who has an addiction also (alchole) but i still deal with life and yes some peole want you to take responsiblity for your actions other then say i can not help it because yes you can if you choose. sorry to sound so B-t-hy on the subject but i had a real one as a theripst she told me to grow up and quit being a huge baby and that my illness will not always help me and later in life i found that out. some people don't except it or like it. but keep up the fight and try to control your out rages or impulses. you will feel better when it clears away. promise.