Issue with my girlfriend

[Wolf_22]

Hey everybody. Haven't been here in awhile, but it's mainly because everything was going good. Well, seems something is kind of needing attention now...

I have been going out with someone now for about 1.5 to 2 months. She's wonderful, beautiful, compassionate; all the above. She's also religious, and somewhat naive I think. Maybe she's not naive, but to me she seems like she is about some things.

Last night she and I got home from hanging out around the town. We went to a local furniture joint to check out a computer desk(s) and then we went to a local sushi bar. Good stuff, but all through the night I was feeling a bit down about my laptop giving out on me this week and when I finally saw that it was spreading to her (my bad mood). So I decided that it was enough moping and groaning and more giggling and laughing. I started to change and talk about it with her and I felt a little bit of change taking affect both through her and I.


When her and I got home, we talked some more. We talked about all sorts of things, and usually I’m not the type that wants to talk about “all sorts of things” because it usually leads to things you don’t want to talk about! Ha! But I went with the flow thinking that maybe it would be good for us to do that since the night was kind of crummy and stuff.

She finally starts telling me about how she’s felt a lack of God in her life and how she’s feeling that she’s a hypocrite for having sex with me. I felt very frustrated when she divulged this information to me because this is something that we’ve dealt with before when we first started dating. At first, we didn’t have sex because she was still a virgin and wanted to feel as if she was doing the right thing. I TOTALLY agreed with her, and tried as hard as I could to support her, but as usual, one thing led to another, and we couldn’t help ourselves. This was mutual, and I thought we were BOTH okay with it especially since we were using protecting and not letting it get in the way of school or work; we've been very responsible with it.


So after feeling as if she “broke her promise with God”, I think she felt a little more okay with it after time went by, and we then just kind of let things run the way they were going. After about a month of that though, she finally tells me (last night that is) that she’s wanting to “cool it” for a bit with the sex. This made me feel a bit weird because it led to her wanting to not have sex anymore until we were married.


I just don’t know what I should do now. I told her that if she wanted to keep staying with me, then she would have to sleep in another room because I felt that in order to give her what she wants; we’re going to have to make some big changes. This means removing anything from our relationship that could possibly spark a sexual activity (i.e. - sleeping with each other in the same bed, sitting next to each other in a dark room watching a movie together, etc.). When I told her this, I also told her that maybe we should start utilizing our network of people that we have and start seeing if anyone has a cheap futon that we could bum off of them. When I said this, she started laughing. So I started getting somewhat mad because I felt she wasn’t taking this matter seriously, and when I told her to stop laughing and to take the matter more seriously, she started acting like I was being too aggressive. The thing is: I wasn’t. I didn’t even raise my voice. Here I was, trying to sit down on my bed, in the dark, talking to my girlfriend that I love and cherish about her spiritual needs, and there she was first crying, then laughing, and then crying again because I was tired of wasting my Friday night talking about things I felt we had already taken care of. Since we’ve discussed her religious needs before (when we first started dating), we came to terms with us both trying to wait. But ever since then, it’s been a mutual thing that we’ve let go of. Now I’m not saying its right or wrong, but what I AM saying is that we’re both very inconsistent with what we’re trying to accomplish mainly because I think we don't really know what we're trying to accomplish: no sex or sex?


I still feel that she has a place here in my home. She livens up the apartment, makes me feel good, and really is a nice girl. She always offers to pay money when we go out, always helps clean the place up, and even lest me drive her jeep without paying for gas (so in a way, she does pay rent). Here is the big-one though: She doesn’t want to have sex, but when we do, she never complains… She hasn’t moved in with me yet, but yet she’s always over staying the night… And when I make big changes like making her go home to her house and NOT allowing her to stay the night to avoid the chances of having sexual intercourse, she gets mad at me…???

What am I supposed to do? I said that maybe we need to take some time away from each other to kind of “chill” for awhile, but she didn’t want to do that, and to be honest, I didn’t want to either. So, here is where we currently are now:

She’s not allowed to stay the night anymore because I don’t want to take the chances of having any kind of sexual activity taking place. She and I are both guilty of letting ourselves go, which is why I’ve resorted to this. I don’t allow myself anymore to “cuddle-up” with her in provacative way like nestling my head on her lap because it often times aroused me, and with that, I don’t want anything to happen. Maybe I’m being overly secure? Maybe I simply just need to have better sexual control, but you know how hard it is to do this when you’re in a place all by yourself on a Friday night at the age of 22. This seems like it’s the only way she’s going to get what she wants: abstinence. I just love her too much in order to take any chances, but yet with myself I have to admit that it's hard for me to ignore that "need" or at least "want" of wanting to make love to my girlfriend. I think I'm going to ask my therapist about this, but what do you guys/gals think? I'm really trying as hard as I can to comply with her on this and do what I feel is necessary for myself.

[historyteach]

Wolf;
I am sorry for what you are dealing with. And I hope you and your g/f can come to terms with these issues. I just wanted you to know I care.

Shalom!

[splendra]

(((Wolf)))

I think you sound like a really good person and your girlfriend is lucky to have found someone so caring.

[Wolf_22]

You guys never cease to amaze me. Thanks for lifting my spirits!

Yeah, I hope we can come to terms with this too. I've talked to her twice so far today (both times we both were around someone). She's not said anything about what all happened last night, but she said she was going to call me tonight... Maybe we'll talk about it then?

Thanks for the kind words guys/gals. I really appreciate it, and it's the main reason I keep comming here.