someone...please HELP ME

[Purrdy]

well I got up...i got dressed...i took kids to school....i got on SR...i have a heap of mails to return....my head feels fuzzy....i have not taken a drink...thank god....that is a miricle...im playing the tape....i still feel so sad and unfocused...im too damned scared to apply for jobs.......

I had a long chat with my sponsor yesterday...she helps to smooth my feathers down.....I ma haveing dreams.....abaout being pregnant and then losing the babies...two of them.....dead.....what the hell is that all about?

I am drifitng from day to day...hell i dont know where this month has gone....i feel like im here but in a dream....

oh god why do i have to feel like this?...did i really choose this existance?...im not living....I dont want to live......I dont know how to do life?.........


if this is what life is about then i give up...i dont want this......


its like having to be here to just be here and experience pain...its gone on for so long now.......


the meds kicked in but now i seem to have plateued (sp)....I upped them yesterday i will see how that goes...

its like im a dog waiting for its owner to came and take me out.......

someone save me from myself?....does that make sense?......

I never had the guidance when i was young..and now imfeeling my way through life......i keep messing up......

day to day to day to day to day...i drift...doing nothing....not wanting to be here.......


why why why why why ?????? what is this all about?.........

[Purrdy]

crying crying crying......i feel sick.......i feel like i want to sleep but i cant........i hurt like a huge gaping soul ache you know? inside i hurt I ache so deep inside like I really am dying...


i want to sleep forever...just sleep and never wake up..............I have so much to do and i cant do it...because i hurts too much.....


No motivation....its like wading through treacle........im so heavy and weighed down...


THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!!!


THIS IS MY LIFE TODAY!!!!!


I want to get out of me...get away from my body......right out and right away I hate being me I hate it.....there is nothing nothing nothing nice about me right now....


I feel sick






i have work this afternoon...i will go......i went to a meeting yesterday...i spoke to my sponsor today...i have made an apt to see my doctor...i was asked to eat something...so i did......


So you see people I am trying to do the next right thing....I am...I keep trying

i keep trying i keep trying i keep trying.....im so tired of trying but i keep trying........

[Purrdy]

This Is The Madness In My Head Today.......................

[Purrdy]

ok... a new day...maybe i need to vent this off each day...clear the way to start my day?....my head is so thick inthe mornings....i feel heavy like ive not slept....well today i have to do something...so as i ve posted in aanother thread i am going to wash my car...boy it needs it...all tahat rock salt and mcuk from winter..she needs polish too...she is my pride and joy and i give her the full works...pleas god let the weather hold!!!!......

so head thick with sleep....stomach empty, still, not so sick feeling today......

I have seen a couple of jobs posted to...i will (did you see htat?) I WILL print of fthe application forms and apply I will do that this weekend....

I amgetting to the point now where i just dont care if i work or not...i dont care anymore!....my university have given me an extention on my assignment...cant face that right now.......

i need to wake up...i feel so asleep......i feel disjointed stilll........i need to pray for a bit.......i think?......

head not so full of death this morning.....and i didtn dream lst night...went to bed in the early hours and read untill i fell asleep......

so herei am in my pj's stillat 10.40... time to go and do something kenny time to go...oh and I might even pick up my guitar later....trim the nails down and do it.......it has to gett better right??????

[BSPGirl]

Hmm don't up med dosages without talking to a dr, please, not such a good idea. Other than that, yes life is hard...but as lame as that may sound, there's a lot of fun in life and living too, it all balances itself but sometimes that's really hard to see.

[Purrdy]

s ok i was told to up them a few weeks ago but felt ok so didnt..should have know n this would happen...

Well have heart ot heart with hubby today...god i love him so much...i am blessed....if anything was to happen to him i really would die of a broken heart.....

fears fear fear.......

[Live]

Glad you took Dr's advice and changed dosage. It really does get old the trial and error of finding the right meds, but they have found the right mix for me finally and because I have found depression to be a progressive illness also, I am not going to be silly and decide when my life does start going well that I don't need them anymore. I don't know if I have another recovery in me.
I got such a lecture from my DR about trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
However, my shrink DR, does monitor my life circumstances and tells me that situations are just about as important as the meds, so I always have to do the footwork to create, manage and live in as healthy circumstances as I can manage.
One thing at a time, one day at a time. You are doing your footwork and your meds will catch up soon. And one day you will wake up and realize hey, I don't feel awful!

[Purrdy]

well i didnt apply for those jobs..yet and i need to get my extention for uni sorted too...why am i so lathargic,,,,?

boys are on easter hols this week...i have called my cousin to see if we can go visiti her..she has a boat and take us out on the solent.....


i need a break......right now i just wish i could get right out of my head and lock the door behind me and never return....

i want togo toa meeting toinght...but am unsure of myslef i am getign ti the point wherei dont wnat ot go out....not good.....

anyway time for brakfast....coffee and cigarettes......


ararghhhsee i cannot help myslef these days!


hopless.....

[Bozo]

Try prayer and ask your HP for help and relief from bondage of self. You sound like a person that is suffering deeply from a disease called depression.

When I was two years sober I went through the same thing you did. As a matter of fact I was inches away from a nervous breakdown.

Prozac worked for several years and when that stopped working I made the switch to Zoloft which just barely helps me maintain.

You are full of fear, anxiety and depression. I pray that this will be lifted from you soon.

[historyteach]

Well, Purrdy;
You've been sharing and having a tough time of it. It's great that you are sharing.
Now, the first order is to beging to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Physically -- eat right, get exercise, get 8 hours of sleep at night.
------------ so, coffee and cigarettes for breakfast? How about coffee, fruit and a piece of toast? Or some oatmeal? Would you let your kiddies have coffee and cigs for breakfast?
So, get your day started right. Do the first right thing. Then focus on the next right thing.

What can you do for yourself in the mental, emotional and spiritual spheres?
Be well, Purrdy....

Shalom!

[Purrdy]

i am seeing a docotor tomorrow...i checked the time just now...im hanging on by my fingernails...i HATE relying on anyone...whoes to say wether im well or not...i dont trust doctors...i hope she will listen to me.....i hate being played with by doctors...meds up meds down...i hate it.....

[Purrdy]

i want to be well...I DO>>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I cannot stand much more of this existance!!!!!!! i want it all to just stop......i want some peace......just for a little while so that i can feel at rest with myself....right now im in contant angst......

[2stop]

I knowm you do Purrdy...I know. Please let me know what I can do to help, k? If ya want me to call you.PM me your phone number.......

[Justme57]

Me too Purrdy , I will ring you if you would like me too, PM me ya number too

HUGX
Lee

[Purrdy]

i came to sober recovery to find others that FEEL the same way as me...i have shaed alot of pain on here...am i in the right place?


im gettting fed up with AA...i believe that this 'depression' or mental illness is getting in the way of my recovery....do ou undertand that?

when i went to AA i was so happy for about 3 years...the lst 2 years hve been hell...i keep doing all the 'right things' but its not changed...at Christmas i experienced an all time low...i am just recovering from that.....i am trying i just want you to knwo that....i really am trying....

i have taken positive steps today...doctor and meeting....someone got up asn walked out when i was sharing...because it was not a
AA related???.....i f i cant vent there if i can tvent here then do i shut up keep laughing and pretend everythingis ok?

i have to write this down...i just do....i know i absolutely know that some of you know how i feel and that to me is like a healing balm....thaknyou for all your support.......

[doorknob]

Hi Purrdy,

I thought you may find this site helpful:

LifeRing Europe - http://www.liferingeu.org/

DK

[jcade]

Dear Purdy,
I'd like to be your friend. I don't want anything from you but your friend :bun5 ship.
Believe it or not I have fought the same demons you are fighting now. I am who I am nothing more nothing less.

I am always here Just call my name and I will come

I wish you the best Stand up purdy and say I am someone special and get back to life.
You deserve it

And remember "Fake it till you make it" if you have too! But you have to keep chipping away at it or you'll never make it!

[Purrdy]

Thank you all of you who have posted on here....I really appreciate your concern and love.....the way i chip at it is to vent ...say how it is...if i didnt, all of this mush would remain in my head and it would be like a dustbin for ever more...

My hub is at home this week and he has taken me out and spoiled me somthig rotton.....sometimesi feel as if i dont deserve him...sometimes the pain in me hurts so much its like i have nothing...then he is here looking after me......LOVING ME UNCONDITIONALLY!

what would i do if i lost him i would never survive i would die of a broken heart....sometimes the thoughts of death and lonliness make me want to die its like ok you have it all now im going to take every last thing away from you and leave you with nothing.......

that is the crap i have to deal with everyday every single day of my life....

When i was little i was left....abandoned...i had absolutely nothing....people abused my brother and me......we were abused, starved and locked up sometimes....there was even a time when i had no clothes...we were nothing absolutely nothing...abandoned .....a waste of space...nobody helped ...we were so unloved...or loved with conditions.....

my dad lives in florida....i have not heard from him in over 3 months now.....i dont need him anymore but the pain of not being in contact hurts....i send him emails he does not reply...i think its because my step mom deletes his messages....

so i guess he doesnt even know....


ALL of my step moms have been like that...fu ck ing unhinged every last single one of them.....the only person my dad really loved was my mum.....I absolutely know that because last year we went to see him and listening to him that is more or less what he said.......


he even cried when we left ...thats a first.....


the thing is all of this stuff is out of my control and n the past but it still hurts me. it still hurts.....


then i look at what i have.... so many people who love me and really but really care about me......

I guess that this life i have to learn to love myself....that is difficult when i have had a lifetime of being unloved...hubby is helping me with that he makes me feel so worth being alive.....


history said would you like your kids to have cigarettes and coffee for breakfast?.....be well purrdy......

you know something history ...i did buy fruitjuice and i have been eating a proper breakfast.....or at least trying to! I even brought yoghurt!!!!

So you see people YOU are my god...I listen to you itry to take it n board.....somehow although we dont really know eachother in person we are all connected...through experience of life....I cannot believe in hp anymore...i cannot believe in a god that is 'seperate' as far as im concerned its whole like a ball....round.....complete....we are all connected to everything from a simple speck of dust to the person you are reading this.......

As for AA...I dont know ....I cherish the peopl I have met in recovery but the AA stuff is doing my head in.....

I had a lovely emial from an AA freind today....he jsut said how it was...in a very simple way for him and how it is...he really cares....

so thankyou for reading this and replying.....you are my god....the people i love are my god...my things are my god........

that is how it is for me today



and i thankyou


with love and hugs

purrdyxxxxx

[Five]

Purdy, when I get down (down meaning that tense black feeling that seems to set hold in my blood stream, sapping me of all energy and hope)

I try to:

eat breakfast.
make sure I do some walking in the day.
write things down.
be nice to people.
read something stimulating.
do a good days work.

by the end of the day I feel a great deal better.

Anway, hope some of that helps.

[jcade]

Dear Purdy,
When I was just a boy I was severely abused by 3 people. And my only escape was the green army man I'd always clutch in my hand! I always just wanted Daddy to come home but he was at work! And momma had left me when I was just 7 on Christmas eve.

I was so mixed up all my life trying to self medicate and nothing worked for me! Until I finally broke down and said if I'm gonna die then let me die! But you know something I really wanted to live so I sought out a proffesional pschyiatrist and she has done more for me than anyone else in my life.

The meds make me not live in the past and allow me to function at work and actually look forward to the day!

[ruby red]

Jcade, that makes me cry. Kudos to you for what you are doing.

[Purrdy]

Originally Posted by Five

Purdy, when I get down (down meaning that tense black feeling that seems to set hold in my blood stream, sapping me of all energy and hope)

I try to:

eat breakfast.
make sure I do some walking in the day.
write things down.
be nice to people.
read something stimulating.
do a good days work.

by the end of the day I feel a great deal better.

Anway, hope some of that helps.

Yes and thankyou FIVE....you and Margot are cherished.......

[Purrdy]

Originally Posted by jcade

Dear Purdy,
When I was just a boy I was severely abused by 3 people. And my only escape was the green army man I'd always clutch in my hand! I always just wanted Daddy to come home but he was at work! And momma had left me when I was just 7 on Christmas eve.

I was so mixed up all my life trying to self medicate and nothing worked for me! Until I finally broke down and said if I'm gonna die then let me die! But you know something I really wanted to live so I sought out a proffesional pschyiatrist and she has done more for me than anyone else in my life.

The meds make me not live in the past and allow me to function at work and actually look forward to the day!

yes my freind you and i are connected through mutual pain...i used to have Sindy dolls...hA I loved them dolls and one day my step mom told everyone i was such a baby for having them...at 13 i put them all out for the bin men...all day at school i kept hoping it wasnt bin day and rsuhed home at 4pm to retrieve them.....of course they had gone....broke my heart...my fault i know but it was almost to appease others

i have met some friends who still have all thier dolls from when they were little....makes me feel stupid now to think that throwing away my only cherished posessions could make them think better of me.....

Waht a dork........

[OnceNice]

Geez Purrdy, I just read through your thread more. I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
Jcade the same for you.

The world is so crazy sometimes isn't it. People can just be down right cruel.

What we can do about them. Well I know what I do. I curse them out in my head and think terrible terrible thoughts and end up wasting all my energy on a goofball that pis sed me off in the first place. Which makes me even more mad.

I always wanted to take people who screwed us up as kids and put them in a stockade. You know like they used to. In public, so we can just look at them in discust. The heck witht he jails and Sheet. Just let them hang around in stockades on the street. Be humiliated, cold, hungry and wet. See how their minds turn out.

Oh sometimes I get so mad. I just want to punch somebody. Hope the girl sitting next to me at work keeps her mouth shut. Ha. Just kidding.

Oh Purrdy, Purrdy. Lets me and you, and Jcade too just put all them Aholes in a great big bubble and blow them away.

I got a great job, you got a great husband. I don't have cancer. And our pets our cute. Everyone else can suck an egg. Tis the season too anyway.

[Purrdy]

Thanks ROse...you know by writing this stuff down its better than seeing a councellor or therapist...although i am on a waiting list to see one...to be quite honest i think that all the adversity we have in our lives somehow makes us better people...

I have huge problems with the word god ya know....

mydad once said to me if there was a god he wouldnt have taken your mum away from us and i believe that to be true...so i am stying away from AA, bloody bible punching doo gooders..(and i dont mean the people on here but i have had my share of them!!!! twisting the knife and smiling sweetly at you!)

I have turned and shyed away from all of that i beleive our actions speak louder than words...i beleive good thougths generate good things...not some bloke with a beard in the sky......the childhood god we were all brought up with,,,pah!

today i am happy to be here with my family...to have good freinds and people who are not going to judge me but accept me the way iam GOOD and BAD...LIGHT and DARK...

i think its ok to think bad thought or revenge and stuff actually i think it normal...after all isnt that what is shown us through the media of TV and books for instance?.......

the good always out weighs the bad...in the end...so its good to get this crap out of your head and say it how it really is insteado f pretendign everything is just fine when it isnt.......

Today its ok.....but if i ever see that woman again(my step mother) i will run her over...and then just for good measure reverse to make sure i did the job properly....LOL.....as if! as if i would throw my life away on that! but the thought is there...
As far as im concerned she is still suffering....I will have more in two daysof my life than she will ever have and that my freind is the greatest revenge....she created her own crap ...not me....i dont have to do a thing....

just had to throw that out people hope i do not offend it is my therapy......

love to you all...especailly you today ROSE....remember about that AADy in my last PM.....love kxxxxxxxxxxxxxpurrdyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx