Learning to Accept Being Bipolar II

[AnnieUnix]

Friends, Last fall I went on a shoplifting binge and was caught. To make a long story short, I confessed to 1 misdemeanor and was given a suspended sentence. I survived a suicide attempt, and stabilized with the right meds and a good team of docs, including my employers Employee Assistance program. Yes, I am bipolar II, as well as an alcoholic with 9+
years of sobriety. Due to the grace of my HP I didn't drink during my ordeal. And you can bet I'll stay on my meds - to call your parents to pick you up from jail at age 43...that was so horrible for them. Thank god I didn't lose my job or security clearance, without which I'd be ruined. Problem is, I don't ever feel happy, I can't seem to forgive myself. I have made many positive changes in my life - including entering grad school in my field, but I hate the person I am. All this stuff is just stuff I'm doing, I don't feel depressed and suicidal but I hope the rest of my life is short. I know all this stuff is mostly genetic, and that I should feel okay because both alcoholism and bipolar II runs in my family, both sides, and I've coped with both. Do any of you have any advice to help me, I don't know, I guess just, how do I start to feel better, will I ever feel better?

AnnieU

[meli2005]

My AH is both bipolar II and alcoholic. It's a hard set of diseases to fight. Sounds like you have made many wonderful changes in your life and have been very prosperous. I wish I had some answers for you. Maybe pray to your HP about this, that you will feel better about your life, your purpose, and your disease. You have come thru tremendous circumstances. Ask your HP for forgiveness. He will forgive you and you have to forgive yourself and move on.

maybe going to see a therapist might help, just to talk about things. YOu have been thru a lot. Take it easy on yourself. You are doing great.. One day at a time...

[BSPGirl]

I'm sorry you're never feeling happy, AnnieUnix, that must be a horrible feeling. Have you looked into counseling? I believe right away meds are helpful for your condition and that you don't feel like ever stopping taking 'em but mostly a combination of therapy and medication does the trick. Some Cognetive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and/or Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) might be useful, I read a lot from SMART Recovery's website it really made em change the way I look at things. It basically comes down to accepting yourself just as you are, unconditional self acceptance.

Oh btw if ya live near Virginia Tech in VA, I might have some resources about the whole therapy thing for you, if you don't, then nevermind I guess, lol.

[AnnieUnix]

Thanks everyone. I am going to a therapist, I see her twice a month. She specializes in cognitive therapy. It is still so good to have your words of encouragement however. I was always the good girl - at my last job they called me Saint "RealNameHere". I had the vows of a nun, for heaven's sake. LOL I never got into ttrouble before my five year drinking binge which got me into recovery. And NEVER any problem with the law until now. I am learning to see myself differently, I guess. The meds do help a lot. I have a half an acre, and I spent today working in my gardens, reading, and bird watching. I could never sit still long enough to do that before. One step at a time. I am going to copy your words into a recovery book of notes I keep of encouragement I can read when I need it... There is one good thing about my bipolar diagnosis...I was advised by my doctors to limit unnesesary stress. I've cut back on my overtime at work, and just dumped my boyfriend because he was abusive. It is beginning to feel good taking care of myself, not just doing everything I think everyone wants me to and then trying to fix myself later from the damage.

[meli2005]

Annie, it sounds to me like you are on the right track for sure. Keep up the good work. Yes, all any of us can do is one day at a time!! One minute at a time, whatever we need to do to get thru the day.

A lot of bipolars have substance abuse issues, my spouse is bipolar/alcoholic as well. It has been tough for me as well.

Sounds like a wonderful day you had, love working in the gardens myself!!

Yes, I agree limit any unnecessary stress and as for the boyfriend, NO one bipolar or not needs to be abused. Good for you girl for taking care of self.