someone...please HELP ME

[Purrdy]

HELP ME...im going mad...im going so damned mad in my own head ive had enough of this i really have....unfocused...mad thoughts and i cant do this...i cannot do this for much longer arrghghghghghghghghghghg!!!!!

[OnceNice]

Purrdy, I'm here. I'm here. Are you a cat lover. I have my wondeful fat cat clementine She helps me sometimes.

Thoughts stink. They stink so bad, like a dirty damn shoe floating down the sewer water. Don't ya think. But I'm here. I'm at work and I'm here.

I don't have any wisdom and I'm about as screwed up as a light bulb in a tight socket. Did that makes sense. Any way. I'm here for ya.

[2stop]

((((((((((((purrdy)))))))))))))

I have gone through these times....thoughts so crazy and unfocused and I just felt insane.

Try and take a deep, slowww breath...blow it out....real slow...repeat a few times. I say a prayer for my higher power to guide direct me to a source of help, strength, hope....I ask and remain quiet.....breathe in....breathe out.

Do you take any medication that has maybe ran out? More stress than normal lately?

I wish I could do more to help you....this too shall pass...but boy I know I HATED hearing that!! My mind wouldn't stop wandering around...it was like a mad mad gypsy........wouldn't settle down for nothin...it will though my friend...it will.

Keep posting.......others will be along with support soon. Hang in there, k?

[OnceNice]

Purrdy, where did you go? Are you out there somewhere.
Let's talk about our cats. Let's talk about our screwed up life, let's talk about anything. Anything you want.

I'm here Purrdy!
Take care. I sent you a PM too

[angelgirl]

Hey Purrdy..

I am thinking about you as well. Said a prayer for you also. Hoping that things have
calmed a bit, and youa re feeling better??

We truly care about you here. It was actually suprising to me, to see how many people
really do care, but so many really do. It a good feeling. So many people, from all over the world, no matter what they feel about anything else going on in the world, (politics, war, economics, etc) have all come together here, and they all care about eachother, because we share some common issues, and because we are all people.

As I said, I hope you are feeling better tonight. I hope your head has cleared, and your mind is at ease.. I hope you sleep well.

Let us know how you are doing, we care.

Prayers,
Becky

[c'est la vie]

I hope you made it through that tough moment in your day without doing anything you would regret. Please let us know how you're doing.

[Purrdy]

hi, I got up late....i got my kids to school on time! can you believe Will is going to represetn his tutor class today and meet the Duke of Gloucester! so last night i spent time fixing his uniform and polished his shoes etc....
the alarm woke me up but i tilted back into sleep and overslept this morning...god i feel lousy....

I am aware that there are som any peolpe who feel the same as me...i have decided to go to the lunchtime meeting today...but feel a bit like Rose...its like oh god i dont really want to go...it takes such an effort...i know that getting out will help me but i want to stay cocooned inthe saftely of my own home...using excuses not to go out....

My sponsor told me I sound depressed still...ha ha bless her how does she know me so well?!!!!

I wish i could be one of those normal people you know that leaves school get a job, has loving parent swho would lay thier life down for you and supply you with the love and secutrity you need...but I am bloody 40 years old for gods sake...when am i going to wake up and get myself a life?

I left my last job because of the bullying and could not stand the horrendous way they treated the kids....now i feel like an alien...i have no job, no focus...im drifitng from day to day spending more and more time on SR....I just dont want the real world...i want to wrap myslef up in a bubble and nobody can hurt me anymore..


I have the most loving caring husband who would lay his life down for me....my kids adore me....I have some friends who love me to bits.....so Why then do i feel so unlovable?

is it becasue i totally despise me? is it the guilts and shames of the past? i dont really know...ive always been honest.....but when it comes to me its like im not worth a thing....

god low self esteem......


i nknow that only i can do something about this...but what?

right now I just cannot face getting a job or even applying because i fear rejection...ive been to several interviews over the last year and got nothing.....what the hell is worng with me?

I used to feel so passionate about what i do but now i feel its been beaten out of me...they have finally won......where has my passion gone? my commitment? my love for the kind of work i love to do? where has it gone? inside i feel nothing.....nothing at all...its like someone has taken my passion and love away and left a void...someone in a meeting once described it as 'kicking a puppy' thats how i feel like ive been kicked and kicked and now ive given up.......ive crawled right back under the stone where they want me to be.... infact im sure a lot of people would like to see me dead.....well f@ck them.....


this it you see...i can come across as being the vivacious, vibrant, confident woman.....it frightens people...they dont want that do they...they want that puppy to fu@king whip and beat.....

the thing is there is a side to me that is confident, fun loving and confident..but i swing from side to side!....if only they knew the pain the anguish and the fear that is deep within me...would they be such @rseholes to me then?

I am still that little girl wanting so desperatly to be liked...just liked thats all......just seen for the person i am..osmeone who f@cking CARES.....


when i make a friend I am fiercely loyal...to the point where i would kill to save you...i woul d lay my life down for you....then i get scared because then you have all the holding cards...you can wipe me aside, thenleave me with nothing....Trust trust.....i have been so hurt and let down by the very people I trusted..they F@cking kicked me so hard and twisted the knife so much witha huge smile on thier faces...and it hurts like hell....so today what are you left with? a mess thatas what....me....

you are left with me...a foolish 40 year old who is to damned frightend to apply for a job and get her life back on track......


I have made some wonderful friends on here, im honoured...but still feel lsess than...im scared and lonely in my own head...its like im here but im not...maybe i am sick and maybe ia ma going to die...i just dont know....

if i died would anyone really notice for long?

that is not pity stuff it really makes me wonder you know...i feel so insignificant right now...........

like a tiny tiny dot on the screen...the world is so big and here i am so insignificant in it all...so meaningless, so redundant......

this is how i feel about ME...how can i heal that? how can i take a long hard look in the mirror and say kenny i love you for who you are....how do i do that and really mean it?

how do i live my life? where is the instruction manual?


i used to play my guitar....i have tow very sad looking instrumetns in the house neglected and unplayed...the joy has gone its simply gone.........


i will pray and i will go to that meeting...i will pick up a newspaper on the way home and i will keep looking for a job.....

i will keep doing the daily stuff...i will...i have no choice.......

I am 5 years sober...i thought life would be better well it is theres no dobt about that....but mentally the madness festers it lives on...it is my very own nightmare.....

i guess i keep going through the motions...something will shift...something will give...i will just try and keep on keeping on...i will tell that committeein my head to **** off!!!

thankyou for listening....i dont even mind if you havnt read this..its whati needed to do this morning to stop myslef going mad......

madness....


purrdyxxxx

[c'est la vie]

It's amazing how similar I feel. Have you worked on Step 4? Have you been in AA for all 5 years? I'm afraid to even get started because I don't want to dig all that stuff up. It started coming to the surface when I was going to AA and then I quit.

I wish there was an answer because I need it too. Instead I just continue to feel sorry for my pathetic self. I hope you made it to your lunch meeting.

[Purrdy]

yes i did the meeting...and got together with my sponsor...then fell on my knees and prayed to whatever it is that is supposed to be god or hp......to aks for this to be taken away...

yes i went to AA the day after my wedding anniversary 5 years ago this FEB...i never looked back......i have been thinking of drinking so i used all my energy today and courage...whats left of it to get to a meeting...whixh of course helps.....there is a lot of pain around atthemoment...its good to feel some identification with others you dont feel quite so alone....god im such a mental wreck right now....i feel like going on some sort of bender....but i cant.....somone just lock me up and fill me with drugs.....

[BigSis]

With that big pond between us, I can hardly lock you up... but I can fill you with a prayer, if you like.


((((Purdy)))

Sending, right this minute, prayers for comfort... peace... release from pain.

Feel that? Just over your shoulder? That was one of them... here they come.

[BSPGirl]

Are you on any meds and/or do you see a therapist, Purrrdy? If not, you might consider looking into either one of those options or both. Good luck.

[bikewench]

Purrdy....

That angst is your body and psyche trying to get right...!!!!!

And the really sad crazy thing is that that is what we run from....
that constant prodding of the body and mind to get right....

Anxiety is a red flag that is screaming....

YOUR NOT DOING RIGHT BY ME.

And if it's not us that do right by us....

then who..??


And generally.. it's not huge things really that we need to change...
it's a gaggle of little things...
little fears...
little crazy thoughts...



It's awesome that you reached out at this time as well...
for that's the only pill that will fix us...

opening up.. letting it out... and letting others in...

trusting...

talking....

feeling...


That's how I get well...

Purrdy... you hang in there...
and when things get bad.. find someone to give you a few minutes of love... to fuel you so that you can go on ... on this journey of wellness...


Be brave...

[Justme57]

Oh! Purrdy , ((((((((((( )))))))))))) I am so sorry that i wasnt here yesterday for you . I DO hope you are feeling better now.

I know exactly what you mean, I too, suffer from fear of rejection. i also, have been isolating here at the PC more than i should, but at least i recognise it, and know what i should do, it is the doing that is hard, and the longer i isolate the harder it is

My Spons tells me, " do the next right thing" and all else will fall into place.She also thinks I am depressed ! LOL. I fight taking any kind of meds, my Mother was a drug addict, before they even knew that term, she used to drink " sleeping medicine" ( Chloral Hydrate),all day, and I have a horror of drugs of any kind, guess thats why I drank booze!

I am thinking of you Purrdy my friend, and I do hope that by the time you have read this, it has passed.

Wouldnt it be great if we all lived " round the corner" and could drag each other to meetigs and for coffee?

HUGE HUGX

Lee

[OnceNice]

Purrdy, I'm soo sorry you are still feeling the way you do. I wish I could just come and see you so bad. I know exactly exactly what you are feeling and thinking.
I still try to medicate with Beer.

I wish I could just sit with you and have a cup of coffee. I too am 40 years old and feeling like I'm a ignorant teenager. All my family members are married with children. T

I just wish we could sit and stuff our faces with good food and vent face to face.

I think the two of us probably do better in smaller groups of people than large ones.

I hope your day gets better.

[janeeyre]

Oh Purrdy, I had no idea you were feeling so unhinged yesterday. If I lived over there I'd bring you flowers and fresh warm bread. You are a jewel.


Love,
Jane

[Purrdy]

yep totally unhinged....simply hanging off the door..........

im not the only one...im not alone.....

[angelgirl]

Hey Purrdy,,

You are definately not the only one, and for sure not alone. I can relate to alot of what you said. Alot.

Man, as I read, I could not believe that I could have written alot of those things.
But what do we do, we get help. We have to. WE just keep on plugging away, and
asking for help.

Do you see a therapist? I do. That has helped me a bit. But I still really struggle with trust. I am also about as loyal as you can get, if you can get to that point with me, but breaking through my barrier is a whole other issue. I have a tough one. It's all fear.

I too have no job. I too sit here in front of the computer way to much of the time.
SR is great, but so is getting a life. I understand that.

So what do WE do, we just keep on talking about it, and we just keep on going to meetings, working with your sponsor, and a therapist, and I attend other groups as well. I tend to get much worse, my thoughts get much worse, if I don't go to enough meetings, groups, or if I miss my therapists appt. or if I don't pray enough. These are the things that get me through..

I am praying for you Purrdy..
Hang in there girl,,
We are much alike,
Love,
Becky

[OnceNice]

Where ya at Purrdy. I need my good friend. I'm thinking of you.
YOu don't live in the States do ya.
We are suppose to have a big ole thunderstorm tonight here in the midwest state of missouri. I'm looking forward to it as long as no one gets hurt. I need a good storm.

What time is it there anyway. So I can figure out when's a good time to get ya. I can only post when I'm at work (which I'm sure my job loves but sowhat)

Anyway, I thinking of you.

[Purrdy]

Thankyou everyone...Once nice you need to clear out your PM box!!!

Winelover I have done a thourough step four but need to work on the daily stuff...ill keep going back!

Big sis thanks I needed that prayer today just to help get me to a meeting but i did it so thankyou!

BSp girl, I am on meds I have just upped the medication for a week to see how it goes...

bikewench ...wise words as ever many thanks to you

Just me 57 Im hanging in there kid just hanging in ther thanks for your support
janeeyre, the kind thoughts are enough right now...its good to know you all care so much
angle girl thanks for connecting with me...i feel like im so alone sometimes but you have related to my madness like so many others here its good to know im not alone.....

thankyou all for helping me stay sane......

h..

[OnceNice]

I did clear out my PM box I put it in a folder called "friends" but you and koko could not get through. I'm not too good at this but I though we could put them in a folder is that not right?

[angelgirl]

It seems to me that even if we put them in a folder, it still adds them to the total number of PM's we have. So we can only have 50 total. I think. I have had the same problems. Make sure that your total is not over 50. I am hoping someone else will come along and tell us how we can work the folders so we can have more than 50 pm's. Do I make sense, I know what I am trying to say, but sometimes it's hard to express it, when not in person. That happens alot for me.

Love ya all,
Becky

[51anna]

Purrdy,

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much now and I don't have any answers. You've gotten lots of advice and support from your friends here and I hope it helps. I can only say again, that you are not alone when you feel like this. Is it possible that you can try changing medications and that a different one would work differently? Obviously leaving your job was a major change in your day to day life and it's understandable that you're feeling lost right now. Have you considered doing volunteer work? That made a huge difference to me when I moved to a new city at the same time as stopping drinking.

[historyteach]

(((Purrdy)))
My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend...
You'll be ok. One day at a time.
Honest, you will...

Shalom!

[CarolD]

I am so sorry for your pain.

Hugs and Prayers for your peace.

[c'est la vie]

How are you feeling today?