What If?????????

[Done_With_It]

I die tomorow, if I lose my job, my animals die, my mom dies, I get into a car wreck, what if so and so hates me, what if..........

Why am I doing this to myself I wonder? I know full well that the 'what if's'
usually never come, statistics show like 98% of the time they don't.

I know 'Worry is misuse of the imagination', I know all this, I study it, I learn it, I know......

But since I've stopped doing meth, 20 weeks now, I am not able to control the what if thoughts like I normally do. They just pop in my head, when i'm sleeping, driving, walking, talking, etc.......... It gives me such anxiety. My heart starts racing, my face goes red, or completely white, feel like I'm going to get sick.

It's embarrasing, people have even asked me 'OMG What's Wrong'?

lol, I don't dare say, well What if my dog gets smashed by something and dies on me? Then what will I do?

Cause there's no logical reason for me to be thinking that she may?

Anyone else ever go through this? This makes me miss those days on meth, where I did't do this.

[PaperDolls]

I play out elaboate situations like daydreams. I play them out in my head and it's like i'm really there. For some reason I've been able to know they are just thoughts or imaginations. My gf plays the what if game more than I do. I don't know if it helps her but the only advice I have it to remember you do't have any control over what may happen.
You could spend literally all day thinking about the what-if's. There's nothing you can do. You just have to remember it's just in your head.

I hope you feel better.

~doll

[Done_With_It]

Thanks P.D. My your avatar is frightening! LOL.....

I just don't know sometimes, I hate these thoughts....

[liveweyerd]

If it gets in the way of your functioning and continues I would suggest seeing a Dr.
jmo

[Done_With_It]

I go to therapy every week.

[rose petals]

done with it--
I have ocd and these are very much my symptoms--i now take prozac and depoakoteand my symptoms are very manageable and reduced--i believe God has also removed this and im so grateful--it was very debilitating--idrank to take the thoughts away many times--i also learned not to get attached to things so much because things do leave eventually--i think that might be a buddhist concept--not sure--i know how you feel --take care
Laura

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by rose petals

done with it--
I have ocd and these are very much my symptoms--i now take prozac and depoakoteand my symptoms are very manageable and reduced--i believe God has also removed this and im so grateful--it was very debilitating--idrank to take the thoughts away many times--i also learned not to get attached to things so much because things do leave eventually--i think that might be a buddhist concept--not sure--i know how you feel --take care
Laura

Rose Petals,

Thank You! You reminded me that when I used to take depakote I never had this problem. They then switched and put me on Topamax, and I still never had the problem. I was on those for years, I'm not right now.

It makes a lot more sense now. I forgot that I used to be just like this before the meds!

That makes me feel better. lol, I mean that I think whenever I am able to get meds again that this will go away...........

Thank you again!

[rose petals]

so glad i was able to help done with it!!--let me know how your doing
Laura

[BSPGirl]

Could be some anxiety problem. What helps me is to rationalize these feelings. Like 'how likely is it that this will happen at all?'. And raeding somewhere that 97% of all the things we imagine happen in our mind never happen at all helps too. Your therapist should be able to help ya look at it more rationally, me thinks.

[ruby red]

I have had your very symptoms for years. It was actually debilitating. Geodon (an antipsychotic) has literally worked wonders for me. I had heard people say they finally found the right med, but I doubted their words, and knew it would never happen for me (since I had been on so many to no avail). Now I, too, can rejoice in finding the right med!!!!!

[PaperDolls]

boo!



Hope you're feeling better today DWI!! I'm thinking of you.

[Done_With_It]

Thanks Everyone. Feel much better knowing I'm not the only one.

Originally Posted by ruby red

I have had your very symptoms for years. It was actually debilitating. Geodon (an antipsychotic) has literally worked wonders for me. I had heard people say they finally found the right med, but I doubted their words, and knew it would never happen for me (since I had been on so many to no avail). Now I, too, can rejoice in finding the right med!!!!!

Ahhh, Thanks that helps. Also explains more to me about why I wasn't like this when I was on meds.

lol, P.D. I feel much better today. Thank You!!!

[angelgirl]

Glad you are feeling better today Ms Done

I too do the what if's. My husband gets so mad at me.. But ya know, he doesn't
understand. I think it has to do with my anxiety. It also seems to be much worse when I am over tired, which is alot, LOL..

You still haven't been able to get back on meds huh? Isn't there a doc that you can
see out there that can give you samples? Or is there a free clinic there? I don't know much about free clinics or if they even do meds like that, because I live in such a small area, and they have nothing liek that in this area, because it's so small, but, I would think in an area so large, and so stressful, there would be easier access to meds. I son't know much outside of my small world though, LOL..

Keep hangin in there darlin..
Prayers,
Becky



This bunny stops to read the message
noding that its true...........

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by angelgirl

Glad you are feeling better today Ms Done

I too do the what if's. My husband gets so mad at me.. But ya know, he doesn't
understand. I think it has to do with my anxiety. It also seems to be much worse when I am over tired, which is alot, LOL..

You still haven't been able to get back on meds huh? Isn't there a doc that you can
see out there that can give you samples? Or is there a free clinic there? I don't know much about free clinics or if they even do meds like that, because I live in such a small area, and they have nothing liek that in this area, because it's so small, but, I would think in an area so large, and so stressful, there would be easier access to meds. I son't know much outside of my small world though, LOL..

Keep hangin in there darlin..
Prayers,
Becky



This bunny stops to read the message
noding that its true...........

I love finding eggs!!

Thanks Angelgirl, I know how it's hard to post on my posts.

I do think it's anxiety, but I think I get anxiety from these thoughts.

I found a way to get all my meds, but the dumb pysch. I saw won't
cooperate. Thinks she can wait all year. She doesn't understand,
so I need to find another pysch. before I end up doing something
stupid.

I got one of my meds and I may try and get more the same way. But it
doesn't always work out, and I only got a few. I don't know what I'm going to do. Just a frustrating time for me right now.

Thanks again for the post.

[angelgirl]

Oh, you found the egg LOL..
See, I am good for something..

So what med did you get?? I am still on Topamax. But only 75mgs. They keep tryin to
raise it, but everytime they do, my anxiety gets worse, so I just keep taking it bback down to 75 again. I don't know. It's all so frustrating. I hate dealing with tryin to find what works. I know I should not complain, at least I can get them, but ti doesn't help if they aren't working, and I don't know what to take next. I have bottles that I have paid for, and they had terrible effects on me, and there is nothing I can do witht he med. I can't tell you how much I have fromt hat happening. I hate to throw it out though, you never know, sometimes, they have tried me on it again at a later date, hat eto repay for it.

So what is goin on with your mom? I am worried for you.
How have you been doing? Anything new?

It's good to talk to you, and no, it's not hard to post on your thread.

I do hope that you get your meds. whatever it takes, you have been without for
a while haven't you??

Hang in there..
Prayers
Love
Becky

[Done_With_It]

I got welbutrin for the ADD. I still am trying to get effexor and topamax.
I was going to go to Mexico and get them this weekend, but the walkouts are making it dangerous to go there right now. And I want to go by myself, so who knows if I'd make it back home if I went this weekend.
I may try craigs again, who knows.

I won't know until tomorow, if she has what they think she has,
it leads to death, and if she has it, there is a 50% chance I have it.
Honestly my health concerns don't mean jack to me right now though.
I'm in a negative mood right now. I hate everything. If she dies
I won't make it. Plain and simple.

Pardon me, "Uncomfortable, I believe were the words."

Yea, it's been awhile, but the meth helped a lot. I honestly felt much better on the meth that I do now. I am hating my doctors atm.......
My life savings has gone to them, my life was arranged around them and insurance and all that for so long..... But Now.......... I'm so just another
case number to them. I lose my therapist at the end of the month too.
Oh joy. Can life get any better.

Don't mind me, I'm just in a bad mood.

[angelgirl]

oops

[angelgirl]

I may try craigs again, who knows

What's craigs?

I do hope you get he meds. It's so difficult to manage without. It's an anfair world, and it sucks, that people can't get wha they need. Makes me sick. There are so many people that needs meds and other help that just can't get it. My son is in the same predicament, he can't even get therapy. It sickens me.

I won't know until tomorow, if she has what they think she has,
it leads to death, and if she has it, there is a 50% chance I have it.
Honestly my health concerns don't mean jack to me right now though.
I'm in a negative mood right now. I hate everything. If she dies
I won't make it. Plain and simple.

I hope you have had good news. Think positive. I knwo that is a hard thing to do, and somthing that I also struggle with, but it is also something that I have to keep working on, because it's so important,. Negative moods bring us down too much, especially with our mood disorder, if we don't work on it, it just makes everything so much worse.

I will say a prayer for you and your mom. I do hope you are having good news..

Pardon me, "Uncomfortable, I believe were the words."

hmmm, I don't recall saying this about your posts. Where did you get this from?
Because I said I was to uncomfortable to post here for a while? I was, and I didn't. But that was had to do with SR, it had to do with the SA forum. But I have begun posting there again, and I still am often uncomfortable there, but I am still posting, for now. I was there today, and actually a bit ticked off about something, but that's the way it goes, I have been around here for a while, and it happens, at least for me, and I know not only for me. I know others that have gottne angry here, or have felt uncomfortable, for various reasons, it surely doesn't mean I am saying anything bad about SR, I am not, sometimes I get upset at a post, sometimes at what a persons view is..

Yea, it's been awhile, but the meth helped a lot. I honestly felt much better on the meth that I do now. I am hating my doctors atm.......
My life savings has gone to them, my life was arranged around them and insurance and all that for so long..... But Now.......... I'm so just another
case number to them. I lose my therapist at the end of the month too.
Oh joy. Can life get any better.

Ya know, I honestly want to say, OH, that's not true, Meth sucks, but I know how you feel, I felt better on pain killers also.. There are so many times that I rememeber that feeling, and I think, oh, if ONLY,,,.

But then, I remember why I got into recovery in the end, it wasn't good, it was terrible, it was ONLY good in the beginning. It sucked in the end. The highs sucked. Take a piece of paper, and write down all fo the reasons you quit, and read them over and over,.. It helps, and keep them. If you don't have them somewhere already. It helps keep a person from picking up, it helps keep those memories a bit more fresh, because we as humans tend to only remember the "good" times.. We forget the terrible agony we put ourselves through when we want something.

Well done, I hope things get better for you, I truly do..


Good luck,
Prayers to you and your mom

Becky

[BeginAgain]

(((Done))) and (((Becky))) I have been reading this exchange and I can relate. I do the " what if" thing all the time. I have conversations with myself too and I have often wondered if that is a sign of some textbook case of a strange disorder I have. Like what if I have.....

I will get anxious about an upcoming event or problem and I'll play it out in my head playing all the parts. Maybe that's normal...I don't know. I've done it since I was young.

Becky I've been laying kind of low around here for the same reasons you have. I just can't handle the judgement of my particular choice of addiction treatment. Just because it isn't right for some doesn'tmean it isn't right for me. It's not like I was looking for the easy way out. I tried everything else first. This is working for me and it's keeping me stable enough to work on myself and to try an get to the root of some of my underlying deep issues that were never addressed in all the years I was clean before.

I can also relate to that feeling of being better on my drug of choice than I am without it. I know that isn't really true and it comes back to playing that tape all the way through. In the end I wasn't better - I kept getting sicker and the drugs did nothing in the end but make me miserable.

My biggest mental and emotional challenge right now is that I am changing and growing and everything around me is staying the same. I hadn't bargained on that - you know you go into this thinking everything will get better because you aren't using anymore - but it isn't true. Not for me atleast. I am running up on lots of struggles with my husband and family and co-workers and employees - just about everyone around me. I go - AH-HA now I remember how much I hated that and it was definitely a trigger for using more and more. So I feel like I am getting stronger and changing and I am still having to deal with all the other stuff staying the same. I guess I am having to take a long hard look at my life. I've got some decisions to make about how to proceed and what can be worked out - or what can't be. It's quite depressing and makes me feel anxious about the future. All those WHAT IF's just come bubbling to the surface. LOL

Hang in there girls. Done - you hang tough girl - there is nothing that you can't face in recovery - really. Using won't help..it only complicates matters more.

[Done_With_It]

Thanks to both of you.

I'm in a MUCH better mood now.

I was just having a night. I
was scared, wanted to use, etc.
It's easier to be mad and negative sometimes, I guess.

I wish you guys wouldn't let those sub posts get to you.
I'm one of the ones who will fight anyone who continues to try and judge you, just like I have in the past.

If I could have gone on 'Prometa' believe me I would have.
It does not matter what others think about your recovery.
You know and that is what counts. Like I've said before
we come here for support not to defend ourselves.
We are all different, we all need different things.

If someone wants to judge you that is "THEIR" stuff.
Let them, but don't waste your energy, don't let them
rent space in your head. Not worth it.

Luv Ya Both!

DWI

[2stop]

((((((((((Done)))))))))))))

[Done_With_It]

Thank You ((((Tammie))))

[PaperDolls]

Hope you're having a good day DWI!

[Purrdy]

DWI...I have had vivd dreams this last week....all about death.....I 'see' death. I feel it...

Sometimes I see car crashes...with such detail i have to wonder if they have actually happend.....I see people being killed in trains and aeroplanes...this scares the ...out of me...i try to brsuh it aside and hope it doesnt happen.....

I worry that by all the negative thoughts I will make something happen.....

I dont know where the thoughts come from and i dont know who to talk to about it....my sponsor say its depression...I have been like this since i was a child....
i can be ok somedays then BAM! in comes a thought...a desperate thought about death and suffering.....where the heck does it come from and why?

I guess its just part of me and one day it may fade...but ever since i can remember this kind of thinking just seeps in....even on a good day.....i try not to think about my hubs and the kids and stuff becausei cant stand the pain of losing them....its the pain of loss i feel.....


when i read about Miricle...I could feel the pain of loss....I feel bad that she is gone but what gets me is the pain the pain that people feel when they lose someone...I feel that pain so bad somedays its killing me...then i brush it aside and pretend i dont feel it..just be happy and get on with my day....some days i feel so tired...so exhausted with the amount of hurt and pain...I FEEL other peoples pain...i feel helpless like i cant help them...i pretend itsnot happening.....this is the stuff in my head this is the stuff i feel.......i have never told anyone this stuff before

so no ...you are not alone thinking about the what ifs...i try not to think about what ifs...they come to me frequently...uninvited guests in my head......


I admire you DWI...so much....meth is such a hideous thing to overcome...i had never heard of that before coming to SR...i read about it....i have seen some stuff about it...i am in awe of you...keep it up...life has got to gett better right?

love and prayers to you and i hope you dont hurt too much ......love purrdyxxxx

[Done_With_It]

((((((PAPER DOLLS)))))) I luv ya girl!!!!!!!!!!


Purdy, I can relate so much to what you said. I don't get why I am like I am, My mom says one of my grandpa's was just like I am, that his heart was just so big, ironically he was married to my 'crazy' grandma where I also think I got a lot of the
'mental' issues from.

My family and friends say I have too much empathy for people, things, etc. I agreee, I really have tried to not let
things 'touch me' or get close too me, but they do.
It has gotten me in trouble before, lol, too many times...

Did you read the post in this post about OCD. I read up on it and I do have some of those tendencies. Not all of them, but it got me thinking about it.

Thank you for your admiration, I really do appreciate it. I so regret the day I ever touched meth. I've tried a lot of things, even crack once. Nothing got it's grip on me like meth. It's tough. But I'm determined to beat it. I'm almost to my 6 month mark. That's crazy!!
Damn, do I ever miss it though. Esp. right now. Lot of stuff going on in my life, hard stuff. I am making it though. One hour at a time!!!

You hang in there. Have you talked to your doctor about what you said? Read about OCD, it's interesting.