It's hard to think of a title..

[Grimey]

Hello people

I'm new here for a start, in fact I haven’t used a website like this before. What i'm saying here is truly just a vent, I don't expect to get a replies, but hopefuly some people would who have similar problems to myself. If you were to read the whole deal here, well it would take you a long time, because I really am in a venting/writing mood, and would like to portray my feelings, so just flick through it / skim through it if you can't be bothered with the whole thing.

It all started a few years ago, not that long ago, but i can't remember when. I have a very bad memory, especially my short term. I was an early teenager and I discovered weed with one of my best friends at the time, who was from a poor family, his brothers heavily into crime. I smoked my first bong, wooo no big deal there. But this is how it begun. Infact to add a little humour to this vent, I was actually caught by my parents.

So that's how it began, so now I’ll fast-forward a year or so because after that I didn't smoke weed again, I just smoked rolling tobacco. In fact I’m going to cut this short, because what I really need help with is something else, I don't think it needs the whole build up, and I’m pretty tired. And it doesn't build up to much so I wouldn't like to disappoint anyone.

Anyway. I used to be a really confident person, I made friends so easy, even though I don't like to admit it 4 years a go I was pretty popular. From that point things have gone down hill, like I can't explain why myself. I think i suffer from long-term paranoia and depression as a result of about 4 years of smoking weed everyday, and doing harder drugs weekly - monthly. I'm not sure if it's the weed that's done this to me, or the class B's and A's.

I think my brain has been affected in other more serious ways. I feel stupid. I have the worst general knowledge out of all my friends; by such a long way it makes me wander. I'm not dyslexic as far as school result showed when I was younger, so now im starting to think maybe it's the result of drugs. I stopped heavily smoking weed a year ago now, when I started to notice how stupid it was making me, Paranoid, and as a result of this I became heavily depressed. I often like to think I know exactly what is wrong with me, but do i really, or is it just paranoia? I think this whole thought cycle is making me mad, I know i have some serious issues and people are starting to realise. Old friend, male a female notice it. When I do smoke weed I become so seriously paranoid, it's horrible, why I still do it I don't know!!

I only smoke it a few times a month but i know it's bad for me, and I still take harder drugs like coke, pills (ecstasy), mdma occasionally. When I do smoke it I often think people are talking about me, and i know this is a pretty common side effect of smoking weed. The annoying thing is i get this sometimes when i'm not stoned, and again this just makes more depressed, because i just sit there and spin-out (a phrase my friends use for when you are high and your not quite sure what is going on). People can tell when you spin-out, and especially with me because I think they are getting used to seeing it. I don't know if there is a medical term for this phrase we use haha, or maybe it's just something I get.

When I first smoked weed I used to "whitey" or whatever it's called, not like be sick, i was hardly ever sick. I think it's when you loose a lot of oxygen to the brain, maybe this is what's making me stupid? memory loss etc. Once when I was 16 going on 17, I smoked a few bong and took a lot of poppers directly after and I passed out, I woke up to two of my best friends shaking me tells me to wake up. I felt totaly ****** afterwards, and my friends looked very scared, apparently i was shaking, like i was having a fit. Any sane person would of gone home and slept, instead a drank a whole (half sized bottle) bottle of JD whisky and passed out with my leggs in a river and woke up to 2 guys in suits trying to push me in.

The thing is my group of friends are ****-ups. We wern't. Until we met this person, for the sake of this piece of writing I’ll call him rich boy. Rich boy moved into my village, where my group of friends also lived around 4 years ago, this is when things started to get really bad, and the smoking got very excessive. Rich boy is possibly my best friend, even though i hate him. He is the downfall of myself, he is the dark side of me who wants to get ****** up, take beans, go to raves and generally don't give a flying **** about anything.
Without this person, i know i would of been ok in life. Rich boy has a millionaire mommy, and step dad, he is also an only child. Selfish, arrogant and almost un human in personality. But we are best friend all the same. Where is this going? maybe somewhere but i'm not to sure. Basically he dropped out of college in his first year, and ever since then he has got high. I'm in my third year of college, and have a place in university next year studying a foundation course in computer game design.

Now we all know lots of people get high on drugs, and im not the only person, so i hope I’m not coming across like I'm the only one with problems because i know I’m not. Rich boy once took 37 gurners yes that’s thirty-seven ecstasy pills (mitzi turbos), he collapsed the next day, and went to hospital for a week. The doctors told his parents he almost went into a deep coma. It's events like these which have brought me and my friends close, really close. In the same year Rich boy dropped out of college, another one of my friends did, one from my close-knit circle of friends. One of the cleverest of the lot of us, all because he wanted to get ****** with rich boy. Rich boy has no worries in life, he hasn't had a job in two years.

One year later, another one of my friends drops out of college. He is now working in a local supermarket full time and has been for a half a year with no further plans. Two months later ANOTHER of my BEST friends drops out of college. All these people are in my close 5 friends group... I'm not blaiming this all on rich boy, but i can't help but think things would be different if he hadn't of moved to the village.

Anyway.. I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years, I have barely even kissed many girls in that time, let alone had sex with them. I'm not a virgin, but i'm starting to feel like, if i hadn't of had sex when i was younger, I would and may remain a virgin for the rest of my life. All my focused, organised, confidant friends are in uni, getting laid. I wish i had escaped from this **** hole of a village like they did. Man they have changed so much since they have left, i would consider them every day people now. I feel I am intelligent like these people who left, i just have 1 motivation point, that's 1 point more than rich boy (that's why im still in college).

I believe myself to be a very sensative person, perhaps passionate, and loving all the characteristics someone wants to believe about himself or herself. I'm appalled to find no women see this in me, I think it's down to my paranoia. If only it would go away and I would get my old confidence back. I need a new life! One of the only times I get confident is when i drink alcohol. Ofcourse that is pretty obvious. So now instead of smoking weed, i drink alcohol. I'm not alocholic, but usually when i'm going out places where it involves socialising with girls I have to drink, usually quite heavily. I find coke doesn't make me confident like some people say it does, it makes me feel the opposite, unless i get real drunk first then do a load of coke, then i feel ******, but very confident hehe

This is starting to get long, I just hope that someone reads it. Hopefully someone has some advice, that would be really nice and appreciated. I'm so.. er.. pissed off with myself, i tend to just sit inside my house these days playing mmorpg computer games, hiding from real life problems. I go out for fag breaks with my mates in the village, but a lot of the time i'm just gaming away. I don't sleep until around 4am most night, 99% of the last year i have gone to bed after 3 am. I feel so knackered in the morning for hoiurs, but it's a lot worse on the days when i get stoned and have to wake up early.

I'm starting to think if this is really a good idea to post this, probably it is, probably i will get flamed for some reason, probably one of my friends will read it.. :\ i really hope not. That's the thing, the only reason i'm posting this here is because, well i have no one i trust to share this with. Better people i don't know that people who can spread rumours localy. God i wish i had a girlfriend, one of which i really got a long with and could spend hours talking about our problems. I'm not going to get a girlfriend in this current state.

My only hope is starting again fresh in university, this where things get interesting in more ways that one. First a fresh start would do me the world of good, i did camp America in the summer and met a load of new people, that went really well. Even though I know some of them though i was a bit strange, but then Rich boy came all the way down to America in the last two weeks of my 10 weeks holiday. strange, yes. This leads me on to say that.. i made a huge mistake. When i was drunk i told rich boy that there was a chance that he could come to university with me. As the course im going to study is a foundation course, u don't need A levels to get in. I do have 2, nearly three A levels, but i have never done any computing before so i wanted to learn as the course i want to learn in computer game design. Anyway rich boy is into computer games too and well now he is investigating into coming to the same university as me. OMG this has to be the worst case scenario. Massive loan + Rich boy + me + Our own personal rooms = Getting ****** and failing miserably. Why did i have to open my mouth, ever since then i have regretted saying that so deeply i can't explain in words. There is a reasonable chance that he will not get in, so, it's not the end of the world yet, but it's pretty god-damn close to it.

Thanks for reading, or even if you just skimmed through it. Any sort of advice on any of the things I have said would be so much greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in but hell why not? Time to go play some RFOnline. Good night.

- Grimey

p.s i just read through that and it makes so little sense in places, and i'm not even high, i just didn't structure it at all :0

[Purrdy]

Hey Grimey welcome to SR, im sure that you will get alot of good positive replies here, but be sure to look at the other forums too like the AA related ones and the NA/substance abuse ones too...there are hell of a lot of people who are going through exactly the same things as you with the same thougths feelings fears guilts and shames...many are in recovery and are able to help...

I guess you are pretty young to my 40 years but I was young once too!! and I did all sorts of things, pills, acid, glue, gas, speed, heroin, weed and finally settled with alcohol!!!!

you expressed what happened to you with weed so eloquently that I had to smile! I used to do it because everyone else was and it made me so PARANOID that it was unbearable!!!my behaviour was erratic and I lost all bonds and trust in people.

those thougts were compounded by the use of other drugs and alcohol...the bottom line is this stuff really messes you up and can have a long term effect.

now I ended up becomming an alcoholic and i eventually found AA five years ago...this may not be for you but I think you have aknowledged the damage youare doing to yourself and how you feel is not right

so waht are you going to do?

you can go to the NA/substance forum and ask for help there and in the uk they have NA meetings where fabulous people like you recover and get theri lives back ontrack

I would not swap my recovery for the world! I am nearing the end of my foundation degree now,and am nearly up to speed with my maths in order to do an advanced GCSE something I would not have done if I was still drinking....you have noticed a pattern in your behaviour do you think you are READY to cut that ever decreasing cycle of damage and crap?

the bottom line is this is up to you ....YOU have a choice now Grimey you can ask for help and seek it out and I hope you do because you sound like a terrific person with hellovalot going for them...

If you get it now it will save you years of humiliation and shi* inthe future....

so I wish you luck my friend and love and hope you have the strength to seek help because it is out there all you have to do is ask and remember this YOU ARE NEVER ALONE....


love purrddyxxx

[Grimey]

Purdy,

Thank you ever so much for your reply. I was giving up on checking my post, although deep down I really didn't expect anyone to reply because it was just a massive vent and something i needed to do. I'll go check out this other forum now, thanks for the advice man. There's nothing better than getting some advice from somone whose been there and done it before. You sound like an excellent person don't give up what your doing and good luck with the foundation degree

Grimey

[bikewench]

Grimey....

Great post..
stream of consciousness...


There was one thing that jumped out at me so hard I got a bruise.. ;o)

I need a new life!

Actually....
Your life is more than worthy of living...
Ya just gotta stop shooting yourself in the foot.. ;o)


You are at an age where life is very confusing and overwhelming... and way too many times.. there is not enough love.. support and communication with those that can help you navigate life by walking beside you and guiding you...

Your depending on those that are just as lost as you to move you forward in life...

Bunch of lost people.. eh..?? ;o)


Add drugs and alcohol or any using to the mix.. and there is a certifiable recipe for insanity and life chaos...

And trust me...
No one gets to take that path unscathed..

You cannot walk a path of self harm and come out smelling like a rose..

Your gonna bleed.


I know you are hangin with the people you do for a reason...
It might help you to look for the reason behind that reason..

Why are you clinging to people that are self destructing..??

You have a choice to make your life better.

And just you taking the time to write your initial post says you want a better life.

So.. if you want to be a winner for you... you better find some winners to hang with.. in whatever form that takes for you...

Your friend rich kid...
Money only makes it easier to kill ourselves...

Why not walk outa the pit your in so that he can see it can be done.. ??? ;o)


This is YOUR life Grimey...

What you do with it is totally up to you...

I hope you start making some better choices for yourself... ;o)

And come back often..
talk to people here...
get a handle on a better way.. for its out there...
YOU just gotta change direction...

Praying for you buddy...

[Purrdy]

Hey grimey, how are you doing?

keep posting and venting! its all part of recovery you know....

Let us know what positive steps you are taking to help yourself....sometimes its good just to say hey! I didnt drink today!

Recovery can be hard...major chnages in thought and behaviour take place...but its a time when you have to be easy on yourself and try not to do too much in one day!!!

That was my problem! once i decided I had had ENOUGH I wanted 10 years of sobriety NOW! impatient lot us addicts and alkies! LOL but with the help from my AA meetings and sponsor I made it and continue to recover one day at a time...dont always get it right adn sometimes life has been really painful but the benefits outweigh the negatives...
Grimey check out the NA meetings in your area, I know the ones in my area (uk) are full of laughter! with fabulous real people who have been to hell and come right back to live full, happy and purposeful lives! The laughter you hear is tremendous, the cheers and whooping that go on is incredible as yet another member reaches a milestone in their recovery! my AA meetings are pretty much the same but are tame compared to NA LOL!

There is so much joy to be had grimey really! joy and love you never thought possible....it takes courage to admit that you are an alckie or addict it takes guts and courage to decide to get well no matter what!
I believe that everyone has the capacity to recover! but you have to be ready you have to really want it...

Keep reading the threads, and keep posting my freind....once in recovery you will not want to go back to the turmoil you once called your life..

you are worth it as bikewench said

WE are all worth it


love and prayers
purrdyxxxx

[Purrdy]

Hey grimey where are you?

just let us know you are ok, ok?

[Grimey]

Hey Purdy

I'm pretty good thankyou. A little tired out with certain things but nothing I wont get over. I hope all is going well for you?! It's that time of year for me when I have to actually start getting down to doing my coursework instead of just thinking "oh i got ages left to do it", because time is running out hehe I'm sure you know the feeling =D

Thanks for the advice bikewench, I love reading what other people have to say, it's so nice to find people who actually care. In some ways it's nice to know there are lots of people out there with similar problems to myself, I like the fact I can come here and read about others problems and relate to them and read what other people have to say about it =) It's like an one huge online hospital, where the patients help the patients!

Will check back soon,

-Grimey

[Purrdy]

good for you!

yess I have coursework to do too but it will get done and i will finish it in time...it fills me with dread but feel the fear and do it anyway....

Good to hear that you are doing ok......

check in soon


love purrdxx