when we are 'in pain'...

[Purrdy]

I went to a lovely meeting the other day and someone was talking about recovery and feelings.....Now we all know that self abuse of any kind is just a symptom of our DIS_EASE.....they talked about being 'in pain'.....
Now im not talking about physical pain here although that does not help, Im talking about mental pain.....


I have had to deal with emotional pain for all of my life, as a child it was emotional abuse...leading to feelings of inadequacy, feeling unloved and un lovable, there are also feelings which stem from this such as I cant cope with this because i do not feel equipped to do so!

The last five years of my sobriety have been a real roller coaster of painful emotions and having to learn how to actually feel them and cope with them without self harming now that has been hard!


Today I feel pain when someone says something which 'cuts' now they may not know that they have 'hurt' me so I bleed in silence...this manifests itself and resentments begin to simmer....Now what am I going to do? aneathetise myself or self harm in order to gain 'control' over these feelings or try to do the opposite?!!!

That is the hardest part for me right now, knowing whether or not its worth getting my knickers in a twist about or not!!!

and what about those resentments? I still feel very raw and sore from the last job situation but I do feel like I am beginning to heal.....I do this by talking to my sponsor, attending meetings and making connections with others who feel the same and also venting on here!!! it is painful! no two ways about it....

I feel inadequate
I feel that I am not enough
I feel like I am a failure
I feel stupid/foolish
I feel fear
I feel sad
I feel angry
I feel exposed....like I am under a microscope and that I am being analysed


These feelings are horrible they make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I am frightened about my future I feel lost right now, like Im drifting with no wehre in particular to go!

But I am sober , I am not self harming today! I know that I have to 'prioritise' and get some jobs checked off my list, I know I have to keep communicating this stuff to whoever will listen or read! I will not isolate, no matter how daft or insignificant my 'problems are today, I know that there are people who really care about me
I have to do what is suggested for my recovery

For if I do that I know that I can get a bit better everyday......

just had to get that out this morning, I am feeling 'pain' right now because I have an essay to write, I am blocked with all those feelings above but I absolutely know I have to break through them and get this done, I know I will feel better afterwards! its hard, its suffocating sometimes!!!

Venting and communicating is part of my recovery its part of who i am and once this is out it may help to sweep some of the rubbish out of the way to clear the blockage!!!!

anyway thanks for listening/reading.....

I am please to be here, I am pleased to be sober, I have a wealth of love and support around me and I am grateful.......

I know I will become stronger for doing this for getting sober and better everyday


Thankyou


love purrdyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Done_With_It]

Hey there,

Remember me. ... I know just what you mean. I'm struggling with
self harm and all that too. It's very hard... Sometimes I really don't know
what to do.

I was wondering if you've ever heard of the book, 'An artists way',

you may find that book a great help to you right now. Everything you
described reminded me of that book. It's great, but it does take a
comitment to do it.

Anyways, just wanted to drop in and say I understand.

DWI

[Purrdy]

Thanks Done...and of COURSE I remember the bright fluffy chick!!

I will be sure to check out that book! I have read many self help books and inspirational stories, tapes and CDs at the end of the day it is down to us and we have to take those painful steps in order to get well...it is hard but worth it in the end! despite the pain we feel so often!


I have written a bit more of my essay folks, i just have to keep plugging away at it!

love pxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Bozo]

That was a great post! I too suffer from nagging emotional pain. Relationships are difficult for me. I will pass on another gem of an AA saying I once heard from an oldtimer:

"We are not human beings that are learning how to be spiritual, we are all spiritual beings that are learning how to be human."

I would have to say that is one of my most grounding and enlightening slogans.

Your recovery sounds like it is right about where it should be.

Just remember it is A JOURNEY on a path of peace and serenity. And every path in the woods has the occasional tree blocking the way.

We've all made it this far, there is no reason to believe we will not live for this day.

[bikewench]

Great post Purrdy...

Yeah...
finding that lost path within myself...
the one I never walked.. ;o)

But.. every time I got my shyte semi together.... and got to walk on that path for a bit.. and got some relief from the crap in my head...
Well.. it just made me want more of it...
Cause.. quite frankly... that felt wayyyyy better than using to try to cope...


Yeah...
getting clean and putting ourselves back together the right way....

To live a righteous.. purposeful life...

And to stand proudly as the amazing unique creature each of us are...

Not willfull...

But willing to become....

[Purrdy]

I am IN PAIN!!!


I am feeling physically drained! I have the flu and I feel dreadful! its like having a hangover...remember those? well its like that! Feeling fuzzy, i lack concentration and just want to shut it all out! i want it to go away!!!! I dont like being ill, im sure i prolong any sort of minor illness by hanging on to the fact i dont like it!!!!!!!!

Its Monday, kids are at school hubby at work....I am waiting to hear about this job....its agonising, I have spent the last 6 days swinging form convincing myself I have it to being rejected!!!!! I want to scream with the frustration of it and the 'injustice'!! of having to wait for an answer......

I know I deserve to have a good job, I have worked real hard for this, I have done my Cert HE and my foundation degree, I have experience....what is wrong with ME??????


I love what i do....maybe god just wants me to change direction? I keep trying and trying and nothing seems to come about!!!

What is wrong with me?????

I am in pain.....I hate feeling like this, I have done some math this morning, some was ok, some is very difficult...I keep trying!

I have an essay to ....'finish' it needs all the academic checks done...bibligraphy etc itll take time....I have another assignment to prepare, why do I panic? what is wrong with me!!!!!!!


I am frightened that i will fail, im frightened of rejection.....what is wrong with me!!!!!



oh well had to get that out I will get it done i just have to keep plugging away at it....just had to share that mental turmoil....committee turned up real loud today!!! keep telling them to **** off but they have hired back up today and are getting very noisy!!!


time for more maths!

then assignment...


need to prioritise


will check back later


thankyou for listening!

love purrdyxxxxxxx

[historyteach]

((((Purrdy))))
I'm so sorry you're ill.
And I'm even more sorry that you're feeling so down. Honestly, it is probably a result of feeling sick. That happens to me frequently.
You wrote a long list of negatives about yourself.
Can you write a list of positives that is just as long? If not, you need to think deeper, and get in touch with what's eating you up really. Cuz you are that spiritual being, learning how to be human. (LOVE that one, Bozo!) And spiritual beings radiate with goodness and light.

I know that there are people who really care about me

You do have that one right on, Purrdy!
And that's a very good place to be sometimes.
Be good to yourself right now. You deserve it.

Shalom!

[Purrdy]

thanks history...im so glad for loving kind words from people that matter.....