hello

[mebguy]

i am here seeking help i guess, i know something isnt right, it hasnt been for years. I am 24 now, when I was younger I was diagnosed with ADHD/Depression/Anti Social Personality Disorder/and a couple others, I was treated for the ADHD and Depression, but nothing seemed to help with how I felt. I am in a long term relationship, and at this point it is hanging be a very fine thread. I have been unfaithful recently and have disclosed this to my partner. I have hurt her incredibly, and I dont really feel the remorse I think I should. I am able, very well I might add, to fake these feelings and say the right things to start to make things better, but deep down I know I really dont care what I have done, it doesnt bother me, and actually makes me proud that I was able to get away with it. I have always had feelings like this. I dont know that I have ever truely felt remorse, but rather faked these sort of feelings of someone elses amusement, because I know that if I dont the relationship [whatever it may be] would be over. and I really dont care if the relationship is over, never really have, but I know I need something from the other person, in this case my girlfriend. I feel completely out of control, like I am very quickly losing grip and dont know how to stop it. I have a very difficult time focusing on one thing at a time, a very difficult time gathering my thoughts, but when I can do these things, I can accomplish anything I try. I have mixed feelings, at times I feel extremly confident and others I feel so low I cannot imagine going on any further. I dont know what is causing me to feel the way I do and haev for a very long time, but I know I need to fix something. For years I felt I had control of what I felt, I was able to keep it together in every situation, but lately I feel myself losing grip more and more often. I dont want to seek professional help, have been there before many times, unsuccessfully. I just, well i dont know what I want, but I want to feel something better than this. I want to feel like I am able to keep myself in control. I need help. I dont have a very close relationship with anyone in my life, and I dont feel like I am missing anything there. This may sound crazy I dont know, but I know something is wrong and I guess this is me crying for help...

[splendra]

mebguy

Welcome to sober recovery. I feel bad for anyone who cannot feel for other people. What does your relationship with this woman mean to you? Why is it not important to you to remain faithful? How would you feel if she was unfaithful?

[mebguy]

Hello,

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. I have been on the receiving end of unfaithful behavior before, and I must that it did not make me feel the way it probably should have. I did not get angry or hurt, I did not cry or scream, I did not say much of anything. I kind of ignored the issue I guess. This woman that I mention does mean a lot to me, and I do love her, but it does not affect me when I do something to hurt her. I dont know how to describe this, what I'm going through inside, what I have been going through for a very long time. thanks again splenda

[splendra]

mebguy

I think if you really do love her it would mean something to you if you hurt her. Love is always kind...maybe you don't want to feel empathy because you might then feel the feelings you do not want to feel such as hurt and pain....but you are also cutting yourself off from really feeling love and joy as well.

[ranae1221]

Hi! I can relate to quite a bit of what you are feeling. I am 25, and have been diagnosised with ADD, Depression, Bipolar, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder (what a mess huh?? )

I also am able to "fake" feelings, telling people what I know they want to hear to make them happy. And for a long time I was very good at it. But when you stuff your real feelings in, and keep doing this for a long time, eventually they find a way to come out, and that is when you feel like you can't control them. Don't get me wrong, I still do this, more that I should. But I have also been able to learn better ways at coping with my real feelings so that it doesn't get to that "exploding" stage.

You say you have had professional help in the past that didn't work. Why didn't it work? Were you able to find a therapist that fit you? I went through several therapists before I found one that I was comfortable with. Did you just not agree with their recommendations/style of treatment?

I also was seeking "help" for years and nothing seemed to "fix" me. Medications, therapists, doctors, inpatient treatment, you name it I did it. Eventually I was able to find a therapist that clicked with me. We actually worked together for 3 years before stopping therapy, and stopping was my choice at the time.

Are you taking any medications for the depression? Anything as a mood stabilizer? Have you tried any in the past? Did they help? Not help?

I don't really have much advice on the relationship part, as I have not been succesful in that department and have sworn off love anyway. But I do feel that you need to work on you before you can be successful in a relationship of any kind, whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship, family, etc.

If you are unhappy with the way your life is right now, what is stopping you for getting the help you need to change it, to learn healthier ways of coping?