My journal

[liveweyerd]

I feel like I have been stalled out for quite awhile now. From past experience I know that if I create an accountability factor, I do better.

I am hoping to get some motivation and energy going on.

It is way too easy for me to crawl into bed and sleep, just meeting minimum demands.

Wow, I have been starting over at the same place for over 25 years now. It's always the same, my first goal has always been "eat breakfast" for 25 YEARS!!!!

I did do that today, because I told someone on a message board I would try.

I am the first to recommend to anyone who is depressed to walk and excercise. There is a fitness room just down the hall from me, anybody see me in there? Nah.

Well, I ate a heavy breakfast and went back to bed. 5pm I ate an apple. I am lazy, I want to go out to a restaurant but am waiting for my paycheck to clear the bank and become available so I am either going to eat popcorn or hot pockets now because they can be put on my hotel bill.

And now, because I have spoken it here, I am more likely to get off my duff and hit the fitness room soon. I really need to, my back is so way out of line I have been missing work due to the resulting headaches. I must excercise to build up the muscles to hold my back properly. I have a chiro appmt Friday, I will ask for some specific excercises. Nearly everyday I spend time laying flat on my back on the floor with cold packs.

I can name some positive changes. I am not dealing with anxiety at the levels I have had for quite awhile. I have learned to tolerate tv.

okay, that apple just made me hungry. So, I go scavenging.....

live

[historyteach]

(((Live)))
Holding ourselves accountable is a positive accomplishment.
Eat, exercise, are physical necessities.
When I'm at my lowest, I find I need to work on physical; mental; emotional and spiritual exercises. It's hard; and some times, I can only work on one thing, but, I try to work my way up to this well rounded being I have the promise of becoming.

My thoughts and prayers are with you for your complete refuah shleyma - the renewal of your body and spirit...

Shalom, my friend...

[liveweyerd]

thank you. I have always had the tendency to be neglectful of the physical necessities. An ongoing struggle.

[bikewench]

You'll feel sooo good if you do something that adds to you.. rather than takes...

take take take... ;o)

put on some rockin tunes and go sweat... hard...
work some of those yah yah's out...

[shutterbug]

yeppers....ditto

Hugs

You know....one thing I'm making myself learn is that breakfast doesn't have to be a full or even half a "meal"....I have found I do really well with a handful of nuts, crackers or a peice of toast.

Quick and easy or I won't do it...

I wish things like this weren't so hard for you and I. I spent most of today sleeping ( just got up about an hour ago and am still very sleepy, but my stomach is fixing to send me out to do a little food scavenging for myself....

Several small meals a day....that's what I'm trying to get into the habit of doing and so far I feel really good about my progress.

And too....Tena....don't beat yourself up.....depression is something you and I have relatively little control of ( outside of the meds, eating and excersizing.....but telling a depressed person to excersize is like telling man to give birth sometimes - It might be plasable, but it's probably never really gunna happen

But if you DO make it too that excersize room....as you stand on that treadmill or whatever....just imagine all of SR applauding you for conquoring the near-impossible. You can do it.....I know you can do it if it's something you really want!

Sorry....that doesn't sound too encouraging does it?
I think my brain cells are melting???

Thinking warm thoughts of you and screaming at the universe for you having to lay on the floor every day with cold packs. URG!

[liveweyerd]

Actually, I was encouraged, I was headed to the fitness room, I was going to go easy and just walk on the treadmill. I do not want to mess up my back. Then we couldn't find the keycard for it.

But I really have slipped/relapsed.

I was just remembering days in Argentina when I woke up loving life. I haven't felt that way in a long while and things have been sliding downhill.

I guess I am easily discouraged.
It is harder with my hubby being depressive as well.
It is easy for us to just do nothing much together.
But, the good part is we understand, thro' experience what it is we go through.

I am still looking for health packed foods. Lots of nutrition. Snacking on yogurts, I do alot. I think that is a healthy food, but when I look at the label it doesn't seem all that.

thank you for being here!

[shutterbug]

Well....seems like sickness of any kind can drag me down with it....so is it possible that the back problems and such are aggrivating things?

I can understand how your hubby being depressed can feel like it makes things worse....but like you said...it's also great to have people around who understand. And going through my major depression and feeling so completely alone in my 3D life....was sheer torture.

I think any kind of chicken soup is pretty healthy...I like the kinds that Progresso makes and I don't even bother with real dishes....just pour the can's contents directly into a paper/microwavable bowl and nuke....then eat with a plastic spoon and toss....no mess...no clean up and good stuff for the bod

love ya

[liveweyerd]

disposable dishes, the only way to go!

I feel better this morning having gotten this support and encouragement, also think that having the flu really drug me down and yes, I didn't need to be missing my meds. I KNOW better! And missing so much work with the back, I felt less than competent. I'll bet I have missed more work in 3 months than my co-worker has in 30 years, y'know?

But today is a new day, running a little late, so am going to eat a yogurt (plastic container, plastic spoon) and try to be extra productive today.

Will get with you on your thread too, Jenna, just in the morning go to work rush right now.

love,
Tena

[liveweyerd]

Well, I didn't do breakfast. Was running late, thought about grabbing a yogurt to go, but got in a rush, didn't do that, forgot my phone, my wedding rings, etc.

But I got my full paid day in.

I want to give myself credit for being an important friend to the father of the man on trial since Jan 9. That is something good, real and making just a little difference for the better. Whether his son is guilty or not, the whole thing is a horror to this man and his wife. We have brightened this difficult time for him by meeting with him everyday around lunch and he says it is the highlight of his day. It will go to jury sometime tomorrow. There has been evidence introduced that opens the way for an appeal if he is found guilty. This has been going on for almost 6 years now! First he was convicted, then it was overturned. I sure can't understand some of the rules for what constitutes admissable evidence. Some vague things were allowed and some other extraordinarily important and relevant information has been suppressed. Such as another man has pled guilty...but also to conspiracy. The jury is not allowed to know this. Or to hear the man's taped confession. And he cannot be compelled to testify due to some "deal" he made. The conspiracy charge against the man still on trial has been dropped.
My gut tells me he is going to be convicted and my heart weeps for his family.
I, myself, am sure the first trial and investigation was badly done. I have reasonable doubt about the man. I have reasonable doubt about his guilt and reasonable doubt about his innocence. That I keep to myself, I am not in the courtroom hearing the evidence so I really have no basis for an opinion. IF the man is guilty, that doesn't make the rest of his family monsters guilty by association, but that is how they are treated. What a terrible tragedy!

[shutterbug]

yeah...that sounds awful...

There's a woman here (a friend of my uncles) doing life in prison b/c her brother killed her husband. Her husband was VERY abusive to her and her daughter for years and he threatened to kill members of her family if she ever tried to leave him. Her husband even sexually mutilated the young daughter in the house with a pair of scissors and other things....so her brother did the only thing he knew to keep this man from ever hurting them again.

Well, the jury said she was a co-conspiritor b/c she didn't stop her brother or something like that...and her lawyer actually slept through much of her trial and never objected once and a couple years after was barred from ever practicing law again....yet she sits in jail rotting while her daughter grows up and she hasn't seen her daughter since she was convicted.

It's such a story that I would love to write a book about it all and try to get her freed (since some law about victim's rights have gone into place now that would allow her to tell a jury what monsterious and unimaginable things he did to her and her daughter - before she couldn't tell any of that b/c he wasn't living anymore to be able to tell his side or try to fight the validity of whatever she was to have said on the stand)

Awful isn't it....my uncle is obnoxious that even if she agreed to let me tell her story....he would force me to write it his way even though he knows nothing about writing....he already made that perfectly clear to me when I brought up the idea last year.

Anyway...in my last job as a police reporter...it was amazing to me some of the stuff that goes on and stuff that doesn't. Some people who don't deserve it get reamed by the court system and others who OBVIOUSLY deserve to get nailed....go free.

---
Hey...what about preparing your breakfast the night before? Like taping a plastic spoon to a yogurt cup (and leaving your purse and/or keys on a counter near the fridge so that even in a rush it would literally only take seconds to grab it and go?

Or hey...what about those go-gurts? Or what about loading your purse or car with several packeges of snack crackers or even pop-tarts or something?

Just suggestions?

I guess I'm talking about that so much b/c I missed breakfast yesterday and today b/c of being at my friend's house and I felt horrible because of it.

[shutterbug]

Oh...and CONGRATS on such a productive day! And that's awsome that you have been able to help in such a way...I can only imagine what that must mean to him.

Hugs,

[liveweyerd]

good idea about packing my briefcase with some nutritional bars or something. I have those meal in a can things in the frig too, I could drink one of those while driving to work.
I did eat lunch and supper.
I remembered to take my meds.
And, because I need real rest, I am going to tuck it in with a book I started last night. That was kind of an oops. I started reading it in the evening and was still absorbed in it at 2am, but I had a long nap, so was still rested enough today. But mustn't overdo that...so tonight I will go early and finish it in time to get a full night's sleep.
As I wandered about...in earlier posts...I need to stay on with the basics for accountability.
I would like to get cans of tuna. They are good with the omega oils and I like eating straight from the can. I really crave mostly proteins.

[shutterbug]

yes...me too...sticking with the basics is a good thing - a launching pad if you will.

Wow...a book finished in just 2 nights....girl you really are a fast reader! That's awsome. I'm so slow at reading that it takes a whole bunch of nights to finish even a relatively short book! I think it's because of the dislexia that was never caught when I was a kid....well and the ADD might have a bit to do with it too.

I had to take a humanities class one semester and the only one I could find to fit my schedule as a literature class. That crazy prof expected us to read a book a week (and we're talking heavy language and very thick books) AND on top of all the homework from all our other classes that were just as demanding in their areas too.

I really tried. I bought every book needed for the entire semester...cost me a bundle. I never got through the first book before I had to move on to the next one and when I didn't get it read and understood in time then...well...I was done for and dropped the class. I still have most all of those books (many still in the plastic wrap the came in) because the student book stores wouldn't buy them back for anything more than 50 or 75 cents....so I figured I'd hang onto them for some reason or another.

Now that I think about it....this reading aspect is probably why reporting stresses me out so much....research takes me twice as long as most people.

Anyway....I have upped my reading speed slightly by using the caption on my t.v. when I'm watching stuff (and I'm a t.v. addict). I started using the caption on just the spanish channels to keep up with my spanish vocab, but then I left it on because sometimes I would miss words (I think I'm a little hard of hearing) and instead of wondering and never knowing what was said...well the words come across the screen. And then I realized it was helping me read faster, but not fast enough for my liking.

But who knows....maybe 10 more years of peeps asking me why in the world I leave the caption on on my t.v.....maybe by then I can finish a book in 2-3 days...??? who knows...lol

That's a good idea about the tuna and meal shakes....now ya just gotta stick to it...and yes....pack that breifcase full of nutrition and make yourself eat a little something in the mornings.

[liveweyerd]

okey-dokey. Well, I am a book addict. Hubby uses closed captioning too! Says it helps him with reading

I am jealous that you are bi-lingual. I mean really, really jealous!!!!

All right, running late...when am I not???.....but I will pack something to eat/drink.
Better do it now and get on the go.

BUT I have taken 3 business calls all ready this morning. SO, it is not like I am sleeping in. And I will need to stop and pick up highlighters for a mapping project that just came up due by Thurs. There is NO penalty for being late, it is just that my job requirement was to be at the courthouse when it opened until it closes. And it opens at 8. I never make it. My fear is that one of the field agents or even the big guy will pop in and report/complain that I am not there and available. Other than that, I don't have any particular production requirements as some files are quick and easy and others are complicated and time consuming.

More later...after work

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by Live

Hubby uses closed captioning too! Says it helps him with reading

OMGosh....WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT!

How funny...I thought I was the only crazy one in t.v. land...lol

Well, I guess you could say I am bi-linguel...in a loose sense, but I'm not fluent (I sure hope to be someday...that's a life goal anyway).

I took 3 years of Spanish in highschool, which amounted to very little and then I took a crash course one summer where I spent about 7 hours a day, for about 2 months, learning Spanish as part of my degree requirement. (Well, I could have taken 2 semesters of it instead where it was only a 1-hour class, five days a week, but in my junior and senior years in college I made sure that each semester that all my classes either fell on a Tuesday/Thursday schedule or a Monday/Wed/Friday schedule. You know so that I would only actually have just 2 or 3 days each week of classes...and the 5-day a week language classes for a full school year just wasn't something I wanted to do....so I gave up most of a summer instead.

Anyway, I think that helped me actually learn the language better. Problem is...it's one of those things where you gotta, "Use it or lose it." And I've lost most of it....makes me sad. Although, I can watch the Spanish channels and get a sense of what is going on sometimes, but that's horrible compared to before when I understood at least 1/2 of what was being said.

blah, blah, blah....I talk about details TOO much. BORING...and....please forgive me if you can.

---------------

Sounds like you are getting your momentum back up as far as work and things are concerned. I mean, two days in a row now! and you did eat breakfast today...right?

hugs,

[liveweyerd]

Deadline, give me a deadline! hahahahaha I love it and freak out at the same time!
I did wolf a yogurt this morning.
And stamped my feet impatiently in a tap dance of anxiety/frustration in front of my friend/co-worker and whoever else was watching. At least I can laugh at myself! Pulling deadlines out of the hat is my specialty and my nemesis, both.
love,
Tena

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by Tena

At least I can laugh at myself! Pulling deadlines out of the hat is my specialty and my nemesis, both.

HA HA....me too!
I do my best work when I'm pressed against a deadline too....but then stress out majorly about it..LOL. I guess it's the stress that is what helps me work so well. And when I try to do things ahead of deadlines...I spend SO much time thinking about it and re-working it an OVER-thinking it that I actually mess myself up. I've always thought it weird and funny that it works that way with me. In college....same thing would happen when writing papers - I'd spend 2 days writing a paper and get a D, but then the time when I scribbled up one of the same kind of papers 30 minutes before class one day I made an A!

Glad to hear about the breakfast...and I can just picture you stomping and dancing around...LOL. ( I cheat with my yogart and turn it into one of my favorite desserts by drizzling chocolate syrup over it...

I know you're super busy...so no pressure about the stuff we've been talking about...k...

Hugs

[liveweyerd]

okay, another busy day, and my friend in FL (Danny's friend) should have mailed my anxiety meds 3 wks ago, am out and feeling it.
Meeting Tuesday about status of project, pray I don't get laid off, I haven't been my best self!
Gotta run....
live

[Purrdy]

Blimey livewyred do you EVER stop for a breather?

I am exhausted just READING this thread!!!


it may seem like a silly suggestion but could you actually sort of try and well....slow down a bit? and take a bit of time to reflect? take some time out for you?

Wow you really are live wired!!!

[liveweyerd]

oohhhh! I laughed! PURDY! I didn't know whether anyone read my name as live wired....which is what I meant.....au naturel. oooo I can get myself in such a tizz that I am absolutely ditzy!
So, my mind races ahead in its own directions? what is your point? hahahahahahaha
Well, they give me pills for that, but I haven't been taking them.
And.....I am racing off now for a RARE event. A night on the town.
Catch y'all,
live

[shutterbug]

yes....weyerd said 'wired' to me from the get go...lol...
(I read and spell most everything phonetically anyway...)

Hope you had a great night out on the town! Let us know how everything went with that and the project meeting the other day too?

Gotta run myself....busy busy busy....so much to do to get my cousin still settled in and get ready for my first day of work tomorrow *nerveous*

hugs,

[liveweyerd]

Been having a bit of a rough spot...but the meeting went well, I got a new DR and chiropractic and am on an aggressive schedule with that. So am not around much.
Took some time off work, so that I won't be working at desks, computers, high counters and lifting things. Am keeping those bones straight while my muscles scream at me and learn to relax into the right positions. So...I won't be around as much while I am re-training the muscles in my back to support the spine. Avoiding normal activities that would make them fall back into their usual wrong accustomed places.
Make sense? At first they spasmed, cramped and screamed at me. I am now working on just getting them to relax being in the correct positions. And am loathe to give them the opportunity to snap back and pull the bones out along with them.
later,
love,
Tena

[liveweyerd]

Wow, some rest time. Hubby is in Florida. He really needed to go and do. And I am left alone with myself which is a good thing. My back is going to be okay. It is a matter of getting in shape and not abusing it. It all came from carrying too much baggage slung over my shoulder...until it pulled everything pretty much apart.

I have been slacking at work. Then I hate the way I feel about that. I finally got into the groove this afternoon.

[liveweyerd]

Had to take a phone call....but anyway, this isn't a good way for me to sit. I am going to take my meds, get cozy with a book and fall asleep on it.
Want to put in a day tomorrow to be proud of.
hugs,
live

[liveweyerd]

I had a good day today. Didn't loaf around at work. Went to the chiro and they gave me some gentle excercises to do to re-train my muscles and help keep my back straight. They are all about stretching. I feel a little sore and weak all the time, but at the same time my bones feel so much better, they feel like they are a fluid line and it has improved my slump and bad posture without huge effort. With the bones straight, they are made to hold upright correctly.
It seems like it was yesterday I was limber as a monkey and could lift or do anything.!
Hard to comprehend that regular ole sedentary lifestyle and lugging briefcase etc could make me so acutely aware of being decrepit!
Apropo to my mental and emotional state of being too.
AND, I did not realize how much stress I was carrying around.
But with all this stuff with my back, I can actually feel the direct connection between a mental/emotional stress and its physical effect. Gives me knots and yanks my spine.
Shoot, I decided that I worry more about some other people than they do for themselves. So I am going to try to quit pretty much cold turkey. Slow learner on KISS, keep it simple stupid.
I love my hubby, but I have found out for sure that I am so much more relaxed since the tv has not been turned on since he left for FL. Wow, I love the peace and quiet!
I don't know,, I was in a very good place mentally/emotionally for a certain period of time about a year ago when I was studying right thinking and meditating. So, with hubby gone and my back needing me to lay quietly on the floor nice and straight, I see it as an opportunity.
I am going to do some serious relaxing. And one thing at a time, make things better for myself.
Time at SR is in short spurts, no way to sit really comfortably or healthily at the keyboard......
later,
live