Feeling better, finally.

[blueglass]

When I first found Sober Recovery, I went immediately to the forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I knew that I had depression, and anxiety issues, but after being in therapy for 10 years, and not getting/feeling any better, I began to dig "deeper". I thought that perhaps my problems were rooted in all the abuse I was subjected to as a child, and the things I witnessed at the hands of my alcoholic father. While I don't think I was completely wrong, I think that was just the beginning of the path.

I read books, I talked to other ACoAs, and I still felt the same... full of rage, tense, crabby, cranky, etc. I dug the hole deeper, and discovered that I could possibly have a dissociative disorder known as depersonalization disorder. I even posted here about it once, to see if anyone else had it also. I never really felt a part of the world, just always felt like I was in observer mode. That lead me to demanding that I be re-tested, because I was finally sick of being 'sick'.

I was re-tested a little over a month ago. They gave me the MMPI, and test with puzzles and things. The test said that along with major depression, I also have anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. The MMPI was really of no help to me, I don't think. They really need to do some sort of update to that test. For example, I'm Pagan. So, something I answered on that test meant that I have "magical thinking"... like thinking I can make things happen. I was like "...duh!" *lol* But anyway...

After I was re-tested, I was scheduled to see the house shrink, for medications. I was already taking Wellbutrin, but I noticed no change whatsoever. When I began seeing a counselor in 1996, the house shrink at the time put me on a medicine that helped me gain 20 lbs in about 3 months. When I told him about the weight gain, he prescribed it AGAIN, and told me to just be aware of my appetite... something easy for a girl that was pushing 300 lbs to do, right? He would only spend about 5 minutes talking to me, not listening to me, and then prescribing stuff that didn't help. I refused to see him again, determined to work this out without medication. Two years ago, I asked my family doctor to write me a prescription for Wellbutrin, and he did. It wasn't until recently that I found out the house shrink had been replaced with a lady who actually gave a damn, and that's who I got to see.

She and I talked for about an hour. She said that I was on the wrong medicine, first off. Then, she did something that no one ever did before - she gave me permission to grieve the loss of my father. Since he was abusive to me, and I grew up hating him, when he died (in 1994), I couldn't grieve because I was stuck in what she called ambivalence. As soon as she said it, something in me just shifted. I almost cried, but I kept it in check. She wrote me a prescription for Wellbutrin XL, and Effexor XR. Since that day... even before I took the prescriptions, I felt better.

So here I sit, three weeks later, and I feel... here. My mood has changed a lot. My emotional dependence on my best friend has fallen by the wayside. My anxiety is barely a blip on the radar. I'm nicer to my family members, and people in general. I could wake up tomorrow and be my usual grouchy self, but today, I'm good. Every day I wake up, and the first thing to greet me is my adorable 2 year old Rottweiler. I can't help but wake up smiling! And the mood just carries itself from there.

I'm 37 years old. I can't remember EVER in my life feeling like this. So I'm posting this here to tell those of you who are feeling hopeless to just hang in there a little longer.. keep looking for help. Don't give up on yourself. Make people listen to you if your meds aren't working, or if you think you need something more than you're getting. It's not easy for me to say any of this, either. I'd read about people getting better and I'd think ...whatever! When you feel hopeless you don't want to hear about other's good fortune. 36 years of feeling hopeless, next to 3 weeks of feeling alive....

I wouldn't change a thing.

[InvisibleNobody]

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. I know it must have been a long road for you. I'm on a similar one. And I'm starting to feel better myself.

So, here's to us in our continued quest towards living. And to those who still searching (as well as those who have found their way).