Bringing it all together...

[historyteach]

You know, I've come to realize something.There's so much going on -- so much that is effecting my thoughts and emotions right now. And I guess that's really why I'm having such a difficult time. So, I'm thinking if I just put it all out, it will help me make better sense of things and maybe to work out some things too.

I'm still within the first six months of quitting smoking. While I'm very proud of my accomplishment, it has a negative side. I haven't "even'd out" yet with my emotions. I really need to find out how long before I can really deal without cigs being right there.

Trish's death. It had a big effect on me. I miss her and I am feeling guilty that I missed her birthday thread; I didn't tell her how much she meant to me; we were supposed to get back together again, and didn't....There's a void, and I feel badly that I didn't give back to her what she gave to me. I wasn't a good friend...I wasn't there for her.

The crap at school. Nuf said right now, no?

The tenent. Rent's always late; work on house not being done; can't evict him. If I tried to start proceedings, he doesn't have to pay rent, and it can take up to a year in RI. I have to wait till his lease is up. That will be next Sept. And he can do a lot of damage within that time. He agreed to do certain work in return for a lowered rent. It's not getting done at all. He's a con artist, and I got conned -- again.

And Trevor. He told me he had severe problems with his kidneys and liver. I spoke to his dad last week about it; dad had no idea, and thought Trevor was keeping it from him, out of concern cuz he recently had a heart attack. So, Monday, I asked Trevor. I was concerned, because nothing was happening as far as medication; treatment for his HepC...which, according to him when he first told me, was imminent. I posted about it then.

Anyway, I asked Trevor why his dad didn't know what he had told me. Trevor became arrogant and argumentative. I told him twice I was not going to fight about it. That I was only asking a question. Then, he swore at me, accusing me of "starting shyte."

I hung up on him. I haven't heard from him since.

This is Trevor's typical behavior when he's "caught." To hurl the insults, swears and blame any and everywhere but at himself.

Bottom line, I'm angry, hurt and a bit embarrassed that I fell for his garbage again. And that his manipulation effected others besides myself. Trish started a prayer thread just for him as a result of his story.

So, there's a TON of stuff going on. Yes, this stuff at school is bad. But, there is really nothing in my life that's going right right now. Well, except my quit from smoking. But that is still wreaking havoc on my emotions.
And you know, I really wish I had someone to talk with regularly. I've been alone too long. And I'm not happy about that either...But, the stuff I learned yesterday at school, that I was so upset over, was really just the straw that broke the camel's back. It brought all of this to the fore, like a volcano erupting. Know what I mean?

And it seems like all this powerlessness is making me crazy too! Cuz, I can't change any of it, and I don't like any of it. So, basically, I'm in a "wait it out" mode, wishing my life away, cuz I hate it right now. I am accepting what is, but, I don't have to like it.

Thanks for listening again. I hope you're still awake. And I appreciate everything you've done for me...

me ---> <---happy, pretty, fun -- ie, everyone else.

Shalom!

[Phinneas]

Oh Teach. ((((hugs)))) You're right in that your post was mostly about other people and circumstances. What about you? In recovery, I've had to learn about not being able to control people, places or things. My job is to do the next right thing in front of me and let god handle the rest. What's the next right thing that YOU can do to take care of YOU?

Sending you love and support.

[historyteach]

Phinny,
I really am trying to take care of me. And I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I haven't been going to the gym as often as I should lately. My knees really hurt badly, and I'll probably have to have surgery. I've got torn miniscus in both knees, and years ago, the surgeon told me to tell him when...Time's running out, I'm afraid.

But, I get flowers for myself each Friday for the Sabbath; I take myself to dinner; I still go to the gym occassionally, (just not as much),; and I come here to get and give help and support. I see a career counselor, looking for other work. I see a regular counselor. I go to services each Saturday, and to Torah Study afterwards.

So, Yea, I do take care of myself. It's just overload this year. There's too much. And each of these things effect me. And right now, I'm trying to untie Gordian's Knot. One step at a time.

Thanks Phinny...

Shalom!

[historyteach]

Well,
I went to my house today. I met with a real estate agent -- a neighbor friend. She's been a friend for more than 20 years. I asked her for help appraising the house and selling it.

We went in for the inspection. OMG!!!
The house is a freakin PIG STY!!!!
Grossly FILTHY!!! Stepping over crap filthy! Shyte all over the floor; DIRT! Never cleaned; BIG grease stains on my wood floors!!!

I saw NO evidence of a woman and kids living there. No beds in the other bedrooms for the two kids supposedly living there. The main bedroom only has his clothes there.

This is worse than I ever thought.

My friend suggested a few ways to try and get rid of him; all involve going to court. I don't have the money for that, and told her so. The best option is to take the loss and not renew his lease in Sept.

He's now $8,000 in arrears, since he's done almost NO work since moving in. If you recall, he got $1K off the rent each month in return for work, specifically laid out in the lease. He's not doing it. It's been 8 months living there -- that's $8K he owes me. And I'll never see it...

Shalom!

[gate to]

Teach I'm sorry you're having a rough time,I've been reading your threads and your kind helpful words to all for the last few months.I hope and will say a prayer that things will settle down for you,Thanks for being here.Hugs Gate

[historyteach]

Oh, Gate....

How very kind and thoughtful of you!!!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart... Your prayers and hopes are gratefully accepted...

Shalom!

[51anna]

Oh Teach, what a nightmare!

I remember when you rented to that family, and you were so optimistic that would work out so well for both of you. But, maybe you are best to accept the situation and deal with it when he moves out after the lease ends. You don't really need another fight on your hands right now and I wonder how much it would accomplish anyways.

Can you get it cleaned up before you put it up for sale?

[historyteach]

Anna;
That's what I'm thinking. I'm really not up for another fight. And it wouldn't accomplish a thing. The guy's a con artist. A lying creep.

I won't be able to get it cleaned up, I don't think. I'm putting it on the market asap. He's there until Sept. I doubt I can get him out early.

You're right. I did think this was going to work out so good...
Not the first time I was wrong.
I just want to get this over...

Thanks, Anna...

Shalom!

[MamaGoose]

(((( teach ))))

I'm also in a "wait it out" mode. I think it's where I need to be right now. And I have quite a few things coming at me. I'm hoping what doesn't kill me just makes me stronger.

I also have a small house of my Mom's to rent out and I dread it. You never know what a tenant will really be like. Every time those commercials come on about building up your rental empire ( and all the accompaning cash flow) I think: Yeah, where are you going to be when the toilet overflows and the tenant calls you? Being a landlord is no fun. I guess one could have a property management company take care of that stuff.

Please take good care of yourself. You've been through a lot.

Hugs and prayers

[historyteach]

Thanks, MamaGoose...

I guess this is where I get to practice patience?

I just pray there's nothing else going on. Somehow, I doubt it, though. You know, as soon as he moved in, his computer stopped working - no more emails. Now, he's put his phone on security lock. I cannot leave a message anymore. And he doesn't pick up the phone. Ever. No, there's something wrong there. It's only a matter of time before it shows up.

I'm writing him a letter which I will send certified mail. I'm telling him there will be no renewal of his lease in Sept, and that he must be out Sept 1st. That the house is for sale, and he will have to have it open for viewers as needed. I can only imagine what the response will be. But, I'm giving him the notice that he's out.

Anyone have any ideas what else it should say? Or what I can do to further protect my investment; my home?

Now, I'm off to court, to prove that my old car died. Otherwise, I loose my liscense and pay a $100. fine. I got a 5 day warning ticket to get my old car inspected, but, it died before I could do that. (a blessing in disguise, I guess). But, now, I have to fix this problem. When I called, they said they didn't "know" my car had died; I have to prove it. The place I had it towed have no records; it's where I bought my new car! Thank G*D for AAA! They faxed me the records immediately.

WHy does everything always have to be so hard...
Thanks for listening...

Shalom!

[51anna]

Oh Teach, I didn't mean to sound critical. I actually felt good that you believed things would work out. I find I'm getting more cynical in my old age and when I just go with my gut and believe things will work, it feels good. You know what I mean? Like you said, he's a con man and that's what he does. He's probably very good at it, having perfected it over the years. You had a genuine openness to the situation.

[splendra]

(((Teach)))

[bikewench]

Deb...

When my life came crashing down around my ears... I could have written almost exactly the same tome as you did at the top of this thread... different situations of course... but.. tons of shyte just the same.

It seemed that everywhere I looked... I had crap clinging to me....
Some of it mine... but.. lots of it belonging to others.. that impacted me in some way...
Or.. I thought it did.

I felt responsible for the whole world... and the whole world knew it and used that to the hilt...
And silly old me just kept going along feeling responsible and trying to fix the world.

And God laughs.



But... little by little.. I began to let go of stuff that was none of my concern..... like my parents... my siblings... my child (at least to the point that I knew her games and the ways she tries to manipulate me).. my relationships with men... and with people in general that refuse to pick up the responsibility for their lives.

There was one slogan in ACOA that I particularily had to use a lot.


You can be healthier than those around you.


Whoa...
A choice.

And slowly.. I began to see how people create shyte in THEIR lives with absolutely no concern for how it impacts anyone but themselves...
And I got angry first...
But then.. I started to learn how to let go of those that pluck and pull at my peace and self wellbeing to the point that I cannot give back to the world myself.

And slowly... things began to turn in my life...
Because I started to put my energy into the things that would add to ME.. and let everyone one else feel the power of THEIR choices with absolutely no angst around that.

That way.. I had way more self resources left to deal with my own life crap that comes up... and I had some room and energy to have some fun and feel like I was driving my bus... and not have it chasing me down the freeway.


Turning one's life around is not a small undertaking.

The unfinished business can seem endless....

But.. trust me Teach... your headed in the right direction.


Praying for strength... bullheadedness... and the clarity of thought to let go of whatever ain't yours.

[MamaGoose]

(((( teach ))))

Could you go to small claims court for the rent he owes you?
I went once to get money from a newspaper customer and the whole process was very quick.

[historyteach]

(((Anna)))
I know you weren't being critical...I'm sorry if I sounded as if that were the case.

Bike;
I love your response, except one thing...I honestly don't understand it.
I mean how it relates to me.
The only thing I can let go of, that's not of an immediate concern to me, is my son's stuff. And, even that, well....he's my son. My only child.
I don't carry around his stuff like I once did, but, it does effect me. And it always will. I just don't let it control me anymore.

School - well, I don't have to reiterate what happened there. Let it go? It doesn't belong to me???
Yea, it DOES. It was done TO me over and over and over.
It effected my job; it effected my life.
I don't understand.

My tenent?
He's hurt my credit by not paying the rent on time. Yep, my credit score and even the interest rate on my credit card! And I'm out $8K because he's not doing the work he agreed to do. ANd I cannot "evict" him. RI laws COMPLETELY favor the tenent. I'm stuck and loosing money every day while he damages my home. I can only wait till the lease runs out in Sept.

Trish? Well, there's a hole. I'll be fine, but, there's still times I go into denial about her death...

So, I honestly do not understand what you mean about learning to "let go of those that pluck and pull at my peace and self wellbeing to the point that I cannot give back to the world myself."
What do I let go of here?

I fully appreciate that your telling me something...I'm just not hearing it, I guess. Because none of the above, (or my car dying, or my mom's sickness or....), is stuff I can just forget about.... It's stuff I have to deal with.
And it's wearing...


Thanks, Mama;
It's too much for small claims court. $5K is the limit. Good thought though....

I do appreciate your thoughts all...

Shalom!

[bikewench]

I donno Teach.

Maybe I've finally just numbed to the point that I'm saying... Shyte happens.. ramma ramma ding ding.. or... I've come to understand how powerless I really am in the grand scheme of things...

And transfering that to you...

I know the feeling of shyte coming from all sides and no last rope in sight... so...
I can fully appreciate that your asking me wtf...??

If I came off sounding preachy... I apologize...


I just want you to know that lots of days I chanted to myself.....
The only way out is through.

Praying for positive intervention in your life Teach.

[historyteach]

Bike;
I don't think you're being preachy at all. I've always appreciated your posts.

I AM going through it all. That's what's wearing.
I DO accept it's happening. I don't have any choice but to accept it.
But, it's wearing....
And I have no choice but to go through it.

I don't know, I still feel like I'm missing a piece here....
Cuz I "get" all of the above.
I'm just weary of it all...

Shalom!

[2stop]

Something I read yesterday.........from the The Talmud

The sun will set without your assistance.

I have a really hard time with that too........and quite frankly there ARE things we DO have to deal with.......fix/prevent....repair.......work at......I am struggling a bit with 'letting the sun set with MY assistance'...........

I pray life gets simpler for you soon.....{{{{warmest hugs}}}}


The serenity prayer is always a good reminder for me too....knowing the difference.......that is where I get hung up at though............

Hang in there!!!

[bikewench]

Oy Deb...

Like you... I didn't "get" letting go... or what exactly that meant....
I mean...
I "got" the concept of letting go....
I just didn't know how to implement it....
Or where.






And then one day I thought...
What would happen to all this if I died..???
What would happen to them...
what would happen in this situation..


How would it resolve itself if I was wiped off the face of the earth....????????????




And that's how I started coming at stuff after that....

And man...
completely different picture ...

I saw people's lives playing out in my mind with no assistance from me...
And I saw outcomes of situations with myself out of the picture....
and it just busted everything loose for me...
Let me see things from a whole new angle...


I know today that life is going to keep throwing me crap... cause people will always be people... and sometimes crap happens in spite of our best efforts...

But... I've realized for myself that I was carrying a LOT of needless angst ... and that is what I needed to see so that I could drop it in order to have more energy and pluck left over for the stuff that NEEDED me...

I guess that is why I wrote so generally....
Cause for myself... there were quite a few little things that would come up day after day that I realized I was needlessly stressing over.

That all my fretting wasn't going to change one bit...


So... boof....
let it go into the Universe...



Anyway....
Clear as mud eh Teach....??

I just wish you a lighter load....

[historyteach]

Today, the principal asked me to go to another meeting about a freshman boy. I only met with his mother just before vacation; today was the first day back.

Mom didn't listen to a word I said at the meeting. She LITERALLY turned her back to me as I was speaking to her about her child. With a *harump* and the crossing of the arms across the chest. Melodrama queen.

Mom called principal; said kid wants to make honor roll. Principal wants this meeting, with he, the dean, the sped teacher, the sped aide and the kid and I. It is to see how the kid can make honor roll.

I made it CLEAR to both mom and principal that kid is NOT doing his work. That he had to do his work to pass the class. To get honors, he has to do it well. It's not rocket science ya know?

Principal actually went through the entire class' grades because mom said that "all the kids" were failing! (He has nothing better to do than that?)

Now, since today was the first day back from vacation, it doesn't bode well. Principal is up to his shyte again. We had two parent meetings prior to the vacation. Now this.

I spoke to the union rep, to the sped teacher; and to the union delegate downtown. I am NOT going to be dragged into this shyte all over again! He can put a friggin letter in my file; it'll be the first in 22 years! But, I'm NOT doing this again! I cannot take any more of it!!!!

I had a meeting after school -- faculty meeting. Was irritated all during it. Came home. Tried to have a beer to calm down. Threw half of it away. Couldn't drink it. Got some chinese food, and pigged out. But, ALL THE WHILE, I was in a state....

I felt like my head was rushing. My entire body felt like it was in the flight or fight adreniline response. My throat was on the verge of choking. I'm only just now beginning to calm, and I'm still far from that.

Has anyone felt like this before? What is it? Is this another panic attack?

So, what I'm getting at is I can say "let it go" it won't make a difference in one hundred years or when I'm dead, but, it's being done TO ME right now.

And it's effecting me...Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

Not disagreeing or argueing or anything. Trying to figure out what's going on.
And trying to deal with these effects.

Shalom!

[historyteach]

Well, today's the second day. Same problem.

No more meetings called,but, dealing with principal, union, and kids. Another panic attack. Same throat tightening; like I'm being choked. Head "rushing"??? It's kind of like that. Not throbbing, but, like a constant single rush. Fight or flight response adreniline rush, and tighteness in body muscles. G*D I hate this. I don't feel good at all.

Saw my counselor today. Told her about it. And about how the "let it go" approach; the meditations; the deep breathing.... none of it is working.

She said that I've been in acute stress too long. These techniques will NOT work now. I'm having physiological responses, including panic attacks and high blood pressure. That's what's causing the head rush. (I have always had LOW blood pressure; doc was always very pleased with it.)

She said I have to make certain to treat myself medically now. I have to take the sleeping pills, (trazadone, a mild anti depressant), regularly to get regular sleep. (I've been trying to take it only occassionally.)
She said to take the xanax as needed. It's 1/4 mg; I can take two at a time if needed, but, I rarely take one -- and only when ABSOLUTELY needed. Honestly, I'm afraid of it. One drug addict in the family is enough, tyvm... She said I have to take it more frequently now.
And she said to take days off as needed, and if necessary, to take an extended period of time off again.

Taking an extended time off will be difficult. It's the end of the year. Lots to do with exams; final grades; graduation; prom; retentions and passings as well as year book and emotions involved in the end of the year stuff. Many kids, and myself too, have a bit of separation anxiety.

I have spoken to my doc about the surgery on my knees that needs to be done. They are setting up a new MRI, and depending, I may get it done and return for the end of the year. At least that way, there would be a full time sub for while I'm out. If I were to take individual days off, that wouldn't be good for the kids at this point. So, we'll see what the MRI says. Then, I can make a decision as to when I get it done.

Speaking of anxiety, I asked about the social anxiety I've been experiencing. She said it's common, given the extended state of stress I've been under, for the anxiety to morph. The experience I had at the temple the other night at the Rabbi's engagement party would certainly be explained by my situation at school. I felt very overwhelmed in the crowd, and had to leave. It was not a pretty sight. Went home crying.

Last but not least, I've also had a very LOW tolerance for frustration lately. Anger, irratation and tears are just below the surface, ready to BLOW!
Again, she said that's a very common response to the extended stress. I am at the end of my rope.

I told her just what I told my union colleagues. I CANNOT go through more of what I've dealt with all year. I will break. I will do something stupid. Like have a screaching fit with the jerk principal if he continues after allready being shown to be wrong. He just doesn't GET it. He apologises to me twice for wrongful behavior, and then continues it, using a kinder approach this time. But, it's still the same bs. Stupid meetings, calling me from class for them, and free flow of attacks that have been clearly scripted by the golden girls, and perhaps the dean, (speculation there, but, since she's having sleep overs with them, I've no reason to doubt other innapropriate behavior.) So, I'm worried about loosing it now. And counselor is right when she says that if I do, I loose all the "higher road" benefit I have right now. So, I loose my credibility.

What a mess. And right now, I'm having trouble breathing....and my head is not right...like a rush...and I want to come down.... *sigh*

Thanks for listening...

Shalom!

[bikewench]

Deb....

Sounds like your about to crash.

And it sounds like you think you can will yourself outa that.

There is one thing I totally disagree with your counsellor on though....

She said that I've been in acute stress too long. These techniques will NOT work now.

It is never to late to let go.

In fact...
When a person has a crash/nervous break... that is the ultimate letting go... as the body/mind just cannot bear up under any more...


So.. one can either wait for God to do it....
Or one can start to earnestly begin the process of letting go.

http://www.coping.org/selfesteem/tools/letgo.htm

[historyteach]

Hi, Bike;

I honestly do NOT think I can will myself out of this stressful situation. Quite the contrary. That's exactly why I spoke at length to my counselor about exactly what was happening in various aspects of my life. I was asking if these disparate feelings and behaviors can be tied together. Her reply was actually quite comforting to me. It helped me to know that it was NOT me not following my program. It is a culminationation of prolonged extreem stress. It's a physiological response to what has been happening to me all year.

And, Bike, that's the point. FOr most of the year, I WAS "letting it go." For quite a while, it was helpful. Then, it wasn't.

Letting go didn't continue to work; it couldn't continue to work work under my circomstances because the assault was non stop. And here, after the big meeting we had, and the principal's apologies, I thought it was over. Only to find myself under attack again.

No, this ongoing onslaught is my daily reality at work. One cannot let go of something that is constantly coming at you. The defense system of the body goes into overdrive. That's the excessive stimulation which occurs with the fight or flight response, when one is under attack. And that's why the medications are a necessity for right now. The stress, anxiety, and high blood pressure will all effect other aspects of my physical body and can cause damage there too.

It is the administration's behavior that is a perversion here. That is the reality in my situation. There is no school on earth that runs this way -- because the cannot be run this way! I do not know what his issue is. I know at the beginning, he was being unduly influenced by the dean. That's not so now. Now, I can only speculate it's his desire to please everyone combined with his lack of a spine; the man cannot say "no" if it was to save his life. So, this perversion is my reality. Every day. Never knowing what's coming next, cuz, it's proven that something is ALWAYS coming next.

These are not my perceptions. My colleagues are right with me. They see what's going on; what's happening again. My union is supportive.

I have seen the coping.org site before. It is indeed helpful. It's an extended version of the Cognitive Behavioral system of behavior modification. I'm very familiar with that.

Thank you for your thoughts. And, although I respect your opinions, Bike, for this problem, I'll stick to my doc's recomendation. My health and (perhaps) my very life may depend upon it. I will, however, continue to follow along with the guidelines in the program. Thanks again... You're a wonderful friend...

Shalom!

[bikewench]

Hey Deb...

I honestly do NOT think I can will myself out of this stressful situation.

lol...
you must have misread my post...
That is what I was saying...
Giving up one's will is the ticket.

For quite a while, it was helpful. Then, it wasn't.

That's generally because we take it back. Whatever we have let go of...

it couldn't continue to work work under my circomstances because the assault was non stop.

well...
if ya can't let go....
then how about detaching..??

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm#What

One cannot let go of something that is constantly coming at you.

I disagree.. ;o)

And, although I respect your opinions, Bike, for this problem, I'll stick to my doc's recomendation.

Teach...
regardless of who says what about anything...
In the end.. it is us stuck in the situation.

Me...
I do whatever I can to help myself....
And I won't give my power away easily anymore.
I own my stuff.. and I let go of other people's stuff.

It's an attitude.. and that's all.

The bad can only reach me if I let it.

Anyway....
Praying for you ... for whatever it's going to take to make it right for you.

[historyteach]

Thank you for your kind thoughts, Bike. As always, I'm grateful.

I called my counselor yesterday. I've had 4 panic attacks in four days -- extremely rare for me. She suggested I ask my doc for seroquel. I currently have a prescripion of xanax 1/4 mg which I've used for the rare panic attacks I've had. I also have trazadone for a sleep aide when needed. I also have some depression and take Welbutrin. I've quit smoking 5 months ago.

My concern is this. I've just finished reading about seroquel on the NAMI site and multiple others, as well as the pharmacy fact sheet. They all indicate that seroquel is used to treat the manic stage of bipolar disorder and also for schizophrenia. It is an antipsychotic.

I am not psychotic. I am not bipolar. I am not schizophrenic. Yet, the counselor suggested this for the panic attacks. Without looking it up first, I called my doctor, and he prescribed 1/4 mg of seroquel for me. I'm very sorry I asked for it now.

I had a very very bad experience with medication when I first experienced depression years ago. It was brought about due to my son's heroin addiction and my divorce from my ex which occured at the same time. I do not want to go down that road again - I was so overmedicated that I was stoned out of my mind. Both my doctor and my counselor are aware of this, and aware of my concern about being overmedicated. I am actually afraid of new meds and there are a few that I have REFUSED to take again for any reason. Consequently, I'm upset that I was given this drug when I do not have the problems for which this drug is prescribed. I'm not sure if I'm going to take it.

Please let me know if anyone has heard of using seroquel for panic attacks; anxiety. Nothing I have read even suggests this use.

Thank you for your insights.

Shalom!