Depressed

[Nina Kay]

Hello,
I know that everyone here is just so surprised by my title of my thread. Right?! JK of course.
I decided to come on here where everyone would really understand what I'm feeling. I have been depressed for a really long time. Off and on since as far back as I can remember, actually. I have been on so many different antidepressants through the years. Only a few have worked at all, but even they give me side effects that are really damaging to my health. That is why I always am either starting a new one, come off of one, or trying to struggle without one. Coming off of one, is where I am right now.
I just decided this morning to come on here and write down in front of you all, that I am at the point of being so worn down by being depressed, that I have GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF.
My life is at a standstill and has been for too long. There is so much that I could say about that, but being here at the computer delving into things for too long seems to make me worse in a number of ways.
Well, I guess I just needed to come on here where others will understand and get this out in the open. I'll come back alittle later and vent some more. Thank you for listening.

[BSPGirl]

Aww it's not an easy battle. You mention medication and you also mention you never got much benefits from it. Have you ever seen a therapist or anything? I also find typing out and venting what really bothers me to be helpful. Talking to friends about my problems also is a big one for me and hey they don't ask money for listening. Good luck!

[meli2005]

I suffer from depression too and it is a very tough disease to fight. I am so sorry you have throuble finding meds that work. How frustrating and it takes so long to see if it will work, etc. Then you change, etc. Must seem like an endless process. keep on venting...

I think a therapist would be a good idea.

[Nina Kay]

Thank you so much for being so understanding, BSP & meli. You are both so right about this being such a really tough battle to fight. What a nightmare rollercoaster ride.
I have gone to a therapist before and that may be something that I do again in the near future. Right now, I'm still working off of the med. that I'm taking, grain by grain, so it'll still be a while before I'm not taking anything. I have alot of trouble with isolating. I'm not working outside the home, so I can isolate so easy. I don't answer the phone or show up at meetings. I haven't been able to make myself even go to the grocery store for a long while now. My hubby will go for me whenever I want him to. That's good and not good. I even have my sleeping patterns so messed up and that causes my eating patterns to be worse. I skip taking showers and getting dressed alot of times. Today I did have a much better day. My daughter and grandkids came and they always make me feel better, but while I'm with them, I can't get anything done, so I am depressed also because I haven't done anything productive. My health is horrible and I know that it's making my depression so much worse. Anyway, today I made myself take a shower and dress and put on some makeup because they were coming. That in itself made me feel so much better. I always know that it will, too, but I still can't seem to make myself do it most days. I just need to be alot more self-disciplined. I know that too, but dealing with it is just not seeming to happen.
Oh well, it feels good to get this out. It makes me feel like I'm starting to do something about it when I type it out, because it's like I'm making a plan of action. I'm calling myself out on it all.

[liveweyerd]

Nina!

Hugs! You might not see it in my current journal as I have tried to appear mostly above it all but I have the same problems. I don't bathe, eat, have been depressed my whole life, have been from dr to dr, even put in the hospital for depression once, med to med. And, yes, it is the most tiring struggle. And now, as we have just discussed has led to addiction. I don't know who I am aside from depressed and anxious for quite a long time now. I really do understand.
I think it is a trick of the illness to think that we can be well through self-discipline. My dr's have told me that, my studies have told me that, my experience has told me that. But what is the trick to being well? I don't know. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and always having excuses and not functioning or performing. Shutterbug has pulled off an amazing recovery in her bipolar journal. It gives me hope.
My hubby also does everything for me so that I can be helpless.
Anyway, don't feel alone in this because you are not.
hugs,
live

[Nina Kay]

Live,
I just finished posting on your thread, too. It's nice to come here and see that you've been posting on mine at the same time. Thank you so much for being so understanding to me. I wish that you weren't dealing with this too, but since you are, it feels good to know that you can truly understand. I haven't been through all of the trauma that you've been through though. Mine is just chemical imbalances and yes, trauma to me. I also wish that I knew the trick to being well. There are so many other emotional problems that come on from everyone else knowing that I have emotional problems. It just snowballs and I used to be really defensive about it, but now I just don't seem to care. I don't know if I've grown into that attitude or if it's a defeatest attitude. It feels better than the alternative though. Part of it is that I'm just getting older and tireder and I just don't have the fight left in me that I used to have. I'm going to try to get off and go to bed now and maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

[BSPGirl]

Hey Nina Kay, if you worry about your health: how about a total check up? it might rule some physical causes for depression out (like thyriod problems).

[Nina Kay]

Hi BSP,
Everyone here is also telling me that I need to go to the Dr. I agree, but I'm trying to wait until I get some of this weight off and I'm trying to get some routine walking down first also, because I know that if I don't do the obvious that they tell me to do everytime I go to a Dr., that this is what I'll hear again and then they'll just put me on another med. of some kind which will in turn cause me other health problems. I don't blame the Drs. for that because that is just about all they know to do with me at this point. This is a time in my life when I'm having to deal with a, 'which comes first; the chicken or the egg' scenario. Only time will tell with this because as much as I'm determined to do my walking daily and to watch what I eat to get the weight off, my depression and isolation problems keep throwing a kink in that for me. I just feel like I can't win for losing right now. As far as the thyroid, they check that as one of the first things every time I go to the Dr. for the last 20 something years. The tests never show that I have a problem there, even though I always have the symptoms. My body is freaky, I tell you. Nobody knows how to ever help me. I totally understand their frustration because I have it too.

[liveweyerd]

I have been trying to think what to say. In the end, I think I will say I am sure you will find your way and I hope it is soon. Depression is such a cruel illness. I fear and hate it more than anything. But it is always my companion. You must feel so frustrated. And tired. It is so damned tiring. And I am sorry but I must go to bed, I am going to have trouble getting to work on time tomorrow, I always do...but when I stay up too late it is really bad.

[liveweyerd]

I laid down and was thinking about you. Being codie I wanted to come up with something helpful for you. I am finding it hard to sleep anyway. It seems to me you are trying very hard and you should get credit for that. I sure hope something eases up. I hope we can chat more tomorrow.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Live,
That's just so sweet of you to think of me. I really appreciate you caring about me at all, much less trying to think of something to help me. You said it right, that I'm so frustrated and really, really tired. I hope that you were finally able to go to sleep tonight and I hope that you get enough rest to get up refreshed for work tomorrow.

Today was alot better. I still felt the heaviness of depression, but I did write down the simplest things that I need to accomplish each day. I have trouble going to sleep at night and then of course, I sleep way too late the next day, which in turn makes me not sleep at bedtime. Anyway, I've let every little thing in my life get really screwed up. Just the basics. I have to first accomplish waking up and then getting up. Then it takes me two hours by the clock to literally feel like I might live over it. That's been going on for a few years now, which doesn't help at all with depression.

I need to cut to the positive. I did make myself get a shower and get dressed and put on my make-up today. I went ahead and took tylenol for my pain even though I have a bad liver. I'm tired of always being in pain. I felt a whole lot better after doing these things. Then I made myself go with my hubby to the store, instead of just sending him with a list. I haven't cooked much at all in the past few years, because of depression, but I made myself get the things at the store to cook supper tonight and I followed through. I enjoyed it once I got started. I went to church too, which is very important to me, but I have trouble getting out around other people. I've missed many services, because of my isolating. I did put up my groceries instead of leave them in the sacks and I did a couple of things around the house. All of this was so good for me. I just don't know how I managed to let myself get so low and deep into this depression that I've become completely nonfunctional. Today was better for me in alot of little ways that most people just take for granted and I feel that I should too at my age, but it seems that I get worse with time instead of better. I will keep trying though. One step at a time. Thank you all so much for being so caring.

[BSPGirl]

I'm glad you seem to be feeling a bit better. It's hard but small changes might improve your life significantly.

[liveweyerd]

Nina,

WOW! I think you did an incredible lots today!

For me, I have found my depression to be a progressive illness. Rolls eyes!

[meli2005]

Not feeling well can cause depression as well. Of course, being depressed can cause the not feeling well also.

Make small goals for yourself each day. Try to get out and be w/others. It may be hard to do it, but it might help you feel better. Remember, this too shall pass and things will get better.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist for the depression? Hope so as they know the most about the meds and all.

Are there any depression support groups in teh area? I don't know if that would help you or not.

[liveweyerd]

I was thinking how about we share one positive thing about ourselves each day. We will get to know each other better...and perhaps balance out some of the negative views we have of ourselves.

Something I like about me....I have a hearty laugh and laugh often.

[liveweyerd]

How are you?

[Nina Kay]

Well, here I am back down in my hole of depression. I never really got out, but I seemed to feel a little better while I was trying to make myself get out among the living at least once each day. I'm still very slowly working down on my antidepressant. It is true that things are progressing with my son's addictions. I stay out of it all as much as possible and try to take care of my life, but I still always feel the impending doom feeling. A ticking timebomb.

Meli, I know that my physical problems are making my depression much worse. I did have a psychiatrist that I saw regularly before he moved. My Dr. said that I don't need one because she can prescribe my meds now, so I haven't gotten a new one. I don't know of any depression groups. I do go to two different 12-step programs lately, but I haven't gone for long since I started back.

BSP, I do believe that the small changes that I've been making will make for improvement, if I can get myself to carry through each day. I did for a week and then this weekend I've isolated again.

Live, I like that you have a hearty laugh and you laugh often. I laugh often too, but only my sister likes it that I do and she does too. It makes me happy but tends to annoy others when I do it. The trait that I know I have that is supposed to be a good thing is my very soft and empathetic heart.

I hope that each of you are doing well. I will keep trying and trying. I guess that I thought that I needed to tell someone how I truly feel and I came here because I knew that you all would understand. Thanks for being here.

[gate to]

Nina hoping you're feeling better today.Things are getting worse with our daughter also and we're raising our precious grandsons.She is our only child and our family is weathering daily storms from this addiction,I'm not able to detach as I probably should,but I do feel a calm serenity because I have admitted I'm powerless over her addiction and I accept that only God and her can make her better,I no longer have that feeling of dread, because God is dealing with her now .I wish you peace and hope and pray your family and mine can heal.Gate

[liveweyerd]

hugs Nina....yes, I have noticed...it is apparent and all over the boards that you are a most caring, empathetic lady and so very gracious.

I am taking care of myself with my de-tox, eating and sleeping...but still struggling to clean up and get out of my safe room. I don't feel depressed per se.....but I sure don't want to leave my room. Today I absolutely have to as I have put off some important mail to the point that I must overnight it.

The stress with your son must surely be a big contributing factor. My psychiatrist told me, and I know it to be true, that while the meds help, our life circumstances are even more important.

All the best to you,
live

[Nina Kay]

Gate,
I'm so sorry to hear that things are getting worse with your daughter. I'm glad to hear that your grandson's have you and a safe loving home. I do know how it feels to weather the storms of addiction dealing with your child. By the way, I don't do the detaching thing very well either. I've really tried hard over the last several years and I have come along way from the beginning of things. I just don't seem to be capable of the tough love thing. Thank you for the prayers for my family and I will surely be praying for your family. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

[Nina Kay]

Hi Live,
*Blush* *Blush* *Blush* Your words are too kind.

I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself through this detox. I hope that it's going well for you now.

but I sure don't want to leave my room.

I can certainly understand how you feel when you say this. I am having so much trouble with that lately. I just don't know why it's so hard. I hope that you were able to get out today long enough to get done what you needed to.

The stress with my son is truly a large contributing factor with my anxiety and depression. It just never seems to get better. I haven't lost hope, but I sure am tired of all of this that goes with addiction and alcoholism. I do know that I'm powerless and I've turned him over to God, but I still have to know that my son is destroying his own life and I can't do a thing about it.

[liveweyerd]

Hey, can you understand why a good laugh annoys people? I used to get in trouble by a couple of too proper people in the office by laughing too loudly. However, the project manager loved it and was always stopping in to find out what was funny, he would be grinning and often laughed with me. (Just not as loud)

Kudos to you for getting out and about!

You really are a precious blessing!
So many people here love you, are you aware of that?

hugs,
live

[liveweyerd]

We posted at the same time.

I truly understand the absolute horror of knowing your son is destroying himself and being totally helpless to stop it.

Just know that if there were anything, ANYTHING, we could do, we would.

[Nina Kay]

I do not understand why a good laugh annoys people. I would think that it would make others want to join in like you said that project manager did. It just tickles me to hear that you like to laugh too. I really wish that we were closer so that we could do some laughing together. I do have one sister that laughs all of the time with me. Everyone knows that when we get together we're going to definitely be laughing loud and acting silly. We do have alot of silly fun together.

So many people here love you, are you aware of that?

Honestly, No. I do feel honored to think that this might be true. Thank you for making me feel better. ((((((((HUGS)))))))

[BSPGirl]

I love you too, Nina Kay, see: <3