trying to not give up but not sure why

[ranae1221]

I have been able to recognize that I am walking on a dangerous path right now. The hoplessness has been so overwhelming, I have really been fighting my urges to just give up on life. I am doing everything I can think of to fight this, and I am not even sure why.

I do have a history of depression and have been on meds for the last 4 years. The doctor recently increased it again, but I think it is a lost cause. I decided to try therapy again, I was seeing a counseler for almost 3 years when I quit, and it did really help. (I quit because at the time I had come as far as I could with the current therapist). I call my insurance, trying to do this "the right way". What a joke. There are 3 contracted providers, I call 2 of them 4 days ago and no one has called me back. The 3rd one, is a male. According to my insurance as long as he is taking new patients (which he is) then I have to see him, they will not work to find someone else in my area.

I WILL not see a male therapist. Therapists always want to know about the "childhood", and I can not talk about most of it to a guy. I have a hard enough time with a female. The insurance doesn't care about that....."it's your prefence to have a female" they say.

Yeah, I guess it is. I guess I am just totally unreasonable and out of my mind that I don't want to talk about very very personal things with a guy. Whatever. Maybe it is all a lost cause. There's a song lyric that says "I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't really matter" Guess that's me.

[rose petals]

hey ranae--
im laura--im a recovering alkie and mental patient--just kidding--well maybe not--lol--anyway i have ocd myself and not depression per se although i am sure i do to some degree--i mean i dont fine much joy in life in that but its not bad either--just kind of there--i think insurance companies are lame--i dont know--i can share my experience if it will help--i decided to stop seeing therapists--i got tired of going and constantly trying to get "better"--i never got anywhere--i learned or somehow realized i dont have to be anything just sober--if im slightly loopy the rest of my life--so what--life never promised me a rose garden--i found a good combo of meds and that helps tremendously with ocd--if i need to talk to someone--i talk to huubie--or friend --or here--i guess i sorta dropped my expectations --and accepted things i couldnt change and for me it has made life easier--stopped fighting everyone and everything--hmmmm--i dont know if any of these ideas will help--i got these last few ideas at aa- i take some stuff from aa--not all--books and epiphanies i guess i had--take care--really write me back if you want
laura

[justangie]

Hi Ranae, I am Angie. I have been diagnosed with bipolar since 1991. I swing from the deep depressions to the mania. I understand how you feel right now. I once stayed in my bedroom for 6 months and have had sucide thoughts and plans even wrote the letters to those I love.You didn't say how long the meds have been increased..maybe its not been long enough or maybe you need a dofferent med. (Yes I know we get sick and tired of the trial and error of meds) But it is a necassity and well worth it in the long run. Have you inquired if there is a crisis office where you have called? Sometimes there is and that could get your foot in the door.

The fact that you said "I have been able to recognize that I am walking on a dangerous path right now." Tells me that you still have some good insight and you posted here says that you can do this. Take it one day or minute at a time whatever it takes. You have to be alive to enjoy life. I do know that right now life seems unenjoyable but Thats only right now. I pray+ for you some extra strenght. Please repost and let us know how you are.

Hugs, Angie

[OnceNice]

Hi Ranae, I'm Rose. I've been diagnosed with everything and have spent over 35,000 in counseling and meds for the last 20 or so years. I've taken every med there is. I believe mine is just a major depression. Sometimes too many therapist give too many different diagnosis. I was so confused at one time. It took one doctor though to tell me I couldn't have them all and function as well as I do. That made me feel better.

I do still take medication and I'm also an alcholic (having a very hard time with that)

I too often want to just give up. But I won't.

I believe that there is something that is making people like you and me hang on. I'm not sure what it is. But there is something that keeps us going. I keep hanging on to that. And I come on here. I get nervous and let my mind tell me that people hate me here and then I tell them I"m not coming back, but I do come back and they all treat me with great kindness.

Hope you have a good day. And I understand more than you know. I have know great words of wisdom and I'm lost too. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Have a good day.

[c'est la vie]

I also have no great words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and I'm glad that you are here. Hopefully you'll be able to find some help that meets your needs. I agree with you about not wanting to talk to a male doctor, and it's too bad that the system is so black and white about it.

[ranae1221]

thank you everyone for your replies. today is a slightly better day, and the day is almost over so that makes it even better.

to answer a few questions: i was diagnosised with Bipolar, ADD, Depression, PTSD and BPD 5 years ago. After several hospitalizations and lots of medications, we seemed to find a combo that was working (Effexor 150mg BID and Seroquel 50mg every night). My living situation was really good, and that helped to stabilze me for awhile. However this last year has been really tough- my grandmother passed away March 31st 2005 after a long battle with cancer and diabetes. My doctor increased the Effexor over the summer to a total of 375mg a day. Then my roomate, who was my surrogate mom, got really sick and was in and out of the hospital. We finally found out she had lung cancer and she passed away here at home on 12/13/05. This has sent my world into a tailspin, and the depression has been about as bad as it was in the beginning. The doctor again increased the Effexor to a total of 450mg about 6 weeks ago. Also, my dad is now staying with me because he got evicted from his house about 1 month ago. He is an alcoholic and trying to get treatment for his own depression and problems. Everyone keeps saying that having my dad here is doing me more harm then good, but if he were gone, i would be all by myself and don't think i would have anything holding me back from just giving up. i do work full time, however this has been hard to keep up with.

sorry for another long long post. this board has been really helpful, and i don't mean to take advantage of that!

[liveweyerd]

hugs! You really have your hands full! I wish I could wave a magic wand and send you a peaceful nurturing vacation!!!!
You will get through this, one day at a time, or with me, sometimes it is a minute at a time.
Do you have a support/nurture network?
more hugs,
live

[pedagogue]

I'm going to jump around a bit, but take what you want:

An important thing to remember is that you are not your diagnosis. I think people get caught up in labels, and forget there is a person behind them. Medication is always a work in progress. Don't get discouraged, it takes time to find the right combination.

Unfortunately healthcare plans are overly restrictive. As much as you don't like them, your providers are probably equally peturbed by their 'policies'. Therapuetic repore has shown to be a major factor in a person's likelihood to see meaningful change. Ultimately it should be your choice, but don't eliminate someone just because of their sex....a therapuetic relationship depends more on the person, and not their gender.

As a male therapist, I've run into this before, and will continue to run into it because of my chosen population (eating disorders), but I've found that if a person gives it a chance...they might suprise themselves.

-p

[ranae1221]

Ultimately it should be your choice, but don't eliminate someone just because of their sex....a therapuetic relationship depends more on the person, and not their gender.

As a male therapist, I've run into this before, and will continue to run into it because of my chosen population (eating disorders), but I've found that if a person gives it a chance...they might suprise themselves.

i understand what you are saying, and you are right, just because it is a male therapist doesn't mean it wouldn't work. i guess my biggest problem or hangup with it is there are things i am not comfortable talking about with anyone (specifically abuse when i was growing up) and feel that it would be even harder to discuss with a male therapist. i have seen several therapists over the last 5 years and they always want to talk about this (probally because I have never really dealt with it). anyhow, i have been thinking about this and weighing how much i want to get help vrs. not getting help and how miserable i have been feeling, and figure it can't hurt to give it a try with a male therapist.

[justangie]

Wow Ranae you do have alot on your plate. I am so sorry for your losses. I hope if you end up with a male therapist you can work past his gender and open up. good luck and pls never apologize again for posting..Thats why we are here

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by ranae1221

i guess my biggest problem or hangup with it is there are things i am not comfortable talking about with anyone (specifically abuse when i was growing up) and feel that it would be even harder to discuss with a male therapist.........i have been thinking about this and weighing how much i want to get help vrs. not getting help and how miserable i have been feeling, and figure it can't hurt to give it a try with a male therapist.

That is natural to not feel comfortable with revealing something so personal, especially something that is so painful and has been associated with shame and guilt. The last two things are assumptions on my part, but they typically are present.

As for your decision, I am glad that you have decided to give therapy another shot. Often times one of the hurdles of working with someone of the opposite sex can turn out to be a strength. A therapist of the opposite sex can provide insight from their POV that you may not have previously had. Every therapist does things differently....both from their methods/school of thought to how they relate to their clients.

-p

[ranae1221]

All right, I did it. I am scheduled for my first appointment with the new therapist for this Monday. I am going to try my hardest to remain open-minded and willing to give this a try.

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by ranae1221

All right, I did it. I am scheduled for my first appointment with the new therapist for this Monday. I am going to try my hardest to remain open-minded and willing to give this a try.

Glad to hear it. Let us know how it goes.

-p

[ranae1221]

oh well, at least i gave it a try I guess.

Went to my appointment today and found out that the mental health benefits through my insurance still apply to my decutable (is that even spelled right?) $1000.00 decutable, of which about $200.00 I have met. So I would have to pay $150.00 a week untill I reach that $1000.00, and then the insurance would pay 85%. I can't afford that right now, I am barely paying all the bills right now as it is.

My self-destructive tendencies are back with a vengence (don't worry, it's not drugs or alcohol), so I know if I don't get help soon, I am going to lose everything. I am going to try going through the local county mental health clinic again, I did this in the past however I feel guilty because I don't qualify for Medicaid and so just make small copayments to them. I feel like I am taking services someone else really in trouble may need.

Oh well. At least things with my dad are getting better. He is now attending intensive outpatient substance abuse treatment/groups 4x a week, has his first appointment with the psych doctor who will hopefully get him on the right meds for his issues, and he is in the process of beginning individual counseling. It has also been 1 week since he drank last. Yesterday was a big test, he was really stressed and said several times he just wanted to get really drunk, but he didn't. He stuck it out, and even asked to talk when he needed to vent. I am proud of him for that. He also has me holding onto his money because he says he doesn't trust himself right now. Granted, I know that if he really wants alcohol, lack of money will not stop him. But to me, it's a start.

[angelgirl]

Hey Ranae,,

I attend a local county mental health clinic,. I just pay them monthly payments as well. I have insurance. But we have had so many $$ problems, on top of the fact that they have the best sevices for addictions, and mental health in my small town. They have the groups, the addiction counselors, and the therapists. I can't afford it anywhere else. Although I do see a suboxone doctor somewhere else, but that is because I have no choice, they don't have a doctor that does this there.
You don't have to feel bad that you are using there services. They service ALOT of people. They are there because people need them. It costs a small fortune to see these peopel and I know if I did not go there, I could not go to the groups and things I go to. I need them, I do,. I would not be clean, and who knows what my mental state might be, or if I would be alive, due to my addictions if I did not go there.
I appreciate them so much, just as I am sure you do.

I am also happy to read that your dad is doing well, and getting help. That is great.

Hang in there hun,
Love,
Becky

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by ranae1221

I am going to try going through the local county mental health clinic again, I did this in the past however I feel guilty because I don't qualify for Medicaid and so just make small copayments to them. I feel like I am taking services someone else really in trouble may need.

Don't feel guilty! A community mental health center is in place to treat all members in the community. Community Mental Health Facilities are subsidized by the state so that they can provide services to the community at affordable rates. You aren't taking someone else's services, you are simply denying yourself the opportunity to get some help.

The small co-pay they require is more about commitment and less about money. Sure the money goes to off-set office fees, some overhead, etc.....but it is mainly there to help establish value and accountability. If something was free to all, many people would not appreciate it, and they may abuse it.

-p

[ranae1221]

i called today to see about getting help at the county mental health place. they will only see me if i pay the full price -$117 per hour. which i can't afford. seems like you can only get help if you are "poor" enough for medicaid or rich enough to pay privately.

whatever. guess it's not meant to be.

thanks for listening to my complaining.