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02-25-2006, 05:37 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| On The Bus  Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| I Am A Bundle Of Nerves
I feel like I am close to having a nervous breakdown. Yesteday I found out a good friend is being threatened with divorce by his wife. 18 years ago this very day, I walked out of work on a cold, windy and dreary Feb. day to find a note on the windshield of my car from my exwife asking for a divorce. This too is the last day I took a drink. I dont know why, but what my friend is going through brought up all the old pain and feelings of what I went through. And then my alkie brain really took off. I internalized all the pain he must be going through, I remembered all the old pain I went through, and then I projected what would happen if I had to go through a divorce and all the pain and being all alone again. I had myself whipped up into a frenzy. I was paralyzed with fear, and anxiety. I could barely muddle through the work day. On top of that everything else in the world just plain got to me. The fighting and killing, all the time, everywhere in the world. I made myself physically sick by internalizing all this chaos and turmoil in the world. I went to a meeting last night and to my credit did not put on a happy face. I said I am whacked out tonight but I feel slightly better for being at a meeting. No one really approached me after the meeting to offer support which kind of surprised(angered) me? One guy said I need to go to Al Anon because I need to learn how to detach. Today I feel like I have an emotional hangover from all the nervous anxiety I had yesterday. I feel physically ill and I feel like hiding. God help me, am I cracking up? What the ef is wrong with me????????????
__________________  Signature made by my son Alex. |
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02-25-2006, 08:12 AM
| #2 (permalink) | ||
| Member  Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: western canada
Posts: 1,440
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Bozo... Your simply starting to look at your shyte is all.... All the things that have been pushed away... all the fears... the anxiety.... the "can't bear to go there" thinking... Untill a person is ready and willing to look inside... and let the inside out.... then all that crap will just sit in there and generate it's ick... Quote:
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Control comes in many forms Bozo... Even those that think they have zero power try to control... and it can really mess with our lives... Recovery will unfold if we just get out of our own way. | ||
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02-25-2006, 08:52 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,903
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thinking of you BOZO and I can relate to those feelings too.....Did you get my PM? anyway keep posting and we can all work through this together....sorry but bit busy right now will post later.... just wanted you to know that i am thinking of you prayers nd hugs sweetheart Purrdyxxxxxxxxxx |
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02-25-2006, 06:44 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: here and now
Posts: 96
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The reaction you had probably does have a lot to do with how closely it occurred to your own situation, which makes sense. Had it happened at another time, you might not have reacted as strongly. However, don't make yourself sick over someone else's situation. Keep your issues separate. Find something happy...rent some funny movies...shrug off the worries. Do whatever it takes to get out of this mentality you're in. And keep in mind, there's really nothing you can do about what's going on with your friend, except be there for him. And heck, who knows? The two of them may patch things up. You never know what the future holds. Well, anyway, I don't have a lot of words of wisdom to give you, but I just wanted to wish you some peace and hopes that tomorrow will be a better day. Hang in there. You'll be okay. It'll pass. 
__________________ ...Sweet Thursday is what they call the day after Lousy Wednesday, which is one of those days that is just naturally bad. |
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02-25-2006, 07:04 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
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Hi, I think it is pretty understandable that such a poignant reminder would be unnerving. I like to tell myself that each time lessens the power it will have next time. After awhile those things in the past becomes more facts than feelings. Unless it is related to your current situation and unresolved issues. just my off the cuff thoughts, good wishes, live
__________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters  |
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02-28-2006, 08:11 PM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Honest, Open, Willing  Join Date: May 2004 Location: mucking out the barn
Posts: 354
| Quote:
IT IS YOUR JOB TO ASK FOR HELP.  The Al-anon suggestion sounds vaguely familiar - - -  | |
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02-28-2006, 09:32 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Deeeep South
Posts: 744
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Hey Bozo, you feeling better? I just read this. Wondering how you are? Just wanted to give a hello and let you know you are not going crazy... This too shall pass, boz. I am going through something similar. I feel for you because I am so much like you. We are loveable and worthy...you better believe it!!
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03-01-2006, 02:31 AM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,903
| Quote:
Ditto bozo, I know how you feel, I have been in a similar postion too it is work related but my feelings of rejection and that i am never going to be good enough for anything so whats the point! attitude takes over I love what wolfstar said about us being loveable and worthy....if you stop and think about it we really are loveable and worthy......!!!!!! pick yourself up and dust yourself down! and NEVER be frightened to ask for help......ask someone you feel is right to chat to go for a coffee and just chat...you will feel so much better with that human contact and someone elses perspective on things.....and usually you come into contact with exactly the RIGHT person....uncanny that is!!! but that is god working for you!!!! love and hugs and hope you are feeling better today...emotional hangovesr can leave you feeling totally exhausted, so be kind to yourself and rest, eat well and ask for help love as always purrdyxxx | |
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03-01-2006, 04:18 AM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| Thanks Wolf Quote:
So I layed down on the floor on my back with arm and legs spread wide and just allowed myself to feel the feelings. I stopped fighting the feelings and eventually the panic and anxiety passed. As I lay on my back I could feel a knot tighten in my stomach that almost physically lifted me off the floor. I was racked with spasms and beads of sweat almost surfaced on my forehead. I just kept telling myself that these feelings would not kill me, to accept them and embrace them and not fight them, somehow learn to live with them and they passed. Monday night at 3 AM I woke up and started worrying about work, and that sent me into my third anxiety attack again. I still take Zoloft and I had been trying to wean myself off over the last 3 months. Apparently whatever I was doing was not working. So at this point I am back to taking the Zoloft on a regular basis again to see if the OCD is reduced and the panic attacks subside. Thank you for the kind words and caring. Sometimes I know I have to be the strong person, but other time I need to be the person that needs to be nurtured.
__________________ Signature made by my son Alex. | |
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03-01-2006, 04:24 AM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| Mind Reading? Quote:
When I hear someone at a meeting that they are in pain I do not need them to say come over and help me. They are automatically asking for help by saying they are in pain, are they not? So we can be clear, what do you think I should have said? That I am in emotional pain and I need people to talk to me after the meeting? Is that the clearer, more rational way to ask for help? I am serious.
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03-01-2006, 04:27 AM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| Thank You For Your Sensitive Understanding Quote:
__________________ Signature made by my son Alex. | |
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03-01-2006, 05:59 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Honest, Open, Willing Join Date: May 2004 Location: mucking out the barn
Posts: 354
| They are automatically asking for help by saying they are in pain, are they not? No. So we can be clear, what do you think I should have said? That I am in emotional pain and I need people to talk to me after the meeting? Yes. There have been a great many times in my sobriety - ESPECIALLY in this past month - where I NEED to go to meetings and admit out loud so *I* can hear it, that I am in pain and I am struggling. It's part of me being HONEST - with myself and with others. There have been a great many times that I've done that where I have most emphatically NOT wanted people to come up to me and offer input. Sometimes baring my soul during a meeting IS what I need at that point and I can't deal with more than that - AT THAT POINT. Sometimes what *I* need is to be willing to HEAR myself being open and honest. When I DON'T want to discuss it after the meeting, I SAY THAT. When I DO want to talk to people after the meeting, I SAY THAT TOO. - or - *I* approach people afterwards and ask them to talk. If I expect others to *KNOW* what I want, I am expecting them to read my mind and fulfill my needs accordingly. It's called passive-aggressive. All the pats on the back, praise, love, etc - NEVER helped ease my depressions and/or anxieties UNTIL I GOT HONEST about what was REALLY going on in my head. You know I love ya Boz - right?!? |
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03-01-2006, 06:44 PM
| #14 (permalink) | |
| On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| Thank You Quote:
__________________ Signature made by my son Alex. | |
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03-02-2006, 07:23 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,903
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Hey Bozo just checking in to see if you are ok? Hows things today? you know sometimes I find life so difficult to DO! I just feel tired right now, exhausted like Ive ran a marathon or something but its anxieety and worry and I have little to worry me really!!! Crazy how we can go around in circles sometimes!!! anyway keep us posted wont you thinking of you!!! Purrdy |
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03-02-2006, 03:43 PM
| #16 (permalink) | |
| On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| Yes It Seems To Be Passing Quote:
Thanks so much for asking about my health!!! Did you pat fluffy wuffety for me like I asked? Heh, heh.
__________________ Signature made by my son Alex. | |
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03-02-2006, 03:48 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Deeeep South
Posts: 744
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((((Boz))))) ((((Purrdy))))) Thinking of youse guys and wanting to remind all of us that we are: Loveable and worthy. There is nothing in this world that can convince me (or you) otherwise! Hugs to both and Bozo, know that I think of you everyday and send healing, healthy thoughts to you... Peace, WS
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03-03-2006, 02:40 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,903
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Hi Bozo, I really ama soppy mare! That is a picture of Mollie but you know how it is when you go all soppy over them and you go... 'oh you lovely fluffety wuffety mummy's girly whirly lovely beutiful flufffssy wuffsygirl' to you cat? you never done that? LOL.... ok let try that on ourselves!!!!......HA! that is gonna take practice huh?!!! LOL So we must learn to be kind to ourselves, you know I really care about so many people on here and I have nothing but love and admiration for them.....we need to think and feel the same about ourselves and that is SO difficult.... funny how others see the good in us and through being loved unconditionally we can learn to love ourselves too!!! Good to hear that you are stepping up meetings Bozo...now go and ask someone...for a coffee just to talk....it will be really good to have someone listen and relate to what you are going through right now..... Love and prayers to you all on here (and you Wolfstar you are a diamond) speak soon keep posting and I will go and fluffety wuffety my cats now!! fluff and hugs and soft warm purry kittens to you purrdy |
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03-06-2006, 01:20 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 502
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talk about it. Talk to your friend gong thru this terrible time. Since you have been through the same scenario, you can relate and be of great assistance to him. In time, you will work through it. It will be okay.
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03-06-2006, 05:29 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| Feeling OK
Thank you for asking Purrdy. I have had mild anxiety all last week but no full blown panic attacks. I am back on my regular dose of Zoloft, and am attempting to attend a minimum of 3 AA meetings a week including a mens meeting on Wednesday nights. Thank you everyone for the continued support. Mike
__________________ Signature made by my son Alex. |
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03-06-2006, 08:05 PM
| #22 (permalink) |
| He who laughs, lasts.  Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: south carolina
Posts: 69
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I find it hard to imagine a group that doesn't reach out to its members. On the other hand, sometimes all members are having a bad day, and everyone i s hoping someone will reach out to them. Go to another meeting and it will probably be different. Keep in mind how very much you really don't want to take a drink of anything because the trouble it will bring isn't worth the anguish you suffer for it. Everything will be okay.
__________________ The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. Ben Stein |
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03-08-2006, 10:05 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,903
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hey Bozo, i have my cat right here sat on my lap while i type so please excuse any spelling msitakes...she is purring away but can turn at a blink of na eye...reminds me of me when i was drinking!LOL Im glad taht you are feeling better OUCH seh jsut bit me! how are the meetings now? have you managed to find anyone to talk to? i feel a million times better now my meds are working but am still affected b y low self esteem and off days...still is a lot better than i was so being on your meds shold bring some relife thanks for postinmg back i love to know how you are getting on love purrdy and bad biting tigger!!!! |
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03-08-2006, 05:29 PM
| #24 (permalink) |
| On The Bus Join Date: May 2004 Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 473
| Purrdy
Bad fluffy wuffety! No biting my friend! We have 3 cats, and one of them, Oreo, likes to attack me. Even unprovoked. Sometimes I treat them like dogs and they do not like that, heh, heh. The other day she jumped up on my leg and wrapped her paws around me and did some good natured(thankfully)nipping. Then when she calmed down, all I had to do was just make eye contact with her and she went beserk. I am always playing hide and seek with her and trying to get her cranked up and then as usual I pay the price!! I never liked cats until I met my wife. Now I realize they can be really good pets. No, unfortunately I have not gotten closer to men in the program YET. It will happen and at least I have the awareness to deal with it. Also, I think it helps us alkies to not take ourselves to seriously. With our low self esteem the last thing we need to do is get carried away with ourselves. Purrdy, this should make you laugh. The other day a co worker accused me of having low self esteem. I said that simply is not true. I have no self esteem at all!!! It was good for a laugh. Thank you so much for checking in and checking up on my well being. You seem like a really nice person.
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