self harm,drink and bipolar....a curse

[candycat]

well if you have seen my posts, i have stopped drinking on 18th april 2006,on antabuse now, i also have bi-polar, i also have self harmed for about 15years since i was 8, i have no idea how it started and maybe everything is connected that i have but i feel doomed to mental health probs lol..... i used to scartch myself when i was about 8 alot to feel nicer inside it made me feel happier ;s i like hurting myself because i thought i was a bad kid, my dad hit me.( he dided when i was 12) when i was at school i got bullied for haing no dad so i would heah bang walls felt like a drug oddly made me relaxed, i also found sissors and did smalls marks on my legs and arms , when i left school i beame a recluse never went out i got depressed ,drunk and hated myself i would burn scold and find razor blade to hurt myself my body is a mass or scars now and ev1 comments in summer if i dont wear sleeves cover up wich ids rare none even knew untill 3 years ago. now im drinking was another way of harming myself im thinking now, because i thought no one would see that way, being sober has brought all my self loathing back ful on and i cant stop thinking about hurting myself , i have a fionce who looks for signs it upsets him. im now finding ways of doing it without none notcing picking my head and burning my unrleg. i hate this i know being sober is good but i dont want to feel the way before i drunk im very confused no one around like to hear me talk about this.... tanya thank you for reading this xxxxxxx

[historyteach]

Tanya;
I hope you get the help you need for the self injury you are doing.
I wish you well....

Shalom!

[ranae1221]

Hi Tanya,

I also have "self harmed" since I was young, started at 12. As weird as it sounds, it has kept me alive so for. When I turned 21, I began to drink as a way to "numb" myself, however quickly realized that it could become a serious problem, and since I grew up with up with a dad who is alcoholic I knew I didn't want this in my life, so I was able to stop before it really became out of control. Altough I still do hurt myself, it is not like it was years ago. My depression (although bad recently because of major changes in life) was better and I was able to function better in life.

In my expeirence, the only way you can really stop hurting yourself- either from drinking, cutting, burning, etc- is to learn better ways to cope. You learned at a very young age that physcial pain could stop the pain inside, numb those overwhelming feelings. And while it was good for a time- it kept you alive during some really tough times when you likely wanted to end your life- it is no longer working.

What are you doing to help yourself? Are you in treatment for depression? Seeing a counselor? When I finally agreed to be in therapy and found a therapist I liked and was comfortable with, I was able to learn better coping skills. Medication has also made a huge difference with the depression/mood swings. Granted like I said I haven't totally stopped the self harming, but it is no longer the first thing I turn to when life becomes overwhelming.

Take care!!

[Done_With_It]

Hey CandyCat,

Experienced a lot of what you describe up there, and like Ranae said it kept me alive for along time. Like she said the only thing I know to do is to try and learn new coping skills besides the ones we know.

I am one to hide the scars too, and that can get dangerous. It's got me in some trouble before.

Are you seeking any therapy for group therapy for any of this? Getting the feelings out really helps with the cutting, as hard as the talking is to do it can really help.

Keep posting and take care of you!~

DWI

[justangie]

Hi Candy, I can relate to the Bipolar and the self harm. I never drank other then maybe 2 drinks once a year. I also believe therapy to learn new coping skills is key here. heres a little trick that helped me when I was younger and was a cutter...maybe it can help you untill you can get the skills you need...It sounds crazy but it worked.

Ice and salt.....easy indegridents to get...rub ice on your hand ,arm etc whereever you are determined to cut (please know I am not suggesting in anyway that you should cut) I am saying if you know you are you can't fight that feeling off use the ice and salt...first take the ice place on the area let it get number then rub salt in it reapply ice...What this does as strange as it sounds is...you still get that numbing effect and that cutting sensation (although its different sensation) Then the melted water runs down the skin like the bllod did when you cut.

The first few times I did it I was like this is crazy,,,,its not the same dadada But eventually it worked...I stayed persistent at trying it over the actual cutting. Just a suggestion.

if your not in therapy pls go ASAP...you are impornant.

[candycat]

thank you for your replys im getting there very very slowly lol, the antabuse im taking are helping but i feel more lonely and keep crying also got a constant headache, im doing voluntary work in a residential home it helps

[jcade]

I wish you the best and may I suggest this. When you feel like cutting yourself to go and lie down and close your eyes and imagine that you are doing it.! Feel the pain and remain focused and it will go away without the cuts.

Fake it until you make it!

I don't want you to hurt,or harm yourself anymore!

We all Love you!

John

[ciryda]

Hi Tanya,
Self Harm/SI was a way out for me for 28 years. I had a way of disconnecting my body from my emotional being.Most was centered around hatred and anger from my past.Drugs and alcohol fueled this behavior. I am learning now that self injury is not a part of drug addiction or alcoholism. I am treating it as part of the recovery process but the core issues are very differant. I craved the act because I got a "high" from the act,and at one point fantacised about the anger building so I could
SI. As a child growing up I had no place to process or express my emotional issues
or feelings. I was also plauged with fear, loneliness or a social outcast,depression,
confussion about sexual identity and /or a lack of sexual freedom. I lived in a dark
place for a long time.So very long. Today the present is so much brighter. Faith has started to replace fear, and other core issues are surfacing,such as my hatred and anger that are now being dealt with. I am living in today,no longer "future tripping".
I am actively involved in self help groups and drug and alcohol meetings. It's for me about learning to re-live life all over again. Re-aligning morals,values, honesty,self discipline, motives and personal growth. All which is part of my recovery process.
I no longer try to hide my scars . I have way too many to try (trust me) I want people today to accept me for who I am and
to get to know the real me,in which i'm now just discovering who I am.
For me today i'm still scared but not afraid to look inside myself.
A freind in recovery.
Ciryda