Just a vent...

[BigSis]

Teach... I've read the first part of this thread and something jumps out at me.

You have a pretty extensive list of things you are doing for others.... so just what are you doing for yourself? Where is the "self-care"?

Self-care is a pretty big thing for my sponsor. She gets on me about it all the time... I got so used to doing for others that the part of it I didn't see was my "expectation" that they might reciprocate and do a little for me. (and you know what expectations bring, right?)

Ha! I must be nuts. I give to so many that CAN'T give back... and then wonder why I've nothing left for me? Giving away pieces of me felt noble. If kept in balance, it can be. But when I continue to do it willy-nilly - giving to others even when I start to feel badly, then it becomes a bad decision on MY part.

It seems to me that if you have undergone severe depression before, and you are noticing the signs of depression again... isn't it logical to get your butt to the doctor and give that doctor an honest assessment of what is going on with you? There are meds that can help - and since you are not an addict, you should be able to take an anti-depressant if the doctor decides that is appropriate for you.

Ok...ok... consider your butt officially "kicked".

And I said this because I see some of me in you... and parts of you that I wish could be in me because I admire them so much. You have been through hell, you deserve a break, you ARE worth caring about and caring for.

I hope you can write a letter to your renter telling him he has 30 days to catch up rent and the next time he is late will mean immediate eviction. That you open up the paper and take a look at every fantasy job you've ever wanted to try... and you actually apply for one or two of them. That you resign a bunch of those volunteer positions... for whatever reason, and replace them with something that brings strength and serenity TO you. Perhaps there is a policitcal activist group you might want to join? A way to make a difference in that legal system out there. Hell... run for local office!

You are the best.... You deserve the best.

[angelgirl]

Sounds as though you have been through the ringer..

I could not be a teacher in this day. It has to be tough, let alone at a charter school.
I sure give you much credit. I give all teachers much credit. I can't imagine what is in people that makes them even want to teach anymore? My grandmother was a teacher. She is still alive, she still talks about teaching, and would just love anyone of us, or the grandchildren to follow her lead, and go into teaching. But I don't believe that is going to happen, at least not with my generation, and I don't think with my childrens generation, but you never know. I just know it has to be a tough job.

This world is so screwed up. Children are not taught to behave anymore at all. When I went to school, your parents could still spank you, and not get into trouble. Heavens sakes, the principal could spank kids when I was in school, and I am 38.. LOL.. I don't advocate that, but I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent giving a little pat on the rear.. My brothers got spanked with a belt, and they are just fine. I suppose I should have been, LOL..

Anyway,, I just know it has to be very tough to be a teacher, you are a wonderful person, doing a wonderful thing for children in life. I am sure you DO NOT hear that enough, if at all. I am telling you, and I have school aged kids. I appreciate you for what you are doing. Youa re teaching kids that will one day grow up, and possibly change their life, and be in charge somewhere.. You touch lives. Thanks..
Keep that thought, it's not only thanks from me, it's from others, even when others don't say it where you live..

I hope your day gets better..
Hang in there.

Prayers,
Becky

[frankie_b]

Teach, soldiers in combat get battle fatigue...your current situation seems similar...having to constantly battle with the administrators is taking a huge toll on you.....I hope you take time for you to relax, rest, do good replenishing things for you. The body, mind and spirit can only take so much.

As you are looking forward to Wednesday, I'm thinking now that's the hopeful courageous teach we sooo care about. I so admire your tenacity and abiding sense of fair play. You've thrown out the rope of hope to so many here. I've found inspiration in your experience, strength and wisdom time and again.
Your life is a precious gift teach. I'm praying for your well being...keep hope alive teach. Trust in your HP to bring you through whatever you face.

[historyteach]

so just what are you doing for yourself? Where is the "self-care"?

Yes, I AM doing things for myself.
I go to the gym at least 3-4 times a week, though I try to make it 5 times. I take myself out to dinner occassionally. I buy myself flowers each Friday for the Sabbath, and I go to services and Torah study on Saturday.
I also see a counselor for support, and a career counselor, looking for another job.
I'm trying to be good to myself, and that includes coming here too. Oh, and I took today off. And I quit smoking!
I really do a lot for myself, don't you think?

It seems to me that if you have undergone severe depression before, and you are noticing the signs of depression again... isn't it logical to get your butt to the doctor and give that doctor an honest assessment of what is going on with you? There are meds that can help - and since you are not an addict, you should be able to take an anti-depressant if the doctor decides that is appropriate for you.

I went to my docs. That's why I had the stress leave. I got sleeping pills, and use them when absolutely necessary. I am on zyban/wellbutrin, and antidepresant that helps with smoke cessation. I'm going to see him again at the end of this month, where he's going to yell at me for my blood sugar and weight. I've replaced smoking with eating, I'm afraid...
The counselor and I have spoken about meds. We're thinking that the zyban is a bit too much of a stimulant for me, and I cut down to one a day.
I may call doc and switch to a different antidepressant. There's one that's also good for sleeping, called trazadone. It's not habituating, as are the sleeping pills I have now and I'm afraid of taking.

And I am going to sell my house. It won't do here in RI to try and evict him; it takes forever, and if I serve papers, they don't have to pay rent! So, I will not renew the lease in Sept. The house will be put up for sale; I'll ask my two former step daughters if they'd like to buy it first, then, put it on the market if not.

Do I still get a but kicking? I'm doing what I know how to do.

Angelgirl,
Thank you for your sweet reply. It's not the kids that are the problem. Honestly, kids WILL live up to expectations. (Not *always* a bad word, lol!) But, there needs to be consistency in following the rules. And it's the adults that need to do that. Here, at this charter school, it clearly is NOT happening!

Frankie, that is beautiful; thank you. Yes, I trust in my HP, but, dang, I sure with things would get settled on MY timeframe, LOL! (kiddin)

Thanks again for your wonderful support...
Shalom!

[Time2Surrender]

Hang in there Debbie.

[historyteach]

Thanks, Mike...

Shalom!

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by rose petals

bozo--
lmao--i love that quote"im not much but im all i think about"--how true for this alkie--so true

take care
laura

Im glad you enjoyed it!!

[BigSis]

Aw... teach... I forgot to mention.. I borrowed Ann's bunny slippers. Call it a "butt nudge".

You are doing some nice things (I especially like the flowers - what an excellent idea!).

The list of things you do for others is pretty long... and with the job you have, it just seemed to me to be a lot of "outgo". What I call "pieces of myself".

My mom is a doer... she has more activities than I can shake a stick at... and when everything is going well - she is in absolute heaven. We call her our little social butterfly. But if she gets sick, or if chaos develops in one of her groups (as it does from time to time), she gets worn out and stops enjoying ALL of the activities because she just doesn't have enough "stuff" to go around. She has dropped a group or club before during stressful times... but she picks something else back up again ... just as soon as crap calms down.

I reread what I wrote and it came across sounding harsh... perhaps I was reading into YOUR stuff things I see in my mom. For that, I apologize.

Peace.

[historyteach]

No, please don't apologise, BigSis.
You and I have known each other a long time; I didn't take your message in a negative manner. I knew from where it came.
I have always been a "doer" too, so I know what you mean. I am really trying to simplify now.

Today's the day the union president is coming to school. I'm going in, though I still feel lousy. I'm dying to see what will be done here. I expect the discipline to be followed through. Silly me, huh?
Wish me well...

Shalom!

[Bozo]

Please post later today. I am following this thread closely and I am hoping for a very positive outcome for you and your situation. I still think the administrations response is bizarre. Perhaps she is a people pleaser and had to pick the parents over you. She also sounds like an incompetent control freak. Good luck. Some days I just dont know how we do it. We are stronger than we realize, I think.

[BSPGirl]

Best of luck!

[bikewench]

Teach...

((my gurl...))

the shyte that is happening in your life.. ;o)

But.. I see you dealing with each thing.. and working through them....
and that's what has to happen...


I found that when I first began recovery.. I had so much unfinished business that I had to take care of...
I thought it was NEVER going to end...

But.. a day at a time...
a problem at a time...
letting go one breath at a time.. ;o)

.. slowly I started shoveling the shyte outa my life...

And things got happy.. joyous and free....



Of course.. then I forgot.. lol

picked up some shyte and went for another ride..

But.. what I have realized for today is that life will give me adversity to temper me...

I have been in your exact place as far as not wanting to be here anymore...

very recently in fact...

It was a hard.. hard night...

But..
I realized I wanted to live...
and I became willing to deal with whatever God sent me...
cause that is his will..
and my life is toast without him.

So...
detachment...

Doing the work...righting the wrongs... sweeping my side of the street... and trying to live a right turning life this day...
.. and leave the rest up to God.

Some light reading for edification... ;o)

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm


((Teach...))
don't lose hope..

It's ALWAYS darkest before the dawn...

[Anna]

Teach,

I'm sorry I missed this whole thread and just came across it now. I know you've had a difficult time for awhile now and I'm sorry to hear that things are not getting any better. When you said you don't want to live anymore, I completely understand the impact of those words. I felt that way myself for a long time and as you said, I think it comes from exhaustion, from trying for so long. And, you're doing so much to take care of yourself and the situation. Selling the house is a great idea, looking at other job options and changing medications - all those things should help.

How did things go today with your meeting?

[historyteach]

Thanks for asking...
Bozo, I agree; we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Bike;
Thanks. For your share; for the link.

Anna;
Thanks to you too. I'm trying to take care of things, one day at a time, like Bike suggested. Not much else I can do.

The meeting went great! The union president; the delegate and the building rep were all there.
Earlier, during lunch, I was talking just with the delegate; filling her in. She knew we would be filling a grievance, but, didn't know what to do about the phone calls to my old principal. Then, I had to get back to class. I got called out of class when the president wanted to talk to me.

He went over my paperwork; the evidence that administration has not been doing their job. They are behind me 100%. There will be two grievances filed. One for administrative lack of support; one for failure to respond to discipline write ups in a timely manner. He also said if I'm called out of class for any reason again, and they leave my class without coverage - again - to file a third grievance about that. (Happens all the time.) He also thought a letter from a lawyer would be a good idea; that the so called "dean" has NO standing whatsoever to make any phone calls and the principal - well - he wasn't sure. But, a lawyer's letter ought to scare the pants off them.

Now, there was another big meeting with dean and principal. Seems now they are blaming the guidance counselor for the mess they created with these children. (Oh, the kiddies are not coming to class again; and another girl has joined them! Why? I have no idea -- again!) Once more, the "dean" and the principal are allowing them to cut. But, they are saying the guidance counselor should remove them from my class; that's why she is now the blame! This is beyond bizarre!

Friday, I'm going to the union hall. The delegate is going to help me fill out the grievance forms. When I suggested that I was at fault for letting this go on so long, the union president rejected that idea completely. He said what's been happening has been completely unprofessional; and that I was not being allowed to do my job without support.

Oh, and the principal told the building rep to tell me I should use the counseling services available to us through the school. HA! Seems he thinks I'm "unstable" and that's why it's now the guidance counselor's fault these kids aren't in class and are failing! I smiled and told them all I have seen the card available with the number to call. I also assured them that my stress is indeed up; and it's because I'm walking into a mind field every day; never knowing what's going to happen next.

Just boggles the mind, it does!

Shalom!

[bikewench]

Teach....

The way it sounds to me is that your kiddies are running the show.... and the principle is so goofy that she is letting them...!!!

How the hell does someone like that become the principle of a school..????

Methinks she needs to read behavior development of children for her own benefit...lol...
So SHE can grow the heck up...

ai yi yi...

I am very glad you have your union behind you...
This is one time I can see how they can do some good.. ;o)


Your workin your butt off Teach to turn your life around... and it's a mighty effort.. I can see..

Just put your head down and keep sluggin...

Things will turn out for their greatest good for you...
ah believe.. ;o)

Blessings Teach..

[historyteach]

Thank you (((Bike)))

The principal is actually a male; the so called dean is a female. And they both need to read Codependent No More!
You're right; the kiddies ARE running the show here. And they are being allowed to!

New development just in:
The guidance counselor emailed me today. The principal and dean are pressuring her to remove the kids from my class. If she does so by her own volition, I cannot grieve it, because she's a fellow teacher.
I called the union hall and spoke to the delegate. She said to have the counselor talk with principal, ask him exactly why they are out of my class; offer her opinion that it's rediculous to take them out of my class; and ask him flat out what he wants her to do.
If he says move them, I have a grievance.
If he doesn't say to move them, I still have the two grievances listed above.

Now, can anyone see why Johnnie can't read now?

I have absolutely NO respect for this *sshole at all.

On top of it all, I'm at home waiting to hear from my doctor. Sinus infection that won't quit and lack of sleep even with taking a sleeping pill - lunesta. I also asked him about maybe changing from wellbutrin to trazadone, in order to stop taking the lunesta I don't like anyway, and have a more calming effect than the wellbutrin. The only fear I have there is that wellbutrin is zyban - used as a smoke cessation tool. I quit smoking a bit over 3 months ago, and I do NOT want to return to it. Hopefully, my new, anti smoking behaviors are intact well enough to survive this change.

This is truely the most ludicrous position I've ever had the misfortune to be involved in. Any wonder why I hate this school.

But I am Three months, one week, one day, 5 hours, 31 minutes and 25 seconds smoke free right now. That's 4009 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,102.53. Life saved: 1 week, 6 days, 22 hours, 5 minutes.

Shalom!

[historyteach]

Well, I got a new sleeping pill = trazadone, which is also an antidepressant.
Doc wants me to continue to take 1/2 dose of the wellbutrin in the daytime, and the trazadone at night and let him know how it's going.
Also got a new antibiotic for this killer sinus infection. They are freakin horse pills! Two a day for ten days. I hope they work...

And I really hope I can sleep through the night tonight.

Shalom!

[historyteach]

Ahhhh...a good night's sleep!
I'd forgotten what it was like! LOL! And I do feel good this morning.
Let's hope today at school is better. Since the principal is trying to blame everyone else but himself for this situation, I wonder what will happen next..
Oh, I'm not sure if I said this before, but, he told the building delegat that I should make use of the counseling available through the school! I just smiled and said I was aware of the availability. I also said I AM stressed, because I'm walking into a minefield everyday, not knowing what's going to happen next; and knowing I won't be backed up for anything. Does he actually think I need HIS advice on how to take care of myself.
Perhaps he should make use of the counseling; he could learn how to say "no."

Shalom!

[osier59]

Have a terrific day at school today, Teach. Whether they realize it or not, those kids are blessed to have you in their life.

Hugs
Barb

[historyteach]

Hi, Barb;
And thanks for the good thoughts...

Despite having a GREAT start on the day, it went downhill as soon as I got into school. The principal called me into a parent meeting. It was before classes, and I had to go or be insubordinate. But, there was no union rep there, which I requested as my right. I did so earlier in the week, with the union rep there as witness. During the meeting, the principal took notes. Following the meeting, which ended favorably, (for me), I went to my union rep's room and told him. He suggested another grievance, which I will file. The principal FOLLOWED me to the union rep's room!!! Harrassment? Intimidation?

Shortly after, during class, the other union rep came to my door. Principal wanted ANOTHER meeting! She suggested I call him and request that the meeting be postponed until I had no students. They are here for education, after all, and if the teacher isn't in the room, they're not getting educated! Principal agreed and the meeting was postponed.

I called the first union rep to let him know again. He was in class; the second was supposed to cover my class. That meant, no union rep during the meeting - again! Principal is completely violating my rights while pursueing some *whatever* against me. I've never been told what the issue is -- again! :nono:

The teachers in the school are completely outraged! I went home and called the union office. I'm meeting with the delegate today at 1:30 to file 3 grievances now.

You know, in over 20 years teaching, I've not once filed a grievance until I came to this school. Hmmm.... something wrong here.

I called my counselor to talk, but, she's not in.
So, I came here to put it outside of me; to exorcize it. I'm feeling pretty down right now. I've never worked in a hostile environment before. It's not pretty! Thank G*D I have such good support! But, I just can't believe what's happening!
Thanks for listening...

Shalom!

[historyteach]

My career counselor called me back. He listened to what's been happening. For now, I have to suck it up, cuz, I don't have enough sick time left to stay out for the rest of the year.

I'm meeting with him this coming week. I'm looking for alternative work. I'm done!

Career counselor says principal's inept handling of the girls in the beginning of the year has created a monster for him. These kids who are out of class are failing because of him and the dean allowing them to stay out of class. He doesn't want to be accountable. And I'm expendable. So, he's fishing for anything he can get on me.

I'm just sick over this entire thing. I've never experienced anything like it.

Shalom!

[bikewench]

dang Teach...

what a cluster you know what..!!!

You just hang onto your skirts there... and don't let that whacked out power tripper get your goat...

or anything you posess.. ;o)

man.. I'm shaking my head...

Prayers for strength and patience going out Teach...

[historyteach]

Thank you sooooo much, Bike....

I'm in tears again...
You know, teaching is something I do well. It's something I have pride in doing well. This administrative behavior which underminds everything I'm trying to do -- everything I do so well -- is cutting to the core.

I went to the union office. The delegate was VERY helpful and told me exactly how to write up the grievances; what to show for evidence; and what resolution to ask for.

Can you even imagine this senerio? I have to ask for the principal to send kids to class so they can pass -- in order to GRADUATE!!!
He's put some really high stakes on this. Unfortunately, they are not *his* stakes. The stakes belong to the students!!! Some may not graduate; others may be rejected by college for failure, even if they can graduate!

I have the right to ask others to sign on, in agreement to what's been happening. I don't think I'll have a problem with that. There's plenty of disgust for this inept administrator going around. And lots of good will towards me as a result of this crap!

Thanks for the prayers, Bike....right now, I truely do need them...

Shalom!

[bikewench]

Ahhh (((Teach)))....

I'm sorry that it's so bad..
..but crying will release some of that sadness and frustration...
so.. you let it run...

I can't imagine that the parents are allowing all this to happen...
But then.. some parents shouldn't be parents...

In the end... those kids are going to pay... and big time...
but.. that is their karma already... and they have adults that are entrusted with their care to thank...


It's a crazy ole world sometimes...
and I'm truly sorry that you are caught up in this on top of everything else that is going on in your life...

Quite frankly Deb... the only reason I can see for God to visit this on you is that your gonna feel so gosh darn good when you get everything sorted out to your benefit...
.. and hopefully you are finally driven to totally let go of every single thing you have no control over for the rest of your life...!!!!!

That would be nice .. eh..?? ;o)

I see it coming..


You stay determined...
Cause your in the right here all the way...
And God will reward you on the other side.. I'm sure...

Just keep letting it out here where you are loved..

Continued prayers Teach.

[Purrdy]

sounds like turmoil alright! my thougts and prayers are with you teach!

love purrdyxx