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03-19-2006, 04:37 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Somwhere, USA
Posts: 44
|  I am trapped!
I almost live in my bed. Some days I can sleep 16 hours. If I have to wake up any earlier then I naturally do (like to go to school) I cry. Because I know that I'm back to reality and am forced to do the same old thing everyday which seems SO hard for me to do! I am extremely irritable. If some kind of accident happens I will yell and scream. I get stressed out easily and cry. I give up easily and I'm unmotivated. My life seems like it's always going to be the same, and it'll never be in my favor... I don't know what to do, or how this came about or what it is, all I know is I don't like it. Sometimes I wish my life would be over. Though I wouldn't have the heart to kill myself, and I'm scared sh*tless of dieing. Just sometimes it feel like it would be better, if I never woke up.
__________________ It's a new dawn,It's a new day, It's a new life,For me, And I'm feeling good! - Muse "Feeling Good" |
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03-19-2006, 06:07 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Arizona
Posts: 246
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I am not qualified to make a diganosis or anything like that, however what you are describing sounds like you are suffering from depression. Do you or anyone in your family have a history of depression? Have you ever sought treatment for it? I suffered from horrible depression untill my first suicide attempt. It wasn't untill then that I began to get the help I needed, including starting on medication. There are many different treatment opitions available. You need to seek help, ASAP, especially since you are having feelings of wanting to die. Do you have a primary doctor? He or she can help give you referrals as to what is available in your area. You can call your health insurance plan and see what doctors and/or therapists are available. If you don't have any of there, you can try sites such as NAMI, which will also help direct you where to start. I don't know what else to say.....at my lowest point, nothing anyone said or did really helped. Everyone kept saying how "it would get better" and to not give up. I didn't believe them, and was ready to give up. But I read this once, and it helped me decide to really focus on getting better and making changes. I will share it with you. Why is there hope? There is hope because no one of us is ever a finished product. There is hope because no matter what you believe right now you do not have to hold to that forever if it is not working for you. Whatever we do or say that causes chaos and pain in our lives we can learn to stop choosing. Change is scary, but, if you can open yourself to the reality that change is what enables us to grow and to heal our pain than you can learn to dream. Once you learn to dream and you begin to envision something other than what you currently know or what you have always known --the way you experience your life and your relationships -- then you can also embrace the reality of hope. Okay...so right here and now, you are reading this and you may well say to yourself, but I can't control myself because I hurt too much, or I need to too much, or no one understands, or no one cares and so forth. Choose to take in "reality" and push out the "illusions" of old. YES you can control yourself. YES you can take back the control over the emotions, namely fear and hurt, that fuel the anger and the rage of your young and innocent inner-child that so have over-run you until now. HOPE! You are in control of the very choices that mold and shape your life, whether you consiously accept this or not. You have the choice to STOP being a victim of the past and to start being a person who has survived it. Work to heal from it. THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL FROM IT IS TO GREIVE it and then LET IT GO AND CHOOSE TO MOVE ON Herein lies so very much hope! Hope and the reality of bringing your hopes and dreams to fruition depends upon you. Yes YOU! Each of us is responsible for who it is that we allow ourselves to be once we reach adulthood. You can choose to let go of the patterns and the dynamics that have kept you a prisoner of your pain. Free yourself from the chains of BPD. The way to begin is by learning how to hope. Hope is a key ingredient in faith. It will take both hope and faith to give you the strength that is required to courageously step out of all that you've known and to reach for the mental health that you deserve. Give hope a chance -- what do you have to lose? You have everything to gain. |
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03-19-2006, 08:15 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,957
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Yes Butterfly Kisses...you are going through what a physciatrist will most likely diagnoses as Major Depressive Dissorder or episode. You MUST seek treatment with a good psychiatrist and get yourself into weekly therapy sessions. If money is an issue or you dont' have health insurance then there are ways around that and programs available. It is the most horrible place to be and I know that from experience. In the past year I have slept at much as 24 hours straight (without a brief waking to go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarrette). Start getting your hands on as much reading material as possible about depression and major depression (there are different levels of depression, ya know, and the kind you are going through is what I and many others consider to be the worst kind). But it's not hopeless and it can and will get better. You have to believe that even though I know how hard that is. I used all my time in bed to educate myself on mental illness as much as I possibly could. And don't let anyone (even yourself) convince you that you are just being lazy...you're not. It's a chemical imbalance...and no different than diabetis or any other physical illness. I am bipolar...and when I was in college (around age 21 or 22) I had my first major depressive episode. I didn't know what was going one, but I knew that I was waking up every morning feeling like I had been ran over by a semi-truck a hundred times. I went to the campus wellness center and doctors about once a week and they prescribed anti-botic on top of anti-biotic for a never-ending sinus infection. The meds did nothing. Finally, a doc prescribed an anti-depressant, but b/c of a sort of phobia of pills I quit taking them after a month when I saw no improvement. I ended up having to drop out of college and return home for a semester and a summer before going back. I was fine for the next 7 years or so (except for a consistant mild depression for about 2 years) before the big one hit. I didn't know what was happening to me until I found this site and started talking to people. Everything came clear to me...I was bipolar. The year before my first major depression I had been manic and barely sleeping, but I or no one else had realized it. And before this last one hit...I was manic for about 2 years and working 50-70 hours a week even though I rarely got paid for more than 40. My 2nd major depression was much stronger and lasted longer than my first. If I had been diagnosed as bipolar that first time then I could have prepared and lessened the intensity of the enivitable. Anyway, I'm not saying you are bipolar too, but it's something to rule out with a good psychiatrist. I've been through hell and back this past 2 years, but my life is coming back together 100 percent better than I was before this past episode. Knowing what I know now, if I could rewind time and I had a choice of wether or not to go through all the torture of major depression or not....I would choose to go through it. Sounds odd, I know, but I have learned SO much by going through it and my future looks brighter now. Just don't give up. I came very close a few times and it's not worth it. I believe everythign happens for a reason and there is always positive to be found in even the worst of circumstances. Anyway, rest and relax and work on yourself and only you for now. Make that appointment with a psychiatrist and psychologist (for counseling) as soon as possible! THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!! Best wishes and lots of hugs, Jenna
__________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional  Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). |
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03-19-2006, 10:40 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Somwhere, USA
Posts: 44
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When I was younger I think I had PTSD from some abuse of a family member. I also had a mysterious physical illness that could never be diagnosed so they thought I was crazy and sent me to phychiatrists and I would go out on outings with these people to 'talk about it'. I also started taking Zoloft around the 5th grade which makes me think I was obviously diagnosed with depression but who knows... anyways last year I was talking to my counseler at school she told me to talk to my doctor about depression because she thinks I have it. I told my grandma about it and it's like she's against it... "Do you seriously want to go back and talk to those weird people about your problems... do you want to go through all that again? Do you?" I don't know what her problem was. She was also the one to take me off of Zoloft after 2 weeks claiming "it doesn't work". I don't know what she's scared of? And the lazy thing... she pounds that into me like a hammer. Always telling me I'm a lazy slob that doesn't do anything, which now she is threatening to kick me out to go live with my mom. which really makes me feel like crap because she didn't want me in the first place now my grandma is 'giving me back' after 12 years. you k now how bad that makes me feel? like I'm just a simple posession like a pet? it sucks, really sucks. and no one around me cares to help me...
__________________ It's a new dawn,It's a new day, It's a new life,For me, And I'm feeling good! - Muse "Feeling Good" |
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03-19-2006, 10:46 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Somwhere, USA
Posts: 44
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After I fight with my grandma she said "I wish you would go away and never come back" So when she left to the store I tried over doseing on advil, which I didn't know wasn't lethal. I took the whole bottle them some sleepin pills too. I freaked out when my heart started to race and my friend was there and called 911 and they came out and got me. The guys in the ambulence asked me what I took and basicly laughed, telling me it wasn't going to kill me. Then they talked about how many stupid people go on and do the same thing I did and made me drink this black tar stuff. I got to the hospital with the IVs and **** and my grandma wanted to come see me and I wouldn't let her. When I left later that night she was laughing at me about it, how I took pills that wern't even going to kill me. It made me feel like ****.
__________________ It's a new dawn,It's a new day, It's a new life,For me, And I'm feeling good! - Muse "Feeling Good" |
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03-19-2006, 10:48 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| On a tear  Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,237
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Honey... ignorant people don't mean harm.... but they can still do harmful things if we let them. Your grandmother loves you, I would bet on it. But her inability to understand and her fear of depression is causing YOU harm. As difficult as it may be, you might want to consider talking to that school counselor again, reiterating what you wrote here. I can't think of a better set up for relapse than not taking care of your health. If the counselor cannot help, perhaps he/she can help you get to a mental health clinic or physician who can. I know you aren't fully "adult" by all the laws ... but I do also think you may need to take care of your own needs when others don't/can't in order to get better. Keep posting... people here care. (((Butterfly)))
__________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis |
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03-19-2006, 10:50 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,237
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Egad - we were posting at the same time. It sounds like your grandmother's fear may have tipped her over from being over bearing to down right cruel. I hope she laughed because she didn't know how to talk to you... but it was still cruel. I am sorry, Ash.... Sending prayers for you right now.... ((((Butterfly))))
__________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis |
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03-19-2006, 11:10 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Somwhere, USA
Posts: 44
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She didn't actually laugh. But she joked about it with my mom once. Usually when they get together, they are drunk. I probably shouldn't say so much about there personal lives but my grandma is a severe alchoholic, i'm not sure if that has anything to do with it but maybe if she was sober she would not say some of the things she says. we don't really talk about anything. everytime i do, she pounds me on it. i'm never good enough for her. i guess she wants that cute little innocent 6 year old that use to go to church. then after i went to drugs everything changed. i don't know what else I can do but to stay sober for her, and myself... other then that I will have to deal with her untill i move out, whenever that is...
__________________ It's a new dawn,It's a new day, It's a new life,For me, And I'm feeling good! - Muse "Feeling Good" |
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03-19-2006, 11:12 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Somwhere, USA
Posts: 44
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it would help if i could actually get my butt out of bed and to school so i could talk to the counseler... but it really seems impossible to do even that.
__________________ It's a new dawn,It's a new day, It's a new life,For me, And I'm feeling good! - Muse "Feeling Good" |
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03-19-2006, 11:13 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,237
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Yeah... I'd forgotten that you mentioned before about the alcoholism. I am sorry. And I suppose you do have to "endure" some things, but not this much. I would still urge you to go to the school counselor, the school nurse, a trusted church person (youth pastor, maybe?) or other trusted and SOBER adult. You might very well need to be treated for depression, and not getting it treated is like not having heart disease or diabetes treated... it is unthinkable.
__________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis |
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03-20-2006, 06:24 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| ~Author of My Life~  Join Date: May 2003 Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,669
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((((((((((((((butterfly kisses)))))))))))) Reading your posts took me back to being 16....scared and sad and alone and attempting suicide so many times I was always being acommitted to psych wards...even got sent to the State hospital 3x's....people around me were pretty incompetent..........because I was being committed for 90 days at atime I would geta lawyer......he told me I deserved to be sent to the state hopsital.."for what I did"................my parents were too busy trying to kill themselves and kill each other to do anything, the cops that arrested me each suicide attempt either hated my guts..and told me what a bother I was or wanted to sleep with me....to 'make me feel better'.............I was told going into the hopsital for mental health help was just checking out.....was just a lil mini vacation.....the doctors I had were no better....my dad came to visit at the hopsital, started a fight with my doctor..the doctor yanked me out of the visit, a nurse came with a shot....................I passed out...they put me in one of the bedrooms, locked the door and said your family visits are over! It seemed not one person around me could help...or would help.........I too felt trapped and scared AND HOPELESS. I know how tough it is to hang on when even there seems no help is there or when getting help you are verbally harrassed and ridiculed..YOU deserve relief..and help...I wish I could scoop you up...take you to a good doctor, get you a reputable therapist and let you just talk and pour your heart out....no judgment, no ridicule....just the opportunity to be around a support system that brings you up, not tears you down..............this site is great for support and help...but you need face to face support so very much. My prayers are with you my dear. I know there IS hope, and help..I know it isn't easy though. I am 34 now, 2 children, married..........overcame a 20 yr addiction..so I know it can get better. But you must take care of yourself...don't let anyone tell you you are weak, or stupid!! You are not, you are a beautiful person surrounded by the brutal ugliness of ignorance...and intolerance. KEEP POSTING HERE!!! Please don't give up.....you can have your dreams, you can get help. We're all here for you. Staying sober is a huge step you've taken!! Bless your heart.............proud of ya for that decision you have made. LIke Bigsis, go to a school counselor, a pastor, someone that won't judge you and make you feel bad for seeking help. You are very brave and courageous to be seeking help at all..........I never tried to sober up in my teens..I didn't think the drugs were the problem...so you are very wise, and my sincerest prayers and warmest hugs are being sent your way right now!
__________________ Many Hugs and Hope too, Tammie "Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~ "Things do not change, WE change." ~Henry David Thoreau~  |
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03-23-2006, 06:26 PM
| #12 (permalink) |
| A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,957
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There are a ton of stigmas attached to depression of any kind and it just sounds like your grandma made up her mind a long time ago about her opinions of mental illness and/or depression. No adult should even be talked to that way you explain here. I'm so sorry that there are people who don't understand or don't care to even try to understand. I've kept track of several threads and here are some topics (and their links) that might interest you: Year 1 thread is called "Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and i'm scared!" and can be accessed through this link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=36767 36 Ways to reduce stress http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=69176 LOTS of information for friends and family of the bipolar/manic depressive http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=69079 Alcohol causes anxiety disorders http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=67820 Smoking and mental illness http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=67120 The Cruise Crusade http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=62973 My lonely and crying spells - April 2004 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=55565 My book list http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=44544 ----------------------------------------------------------- Famous Bipolars and others -- the creativity connection http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=68847 You've definetly got to check that last one out b/c it also talks about the famously depressed too...Maybe you could even print a copy for your grandma and give it to her to take a look at. You're not alone and you're not lazy...you are depressed and at this point in time you don't have any way to change that. __________________________________________________ _____ depression and bipolar info and such: http://www.depressionfallout.com/links.php About Shame http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...3659#post683659 All about depression http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74165 the winter blues http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74164 are u highly sensitive? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74163 Self love and self-esteem http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74154 Feeling like you belong http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74153 Boundaries? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74152 Finding our Enchanted self - fairy tales can come true http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74151 Poetry as Therapy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=74147
__________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). |
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03-23-2006, 06:31 PM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,957
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If nothing else...you might skim over this bit of info: Quote:
one last one: Depression cure for women only (pg 39) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ead.php?t=16519 Also...go to www.nami.org for a TON of info on depression and treatment options. Giantest Hugs, Jenna
__________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). | |
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03-24-2006, 12:40 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
Posts: 5
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I feel for you, Butterfly. I suffer from bipolar disorder myself, and my father took a similar approach to me. He always acted like I was making excuses, and that I should just try harder in life. Some people just don't understand, and older adults have an old school mentality when it comes to depression and such. But the fact is that depression is nothing to take lightly. It kills people every day. You sound like your in considerable pain on the inside, and I know how terrible that really is. Much like some of the good advice already posted, I would highly recommend seeing a doctor about this issue. There is medicine and therapy that can help a lot. I wish the best for you and will keep you in my prayers. |
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03-29-2006, 02:42 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,903
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butterfly...you have secribed how i feel....you have aslo described some of my childhood and younger days...hang in there..thre is a welth of support here we could both do with reading some of this stuff throug a few times...... love to you and yours sweetheart...you are not alonexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
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